Our Family Adventure

Well, I guess I've left you all dangling for long enough. Every "part 1" implies there's more to the story, right? So I guess today I will write a bit more about the girls.

The day the girls came, big sister had vomited on the way, from the nerves of it all. After getting her in the house and settled in, signing a bunch of paperwork, the case aide said something to her like, "Oh, you're going to stay here for a while." I was astonished, not sure if she hadn't said anything to her at all like that before that point. Yikes.

I pretty much turned Naomi loose with her and just let her do fun stuff with her, while I took on somewhat bewildered looking but quiet baby sister. That first day went pretty well, just hanging around the house and making a quick trip to the store a half mile away to get some essentials like diapers, formula, and some undies for big sis, who only had the pair she was wearing.

The only way I could get baby sister to sleep was by wearing her in the Baby Bjorn, and big sis just kind of collapsed in the chair partway into the afternoon. It was a little random, but it worked, given the fact that they'd just been removed from the only life they'd known less than 24 hours before. 

Nap time the second day they were here.

Night times were pretty rough the first few nights. Baby sis didn't want to sleep in the crib. We weren't sure if she was a co-sleeper, but we knew we're not allowed to do that as foster parents, at least not on a regular basis. The first night, though, we ended up bringing her into our bed out of sheer exhaustion because she kept waking up whenever I'd lay her in the crib. The second night I was able to get her to sleep in the crib, but each time she awoke, I had to come up with a little routine of rocking her to sleep, then gently laying her down while still sort of rocking her as I lay her in the crib, so she'd stay asleep and I could walk away. Each consecutive night was easier, and she soon learned to sleep in the crib and not wake up when I put her back in after she had a bottle.

Big sis cried for their Mommy and Pappi each night. Going to sleep, waking in the night, several times a night. It was heartbreaking. I kept thinking of her parents, missing her at night, and wishing they could all be together. I can't share anything about the case, obviously, but it all seemed so wrong that they were apart from each other. And that's all I can say.

After probably a month or so, we finally got big sis so she would come knock at our bedroom door if she awoke in the night, instead of just screaming loudly for her parents. It took a while, but she got it down and only once in a while would scream.

Nap time on the couch one of those early days with the teddy bear our licensing worker brought for her.

Such a sweet baby!

Just playing in the living room one afternoon.

Baby sister started to get quite attached to us, particularly me. (And oh my goodness, it was so easy to love that baby girl!) I was so amazed how quickly she was able to get attached.  But I think it was a testament to how well she was loved by her mom that she knew how to do it. She started to get into that stranger anxiety age after about five weeks with us, which always tends to make things a little tricky if you need to leave her with someone else.



Being away from their parents was *really* hard on big sister. She would cry for her mommy whenever things didn't go the way she wanted, and she could really throw some big fits! She didn't like a lot of the way we did things, and that was a challenge. I definitely lost my cool with her more than I care to admit. :( Getting ready in the mornings and the whole bedtime routine tended to be hard times for the two of us.

Looking back on all of it now, it seems that the more time passes since they moved out, the harder it is for me to understand why I had such a hard time with her. But she was definitely hurting and missing her parents and had been through quite a bit of trauma, Although we tried to be as forthcoming as we could with what we knew was happening, in her four year old mind, once she saw her parents again, they could just be all back together as a family again. Sadly, there were a few more layers to it than that and it's hard enough for foster parents who've been through training to understand, let alone little kids.

We enrolled big sister in a Christian preschool super close to our house. The state paid nearly all of the tuition, and it was so great having her in a school where they were talking and singing about Jesus all day long. The people there were so great. :)  Her being in school also allowed the big kids and me to be able to focus on our homeschooling a lot easier. :)

A visit to the walk-in clinic, the first of several ear infections baby sis had during their time with us. It was just that time of year...

Matt covered for a clinic in Lake Havasu City in October for a couple of days, and all the kids and I (and the dog) came along. Here's the girls, with Rue looking on, playing in the living room of the vacation rental where we stayed.

Things changed a lot in late November. Again, I can't say anything about the reasons, but it was six weeks before they could see their parents after being removed. Big sis was in heaven to see them again! Baby sis, on the other hand, cried really hard when Mommy held her. It broke my heart to see her mom crying because her baby wanted me more than her. :(  Not a good feeling at all.

But over the few hours we were together, Mom was very patient and didn't push it too fast. By the end of the evening, baby sis fell asleep in her arms. I was so relieved. We exchanged phone numbers that night and every bedtime after that included calls to both parents before big sis went to bed. It definitely helped with her bedtime sadness. :)

Also, it was so good to get to know their parents and hear more about their story... how the two of them met, the pregnancies and births, and their lives in general. So good to finally begin to develop a relationship with them. Knowing them as a family and seeing them together really helped me hang in there when big sis was being challenging. There was something about knowing and caring for her parents and wanting to help get their family back together again that helped so much.

Naomi & big sis at a living nativity, with baby sis looking on.

Christmas program at church, and the girls' mom was able to come to see big sis in the play.

Shortly before Christmas, a relative was tentatively approved to have the girls live with her and her family. We got to know them, and the girls began having overnight visits on weekends to begin the transition. By the end of December, we were just waiting on the judge to sign the paperwork to make it official and have the girls move in with their kinship placement.

David & Marissa came home from Michigan for Christmas, which was a lot of fun. David had been scheduled for work, so we didn't think he would be able to use the plane tickets we'd already bought for him. At the last minute, he got approved to take the week off, and kept it a secret to surprise us. So when we went to the airport to get Marissa, David was there, too! It was the best surprise ever. :)

Playing the piano with David when he came for Christmas.

Nap time in the living room, with David playing the guitar in the background.

The girls immediately fell in love with David & Marissa. Here, with Joshua and Marissa back to back, you can see he is finally taller than her for the first time in his life. I love how baby sis is looking up at Marissa. So cute. :)

Getting our Christmas tree.

Big sis and I were the main tree decorators. She was really into it. :)

Just hanging out during Christmas break.

It was fun watching the girls on Christmas Day. They went to spend the afternoon and evening with their relatives that they were soon moving in with, and were able to see both parents that day. It was a good, busy day for all.

The day after Christmas.

Taking David to the airport to head back home. Look at baby sis' little hand, reaching up to him... they had this game they played in the car, where she'd do that and he'd nibble at her fingers. It was so sweet to see how much the girls loved David & Marissa, even though they'd never met them until they came for Christmas.

At the park on Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. Baby sis was eleven months old that day.

She pulled herself up to standing to play with the Winnie the Pooh set!

The judge had signed off on the paperwork for the girls to move in with their relatives. This was the last weekend with them before they left on January 23rd.

The girls had several weekend visits with their relatives, and we'd sent along a lot of their things already. This is what was left the night they moved out. It's amazing how quickly they got so much stuff, after being with us only since the beginning of October!

Well, there you have it. Nearly four months wrapped up into one blog post. It seems fast, looking back on it now, but it was a really all-consuming time with tons of appointments, visits, and lots of other stuff. 

We had a fun Valentine's Day last week. In past years, the kids and/or I have cooked a dinner and the kids have served Matt & me like it's a fancy restaurant. A nice, inexpensive way to celebrate Valentine's Day. This year, though, the kids & I thought doing a family dinner would be a nice change. So Naomi & I worked on the meal and decorations. :)

The kids & I went on a walk that morning, and Rue was super excited. This is a Snapchat pic I posted of her. She's too cute.

Naomi thought of the idea of making Love Potion in the bottle I have out for a decoration. I think she did a very fine job. :)

Naomi thought it would be fun to have a Reserved sign on the table, like we were at a restaurant. (And you can't beat the $1 bunch of clearance flowers I got at Fry's a few days earlier for Joshua's birthday.)

How fun that the salad toppings I happened to have in the house were all red! :)

Ham, scalloped potatoes and spinach salad. And somehow I forgot to take a photo of the cheesecake I made for dessert.

Naomi insisted on being our waitress.

Naomi & me. :)

Jesse & Joshua. :)

My attempt at a nice selfie of Matt & me. Hmm...

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em, right? ;)

Naomi & I had a little bit of fun with Bananagrams before our dinner.

We all had a fun Valentine's dinner, and then conveniently, since Valentine's was on a Tuesday, which happens to be discount day at the local movie theater, Matt & I went out for a movie afterwards. (Kind of a pretty frequent date night when we don't have little foster people in the house who require a sitter aged 18 or older.)  We saw Lion and highly recommend it. It was so good. Here's the trailer. 

Seems like now might be a good time to post about our second placement, two little sisters who just moved in with relatives a few weeks ago. This was our first time fostering siblings, which proved to be more challenging for us--at least this particular combination of siblings did.

So how did we decide to foster siblings this time? 
It started when we had Little Guy. At the first court hearing, the judge said that while they searched for a kinship placement for our foster baby and his sister, a second option was having them be in a licensed foster home together. We started thinking about that possibility, and our licensing worker, Nikki, got our license expanded just in case. 

As it turned out, little guy was moved to a kinship placement on his dad's side of the family last August. As far as we know, his big sister is still with her foster family, since they have different fathers and no kinship home was found on mom's side of the family.

Months later, when we were taking a break between placements, Matt started talking about fostering infant twins. I was sort of fascinated by the idea, since we'd always thought when we were expecting our own kids that it would be cool to have twins.

Nikki said she didn't hear much of infant twins in foster care, but that there was always a need for siblings of different ages to be fostered together. I didn't want to just request twins, thinking it would take too long to get a placement, so I thought maybe we could go on the list for two children--a baby and an older sibling, under school age. 

Originally when we were being licensed, I had thought that babies were a better fit for me, as far as caring for other people's kids is concerned. Once they get a little older, it's hard for me to get them to listen. Not our kids--just other people's kids, which obviously foster kids are.  So I sort of pushed that thought aside when we were contemplating our second placement. More on that later.

Anyway, on October 1st we went back on the list. It was a Saturday, and we only got one call that whole weekend. It was for a baby girl (I forget how old) and a 5 year old boy.  That was an easy "no," because according to the rules, the older sibling had to be a girl since they were going to share a room with Naomi, who is older than six years old.

So on Monday, I dropped Matt off at work and was telling him what I was planning about getting in contact with him if I were to get a call. He mischievously teased me, "About what??" because he didn't think we'd get a call.  I rolled my eyes at him. 

About five minutes later, while I was driving away from his clinic, I got a call. Taking a quick look at my phone, I could tell it was indeed "a call," so I excitedly/nervously answered. It was a man from the DCS placement center, calling about two sisters, ages seven months and four years. He said their names and a brief reason why they were removed, which wasn't really much information at all. I tried to remember the things I'd written on my list of what to ask when getting a call, which I had left at home. I forgot a few of the things I wanted to know, but did remember to ask where they were removed from. On finding that it was fairly close, I had a feeling that they would place them with us. I told the man at the placement center that I would be home in about five minutes, call my husband just to bounce it off him, and then give him a call right back.

I've been told that if you don't give an answer right away, if you hang up to call your spouse, that they will continue on down the list and give the placement to someone else before you call back. It didn't happen in this case. I called Matt, who was very surprised that I'd gotten a call so soon, then called back to say that we'd take the girls. The man at the placement center asked me a few questions and said they'd be at our house within two hours. This was about 9:00 a.m. and they came by the time it was 11:00.

 

Getting ready for bed the first night.

Playing in the living room the next day.

The girls didn't come with much, a tiny backpack each with a few items in it. They appeared well dressed, clean and very well loved and cared for. As often is the case, we didn't know why they were removed but figured it out based on what big sis said to us later that day. I can't share details, but these girls are well loved and we've been rooting for team family ever since we found out what's going on. Hopefully soon.

It's been one year and a couple days since we started the process of being licensed for foster care. It's cool how God brings things into your life and heart to draw you to do something about it. For us, after contemplating the idea of getting involved with foster care for a little over a year, we went to a nearby church for a foster care orientation (the first step in the process here in Arizona). I remember so well how it felt as we heard about the huge need for foster homes and how God was speaking to my heart about it all. 




It's crazy to think that it's already been five weeks since our first little foster guy left. I can't believe how quickly the time has gone and how much has happened since he left, but I guess that's the way time is. My mind is always buzzing with thoughts about foster care and ideas for the next time, and so I thought it might be a good time to try to pin some of those thoughts down. So here goes...

We kind of knew we would be in for a lot of changes when we got our first placement.  We've had six babies of our own, so we already knew about the changes that happen when a new baby arrives. Still, there were a lot of things that were different with a foster baby than with our previous experiences.

It had been nearly twelve years since our youngest was born, so having a baby in the house again was kind of like starting all over again. Experience came in handy in a lot of ways, though. We already knew which baby products were helpful to us before. So the day after he came, we went on the quest for a bunch of those items that you kind of forget about until there's an actual newborn in your house. It was so fun having a little baby in the house and shopping for baby stuff again.

But a lot was different because this wasn't "our" baby. All the questions, which started that first time we went out with him... 



"Oh, how old?" a lady asked, and when I answered, "Five days," she looked me over, head to toe, presumably to see how I looked after having a baby so recently.  That felt really weird. 

One night when he was eleven days old, an older woman said, "Oh, honey, when I had my first, I didn't go out for a month!"  Matt and I both smiled at how cute she was, to think that we, a middle-aged couple with two adult kids and three others, had just had our first baby. And then there was the lady who, at seeing how much hair the little guy had, exclaimed how I must have had heartburn while I was pregnant. Haha, okay... I just laughed & smiled.

At first, the questions made me feel so awkward. But after a while, I got used to them. I got used to the looks of wonder when people noticed his dark eyes, hair and skin in comparison to our paleness... the questions people had but didn't dare ask. I finally started to realize some of the seemingly rude questions were really just people's way of saying they noticed us and wanted to know what the story was. Like the waitress who wouldn't stop asking, "Is he YOURS?" until we finally said something that made us sound like kidnappers. Yikes. I've yet to figure out the best way to gracefully bow out of telling all the details because they're not ours to tell, but I do think people for the most part are just curious.



Having a baby in the house again felt so good, so normal. But there were a lot of reminders that this was different, that he wasn't "ours" like our biological kids are. Bottle feeding and night times and being prepared for when we went out had a bit of a learning curve, when our previous experience was with breastfeeding and co-sleeping. The weekly visits with his parents--sending him off with a case aid for a long car ride, 4-hour visit and another long car ride back--were more reminders that this was different. The times that we supervised visits with his parents were surreal, handing him off to them and watching as they held, comforted & fed him while we tagged along at the library or the mall.  Then there were also the monthly visits from our licensing agency and his case manager and the random phone calls from various agencies. At the beginning, I joked that he needed his own calendar just to keep everything straight.

Knowing the transition to living with relatives was coming, but not knowing when this would happen was a hard time for me. I felt like I was living every day on pins & needles, half expecting a call saying he was going to leave that day. (It does happen like that sometimes.) As it turns out, we had plenty of time to prepare ourselves and transition a bit before the big day. In hindsight, I wish I hadn't spent most of the summer worrying about how it was all going to go down. Hopefully I can remember that for the next time. 



In those weeks of waiting and wondering, I read a lot about foster care transitions and how painful they are, things that said, "If it doesn't break your heart, you're not doing it right." So when we actually drove away without him and I didn't feel heartbroken and torn apart in the days and weeks afterward, I felt like something was wrong with me. 

After a while, I came to realize that I had done a lot of "pre-grieving" in those weeks leading up to his actual departure. It helped knowing he's in a really great home with relatives who love both him and his bio family, people who know the Lord. We honestly couldn't have picked a better home for him to move into.

I think that it's easy to compare ourselves with other people and judge ourselves wrongly. We're not all the same, we don't all have the same background, and I suspect each foster care goodbye will be different. I imagine (and have been told) it must be really difficult to see a child you've loved and cared for go back into a situation that seems uncertain and potentially dangerous. We're still new at this and I want to remember to give myself grace with how I'm feeling, whether it's the way all the stuff I've read says I'll feel or whether it's not. 

Looking ahead to the next placement, it's weird because this time we're already licensed and we're not waiting on anyone to tell us we can have a foster child come live with us. It's up to us when we want to go back on the "open bed" list. Matt has said it's up to me when we tell our agency we're ready, since I'm the main caregiver. I've got a date in mind, based on some family, health and art business things going on.

It's shocking to me how quickly I've grown accustomed to sleeping all night long and how easily Matt & I can go out on an evening alone, almost to the point of taking it for granted. I look forward to doing it again, to having a sweet baby in the house again... but at the same time, I do remember how hard getting up every two hours at night is. I also remember how it was so much harder to go on a date, because you have to have somebody 18 or older watch foster children, and we don't have any college students nearby.

At the same time, though, having experienced what it's like to love on a baby that I didn't birth and to get to know his parents and unexpectedly kind of fall in love with them, I can't help but wonder about the next one and his/her parents. I read something the other day on an online foster parent forum about reunifications and goodbyes and how they've added new family members to their family with each new placement, referring to their foster childrens' families. I really liked how she worded that, and I find myself missing little guy's parents and knowing what's going on with them almost as much as I miss having him around.

Foster care is definitely an adventure, and Matt and I feel like we were eased in fairly gently with the case we were involved with. We're still so new at this, but it's fun to look back at the beginning of the process a year ago and to see where God's taken us so far on this journey.

So it's National Breastfeeding Week, and I've seen lots of cool photos and posts in various places on the Internet this week. All week I've had these interesting thoughts rolling around inside my head about how things in life change and how you don't always have to do things the same way as you've always done them.

Case in point, parenting a foster baby versus parenting our biological babies.  We co-slept and breastfed our babies, so that's what our experience with babies had been.  We obviously knew when we were being licensed for foster care that things would be different.  In January, when Little Guy came along, we became newbies in a lot of ways. Obviously you can't breastfeed foster babies, and you can't have foster children sleep in your bed, so although a lot of having a baby around again came back easily, there was a lot that was brand new to us.

In the early weeks, this seemed so vastly different from what we were accustomed to.  But somewhere in the past six months, I realized it feels completely normal to be washing & sterilizing bottles and serving up formula to a sweet little baby. I still hold him in my arms in the position my biological babies were in when I nursed them, and he still gazes up into my eyes the way they used to. But there's a bottle in my hand instead of a baby at my breast. 

Never mind that silly look on my face there. ;)

I remember how intensely I felt about breastfeeding at the beginning of my mothering journey.  It was something I really wanted to try, but I wasn't sure if it would work out.  After all, both my mom and Matt's mom had tried breastfeeding with us, and it didn't really work out. 

The three of us at the beginning of this parenting adventure.

I'm a reader at heart, so when I want to know more about something, I read about it. I went into motherhood having read in depth any breastfeeding book I could get my hands on, hoping that my experience with breastfeeding might just work.  And I was over the moon excited when it did! I cringe a bit when I think back on it, because I'm sure in my enthusiasm I must have hurt some people's feelings without intending to.  I now realize a couple of things.  One, I can be a bit intense when I'm really into something.  And two, you actually do a lot of growing up once you're an adult, and you can kind of roll your eyes in later decades at the younger you.  (At least I know I do about younger me.)

Anyway, in my overzealous mind, formula was akin to the devil, at least in relation to MY baby.  I was a full-time working mom for most of David's first year, and I was bound & determined that a drop of formula was not going to pass through his lips.  I brought my breast pump to work and used my coffee and lunch breaks to provide nourishment for him.  I remember being so glad that although I couldn't be with him during the day, at least I was doing something that nobody else could do for him.  (Maybe that was it more than the disdain for formula, I don't know.)

Fast forward ten and a half years to when Naomi was 2 months old and I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I had to have an MRI with contrast, so for two days, I had to pump and dump my milk.  So the decison had been made: Naomi had to have formula.  Honestly, in light of the situation, we didn't even care... it was the least of our concerns at that point. There was a tumor in my brain. So Matt & I went to the store and stared blankly at the huge selection of formulas, laughing at ourselves.  There we were, with our sixth baby, feeling just like brand-new parents in trying to figure out which formula to buy.  

She was such a good sport about suddenly being bottle fed that day, having never had a bottle before.

So formula became our friend during the time when I had to have my brain surgery, because we were apart from each other for nearly a week, and I was on some pretty good drugs besides.  I was able to get back to 100% breastfeeding within a short time of the surgery, but formula was so handy as a backup for times in the church nursery or when we went out without Naomi.

So I just think it's funny celebrating National Breastfeeding Week in light of my history with breastfeeding and the current situation.

My title mentioned other thoughts on not always doing things the way you've always done them.  And it's not just in reference to breastfeeding or formula feeding.  Or cribs, although my perspective has changed from wryly thinking of them as cages of sorts, to a safe place for baby to lie down without falling.

This week, as I began preparing for our upcoming homeschool year, there were some things I wanted to add to our usual school routine.  In telling the kids about it, I overwhelmed them a bit more than I expected (maybe that intensity I mentioned previously, perhaps?). I started looking online at charter schools in our city, and for the rest of that day, we started contemplating not homeschooling. I made myself a pros and cons list and at dinnertime, we talked about it. The kids all kind of liked the idea in some ways, but overall they really preferred to stay at home and do school. And I was okay with either way... if they wanted to go to charter school, I knew it would be weird, but I was okay with it. And I'm still good with homeschooling. I enjoy having the kids around, I love learning new things with them, and although there is a huge commitment on my part, it's really all I know as a mom in relation to school and my kids.

But again, just because it's all we've known doesn't make it the only good way to do things.  Who knows? Maybe one day we will stop homeschooling.  Or we may have a foster placement who is school-aged and will be immediately thrust into the role of public school parent. Which I imagine would be quite amusing, much like the two of us trying to figure out formula brands and all that.

I just think it's good to remember that although sometimes we think we've got things figured out, it may not be for the rest of our lives. It might be for a time in our lives, or for certain circumstances. I think getting older is really cool like that because you realize things you didn't before, and I really think it's true that you never stop learning.  

I do have to admit, feeding a hungry baby while wearing them is harder with a bottle.

But seriously, isn't a break a good thing? I realized recently that I shouldn't be so hard on myself, that I should give myself some grace. I'm a homeschooling mom who recently added a baby to the mix, and I need to cut myself some slack like I'd do for someone else. Right?

So, yeah, this is how I feel sometimes lately. But we're good.

We went to Michigan earlier this year (maybe I'll do a post on that later if I can get all my photos to cooperate), from late April through May 11. Marissa was here shortly before heading up to Alaska for a summer mission with Cru (Campus Crusade for Christ). 

The kids went to camp a month ago and had a blast, like always.

There was a couple of months where the contract for a case aide for parental visits had ended and the new one hadn't started yet. We couldn't stand the thought of hs parents not being able to see him, so we got their contact info and did some visits with them ourselves. It was really good! I think we all feel like we know each other better, and I believe we have a good relationship going. Hopefully when he's back with them, we can still be a part of their lives.

I just decided when we're going to start our new school year. August 15th. That gives me time to do more things this summer and prepare for the school year. 10th, 8th & 7th grades this year. When did our younger three kids get so old??

Well, I guess I've successfully broken the dry spell here on the blog. Yay! That wasn't so painful. More later...

It's been six weeks since we were licensed for foster care, and then little guy came to us.  It's been quite the ride, and I thought it was about time to post some thoughts on the whole thing.


Having a baby in the house again is a lot like riding a bike, you just remember how to do it.  At the same time, though, it is harder because of the fact that he isn't our baby and you just have to do some things differently.  Formula feeding is a lot less convenient than breastfeeding.  Let's just put that out there.  First off, there's the having to have the right kind of formula for the baby (and we've tried four different varieties of Similac in the process), then there's having to have water boiled & bottles sterilized ahead of time,  and then you have to remember to have it all with you if you go out.  I was super spoiled with feeding our kids when we went someplace... all I needed was to be with the baby when they got hungry.  The first time I went out with this guy, I left the measured-out formula in the kitchen at home!

Another thing that's hard is that we can't co-sleep with him.  I know not everybody does that, but it worked really great for our family and since that's what we're used to, it means with this guy we're like brand-new parents.  Craziness. ;)  Some nights have been a little rough but mostly I'm getting used to the interrupted sleep.

Overall, it's pretty great having a newborn in the house.  It's been over seven years since Matt & I realized we were totally open to getting pregnant & having another baby.  We weren't necessarily "trying," but we both thought it would be great and basically left it up to God. 

Seven years later and not getting pregnant, we had gotten pretty used to the idea of having big kids. With no little ones around we were pretty able to just zip out without kids if we wanted to because they can watch themselves. 

But then we started thinking about the huge need out there for foster families, and once we started thinking about it, we couldn't get it out of our heads.  So here we are, fully licensed for foster care, taking care of someone else's baby. It's pretty surreal sometimes when I think about it. 

 

The 25th marked one year since I started my dreads. It's amazing how much can happen in one year. In that year, here are some things that happened for us...