ItzaLoveThing: December 2009

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Hello 2010

I am welcoming 2010 with open arms, I can not complain all in all 2009 was not that bad to me. A recap of highlights would be: watching pook grow, having the best BF propose in the BESTEST way, learning more about myself, forgiving and letting go, The Fiance moving in officially. What would I like to see from 2010? I would like to see people truly be true to themselves, I would like to see that those that I have in my life can be honest with me whether they think I will like it or not, I would like to continue to learn about me, continue to blossom in my relationships as a fiance, mother, sister, friend, continue to watch and navigate Pook as she grows and learns new things, continue to walk away from negative people and negative ways. What will happen in 2010? Continue going to school, My 30th Birthday, our wedding day, Pook will start kindergarten. Some pretty big milestones will be happening in 2010 and I am just thankful/hopeful that I will be alive and healthy to witness it all. 2010 will definitely be about me and my family, they will become the priority as well school. Those that know me should understand, and if they don't then maybe they just really don't know me after all. And that is ok. Got a few new reads I would like to finish reading, as well as checking out a few new spots, and different dj's. Wishing every one a safe and Happy New Year.

Been a while!

Not much to say here...y? you ask, because I have been down with what I thought was a sprained ankle for a week then found out on christmas eve that it was truly a fractured ankle so then spent a few days in MAJOR pain. Finally got the pain manageable and now have the orthopedic appointment tomorrow, so please pray that that does not mean more pain. Normally my holiday blues are a lot different, this time I was in so much pain I forgot to take and decorate Joe's tree. thankfully the fiance handled that and got Pook out there to get it done and I must say it came out beautiful.

Monday, December 7, 2009

Come and Gone

Thanksgiving as come and gone, however this Thanksgiving will always be remembered by me. It was actually one of my first quiet, mellow, not much running around to do in a long time. There came a point where we ate chilled and wanted to get Pook out to have some cousin companionship. We get into the car and not too long into the ride she falls asleep. I look over at Jess and tell him "hey why don't we go to the corner" the corner is where Josiah's accident happened. I hadn't been there in a while and never really got time to go on the actual day of a holiday, and we were headed in that direction so it sounded like a great idea. We get there, park, pooks is still asleep, so I tell him to leave the car running, but then i turned around again and she is waking up, right away I could tell she was not going back to sleep. I then took a deep breathe and asked her if she would like to see something really special, she responds with yes. I then get her out of the car and walk her across the street to where the cross/memorial area is for Josiah. I ask her "do you know what this is?" her response is "this is where my daddy had his accident, she then goes on about how he was on his motorcycle coming from over there fell off his bike and hit the rock" I correct her by telling her that her daddy did not hit the rock but his bike did. She got to for the first time in 2 years sign the cross that we have there for him and look at all the stuff people have left. She decided she wanted to take one of the motorcycles here so I let her. We get in the car and start making our way to our destination and out of no where she says"I wish my daddy was never on a motorcycle, he should have been in a car"she then starts saying "I am sorry daddy"So I ask her why is she sorry and she says "because she didn't want her daddy o ever fall again"yes I nearly lost it but had to still hold it together so that she would know it is ok to talk about this. We made it to our destination and as she played with her cousins she was carefree again.

The next day I come home from shopping to hear her crying hysterically in her room. walk in and ask her what is wrong and all she keeps saying is "she misses and wants her daddy"all I could do was hold her, I held her tight and just let her cry until she let most of it out.

It sucked, it sucked to see my baby in so much pain, and pain that I will NEVER be able to take away. I wanted to cry for her, with her, but knew she needed me at that moment. Since then she has made one mention to my mom that she really misses her daddy. It is such a helpless feeling to know that you can do nothing to ease the pain she is going through. I also have to accept and realize that just because she was 2 when he died that does not mean that she will not mourn his death. Just wish I was a little more prepared for these moments. Everything happens for a reason, I am a firm believer in that. I know we were where we were supposed to be on Thanksgiving. The events that played out were supposed to happen, and I am grateful that she was able to see the place that I hold so dear to my heart.

I was encouraged and supported by many on those days

of sadness/happiness. For that I will always be grateful for as well.

All in the name of Love

These last few weeks have definitely been trying ones for me. A close friend of mine had her son's "Papi" (grandpa) pass away. I did not get a chance to formally meet him. I did see him once coming home from a Dr.s appointment and he went straight to the room, because the appointment had taken so much out of him. I can say that after the weeks that have passed and being at his service I got to know more about him, other than what I already knew, which was that he was a GREAT grandfather to my friends son. We knew the time would come, just not sure how much longer he had. Her and I have had many talks about the affect it may have on her son, but we never talked about the affect it may have on us. I knew I would be a key person in helping her, being that I have been there before, and I am a techy geek LOL. so it all started one night with me telling her I can get the binder out. for those that do not know me the binder is basically all the important information needed in my life if I was to pass away. One tab happens to have funeral information, people I used as well as my plot info. At first she says no, then says go get the binder. Well I think it only took 2 days before she actually had to use the info that I gave her. Being that he was going to be cremated she knew she wanted a slide show and for the most part knew what songs were to be used, but of course wanted them blended LOL. Needless to say we got it all done, late nights of program layouts, prayer card layouts, scanning, organizing pics, and adding the songs. I did not realize the affect it was having on me until we got to take a break from the planning and when it came time to resume the planning I immediately felt the emotional tension slowly strangling me. At one point we talked about it, and she listened but could not relate. She later came around to fully understanding what I had meant the night before. Regardless of what all in all I can say this trying time was needed. I needed to know I am still human, I needed to know it still hurts, I needed to know I miss my husband like crazy, I needed to be reminded of what I have lost so that I can continue growing and appreciating what I have. It was a hard, emotional road that is now over (as far as planning). No matter what I was going through I would never take back the time I got to put into this.

May he now Rest In Peace.

Can't please them all!

And I am ok with that!

I had a conversation over the weekend that made me realize that people do not know me as well as I think at times. Every relationship/friendship is different no matter what. We can not go into each friendship comparing it to other friendships. Through out time people have hurt people, people have made up or chosen to not make up. either way no relationship whether good or bad should have an affect on another relationship. I am going to do me, and me only! I can not worry if what I am saying is going to hurt any ones feelings, especially if what I am saying is something I believe in. We all don't have to agree and we all have our own thoughts. I suggest others do the same. We can please them all and we have to be ok with that, but if we know that we are not doing anything with bad intentions then it should not be a problem to talk about it. However all members of the party must understand that some take longer than others to process/digest what has gone on before they can approach a situation. I know that I have been true to my friends and myself. I will continue to do just that, and in the process if i hurt someones feelings maybe they should take a step back and ask themselves y? is it because you are assuming, is it because the truth hurts, is it because I maybe used the wrong words. Keep in mind I am putting a process out there that I use. I really work on making sure I am not assuming, not reading between the lines, believing whether you have hurt me in the past or not that this is not that situation. Starting each day new, making sure I think before I speak and react. You are in control of your thoughts, your happiness, and how you handle a situation.

Like I have mentioned in the intro to this blog. This blog is a venting tool for me with names usually excluded. It is a peak into my journal basically. It has been a tremendous amount of help to me and I will continue to speak what is on my mind through my blog. Not all are negative and not all are positive, but either way it's my world and you have the choice to read or not to read my blog. With much love and respect!

I live my life knowing that tomorrow is truly not guaranteed! and if I died today I am fulfilled in all that I have done as a friend, mother, fiance, widow, sister, daughter, and most importantly what I have done fro myself, my own personal growth, new hobbies, old hobbies, etc.