ItzaLoveThing

Who said I was ever strong enough to have to hear "my daddy died and that is why I am sad mama"

Yup that is what so so quietly came out of her mouth right now. I know all I can do is hold her and help her through this. All in hopes that she will one day realize it is all going to be ok.

Tuesday Night's are a constant reminder of my life. Of my sometimes very lonely nights, nights where I am thankful for what I have but miss what is gone. Nights where my big bed just feels way too big, and cold. Nights where I usually can't sleep because I end up so consumed by all the thoughts I try to push way back in my brain during the day.

I love having dreams with Josiah, but I hate when they are not clear or when I wake up not knowing if it was him in it or not. I feel like I am cheating myself of a memory to be had. Cuz as reality has it and the only memories to be made are now in my dreams. Man how I wish for more dreams. Dreams telling me he is proud of me, happy for me, right there by our side. These are all things I know but would love to just hear his voice in my dreams and know that it was him telling me.

So, for all of you that have been waiting for us to come out with a mix....here ya go....This is one of the few that have been worked on expect to see a few more soon.

Is now GONE! I knew the day would come that there would not be physical proof that Josiah existed. and what i mean is that it was early after the accident that I accidentally erased his last voicemail to me. In my time I began to give some of his stuff away to people that I felt should have items of his, most of his clothes went to his brother cuz they fit him at the time. There are some things I knew I would never give away and I kept his deodorant. Most stuff is now packed away minus the one shirt that still hangs over my bed and his deodorant. There was one thing that I felt was untouchable...no one would be able to change..well when you have a 4 year old I guess they manage to change things without even knowing they changed things...well it has happened the one last thing that I had to remember him by physically is gone...the other nite I almost freaked out when I realized it was gone...yesterday I got in the car to confirm, and yes it truly is gone. What once was my #1 is now who knows what...but it is no longer him that is for sure. I knew the time would come, and maybe the time was right..just wish I would have had one last chance to push the #1 and feel his height and how he liked to sit

RIP Baby...always thinking of you!

Some days are so much more clearer than other days...some days all I can do is think about the what if's, mainly what if Josiah was still here? How would things really be? Would I have accomplished as much personal growth? How would are daughter act? Would I have gone back to school?

Some days my brain is overwhelmed with the fantasy of what if..and other days all my brain draws is a blank. I am not sure which day is better to be quite honest. Some times I enjoy the blank days, but later feel guilty. Some days the overwhelming thoughts that flood my mind is what actually keeps me going and sane. I guess every once in a while we all just need to check out mentally.