Once you’ve done it, it’s smooth (ish) sailing. A general formula, applicable to most setups. But everyone has to have their first “first day”. Some of these things will seem obvious, others less so, but here are some of the top tips and lessons I’ve learnt since moving to the big smoke, including the existence of the phrase “big smoke”, for my first job that didn’t involve waiting tables or wearing a name badge.

Interviews

1. When you’re first applying for jobs, you’re probably going to send more applications than you get responses. Keep a note of all the places you apply with little reminders of what they do and what you’ve told them you can do, in case they cold call you. I applied for a company that had changed names since I first applied, so couldn’t find the advertisement or even company name online. I had to work out what the job was at the interview. I do not recommend this.
   
2. Interviews are really good news – do you know how many people don’t make it that far? A lot of CVs get chucked out without even being opened. So take that in your stride and use it to remind yourself that the company believes you’re a potential candidate for the role. Don’t diminish your accomplishments. I often find myself knocking myself down for fear of sounding big-headed, which is completely ridiculous. Consider yourself a salesperson for yourself. Erase “I just did the…” and “It was only…” from your vocabulary.
3. Interviews are aimed at getting to know you. While your accomplishments are important, forcing them into the conversation is not what they’re looking for. The correct answer to “What do you do for fun?” is not, “Fun? I don’t do fun, I do spreadsheets” or “I’m only having fun when I’m using my weakness of being too organised to improve myself and the people around me”. Similarly, if you make sculptures with your toenails and neck so many Jägerbombs that you pass out wearing your shoes and handbag for fun, maybe just say watching movies. These are not trick questions – they just want to know you have a life and a personality that will match the environment.
4. Arrive early, but not so early that it stresses them out because they haven’t even set up the room yet – 15 minutes will do and if you’re earlier, find a coffee shop nearby.
5. Rather be overdressed than underdressed. Dress formally, even if they say you don’t need to. Also, in general, I find it easier to talk about how very wonderful and professional I am when donning a snazzy blazer or with a collar poking out of my cardigan (HOT TIP: you don’t have to iron anything but the collar if you keep the cardy on).

First Day

1. Dress better than you think is necessary for at least two days to gauge what other people are wearing. This ensures that the first day wasn’t some kind of once-off casual day where they let everyone wear comfortable shoes in the name of charity.
2. Ask as many people their name as early as possible, or else it reaches a point where you see someone so often that it’s too embarrassing to ask.
3. Locate the closest park – offices, even the nice ones, are stuffy. BREATHE NICE AIR. It helps with everything.

Small Talk

Office small talk is a minefield. You’re often one passing comment away from ruining someone’s morning. To make things as easy as possible, I’ve selected things I deem most inappropriate to discuss in the workplace:

1.        “You’re from Johannesburg? Isn’t it horrible and dangerous?”

Unless you’ve got sources that extend from Eurocentric media and an anecdote someone told you about this one time someone they know had a neighbour who went on holiday, please don’t speculate on where someone comes from unless it’s about the beautiful scenery and how much you want to visit. Firstly, it’s not their job to educate you on the nuances of the socio-political climate of their home while they’re making a cup of coffee. Secondly, it’s their home. I’m not sure you’d like it if someone identified your home as the place with the ugly sofa or broken fridge.

This said, if you’re actually interested in learning about somewhere, that’s amazing and learning from a local is the best way to do it. Just don’t expect to get that from broad, offensive statements and don’t try strongarming someone into the discussion at casual office drinks. If you can’t decide whether the timing is right, ask yourself whether you’d say, ‘So what are your views on Brexit?’ in that same situation.  

2.       ‘Ew’

Don’t be mean about people’s lunch. This might seem unnecessary but clearly not everyone learned this on the playground over a juice box and peanut butter sandwich. Chatting about what someone is eating is only acceptable when it’s positive, and even then within limits. ‘Woah. How can you eat that much?’ and ‘Ew’ are strictly prohibited reactions.

That said, try to avoid microwaving fish, if possible.

3.        Don’t give TMI

Asking someone what they did, what they’re going to do, or how their weekend was is perfect office small talk. It gives them the opportunity to pick the bits they want to talk about and can generally lead to free-flowing conversation, rather than commenting on the weather which can only be responded to with “haha yeah”. However, make sure when you’re on the receiving end, you give a suitable, PG response. Nobody wants to know details about Eric from Accounting’s sex dungeon.

4.       SPOILERS

Do not talk about any series, movies or books without checking whether people have seen or read it first. I don’t think this needs a long explanation. It’s just rude. It’s not a competition. Let people enjoy things.

Take the stairs rather than the lift (within reason), because if there’s one thing worse than office-small-talk it’s lift-small-talk. Don’t comment when people are scowling at their computer or tell them to lighten up. Do stretches at your desk (I’m particularly fond of the backward praying position to deal with my slow and steady transformation into a turtle). Make tea regularly. Keep snacks in your desk (though, I’d advise they be portioned otherwise you will eat the entire packet of family-sized Doritos with a side order of a tub of biscuits). Make physical notes, so you don’t forget how to write. Get a clock, so you don’t forget how to tell analogue time. Don’t eat people’s birthday cake without saying “happy birthday” first. Be nice to the newbies – nobody forgets the people who were (and weren’t) nice to them on their first day. Remember: you are competent, they picked you for a reason, show them flames.

Photo by JESHOOTS.COM on Unsplash

I saw a thread recently of people discussing the most outrageous jobs they’ve ever done. This got me thinking about what I’d consider mine to be, which made me realise just how many ridiculous things I’ve done over the years for some extra money. Maybe they’ll make you realise you’ve also done some weird work over the years, maybe they’ll make you ask “why didn’t you just get a normal part-time job?” Either way, here are some of the best.

Continue reading Ridiculous Jobs →