Maryreunited

http://nutcookie.blogspot.com/2010/02/moral-majority.html

What's in a name? A Rose by any other name would smell as sweet~ Shakespeare

Right, and he didn't know what the hell he was talking about when he wrote that line. Because seriously, if you don't think names are important to our lost ones you are so very wrong.

Imagine being called one name your entire life and then finding out you were born with a different name? A name that was given a lot of thought, one that took months to choose. Then boom, along comes a new family and that name goes away, until one day you find say a letter, with your actual name from birth in it? Can you imagine the kind of wierdness that comes after that?

Can you imagine looking in a mirror and saying:
"Hi ----, I'm ----" - "Hi ---, I'm ---" same person two names and you have to figure out who you are all over again. I can't imagine how frakked up that has to be for an adoptee.

I can imagine all too well what can happen if the adult adoptee decides for themselves to take back that name, and make it their own. The fall out has to be tremendous. (Don't ask, I do know) But the best thing to do? Don't let it own you, let those who have the problem own their stuff, you own your stuff. It's really that simple- You make your choice, and you stick to it- and no one gets to tell what to do. You decide, you are the master of your own fate-

Once again I say- life just is- and for that I am grateful. Becuase once in awhile, life cuts you some slack, and things happen that amaze you, even if they aren't done for you, the effect is huge-

By the way, did I mention I am totally in love with my daughter? Yeah, I am- she's amazing, and lovely, and I am so proud of the woman she has become....

I wrote about those If-Then statements and how they can cause so much hurt and pain- today let's look at If-So

The first time you hear if in adoption is most likely in a statment like this one "If you love your child then.." So what does that tell you from the get go?

It tells me that love is used as a weapon, and that weapon can cut so deeply that the scars never fade-

Consider this quote-

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold." Frodo Baggins~

When you think about that, it explains so much of my life, how do you do those things? How do you carry on when there is no going back? No do overs? No magic wands? No miracles that let us go back the beginning and start again, and avoid the traps that were lying in wait for us.

But, there are no do overs - it is, what it is. Nothing changes it, nothing fixes it, there are no do overs-

If-So has another meaning for me- if this happens, then this follows, so it makes sense not to do that if the consequences are negative yes?

How could I have been an If-So girl if I didn't know all the consequences?

Yeah exactly- Not an If-So girl-

So, the last couple of days have been pretty hard on a mom friend of mine. She is losing her husband to cancer, and dealing with has got to be one of the hardest things in the world. I know I lost my mom, not so long ago, not the same as a spouse of course, but watching my pop's grieve? Yeah I get it-

So suddenly there are all these negative comments being posted to her blog- by some very angry, very ugly adoptees- Don't people think? EVER?

If you are a mom, then you have no dignity- if you are a mom, you spread your legs, you made your choice, you signed the papers- and on and on and on.

When does this end for us? Does it ever end? If you are so angry about your problems then why take it out on those of us trying to figure out how to heal, to make things better, to actually live our lives without the turmoil, and pain?

I am so sick inside when I read some of those if-then lines these days. Do not any of you ever stop to consider that we moms have feelings too? We hurt, we bleed, we cry, we love, we live, we lose those we love, and stil we are supposed to give all to our children regardless of how invasive it is, how our children (adults!) want to know all the nitty gritty details of our lives, Guess what? Some of it is private- and some of it no one knows but us. And, guess what else? We want to keep it that way. Call it unfair, call it wrong, but every person deserves to be able to keep some things to themselves. I have never denied my daughter any information (just for the record) there are things we have not talked about yet, but that is because it's hard to talk about some things on the phone or in an email. Face to face works so much better- body language and tone of voice convey so much more than mere words on the phone or a sheet of "paper."

I feel as if these days I must defend every mother out there- it's like a wave crashing over us- so much anger and hate and pain, and yes, rage..

Guess what? We feel those things too- and just like you, we have to deal with it. Sadly, from what I have seen and read in the last 72 hours or so, alot of you need to do a lot of work and learn that if you are this angry and hurt, then you need help~

Without which not~

So what does that mean to us? The mother's of loss, the mother's of exile? How does it inform us/or inform others about us.

Without which not- think about that, I mean really think about it. Would any of us be here without what happened to us? Our experiences, our reunions, or lack thereof- about the craziness that our lives become?

Then again, without what happened to me, would I be the same person, yes I know I would still be me, but would my life be very different? Would my course have been easier, harder? I don't know, all I can say is, I know it would have been different.

Just as I know my daughter's life would have been different- not better, not worse, just different.

I think often of her father and the things he must tell himself to justify in his own mind what he did, or failed to do. I think out of everything I have learned over the last almost 6 years, this bothers me the most. (Well that, and some people who think I am crazy and insane, which btw I am not)On many levels I can understand why he would need to do this, I get it, I really do. I grok it- what I can't understand, is why he must continue to do this. I know men are different, they think differently, perhaps it's a matter of his own emotional survival. Because really, if he told himself the truth wouldn't be telling himself he abandoned me, and our daughter? (And he did) That is a hard thing to think about yourself, and I should know, I have felt that too. As in "How could you do that to her? You just left her?" thoughts- I wonder if he ever has those fleeting thoughts, the what if's- if he ever thinks about Sine Qua Non -Without Which Not- If he ever regrets just leaving us, and not trying to fight for my daughter. I know he has had a basically good life, has a wife he loves completely, and is content.

But...

I still wonder what would have happened- and I think often about Sine Qua Non- Without Which Not-

For want of a nail yes?

Deleted by mistake-



Reminds me of adoption all too much, but of myself as well- thank you Guy~

That song got me thinking- Perfectly Flawed? Or, Beautifully Broken? Are we mom's both those things? Are we broken, and then made whole? Do our flaws make us beautiful and unique?

I have a user icon that has the words Beautifully Broken on it- (yes from the song, I first saw it used by my friend Suz, and co-opted it because it fits) Which was the prompt that had my friend Guy post the song I myself posted last night.

It has in the lyrics the words "work in progress" and "Cracks in glass" One of my dear, dear friends, (GG) called me a mosaic, and a work in progress. I like that, because really aren't we all works in progress? Do we not evolve, change and become different people over the course of our years, and through our experience's?

I don't know how I came to where I am now, all I know is I like where I am.

Student, mother, daughter, lover- all those things and more- not exactly in that order of course- but all those things are good things. Wonderful things, amazing things, and sometimes sad things-

We all talk about loss in this thing called adoption, grief, pain, denial, and more grief- But I really want all of us to be able to talk about the good things in life too. Like the joy you find in being found, the joy of knowing, and finally being able to put some of the ghosts to rest- the joy of being one whole again once the missing piece is found..

Because the thing is, the broken part comes not only from the loss, but from the not knowing, the not being able to grieve. Grief smacks you right upside the head when you are found/or you find-and then all these emotions come flooding back, the pain is trebled over what it was you thought it was at the start- But then once the floodgates open, and it's spilling out of you, and the bleeding that started with the loss starts to lessen, and then the wound begins to heal, and one day you wake up and realize, while you may still be broken in ways that will never heal, you are a whole person again. Stronger and braver than you ever imagined you could be.

I know people talk about "coming out the other side" but in order to do that, you have to remember this- to get past it, you have to go through it- a very wise young woman told me that. She was more right than I ever thought she was back then... I have come out the other side now- and really? It sure feels fine~

It's Tuesday and snowing and I contemplating so many things. Reading a book called The Spirit Catches You and You Fall Down- Anne Fadiman- a story about Hmong immigrants and their child who is ill, and the collision between their beliefs and Western Medicine.

What has struck me so far in the reading is how similar the collision is to the collision we as mothers faced. Caught between two things, the thing we wanted (to raise our babies) and the thing others wanted of us/for us to do.

Imagine if you will being in that place, where someone asks you to make two lists, one being: What can you give your baby? one being: What can a married couple give your baby?

Can you see how as a single parent the list you wrote for yourself would be quite short, especially if like many of us you were young and in school and not making much money?

Now imagine the other list- what do you think would be on that list?

I can tell you, the second list is always longer- ALWAYS-

Can you see the way in which this could be called coercion? Can you imagine looking at these lists you have made and comparing them? Which list do you think would win in that little exercise? Right, I thought so too.

So riddle me this, Why use this sort of thing? I find the answer quite simple, it's a not so subtle attempt to make you see things "their way" it's a not so subtle way of getting you ( the mother ) to see things in a different light. It's all about love, and how our love was manipulated by a system that has no interest in doing what is really best for us as mothers, and a system that has a very vested interest in having a baby they can "sell" to a "deserving happy family"

What they fail to explain to those of us who were caught in this collision, is this- even happily married couples get divorced, one or the other may die when a child is young, that in fact, that happily married couple is just as human, as we the mothers are. They have failings, and fears, and doubts just as we do. In short they fail to inform us, that just as we are, adoptive parents as all too human, just as we are.

Being human it all comes back to that- and thus the question becomes, How can humans (women and men) do the things they do to young, scared pregnant women? I wonder how some of them can sleep at night knowing all they do about what adoption does to both mother and child. And then I weep-

"Don't live your life in regret" Zoe Greystone

That is a line from the show Caprica- I think it's a great line- in fact I think the show is going to be great- It has everything it needs to be a truly great show (or so I believe) but the show is not the point of this post- Although I do have to give a big shout out to Sasha Roiz and Esai Morales - both are so good (not to mention SEX-ON-A-STICK!) and if you are not watching this show, you should be!

So let's pick it apart this regret thing, it kind of goes with my thoughts yesterday on ways of seeing.

As one commenter pointed out- we see things through the lens of our experiences. I believe that everything in my life has been coloured by the moment I lost my child to what a lot of us call the adoption machine. (and it is the kind of machine that chews you and spits you out, bleeding and ragged)

So the list then, yes?

What I regret-
1) I regret not being informed
2) I regret not being able to truly make a choice (informed or otherwise)
3) I regret all my lost years
4) I regret not insisting on Jack being responsible
5) I regret just letting it go and ending up in a place where I was in no position to think let alone make a coherent decision of any kind.
6) I regret all the time that I have wasted since my reunion fighting not to feel my feelings (although that part has been done for a long time now)
7) I regret all the these things and more-

What I don't regret-
1) Loving my daughter(s) and my sons
2) Loving my mother enough to be with her to the end- as hard as it was for me to watch the woman I idolized suffer, I do not regret one single minute I spent with her.
3) Loving my life, and what I am doing with it
4) Loving a man who has given me so much without ever knowing he was giving it
5) Loving all of my family despite what they may think or believe, that I do not
6) Loving and caring for people despite what I have gone through in my life
7) Writing this blog, it helps more than anyone would ever believe, it is after all my story, my life, and more importantly my feelings
8) Teaching my raised children that love is never wrong, that sometimes being weak, is really being strong.
9) Teaching my children that the words I love you-must mean something if you say them
10) Helping people, even if it has sometimes bitten me in the end. I learned from it-
11) Wanting to help people in spite of my own experiences in life- I believe it says more about a person who has gone through hell, and still wants to help, than doing nothing and wallowing in self pity.
12) I also love the fact that I have come to a place where so many different minds meet and intersect, and while we may not all agree, we can at least agree to disagree-

Funny how that second list is longer isn't it? I choose not to live my life with regret. But to be a woman who is Strong and Beautiful, without regret. (Thank you for that thought Ms Suz)

How do you all choose to live your lives? Do you choose to really see? Do you choose to live without regret? DO you choose to be as strong and beautiful as you can be?

I do choose, and in the end I regret only that adoption hurt me, and my child(ren) funny isn't it, that my entire regret list comes back to that one thing.

As I said, it comes with the way we see things- I feel as if now finally and truly, I am seeing in all the ways that I can~

How many ways of seeing do you think there are? Yes, we look with our eyes, but do we always look with more than that? Do we put what we are seeing in context? To time? To place? To self? To others?

Do we also see with our hearts? Our senses? Can you feel what you see? Can you hold it in ways that have nothing to do with seeing?

Do we see with our hands? Can you see with your mind?

I think the answer to all those things is yes, we see in all those ways....


But, I think the thing of more import is what we do not see- or at least what some in this thing called adoption fail to see, or refuse to see.

So if I were to ask all of you who read here, what do you think some fail to see in this mess called infant adoption, what would you answer? Tell me what you all think, and let's see what comes of that, what one thing will prompt me to write a NEW THING- Something that will make every godsdamned fool sit up and take notice~

That is my challenge to all of you-give me a prompt worth writing about-

For now I am going to sit here and dream awake- and think of what might have been...

"Memory... is an internal rumor" - George Santayana

So think about that quote- kind of strange to think of memory that way is it not?

I believe our memories are both subjective and objective. (in time at least) But memory is not static, it's a living thing. It breathes, it cries out to be heard, it breaks our hearts, and uplifts us as well.

Since my reunion, I have regained (recovered?) memories that at times I wish would have remained buried in my subconscious. They are painful, dreadful, horrific, and yet some of them, are lovely, sweet and I play those out in my mind over and over.

I remember counting toes, and fingers, and looking at this child in her alltogether to memorize every thing about her. Stroking her hair, holding her on my lap facing me and just staring, and talking to her for hours. I remember sleeping with her in my arms... I remember the way she smelled, soft and sweet and beautiful. I don't remember her crying at all- I remember the way her little eyes gazed into mine, as if she too knew that she needed to memorize my face. Such a serious little face she had. I remember the way her hair laid against her scalp, so dark and unlike my own-

Those are the memories that I think of the most often, not the hard ones, not the ones that make me weep even now 26 years later. Those that come to me in the night as I sleep, and start awake with my heart in my throat and tears on my cheeks. Those memories haunt my dreams- and yet... I need them, they are part and parcel of who I am now. They helped create the me that is writing this- the me, who is determined to try and change things-the me who wants to help children who have been traumatized by adoption, the un-wanted, given back, broken children- the ones no wants (or so they believe) The me who wants to help mothers like myself- the broken, traumatized, unwanted mothers-that no wants to think about, that most have no interst in helping-

So memory is both the bane of my existence and the spur that keeps me moving down my path. I will have what I want, I will have it-even if it takes the rest of my life to get it~