ItzaLoveThing

I right along with many have my own set of goals for the year. I have learned that writing them down and crossing them off works best for me. I am excited about what 2010 has in store for me and my family.

so I have another semester behind me and in a week I will be starting yet another semester. I am looking forward to the new semester, and will be taking a total of 5 classes. I am very happy with my grades from last semester.

Intro to Administrative Justice: A

Spanish 1a: B

American History: A

This semester I will be taking Criminal Law, Logic and Critical Thinking, Juvenile Law and Procedures, Intro to psychology of women and Spanish 1b. Keep me in your prayers folks. If all goes well hopefully I will only have two more semesters to go and I will have my AA behind me.

It's amazing...I love all of the blogs that I read, but it is amazing how some can be a torturous reminder of who I really am... Sometimes it is almost like a accident on the road, you can't help but stare even at the risk of creating your own accident. Yup that is me, sometimes I can't help but read, even if it is bringing sadness into my life. Sometimes it is inspiring as well, however most of the time it is just a constant reminder that no matter what I change in my life I will never be able to change the fact that I am a widow! What's strange about that though is that there are days that I would NEVER want to change that, and there are days that I dread saying the word. I know that had my life not turned out the way it has I would not be the same person I am today. But when you have your now 4 year old daughter saying "i want my daddy alive" you can't help but for that split second wish your life was different. I know I am doing all in my power to be the best mother I can be, but I will never be able to change the fact that her daddy died. I will never be able to take away the widow title. So until then rest assured as torturous as it can be to read blogs at times I will continue reading them and finding inspiration and strength from others that are just like me.

Today I made a decision, made a decision to move on.... It is truly a bittersweet one, but one that I know I have to do. This month (jan 20th to be exact) would have marked our 10 year anniversary! The plans we had, well mostly me but he went with it cuz he knew it would make me happy. The plan was to renew our vows in front of all of those that have been there for us and loved us. We got married downtown and had 4 people at our wedding, he knew I missed having my dream wedding. Our first dance song was going to be Still the One by Shania Twain. It was going to be perfect and we were going to have our daughter there with us. This dream is a dream that will never be fulfilled, but will never be forgotten. Today I made a decision that after this year I will no longer celebrate my wedding anniversaries, I will move forward, never forgetting the day, but no longer actually celebrating...it is not the same and never will be, because he will never come back. The other day while listening to Bittersweet, by Dj Neil Armstrong something clicked when I heard this clip "you wake up every day and it hurts a little bit less, then you wake up one day and it doesn't hurt at all, and its kinda weird because you almost miss that pain." Please take that quote for what it is in the context of this blog. Everyday of my widowhood is different and there are days that are hard and days that are easy, I am making a choice to make our anniversary a easy day.

I have an agenda for this day, and I have chosen to not want to spend this year alone, but rather with the man I am going to spend the rest of my life with. I am beyond blessed to have the support that he provides for me, I am thankful that if I did want to spend it alone he understands. We will be doing things in honor of Joe that day and will make the best of it.

So I was not planning on blogging however I was reading some fellow widow blogs and came across something that really touched my soul, in many ways, gave me chills and made me think I needed to write. It is a song called When I was Drinking, those of you that know me and the grieving process I went through as well as the fact that Joe loved beer..LOL...that was the insert joke here moment. On a more serious note listen to the words.

In a conversation yesterday I was told it's a new year a new start and there should be a clean slate. as much as I agree with that when is enough, enough? Or is it just what it is? Do you forgive, give a clean slate yet again, but just not truly give yourself ever again to that person? There have been friendships that I have had that have been very poisonous, and bad for my health, and in all reality bad for their own as well. I have been talked about by people that I have trusted with my most intimate secrets, people that I have called my closest friends. It's a tough pill to swallow when you have other friends that known what has been said ask you "why are you still friends with them? Part is hope, hope that they realize no matter how much of my dirt they have put out there I would never do the same, hope that they would realize that honesty is best, especially when confronted, hope that they would treasure the friendship as much as i have/did. It should not take my life to be "boring" for me to feel at peace that I am not being talked about. I am way past the hurt part that is for sure, and it is unfortunate that no one took a stand in my defense when I was not around to defend myself, or taken a second to find out what was really going on inside my soul that made me the way I was at times. It's a shame that people would let people continue talking when it truly is/was no ones business, or that no one had the balls to come and tell me what was being said. I was judged by people that did not know me all because of the things that were being said even though for the most part those talking about me were no better than I was at that time. relationships were ruined, and yes some were because of my actions as well. But all in all what gives any one the right to talk about a problem behind their back. True friends when truly concerned about a friend will confront the friend, instead of cowardly making themselves look better. I have learned a lot in my 29 years of life, and within the last few years I have learned what true forgiveness is, and as much as it does not hurt anymore I can look deep down inside me and know that I have truly not forgiven. I am finding it very hard to truly forgive because all in all I wish they would just come out and be honest with me. I deserve that much. Will I ever get that, probably not, or maybe I will be surprised. I do believe that the friendship could be changed in a tremendous way with honesty. I know that there will come a point where I will need to make a decision. to truly let it go or to confront it ALL. I am not sure at this moment what direction I will take, I will sit back and pray on it and see where my heart leads me. Wiping the board off is a lot easier said then done that is for sure!

He is all moved in. Luckily we moved things the way we did (little by little), because I was of not much help with my ankle being messed up. either way for the most part we have everything in it's place, and I can not wait to see what 2010 has in store for us as a family as well as me personally.

It's amazing, all the pain I went through with my ankle I was not able to focus on grieving for the first time since 2007, does that mean I miss him any less? Hell No, did it feel good? Kinda. I look back at how I brought 2010 in and he was with us, we put up his little shrine and it is beautiful.

Pook has been saying she wants her daddy back alive, and all I can do is comfort her. I am still so thankful that we did not grieve at the same time. I am able to answer questions and talk about things with a clear mind and clear answers not fogged by crying. I can actually focus on her needs, vs what I am going through. Man oh man how I remember the first New Years with out him, standing in the hall way holding our daughter tight while silently crying so that she did not ask me what was wrong. It feels good to know that I have done all I can to keep his memory alive, to know that it has strengthened me beyond belief.

I am excited, excited about my new future. Sad that Joe is not here to see all that we are doing, but thankful that he sent me a WONDERFUL man.

2010 will consist of doing me, losing more weight, family time and school, all 17 units of it.