Maryreunited

Putting one foot in front of the other, living our lives, when something so precious and unique is taken from us? How do we get from point A, to B, then C, and finally D? (D is the life after surrender, while B and C are pregnancy and surrender) How do you survive it?

For myself it was as simple and as complicated as stuffing all those things into a lockbox in my brain. Shove it all in, lock it up tight and then move on. The problem with that is this, those things don't stay locked up, at least not in the way we would wish them to stay locked up. They tumble out at the worst times, and then? Well sometimes we do things we shouldn't-some of us drink (I did that for a bit when I was in the army) or we write, or we try to run away (That army thing again) we try so hard to get away from it, and none of what we do works. Or, at least it doesn't work for long.

When it does come tumbling out, where do you find yourself? Me? Usually on the floor curled up in a ball and sobbing.(At least back then) Then the storm passes, the sky clears and amazingly things are pretty damn normal. These days, after all that therapy (gods I hate therapy) I don't find myself curled up on the floor, I can look at the past, and what happened, and I know two things, 1) It wasn't my fault, and 2) I am not the only person who has to own it. For whatever strange reason my child's father gets a pass from her for his abandoning us. He doesn't get a pass from me- he will never get a pass from me. I wonder if he knows that? I am still pretty angry with him- oh, not the "I'll rip your face off" angry anymore. But the, "I'm still pissed because you can't own your part in this mess" angry.

Wow, that felt good to write, and to say-maybe I should make a habit of saying what's really on my mind? What do you think?

                                                

                                                           "Without Which Not."


  I have often pondered that phrase. Does it create a resonance in you when you read those words? I know it creates one in me, it rings in my head, and in my heart. It's like the old poem, "For want of a nail all was lost."

For want of a nail, think about it.I mean really think about it. What if is usually a fool's game, (and it is in this case) but, I still like to play that game.

What if Jack had been responsible, what if he had gone with me to my parents and we had both told them? Would it have made a difference? What if all that crap that happened after we broke up, had not happened? Would that have changed things? If instead of taking advantage of my inebriated state, he had simply let me pass out and taken me home later? Would that have made a difference?

Those things run around and around in my head, the thoughts chasing each other until I fall into an exhausted sleep. Usually that sleep is filled with terrible dreams, or at least fearful dreams. I wake up, still exhausted, but also sad, and lonely, with tear stained cheeks (often, though not always) and legs that feel as if I have been running all night.

I wonder how many other mother's have these types of thoughts, these kinds of dreams? I am betting most of them that I know well, fall into this trap, or have fallen into it. I also wonder how they kept their sanity all these years. How do you keep your sanity? How do you stop feeling guilty, and useless, and as if you matter not at all to your child?  I don't know those answers-I don't think I will ever know those answers.

What I do know is this, reunion does not fix anything, if anything it makes things more complicated and messy. It is frustrating, maddening, heartbreaking, and yes, joyous as well. These days for me? It's more or less a non-reunion, and you know what? That's ok- it really is. I work, I go to school, and those things eat up a lot of time, I also have three raised children, and that is one of the great joys of my life. To see their faces and know, they will never have to deal with the pain and anguish my eldest had to deal with. I can live with that.