Maryreunited

I really hate it alot.. Too much drama in too many parts of my life, Chucks sister is making it impossible for me to be happy, I mean she really makes my life miserable. Constantly at her brother about how awful I am, how I am a cheat, am using him for money, that I insist that he buy me things (Where she got that idea from I have no clue) I don't need him for his money(altho his spending it on me and the kids is very nice) I don't know anymore if I can do this. I Am not happy and his family is not happy, if I do what I want to do. No one is going to be happy, especially Charles. In fact he will be miserable, and make his families lives misreable in the process. Not something I would care to be the cause of certainly, but on the other hand, staying in the relationsip is not making me happy. So I find myself in the position of doing what everyone else wants me to do yet again. I find the situation to be one of Damned if I do, Damned if I don't. I liken it to how I have been dealt with by K's family. It doesn't seem to matter to them that I do not want to be cause of so much strife, I know I am not responsible for their feelings, only my own. Yet I feel responsible for placing K in the middle of us. Altho I am not the one who did that. I want to be able to extend an olive branch the way Claud has. But the words stubbornly refuse to come to me. Funny that, I usually do not have a problem expressing my self at all. (As some of you can attest to!) I admire greatly women like Claud who seem to be able to rise above the hurt and offer to try and mend fences before things get completely out of hand and end with people hating each other for no better reason than that they do not agree about how/what/where/when and why. I want K to be able to share all of the things she wants to share, with both her families. And not fear some sort of blow up, or having to deal with tension and hurt feelings.I do not want to be part of her other family, she is a part of mine. I do not want there to be pain or strife for any of us, yet it seems as if there is nothing but pain and strife for some. I wonder if the stupidity of some will force a choice being made. It is not fair.. nope not fair at all...

Please go here and read..


http://murry-duck.livejournal.com

I couldn'f figure out how to copy and paste it to here.. Ugh someday I will figure all of this out in both my blogs..

Laugh A Lot, It's Good For You~
Mary~

I hate drama, it sucks, it causes pain and I am very tired of it. Frak it I am not going to change me for anyone..

What the hell is a tummy mommy? And this quetion from a father "What would the male equivalent be? A dick daddy?"(quote from "birthmothers" Exploited by Adoption page on- http://exiledmothers.com) I wonder somedays what are people thinking? The answer I get is of course, they are thinking about the money to be made and making adoptive parents happy. I mean I understand all about correct adoption terms and how they are not for us, they are for aparents. It makes them feel better and all that, but what about us? How do you suppose we feel about this kind of crap? I have been doing some reading on other moms blogs and have found the same feelings there that I have about this. Is it any wonder that we mothers are so full of rage sometimes? I read my childs writings and feel her pain leap off the page at me. It makes my heart hurt, it breaks it over and over when I see her pain. I resent the fact that her family seems to think I am a "nothing" just a friend in her life. I resent it alot, I never would have thought that in asking to share in her life, there would be so much drama. I don't mean share her like she is an object, she is not. She is a human being, who can never be owned or shared as if she were a toy. So they bought and paid for her, and their joy was based on my pain. Seems to me that they forget that simple truth. My pain was the cause of their joy! So how do I get past my anger at the rejection? I have never said anything derogatory about her family, they love and have done their best for her all these years. Yet how can I not feel as if they are not thinking of her best interests? Because it seems to me that if they were this all would not be happening. I am not a "tummy monny" nor am I am a "birthmother". Those words negate me in a way I find hard to explain. I have three other children, and I know that I am nothing but their mother. It confuses me that others would see me as just a "birthmother" or a "tummy mommy" I am not an incubator, I am a mother who lost her child, who lives with the grief of that loss every single day. I have had this much on my mind lately. I can't seem to get it out of my head, the pain I feel is very real, the pain my child feels is very real, and we both need to learn to heal from these wounds. I am certain that the healing for her must be a bit harder, her mother also needs to heal from wounds she will not even acknowledge. It is what it is, and nothing I do now will change the past. All I can do is change my future.

Ask K how this thing works! Hahahaha I am really good with eljay, well except for the cut thing anyway :) I have had a very long week. So much drama last week I didn't know if it would get worse or not. Thankfully it hasn't.. I am really bushed and I will be posting more soon, now that I know how! see you all tomorrow~