Wishing & Hoping & Thinking & Praying & Planning & Dreaming

Hope you all had a great Christmas!!

I think I have finally gotten the $400 bill from the RE's office taken care of but not until I made LOTS of phone calls. I keep all my receipts for everything medical, mainly to write them off for taxes, but a note to everyone out there...SAVE ALL YOUR MEDICAL RECEIPTS and fight anything you aren't sure of. I would've paid $400 that I didn't owe if I hadn't checked into it.

On January 8th I will be having another surgery to remove the latest tumor in my chest. This one is pretty scary. It appears to be attached to aorta and they won't know how serious the surgery will need to be until they get in there. Good thing is that I changed health insurance companies so I don't have to fight with K.aiser to go to the best doctors, they are now covered. The tumor seems to be dead from the chemo but there's again no way to be sure until they take it out.

In other news, my good friend just told me she was pregnant today. She is 12 weeks and her and her DH were separated less than a year ago...it was a "we weren't NOT trying" baby but they are happy to be pregnant. I am OK with it and knew it was coming but uggh.

Monday my DH and I are headed to San Fransisco for a much deserved and anticipated vacation...we're SOOOOO excited!

It has been six months.
I knew there was a chance but all the Dr's said it wasn't likely.

In case you haven't guessed, AF showed up this morning. Let me just say that shocked is not an adequate description of how I was feeling when I saw that. Because of the chemo, I have not had a period since June. I would say that is one of the biggest pluses of chemo. My oncologist and everything online said that if you stop menstruating it's not very likely to come back. They did say that I was young so it was more likely with me. I honestly didn't think it would happen though because my reproductive system sucks as it is. Guess I am one of the lucky ones:)

In other news, my hair is growing back quickly and I think pretty soon I won't need to wear a hat or scarf anymore.

Our trip to San Fransisco is coming up soon and I couldn't be more excited. It will be me and my DH for 5 days in San Fran over the Christmas holiday...YAY!!

Here are a few things I am thankful for this Thanksgiving.
1. My DH
2. My family & friends
3. health insurance (even though they don't pay for shit re: IF)
4. the amazing people I have met on this IF journey
5. My life...an amazing thing when you're dealing with a 3rd recurrence of cancer.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING, may you and yours thoroughly enjoy the holiday.

I decided it would be cool to do one of those cluster maps (located on the right of the page). I saw it on Fran's blog and thought, what the heck. Let me just say that I am amazed that I have that many people from all over the world that follow, or at least check in on, my blog. If you don't have this, I highly suggest doing it as you would be amazed. Here I thought I was just writing down me feelings and maybe 15-20 people checked in on me. Thanks to whoever you are out there even if you're just a lurker, it really means a lot.

Why is it that people who don't want kids get pregnant?

Why is it that a woman who sells her five y/o daughter to be a sex slave is now pregnant with another baby?

Why is it that a couple we know who has severe money issues, is pregnant again?

There are so many other why's...

As my DH just said, "Poor doesn't stop sperm," and I said, "Money doesn't make babies either." We've learned all too well both of these.

I got a bill from my RE's office that said I owed $400 for services from 2008. I am pissed. They said that all the money we paid for our package deal in 2008 would transfer over to our ER that we finally did in June. We had never made it to an ER before so I still had that money left in our account. I called the billing office and tried to explain the situation but someone who hasn't done all the IVF "stuff" doesn't really understand. She said she would look into it and get back to me...still have yet to hear anything.

Who would've thought that this shitty voyage we're all on called infertility could lead to such great friendships? I was so honored the other day when I got an invite to Bella's baby shower. We have gotten to know each other through the nest, then via text messages and phone calls over the last year or so. When I was going through all my latest IF stuff and now more cancer stuff, she's always there whether on my cancer blog, this one, FB, or through text messaging letting me know she's there for me. I am looking into flights to go to the shower but might have to go out after the babies are born due to my pending upcoming surgery. I've never even met her in real life but have no qualms about booking a flight to see her!

I also enjoy chatting with others that I've met through the blog world on FB-you know who you are ladies.

It means so much to have a support system of people I've never even met. You mean the world to me.


Thanks!!

I had a CT scan this morning right before my appointment with the thoracic surgeon. The CT was very easy. The great news is that there is not any fluid in my chest right now. Bad news, the tumor is bigger than we thought. With the fluid gone we can now see the entire tumor and it's a bit longer than we saw before. It is several inches long but not very wide.

When I spoke to the surgeon he said that he feels that with my age (young;) we should be as aggressive as possible and go in and take it out. With that being said, the surgery is tentatively scheduled for December 28th. He said the earliest we could do the surgery was the beginning of December so I asked if we could wait until after Christmas so DH and I could still got to San Francisco. He said that was completely fine. He did say, no partying for me on New Year's Eve this year though:) He does think that this tumor is attached to my aorta and it's going to be very similar to my last surgery that he won't know what he will have to do until he gets in there. I asked what an open surgery entails and if it really means the breaking of ribs, he said no. They go in and cut the muscle in between the ribs but he said it's still very painful.

The thoracic surgeon did say that he has another patient with sy.no.vial cell sa.rc.oma who has lung nodules that he's been removing for 10 years now. She has nodules right now but they aren't growing so he's just letting them be and she's doing great. That is probably one of the most encouraging pieces of information that I've gotten in a long time.

I think that's all to report for today, I was able to get my flu shot while I was there so that's good.

Just a quick update on me....
We made it to Wicked...awesome show!

I have a doctor appointment tomorrow morning to talk with a thoracic surgeon about possibly having another surgery to remove this tumor. I started radiation but had fluid build up around the tumor site so they couldn't be 100% accurate with the radiation. I had a chest tub inserted to drain the fluid but it was bumping up against my nerve so it hurt like hell.

I am done with all this cancer shit.

I love seeing so many that I *know* in the cyber world getting pregnant but it's still so hard to know that I won't be there any time soon (if ever). DH and I have been talking about possibly not having kids-I don't think either one of us are serious though. I have had 2 good friends offer to be surrogates for me. I don't know if I could do that though.

I'll update when I have more of a plan with what to do with this tumor in my chest.

Thanks for checking in.

Just a quick update on me. I started radiation and after two treatments they saw a lot of fluid near my lungs and they didn't want to treat anymore until it was drained. I had the fluid removed Thursday and also had a catheter put into my chest to continue to drain the fluid throughout radiation. Holy shit is all I can say. This is probably the most painful surgery I've ever had and I can't even count how many I've had. The pain meds aren't even toughing the pain which is frustrating in itself. I thought I could go back to work on Friday but I must have been smoking crack to think that. I don't even know if I will go Monday. DH and I have tickets to see Wicked tomorrow night and I am determined to go, even if I am uncomfortable.

78.9 is my current FSH!!!
Holy shit!
That really puts things into perspective.
Four months ago it was 7!
Can you say chemo induced menopause?

Still having terrible hot flashes.
I'm one treatment in for my 10 treatments of radiation and it's absolutely terrible this time around. It's just 10 treatments though and I can and will get through it.

I start my third round of radiation on MOnday. Well, I go in for my dry run on MOnday and they might do my first treatment then. I am doing much better since my last entry. I am back at work full time and my students make me smile every day. I will do five treatments of radiation, each lasting about 45 minutes. In the past I've had to do 33 treatments so I'll take five even if they are a little longer than before.

Thank you for all your words of encouragement.

I'm done with chemo but for the last few days I've just felt like shit. I am so beaten down by this cancer and everything that comes with it. My oncologist and radiation oncologist have both said that it's only a matter of time until another tumor shows up. So then tell me, what the fuck was the point of going through shitty chemo and now another round of radiation (this will make #3). I almost feel embarrassed to go into the radiation treatment room because I am back once again. I'm really considering not doing treatment when it comes back again. I just can't do this for the rest of my life. Oh course this scares my DH that I've given up. Maybe it's just a phase but I'm so tired. All I've been since I was diagnosed 3 years ago is positive and WTF has it gotten me?

I'm not suicidal, don't worry, just tired and overwhelmed.

Thanks for listening...I can't exactly post this sort of a rant on my cancer blog...people would freak.

Remember me saying how I was excited that I wasn't going to have a period for awhile while I was on chemo?? I take it back, I take it all back. The hot flashes I'm having are ridiculous. I'll take AF back with open arms, just make these stop! Sleeping is a nightmare.

A little update on me since some of you were asking-
I finished round 5 of chemo last week...yeah, that was supposed to be it. Well, at my weekly oncology appointment my doctor talked about possibly doing a 6th round. Ugg, I was so excited to be done. I understand that he wants to get the most bang for our buck but why do that to a girl? I just want to be done and have my hair start growing back (although I haven't shaved in 3 months). So with one of the drugs there is a lifetime max that your body can handle before you are at a severe increased risk of congestive heart failure. That amount is 450 units and after my last treatment I am at 360 units. If I did one more round I would be at 430 units. I had a heart scan on Tuesday to see how my heart muscles are doing and I have a PET scan Tuesday. After the doc has had a chance to look at both of those he'll decide if I will do another round, starting the 28th. It's a toss up...yes, I want it all gone and want to do everything but I'm so sick of this shit and want to get back to work (yes, I said it) and to life.

I'll let you know what's decided but I have a feeling I'll be doing another round.

::Holy hot flash::

Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary! I think of how much we've been through in the past 3 years and it seems like so much longer!

I am in my germ week so I am sequestered to the house and let me tell you, I am so freaking bored!!

I thought I would update you on what's going on with the developing stories in my life. As you're all curious to know I'm sure...my step-sister!!! Well turns out she really was pregnant with twins but she ended up losing one of them a few weeks back. I heard this from my dad. I feel terrible that she lost a baby but to be honest, I think that it's best for her to just have one at a time (her own words). The one she has is thriving and growing right on track.

In other news, we finally got a second car. My DH sold his Blazer last October because, well, it was a piece of shit. We've been going with just my Civic for almost a year now and doing OK. DH is a HS football coach and we knew that we just couldn't do it anymore once FB season started, and alas, it is here. Yesterday we bought a 2005 Hyundai Santa Fe. I love it and am so excited that DH and I don't have to plan around who gets to use the car anymore.

I think that sums up my life in a nutshell at this time.

My prayers go out to Brooke & Joe after the loss of their sweet Annaleigh.

So the PET scan results are in...THE CHEMO IS WORKING!!

* There are no new tumors
* The original tumor is not as active, AKA, the cancer cells are dying!!!!
* The tumor might start to shrink now but he's not worried about that as it could change to scar tissue.
* After this round, I have one more!!

We plan to do another PET scan a few weeks after I finish my treatment for good. We will go from there and see what that scan shows and then decide if we want to remove the mass with surgery.

I couldn't ask for anything better. Your thoughts and prayers are working, keep them coming.

I figure if I can't vent here, where can I?
So here it goes...

My step-sister, and if you read my blog I've mentioned her before, is pregnant after IVF #2. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for her. However, she told me (not that long ago) that if they had twins she would abort one...NOT KIDDING! So now here they are at IVF #2 and guess what my SIL (who's pg with an oops baby) just told me? That's right, step-sister supposedly had an u/s today that showed two sacs. Now, step-sister emailed me on Saturday and said she wasn't having an u/s for two weeks so I'm not sure where the truth is in all this.

Are you following so far? OK, good.

Anyway, supposedly they are OK with twins now but it makes me so angry/hurt/frustrated that someone who would even say such a thing should have the opportunity to have twins. I know a few posts ago I said I was OK with my IF but maybe this is showing that I'm not, I don't know. I feel better after the vent but I'm sure those feelings will go away when I start hearing about the first grand babies etc...PUKE!!! I will feel terrible if anything happens to her now but ugg, I'm just so uggh.

Thanks for listening. I'll keep you updated on the drama.

With this award I have to name 7 things I love and 7 blogs I pass along this award to, so here goes:

Kreativ Bloggers: Bella, Kim, Tarah, Kate, Lanie, Andrea, Smilee

7 things I love: DH, my cat, my dog, my family, mac-n-cheese, white wine, and HGTV.

And a partridge in a pear tree.
No, just kidding but for those who don't know, I had to be admitted to the hospital again on Thursday night because I got a bad fever and in chemo land that is nothing to mess around with. So I go to the ER and when I finally get a bed in the chemo ward, both my day nurse and my night nurse were both pregnant! It was weird though, I was chatting with them about their pregnancy and how it was going and was fine. I didn't even think about my IF. I'm to the point where I know I can't have a baby right now and I'm fine with it. Besides, I absolutely loved my nurses so that made it easier:) Still no AF so I don't think she's coming this month..YAHOO!

How said is it that I have to come look at my blog to see when my last AF was? That's exactly what I had to do today:) Looks like June 21st so either she'll come soon or maybe she won't. One of the s/e of chemo is that I may go into menopause for months or possible even years. My thought on that is HELL YEAH, if I have to go through this shit at least give me some sort of bonus. Another bonus...weight loss. I've lost over 12 lbs since I started chemo...I figure if I keep this rate up, I will lose about 30 lbs when it's all said and done, and I eat whatever I want...gotta love it. Nothing like chemo to get off some stubborn weight:)

Hey, I've got to look at the positives:)

My mom is so awesome and threw me a chemo shower on Sunday where there was tons of food and people brought me presents...who doesn't love presents? I got so many scarves and hats ass well as things to keep me occupied during chemo session #2. The best gift I go was a punching bag from my mom and step-dad.

I can't type much because I'm really tired but here's a pic of the punching bag!

I am officially bald. I shaved my head last night because I couldn't deal with how much hair was falling out. It was so hard but I'm OK with it now and think I look ok without hair:)

So here's a couple pics of the event.





there are tears under those eyes


ignore the hair all over me


FINAL PRODUCT

My hair has officially started to fall out. Even though I expected it it's still hard to see clumps of hair in my hand when I take a shower. I'm ready for it and have my wig all ready to go and some cute ass hats waiting.

Still in the hospital and probably will be until Sunday or Monday. My white blood cells are going up though, slowly but surely, "stop calling me Shirley"-LOL. Thanks for the thoughts and prayers.

For those that don't follow my cancer blog, I've been in the hospital since Wednesday night with a fever. When you do chemotherapy your white blood cells drop to near nothing so you can't fight off infection so any fever over 100.4 degrees is a must to the ER. My fever was 102.5 on Wednesday so we went to the ER. Until my white blood cells go back up, I'm here at the hospital. I feel OK and my fever is down but I'm just too susceptible to infection for them to let me go home.

Doubling beta prayers go out to Bella when she goes in for her 2nd beta tomorrow morning.

So today is Father's Day, as all of us infertiles know. And today, I am really at peace with my infertility. I asked DH if he felt better about our IF now that we had babies on ice and he said he did, which is so nice to hear. This has been something we've been struggling with for over two years now. At times he blamed me, it is my tubes and eggs that suck, but that still doesn't make it easier. We have banded together to make a very solid couple that I am now proud of. Yes, we still have our issues but with all the shit we've been through in our 3 short years of marriage or our 5 years of being together, we've made it and we're stronger because of it.

Today is also the first day of summer. I love summer. Even though all the shit I have to go through this year really does suck, I do love this time if year. My birthday is at the end of July, as well as DH's bday and we enjoy celebrating it together. I realized the other day that I will be getting chemo on my birthday this year...not fun but I truly am blessed to be here on this earth.

On another note, I got AF today and man is she pissed. All these fertility drugs have whomped on my system and it's not pretty (sorry if TMI).

Hope you enjoyed your weekend with your DH.

On Friday my friend was induced with her baby boy.
Here are some pics of before and after the baby was born. Click on the pics to make them bigger.

Congrats Carri & Evan

I come on here often to check how everyone is doing but don't really have much to say about IF right now. If you're interested in following my cancer blog, please email me at elephantmeg@juno.com and I'll send you the link. I update my cancer blog pretty frequently as to what's happening with my treatments etc.

Know that I'm thinking of you all often and check on you regularly.

Apprantly a man in Florida tried to sell or trade his 6 month old baby on craigs.list. Umm, I'll take it:) But seriously, who does that? Once again, life is not fair and some people should not have children.

I'm off to drink myself into a stupor before starting chemo on Monday...
Have a good one.