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Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Are you F-ing kidding me??

I was just on Facebook, it's very addictive you know?? This chic I know asked if I could do family pics for her. I went to go comment on her wall and see her comment from yesterday that says, "Dr. appointment went well, we heard the heartbeat and my due date has been moved to Aug. 10th"

OK what the fuck is all I have to say! This woman is the most fertile person in the world. She has 3 other kids (she's 32)and her youngest is just over one. Her husband is only home on the weekend so how the hell does she get knocked up all the time?? Don't get me wrong, she's a great mom but come on...

I know we hear this all the time but I am so sick of people just thinking about getting pregnant and bamm they are!

OK, my rant is over! Thanks for listening, Happy New Year!

Monday, December 29, 2008

Random: Proud of myself

This is totally not TTTC related but I was just playing with new new Photoshop 7 and wanted to show what I did..yeah I know not all that impressive but I'm pretty proud of myself:) I took the picture, made it b/w and then colored in the details.

Baby steps, baby steps

New Nest Name

MJoule is now mbjmaybebaby.

I made the change because I was googling myself and didn't want my name to pop up with TTTC...not that I'm embarrassed of it but being a teacher, that's not what you want your 7th graders to find out about you online.

I now am "pending approval" from the nest so I will probably not be able to post on the nest for 3 days or so...what will I do?? LOL

::EDIT::
I am back to nesting, that was quick!!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

To Fight or not to fight.??

*Warning, this post could be a bit of a downer*

So after we had a little to drink on Christmas Day my mom tells me that my dad thinks that I am not being very realistic about my cancer possibly coming back. For those of you that don't know, I was diagnosed with cancer in my neck in 2006 (2 weeks after my wedding to be exact!). I had the tumor removed and had radiation therapy and everything has been fine. I had a routine PET scan in October and a lymph node showed up on my scan. They weren't too worried about it but wanted to do a biopsy just to make sure. Well, when they did a CT to see exactly where it was they realized they couldn't get to it w/o cracking my chest open (it's behind my lungs next to my aorta). Sooo, I have to have another CT next month to see if it was just my body fighting off an infection or if it has gotten bigger and they will in fact have to go in and remove it and biopsy it.

Anyway, my dad tells my mom this (they aren't married anymore) and my mom says that I am so positive and that I give her strength. Well last night I am thinking about what my dad said and wondering if I have the strength to fight the cancer if it's come back. Oh hell, I know I will but I just feel like I keep getting shit on no matter what I do or how positive I am. Here comes the why me...
I just feel like I had the cancer and then I'm IF, it's not just infertile that I have to do IVF, it's that my freaking eggs SUCK and don't want to do what they're supposed do. How much shit can one person go through and still stay strong??

Thanks for listening to my rant. Don't worry I'm not suicidal or anything, just frustrated!

Saturday, December 27, 2008

It's a family thing

So I finally got the nerve to call my step-sister today knowing now that she wasn't pregnant from her IVF attempt. A little bit of a back story...step-sister and I used to be really close when I was in high school. She lived in MN with my dad and her mom and I was in CO so we saw each other a couple times a year. We went to work in ND for a summer after I graduated and she tried to control me and other things happened and we just haven't been even close to what we used to be.

Anyway, she has always said that she didn't want twins and would even do a selective reduction if they did get pregnant with twins...yeah don't even get me started on that! We talked today and she did an IVF cycle while I was having all my surgery stuff and it didn't work. I told her about wheatgrass and DHEA and even sent her a couple links to read up on some things. I don't know if this will bring us closer but I now feel like it's a race to get pregnant before the other one. She will probably be doing another cycle right around the time I will. I want to be supportive and I think I can be but can that support stay if she gets pregnant and I don't?? I'm not so sure. And then there's the whole twin thing...WOW!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Merry Christmas (a day late)

So the holidays weren't as bad as I thought they might be. Besides sitting through a Catholic mass with TONS of kids and babies, it was pretty good. I got some great presents and today I went out shopping and bought some cute Christmas stuff for next year. I always love opening my holiday boxes the following year because I don't remember what I bought and it's so exciting to see the new things to decorate with.

On another note, we were going to put an offer on a house today and it's already under contract...dang it. This is now the 3rd house that this has happened with. I know we will find the "perfect" house but I am getting tired of looking.

I have a job interview on the 6th of January and the more I think about it, the more I want out of my current teaching position and will probably take it if it's offered to me. It's in a different district but that's OK, I need a new start.

I am feeling better every day but still have some major pain at the incision but that is to be expected I guess. Right now I just need a nap.

Well, that's all for now, not really IF based post today but I think that's good:)
Hope you all had a Merry Christmas.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Much Better

First I want to say that it is so nice to know that other people are going through the same crap as I am. Andrea, you're the best!

For those of you that read my entry from last night you can see that I was pretty mad. DH and I had a long talk last night about how it wasn't fair that he blamed me. He apologized and I know that he's just as frustrated with IF as I am. He's to the point where he doesn't want to hear about anyone else being pregnant...I don't blame him but it makes me sad that he's gotten to that point.

We are going forward with our holiday plans and are going to enjoy ourselves and being with our families. We are going to be DRINKING during the holidays as well:)

CHEERS!!

Saturday, December 20, 2008

It's all my fault

**Warning, Bitch Fest Posting**

Sometimes I can't stand my DH! Today he got on one of his rampages that this IF is all my fault. Yes, I don't have tubes because they had to be taken out due to massive scar tissue, but POF isn't controllable. He knows this too, he's just being a shit.

It all started when we were out looking at houses. We were talking about the location of one house and how it was right across the street from a park. After we left the house he said, "It doesn't matter that it's by a park, we won't have kids anyway!" I told him that I needed him to be supportive and positive about this next IVF. He said that he was tired of being positive. I know he's just in a mood and is tired of hearing that everyone else and their dog is pregnant but Jesus Christ I don't need this shit right now.

I know this will all blow over, but once again IF isn't freaking fair and now it's got DH all pissed off too.

Happy Freaking Holidays!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

New Protocol in hands!!

My IVF nurse faxed me my next protocol and I am so excited. SO many things are happening right now that I know March will be right around the corner. We are now shooting for an ER in March since they will wait to start me on any estrogen until they know the results of my CT scan to look at the nodule in my chest.

I got a coupe phone calls after my surgery asking me to come in and interview for counseling jobs. The jobs would start in January so I would have to leave the kiddos I have right now mid-year but I think I am OK with that. I have wanted out of this school for so long that any way I can get out it worth it. So I have an interview on January 6th to be an academic counselor at a middle school in the Denver area..pretty exciting.

Back to my protocol, as of my January AF I will call the RE and then start doing OPK's to detect my LH surge. Once I get my surge, I will call and they will start me on estrogen pills. I will take estrogen pills and then start taking Clomid (never heard of this before but whatever). Then I will start heavy stims and hopefully get to an ER in mid-march!

I am so excited to try this again with someone who has experience (and success) with this protocol. Now just pray that all is well on the CT in January!

Caring Bridge Password Protected

I have had students of mine access my caringbridge site...not that it says anything bad, but I don't want them having that info. Sooo, if you would like to continue to follow my cancer blog, please email me at elephantmeg@juno.com and I will email you the password.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Home, but not 100%

I had the hardware in my neck taken out on Friday and planned to stay about one night in the hospital until ,my pain was under control. Well I ended up staying 3 nights/4 days because I was so sick and couldn't stop throwing up. I was hallucinating too...crazy stuff. I am home now and just taking it easy. I am still really sore but not hallucinating anymore and can keep my pain managed. I look & feel really puffy in my face and neck but I guess that's to be expected.

I have an anti-nausea patch behind me left ear and I'm scared to take it off because I think I'll start puking again. The patch is giving my blurred vision so reading anything is pretty out of the question...so much for finishing my book.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Tomorrow's the day

Tomorrow is the big surgery to get all the hardware taken out of my neck. I doubt I'll be updating this blog but my DH will be updating my caringbridge site if you're interested in seeing how the surgery went. Feel free to visit if you'd like.



Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

And so the search continues.

We didn't get the house we put a bid on last week, which we pretty much knew, but it doesn't make it any better. We don't know what it finally went for but we'll be able to find out soon enough when it closes. We keep looking at other houses but have seen pretty much everything in our area that fits our qualifications so now we just wait for new things to go on the market. We are going to look at 4 houses tomorrow (one of them is brand new!) and then we'll probably take a break until after the new year because of my surgery.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Finally saw Twilight movie


I finally went to see the Twilight movie this morning...it was pretty good but nothing compared to how good the book is. I don't think they left off where the book does either. DH thought it was pretty good and wanted to know what happened in the other books. It's making me want to finish book 4..no spoilers please.

We also saw Four Christmases (yeah we went to two for the price of one). It was pretty good, kept us laughing that's for sure, but again it all comes back to a baby. Oh well. I am focusing on my surgery this coming week and then I can focus on baby making.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

New IVF nurse= hope

I talked to the new IVF nurse at my clinic today (the other one left and I'm not sure why). She is so awesome and when i told her that I was doing EPP and that nobody at this clinic has done it before she said that the clinic she worked at in San Diego did EPP all the time with high success rates with cases like mine. She said that she looked at my protocol that my RE found and said that they have a better one at her old clinic. She's calling her clinic and getting the successful protocol sent over and then getting it approved by my RE.

I start estrogen pills in January for an ER in February!!! I am so excited that I have a plan and someone at my clinic who's done this protocol before. FINALLY something is going right...now let's just get me to an ER and I'll be on top of the world.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

House Hunting...Nursery??

As we're house hunting I can't help but look at the bedrooms and think to myself, "Oh, this would be a perfect nursery." I know it's terrible to do that to myself but I can't help it.

We did put an offer on a house the other day but are pretty sure we won't get it. It's a lender owned property and we bid a thousand less than the asking price because there were other offers on the table as well. I was talking to another lady who happens to be a realtor that deals with lender owns a lot and she said that we probably won't get it if we didn't bid more than they were asking...we didn't even know we could do that!!

Oh well if it's meant to be we'll get it, in the mean time we keep looking and I keep eying nurseries;)

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Do you believe in signs?

So last April before we did IVF #1 I had to go into a bank and do some things for our credit card. I got talking to the girl as to why I needed loans (pay for IVF) and she told me that she was 5 weeks pregnant with twins from donor eggs. I talked with her for awhile about IVF etc. I left there and thought about her a couple times but nothing really again until I was told that we might have to use DE, now I feel like there was a reason why I met this woman and am tempted to email her ( I have her business card).

Today on the plane ride home the woman sitting next to me was reading the book The Adoption Choice which was all about adopting a child. I just feel like I am getting signs from everywhere telling me that I am not going to be able to have a child that is biologically mine. Of course we're still going to try the next IVF in early 2009 but isn't that weird?

I guess you see different things depending on where you are in your life but it's just odd.

Glad to be back home and able to sleep in my own bed tonight. DH and I are off to see a house tomorrow and to hopefully see Twilight!!!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving...I'm not bitter

As I sit here after our wonderful Thanksgiving dinner I am pondering the things that I am thankful for in my life. Of course, I would not be as strong as I am right now without my amazing family and DH.

I do sit here on days like today and tend to have more of a pity party than normal. There are lots of things that I am NOT grateful for. I am not happy that I have to deal with all the shit that life seems to throw my way. I have now dealt with cancer and IF. It was one things to be infertile and have to do IVF, I was fine with that. But now, I am dealing with the possibility that I cannot have my own biological child and may have to use donor eggs. I know that a child through donor eggs would "technically" be my own but I am really having issues with this lately. Why does God do this to people? How is this fair to anyone to be IF?

OK, I digress...thanks you for listening to me vent and it really does help knowing that you've all been there at one time or another and that we are allowed to have pity parties once in awhile.

I'm going to go have another drink;)

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Supposed to be a baby free day

I was definite that today would be a baby free day but oh I couldn't be so lucky! This morning I went to take some family pictures for a co-worker of mine. I did pics of her and her sisters and brother and their spouses and kids. As we're walking to the spot to take pics I am told that her sister is expecting. WOW, that's freaking fabulous since they got married AFTER we did! I really think that everyone around me who wants to get pregnant does and it's just not fair.

Then we went to the Bronco game and as we're sitting on the party bus drinking beer some random guy brings out birth announcements for his new baby girl and then everyone starts talking about what their baby weighed when it was born etc.

THEN...we're out at half time talking with friends and some guy says that my DH will make an amazing father. I f-ing know that and I will be a great mom too but we can't get there!

THEN...I get a text message from a friend that her sister had her baby and there was a picture of the baby!

So much for a baby free day huh??

Friday, November 21, 2008

Flex Spending Account

I signed up today for the flex spending account through my work. If you're not familiar with flex spending you can choose the amount of money you want to have taken out of your check (pre-tax) and then it's spread over a 12 month period where you can use the money at any time. The most you can do is $2500 but it's use it or lose it so I was a bit scared to do the full amount. My grandparents said they would give us $1000 for our next IVF so I don't think we'll need that much for meds. I can also use it for acupuncture for the cycle as well. Overall I think it's a great deal. I only did $1000 just in case...I'll use $500 alone if I deliver a baby. WOW, that's the first time I've thought of that in a long time. It makes me smile to think that in 2009 I could have a baby (or two). OK, Meghan relax, you have yet to make it to an ER. You have to stay positive right?

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Pickles usually mean something...

So today I was at work and was eating a dill pickle with my sandwich and this lady, who knows we've done IVF, says, "eating pickles usually is a sign of something...". I turned to her and said, "Umm no!" But wanted to say, thanks for reminding me that I'm f-ing infertile! I know she didn't mean anything by it but come on.

Speaking of being pregnant, my friend told me today that she's having a boy-her little girl is just over 1. I'm very happy for her but to hear that she's having a boy after she already has a girl is hard to hear. I've always said I wanted a boy and a girl-at this point I'm not really sure I'll have either:(

DH and I are off to Oregon on Monday morning so that will be a fun time, although it's supposed to rain the whole time we're there!

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Home Again, Home Again

My mom and I got back from Mexico tonight. We really did have a great time! There are many things we will never forget from this trip and I'm so glad I went. I came back and got on the computer to check emails. My personal email had 74 messages (mostly junk) and my work email was out of control! I think I'm finally caught up with all of them.

While I was gone I got a phone call from my IVF nurse...the one I just love... and she said she wanted to get my protocol all set up since she was leaving the practice in a few weeks. I'm so sad to hear this news. I have called and left a message for her saying that I was sad that she was leaving and that we wouldn't be doing a cycle in January like we previously discussed. We now have to wait until February for the clean CT scan.

I'm back to work for two weeks and then DH and I are off to Oregon for Thanksgiving with his family. I am really looking forward to it. I missed him a lot while I was gone;)

Here are some pics from the trip...





Saturday, November 1, 2008

Off to Mexico

I am so excited that my trip to Cozumel with my mom is finally here. We leave tomorrow morning and will get back next Saturday. DH and I are going out to dinner tonight and then watching a movie since I won't get a chance to see him in the next week.

Last night for Halloween was pretty uneventful. We went to a friends' house and played Rock Band II until about 2 am. I was a rock star singer:)

I'll update pics when I get back...

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Holidays will be here soon

This month alone is going to be crazy. Sunday I am off to Mexico with my mom, when we get back I teach for one week and then am off to Oregon with my DH to see his family and come back at the very end of November. Next thing I know it will be Christmas and then I can take care of this stupid lymph node in my chest and be on my way with EPP for IVF #3.

I am a little worried now that I have gotten my body back on track and that the EPP may not be necessary but I guess that's something I will need to talk to my RE about. They seem to be so willing to do whatever I want right now it's kind of creeping me out.

DH is finally done with football this week so I will actually get him back to myself, only to have me leave for a week...I so need the vaca though. Counting down the days. I just wish the weather here wouldn't be nice so it would be even better to be away. As chance would have it it's supposed to be low 70's...that never happens in Colorado.

This is the first time in 8 years we haven't had snow for Halloween.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Thank you FinallyReilly

A girl from my nest board I have been following got a BFN the other day after doing EPP. I was so bummed for her because I had such hopes for the estrogen priming protocol. She was so sweet and paged me on the board today and said that she doesn't want me to get discouraged by her BFN and that her RE said that she did better on this cycle with the DHEA and EPP. Thank you for the encouragement, I really needed it.

I have really been thinking lately about what if this doesn't happen for us? I am not one to be negative about all this stuff but hearing about all the pregnant women out there right now I really do wonder. This will most likely be our last IVF with my eggs. We then will have to make the decision as to whether to proceed with donor eggs or adopt. We don't really talk about it much because it's a sensitive subject.

I keep reminding myself that God has a plan for me. Maybe he wants me to wait to have my other CT scan in January so I can be on the DHEA for a a full 4 months and have the optimal effect.

I've been grading papers all night and need to get to bed. I'm off to Mexico on Sunday with my mom and need to get all the grades done and entered prior to leaving so I've been killing myself getting them all done.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Infertility Myths and Facts
from www.resolve.org

Myth: Infertility is a women's problem.

Fact: This is untrue. It surprises most people to learn that infertility is a female problem in 35% of the cases, a male problem in 35% of the cases, a combined problem of the couple in 20% of cases, and unexplained in 10% of cases. It is essential that both the man and the woman be evaluated during an infertility work-up.

Myth: Everyone seems to get pregnant at the drop of a hat.

Fact: More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. When you seek support, you will find that you are not alone. Join RESOLVE, a support group, or talk with others who are struggling to build a family, so that you won't feel isolated.

Myth: It's all in your head! Why don't you relax or take a vacation. Then you'll get pregnant!

Fact: Infertility is a disease or condition of the reproductive system. While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it. Improved medical techniques have made it easier to diagnose infertility problems.

Myth: Don't worry so much -- it just takes time. You'll get pregnant if you're just patient.

Fact: Infertility is a medical problem that may be treated. At least 50% of those who complete an infertility evaluation will respond to treatment with a successful pregnancy. Some infertility problems respond with higher or lower success rates. Those who do not seek help have a "spontaneous cure rate" of about 5% after a year of infertility.

Myth: If you adopt a baby you'll get pregnant!

Fact: This is one of the most painful myths for couples to hear. First it suggests that adoption is only a means to an end, not an happy and successful end in itself. Second, it is simply not true. Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt.

Myth: Why don't you just forget it and adopt? After all, there are so many babies out there who need homes!

Fact: For many, adoption is a happy resolution to infertility. However, most people explore medical treatment for infertility prior to considering adoption. In addition, traditional adoption options have changed, and adoption can be more costly and time-consuming than expected. It is, however, still possible to adopt the healthy baby of your dreams. There are also many older children and children with special needs available for adoption.

Myth: Maybe you two are doing something wrong!

Fact: Infertility is a medical condition, not a sexual disorder.

Myth: My partner might leave me because of our infertility.

Fact: The majority of couples do survive the infertility crisis, learning in the process new ways of relating to each other, which deepens their relationship in years to follow.

Myth: Perhaps this is God's way of telling you that you two aren't meant to be parents!

Fact: It is particularly difficult to hear this when you are struggling with infertility. You know what loving parents you would be, and it is painful to have to explain to others that you have a medical problem.

Myth: Infertility is nature's way of controlling population.

Fact: Zero population growth is a goal pursued in a time of world overpopulation, but it still allows for couples to replace themselves with two children. Individuals or couples can certainly elect the option to be childfree or to raise a single child. Infertility, for those who desire children, denies them the opportunity to choose.

Myth: I shouldn't take a month off from infertility treatment for any reason... I just know that this next month will be THE one!

Fact: It is important periodically to reassess your treatment and your parenting goal. Continuity in treatment is important, but sometimes a break can provide needed rest and renewal for the next steps.

Myth: I'll be labeled a 'trouble maker' if I ask too many questions.

Fact: The physician/patient team is important. You need to be informed about what treatments are available. What is right for one couple may not be right for another, either physically, financially, or emotionally. Don't be afraid to ask questions of your doctor.

A second opinion can be helpful. If needed, discuss this option with your physician.

Myth: I know I'll never be able to stop treatment until I have a pregnancy.

Fact: Pregnancy is not the only pathway to parenthood. You may begin to think more about parenthood than about pregnancy. You may long for your life to get back to normal. You may consider childfree living or begin to think of other ways to build a family.

Myth: I've lost interest in my job, hobbies, and my friends because of infertility. No one understands! My life will never be the same!

Fact: Infertility is a life crisis -- it has a rippling effect on all areas of your life. It is normal to feel a sense of failure that can affect your self-esteem and self-image. You will move through this crisis. It is a process, and it may mean letting go of initial dreams. Throughout this process, stay informed about the wide range of options and connect with others facing similar experiences.

1st timer


OK so everyone on my nest board seems to have a blog. I often go to people's blogs to get an update on them so I thought, what the heck, I'll start a blog too. I don't want many to know about it because I don't want kids to find it from school. They are pretty crafty though so we'll see.