ItzaLoveThing

I have never heard any person say marriage was easy, I have never expected marriage to be easy.  I know it takes work, sometimes more work then other times.  I am starting to believe every young couple should be matched with a older couple who has made it to hell and back a few times.  A couple to look up to and ask the questions like how did you make it through the tough times...not just once, but time after time.  A couple to ask when is it ok to give up and throw in the towel?  I believe some people choose to make life harder then it is, yes it comes with daily stress, but it is how you handle those stresses that will get you through.  Taking out your stress on your loved ones usually does not get you very far. I have learned from a pretty young age that life can be as simple as we make it.  we will have bad and good days, we will have to forgive and we will have to love unconditionally....BUT when is enough enough...when is the tears you cried more then sufficient to say I can no longer do this.  when do you walk away, so that you are not at a point of hating the person you are walking away from.  How many times do you accept I am sorry, throw everything under the rug and claim to start fresh?  In fact is there ever a real clean slate, or will something always trigger you to think of past hurts, past tears shed, past convos with the same empty promises of change?  is it truly better to stay in it because of the kids, or better to walk away because of the kids?  

Changing yourself is actually pretty easy once you set your mind to it, what makes it hard is the other factors that are part of the equation.  When working on a relationship for instance all you can do is do the best to be the best you possible, I have found it difficult at times when others actions etc affect your attitude or your progress of change even.  Regardless of the other factors around me I will continue to hold myself accountable to being the best me possible on a daily basis.  I am aiming to make myself happy again, aiming to be the best mom, sister, wife, friend etc that I can be in the most positive form.  I am also realistic and aware that I may stumble and make mistakes, at that point I will pick myself up and dust my shoulder off and start over again.  

"The most important elements of any relationship are TRUST and RESPECT. When you trust someone enough to be honest with them, you grow to respect them and yourself. Where there is trust and respect, intimacy resides." ~Iyanla

‎"A true teacher is not one who gives you anything. A true teacher is one who makes you aware of what you already have and encourages you to use it."~Iyanla

"Knowing who you are eliminates the guess work in life. When you know who you are, you are open to every experience. You know there is always room for self-improvement and that where you are is an opportunity." Aint that the truth another great quote from ~Iyanla

It takes two to argue, it takes two to be a team etc....I know I am not perfect, and have a lot of self work and healing to do on my part.  I am aware of some changes I need to make in my daily life, in my relationship with myself, my children, and my spouse.  Starting yesterday I will be holding myself accountable for my actions and reactions.  I will not let others control my mood, my happiness, and I will not deprive those that need love of love because of my attitude.  I can only change me and be accountable for me, and hope that at the end of the day we end up on the same page again.  I will learn to love unconditionally as others have done for me, let go of what happened yesterday and move forward to a brighter day etc.  

Never in a million years would I have thought that I would be a mother to 3 beautiful children.  I had a multitude of anxiety bringing our 3rd child into the world, wondering how I would balance the family, the house, my relationship.  Wondering how each child would know that I love them just as much as the other.  She has only been in our lives for a couple of weeks, but has been beyond a blessing.  It is amazing that when they enter your life you seem to forget what your life was like with out them.  I am sure I will have my days where I will be going crazy, but for now things seem to be going quite well.  she is slowly getting on a schedule and the other children love her to pieces.

I am always in amazement when someone can not handle a simple conversation.  Over and over the same tantrum/pity party/victimization goes one because things are not going there way or because they "misunderstood" what I was trying to say.  What was simply me voicing my feelings/needs, which I have voiced over and over, turned into a day ruined and unnecessary bullshit.  One can only take so much and one can only try so much.  At the end of the day I will have to make the right decisions for my family and if certain things continue then I will be forced to make a decision.  I am not a doormat to be walked all over and after a while the "i'm sorry" has not clout...why because, at a certain point I feel people believe that they will/can do what they want...why because a simple "i'm sorry" is supposed to fix it all.  That only works for so long before resentment and numbness kicks in....

So the end of 2011 and beginning of 2012 has had a few personal setbacks....I have spent many years moving forward, trying to stay positive and as far as possible from my old ways....now don't get me wrong I have not come close to who I used to be in many ways, but there are some not so proud moments that I have had.  I am choosing to refocus, choosing to continue to better me.  no one ever said change was easy, nor did they have a timeline on how fast/slow it would happen or how many possible relapses you may have.  I know that I have been pushed, pushed away at times.  regardless of what is going on in my personal life i need to remember that I can not run away from my problems even if I feel like I am at wits end.  I can not just throw my hands up and give up even though I have given 120%.  I must continue with my strive to be a better me... continue knowing that things will not be perfect and that is ok.  I am still a far ways from who I used to be, but have had a lot of not so good thoughts lately....I am choosing today to be accountable for my actions, choosing today to start fresh mentally and move forward, closing the door on my past, I am choosing today to ensure I continue to communicate my needs to the best of my ability, and to stay committed even when I feel that my needs are not being met.  I chose the life I have now and I will continue to do rite by it!