ItzaLoveThing

"I will live with baggage of sadness and keep it close, because it was “my” journey. I respect it, and understand my metamorphosis now as it transformed me to be who I am. I get to draw on deep strength because of it, however, I will never give my grief the power to define who I am, because then..it wins"

I borrowed this from one of the widow groups I am a part of.  I read this definitely when I needed it most.  At times of convenience or even at times un known to me I have allowed grief to define who I am and how I should act (in my own head).  It is a part of my journey yes, but it does not have to be something that I carry as a emotion of sadness, anger etc.  It is something that I will work through just like anything else, something I will take as a learning lesson, and deal with the emotions as they come vs holding them all in and running from anything that reminds me of the sadness it can bring.  I will start to look at the positive as well..if it was not for that change in my life would I be where I am at now?  Would I have ever been a stay at home mom, being able to help Ariyana in Kinder class, attend whatever field trips she wants me to etc and truly watch her grow, Would I have my other two beautiful children?  I moved fast, and made life normal as possible for Ariyana and I...but at the end of the day I think I spent so much time making things better for her that I forgot to take care of me.  Now that she is old enough, and so are the other two it is time to get back to taking care of me.  Some will never understand what I have gone through and instead will judge what I have done, but at the end of the day until you have walked in my shoes your judgement means nothing to me... It has not been a easy road no matter how easy I have made it seem, at times even fooling myself.  As much as I was not a firm believer in the steps of grieving (no matter the order) I am learning that they do exist and if not dealt with will come deal you the biggest hand of all....and unfortunately when you least expect it.  

Its sad when it gets to a point where you feel like total strangers around each other, having no clue what is going on in each others life.  The choice that has to be made is not a easy one and has me beyond stumped.  At some point I guess I gotta decide though.

Sometimes we expect more from others, because we’d be willing to do much more for them; and as we grow older we don’t lose friends, we just learn who the real ones are. The first time someone shows you who they really are, believe them...disloyalty is the only truth that sticks.

For a minute my blog is going to seem cluttered...I am working on moving over some of my pins as well as FB posts that I want to save.  They have nothing to do with anyone or anything just ones that at some point I liked and want to keep.  Eventually I will be turning my blog into a book.   Got quite a bit moved over yesterday.  More to come though

As a spouse you are supposed to be able and willing to say I am sorry and to have the other reciprocate with forgiveness and unconditional love.  At what point is it considered abuse though.  when your actions continue over and over to show what you are constantly apologizing for.  Is it abuse?  or regardless as a spouse are you suppose to just forgive?  How many times does one admit that they need help, promise to seek help, but never make it a priority.  As a spouse are you supposed to sit back and make wait patiently for the change to occur?

Last night I had decided I was going to make my blog private...and in my sleeping thoughts realized that is just not me and goes against my need to help others in some way shape or form.  I am not going to hide behind private walls, I have nothing to hide.  There fore it will remain unblocked and any readers have a choice to stop reading of they do not like what they see.  Welcome back to my world. 

Every day we go through life and we either see most of the signs thrown our way or we miss most of them.  I feel like that scenario when the girlfriend finally dumps the boyfriend yet the boyfriend is oblivious to all that has changed around him, and had no clue there was even a issue.  I guess I am that boyfriend and missed all the signs, I am actually still trying to find the signs, but to my knowledge there were none.   

There are not many relationships I fight for anymore, because at the end of the day there are so many variables that are out of my control.  But when I do put up a fight, and then realize I am the only one fighting I realize that the sign is to move on.  

I can choose to victimize myself and actually have valid points that probably will lead a lot closer to the fact that something was written truly about me, Or I can live by one of the 4 agreements and not take things personal, and leave it as maybe they just had to get it off their chest.  

Lately I have been baffled by the amount of time I have had to spend explaining myself, and anything I have written on FB.  I think it is ridiculous but have been honest.  When asked if something was about someone I have stated yes or no and why.  A lot of times it is my inner thoughts just splurging onto FB with no one in mind, and a lot of times there is someone in mind.  I speak vaguely as to not call anyone out and to simply get the negativity out of my soul.  Most of my posts come from daily struggles, and at one point I was completely understood as to why I wrote what I would write.

Its difficult to grasp that I am no longer understood, and that all of a sudden my Yes or No is not enough to be the truth.  Somewhere down the line I lost the trust that people once had in my words....I find that to be a difficult pill to swallow, but also have to step back and realize it is not my problem.  I can only be honest and spell out what I know....It would just be nice to have the same reciprocated.

Time does not heal what was not broken.....it only creates distance and confusion.  Never thought it would come to this, but I guess I should have known....Another lesson learned...On to making myself stronger and healthy again.  

It's been a long time since I have been here, where I could express anything and get it out of my system and move on.  As I type each letter I can feel anxiety in my body, and it is now that I realize why I ran from here.  I thought maybe I could do then pen and paper kinda of journaling, and I might for my quicker thoughts but at the end of the day the techy in me makes it easier to pour it all out here, and the helper in me hopes that if someone reads this and I can save them because they no longer feel alone i have accomplished something in my life.  The fear of being completely honest has me stumbling over my keys.  A part of me also just made it way to easy to vent on FB, or to easily share something that tugged at my heart, not realizing that depending on timing of things people were taking things out of context and personal.  I am thankful for those that when in times feel something is about them have reached out to me for clarification, and I have been honest about my responses.  Sometimes they are truly just random thoughts, sometimes it is just the poison I need to get out of my system, sometimes it actually has nothing to do with what is going in on my life at all and is something that I felt maybe someone else could get something from (no one in particular). 

Taking a deep breath and coming to the realization that this is home, I can not run from here because of the words that are typed here or in fear of reliving my past by reading where I once was.  

I have come a long way yet have fallen back into really bad habits.  Habits that stem from my child hood.  Habits that come out when I feel like I have lost control of all aspects of my life, when I feel like I am unheard or shut up with no regard, when I feel as though I am beyond misunderstood, when I feel like I am having to apologize for my every action even though I did nothing wrong.  

I have been in a unhealthy place mentally for quite some time, and when I take a step back there is usually something WAY deeper behind it, but its the small stuff that triggers it.  

I feel as if I am failing in many aspects of my life and hurting those around me, and I am probably being way too hard on myself, but the geek in me just wishes there was a book I could pick up and it would tell me what I need to do.  

Without the book and now that the children are getting old enough I do know that I ned to start taking steps to getting me back, and getting back on track with my goals in life, I want to get back into school and finish what I know I am capable of first and foremost.

I want to work on my marriage and parenting skills, finances and just bettering myself in general, I want to surround myself with people that want to be in my life not feel that they are obligated to be in my life because of who we know etc.  I am a honest keep it real kinda person, and at times come across too harsh, I have no problem admitting when I am wrong, and attempting to rephrase what has been said in a gentler manner. I want to focus on the positive things in my life vs the negative things.  We as humans in general are not perfect, but at the end of the day I am blessed with a amazing, caring, go all out for me, supportive, beyond loving, passionate, affectionate husband who loves every ounce of me for who and what I am, who accepts my faults and moves on, who loves me unconditionally.  I have 3 amazing, healthy children who each have their special charms and way to warm my heart and pick me up when I am down.  

I know that having to put my goals on the back burner has made me slightly resentful, and maybe even bitter.  I had not planned to be a stay at home mom, let alone for this long, but once again it could be worse and instead of focusing on the negative I should and will (and usually am most of the time) be grateful that I get to be here for my children, that they are not being raised by someone, grateful that I don't have to drag them out of their comfort zone on a daily basis, thankful that I am not missing their milestones.

At 33 I def did not expect to be where I am at in life, but I am here and there is no turning back.  I will make the best of it and try to find the positive in it all, while remembering it could be worse.