Mei Kin's: November 2010

Friday, November 26, 2010

To Follow My Heart or My Mind?

people always say don't judge a book by its cover. i never said that i do not believe this phrase, but then today, i was tested yet again...

when you see something that you've never seen before, what will you do? stunned. cool for few minutes. and smile an unbelievable smile. that was what i did.

i tried hard not to judge him based on his actions. my mind says he's doing something you hate the most! stop being with such person

while my heart shouts pity him... no one talks to him when he did it... maybe he's not that bad after all... sometimes peers influence, remember?

and then my memory brought me back to few incidents back... when i was in miri, where i hide cigarettes belonging to our tour guide cum fren. and few months back, when i saw my junior smoking at lakeview, he said sorry and asked me to pretend as if i din see anything... and more recently, few weeks back. a fren of mine smsed and say sorry to me for smoking and promised not to smoke anymore (he thought i saw him smoking, but he din realise that i din see ath that time)

best part is, i follow my heart most of the time... cause i love the way my heart feels for people... =)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Things I've Overlooked

9.55pm... i got an sms saying

"sis, is it poss for u not going to sabah? mom n dad having cold war.. sien"
(sister, is it possible for you not to go to Sabah. Mom and dad having cold war. Boring)

imagine you trying to digest some very hard-to-digest facts and you received such sms...

i asked my sis wat happened, but she just said "nvm la... after ur exam oni tell u"

i couldnt focus on my readings after that... just reading through, not understanding even a single word... in my mind, i tell myself "faster finish reading this... faster finish exam... faster... faster... i need to go back..."

thinking back, i feel myself is such a selfish child. i've never thought of my mom's feelings. she had been encouraging me to go travel to sabah, but i took everything for granted. not listening to my sis's advice to accompany my mom more... i know she misses me, i know she wants to see me and be with me... yet, i ignored everything and follow my heart, enjoying my life as if i'll die tomorrow instead of accompanying my mom as if she'll leave me anytime...

"biasalah... hari tu mak pergi jamuan apa ntah... pastu balik lewat... ayah kunci pintu... mak bawa kunci tapi ayah kunci pintu gelas... kan pintu gelas tu takde kunci, hanya boleh buka dari dalam... so mak panggil ayah bukakan pintu ayah x buka kan... sampai pkul 12am baru ayah buka... pastu ayah pun bising2 cakap nak cerai lah... hati tawar lah... patut cerai awal2 lah..."

being a paranoid and imagines alot... my mind flood with images of my mom... my mom, like me, is very sensitive and cries very easily... though she's cheerful and always look happy, but she keeps everything in her heart, not letting us know... there's only once i heard her really crying... and that was when i was sleeping... she thought i was sleeping, trying to control her voice while telling my sis everything about her and dad quarelling... my mom was really crying hardly that night, on my sister's lap... and i can only pretend as if i am really asleep...

something is happening at home yet i was laughing and enjoying myself these few days... my mom is crying and suffering at home while i am here, laughing, going out, spending money, enjoying etc etc...

i've ignored my mom... completely... i've not called home eversince study week...

WHAT KIND OF CHILD AM I????

and here i am, thinking of only my puppy love and feelings... bothering about tiny miny things when my mom is alone...

WHAT KIND OF CHILD AM I????

i've hurt my mom... i've ignored her...

i'm sorry, mummy....

Sunday, November 21, 2010

When you miss home so much...

"best not to bother with imperfections and concentrate on the good things that makes u happy when wit the person ^^"
- Nenek BS-Jo-

Simply love nenek bs jo... (dno why i need to put such a long name). she's always the spicy-mouthed jo, blurting out curses and scolding foul languages and the 4-lettered-word whenever i feel like saying it.. she knows me so well that she helped me to shout it out cos she knows i don't say such things... thanks my dear, love u! =)

enuf of crapping around, let's get on to serious matters..

realised i miss home so much lately.. i miss my frens back in KL.. many things happened, many things in my mind, many things changed, many things that i want to run away from... this sem seems to pass by very quickly... i reli am not counting down (and i need not count down) the day i'll be going home cos all i need to do is just *blink*

gaps after gaps, misunderstanding after misunderstanding...

the word tired is no longer suitable... i need a long vacation, away from university, away from everyone, so that i can think properly and thoroughly what exactly i want, what am i supposed to do... i long for a long walk, preferably a long stroll along the beach... (being in a family where there's no family vacation like other kids, i grow up feeling curious and excited over new places that i've seen on tv. my short term dream is to travel around malaysia, after that i'll travel around the world... sadly, the person who promised to help me realise my dream can no longer do so... ah! forget it!)

beach... don't know why i am so attracted to beaches though i can't swim, i can't dive, i can't do -whatever-people-do-with-the-sea. don't know, i just simply love the natural wind... it seems to blow away someone's troubles, sadness, anger... especially people like me, who is so sensitive and paranoid. =)

one thing that i know... many things that i have to learn to let go... many things that i have to learn to control... meikin, you've grown up.. u can no longer do whatever you want without taking into consideration other people's feelings.. if you have to sacrifice something to make everyone happy, do it... you'll feel happier... always this same thing i tell myself...

time passes by so quickly that i realised it has been VERY long since i had a real chat with you. that was during MAP, in Cempaka, at night... where i told you how i feel not being told about "that news".. and i still rmb u saying "i think i can feel how u feel, don't know why..." i wish you can feel what i feel now.. all of a sudden i feel so far away from you.. i no longer knows anything about you, i feel so helpless i cant help you despite all your inner suffer (feelings) that u have posted in ur blog.. sorry.. really sorry for not spending time talking to u..

and to my Organic Chemistry 2... sorry for not spending enough time with you.. or maybe i was not concentrating when dating with you.. serve me right if i have to date you again next year... really sorry..

As for the time being, to those special someone(s) who had reside in my heart for quite some time already... it's time to let go.. =)

how i wish everything is perfect, with no worries and problems.. but if life is like that, i am sure i will complain that life is boring!!! that's human, never appreciate what they have till it's gone..

And for now, can i have a BIG TIGHT hug? =D

Friday, November 19, 2010

Feelings...

when you are not talking about someone but they thought you are talking about them..
when your mind is thinking of other things and they thought you are thinking of ANOTHER thing..
when you have other things in mind, not like what they thought...

planned well to go out tomorrow... with cars rented, event in fb created... everything was fine...

i did not blame him for not going.. cos i know he has no money.. what i wanted was, he was the one who wanted to go for an outing, but at last he was the one who did not want to go out. a fren of mine, A, was eager to go out because of him.

All i asked for was him to tell A that he's not going. that's all

but why make till putting the same statuses in fb, till have to make one fren say "takpe.. sy blh ikut jadi driver, tp sy x ikut aktiviti korang lah.. sbb sy xde duit.. jadi driver korang blh"

can u imagine wat's my feeling at tat moment seeing this??

my best fren saying this to me. i NEVER treat him as a driver!!! and i never want him to follow just as a driver! what makes till it comes to this level? a happy outing plan turned awful...

i dunno wat else i can write though my heart is awfully painful right now..

just want to SHOUT OUT LOUD...

CAN I???

Monday, November 15, 2010

Something Missing...

Can someone tell me how is the feeling of falling in love?

Is it sweet? Sour? Salty? Spicy? Or tasteless?

How long was it since i fall for someone... It was so long ago that i've forgotten everything about LOVE...

People said that "falling in love" is a situation where you accidentally, without realising it, love someone. That's why they call FALL in love instead of other thing

And love is indeed blind... It strikes without looking at target, without taking into account whether someone is ready or not... whether they are willing or not...

Wonder when will i FALL in love again... =)

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Before and After Marry

Before marriage.
Darling here.. darling there...
After marriage.

Baling here... baling there..

Before marriage.
I die for you. . .
After marriage.
"You die, up to you. "
Lagi lama married.
You die I help you!

Before marriage.
You go anywhere. . I follow you.
After marriage. .
You go anywhere. . up to you .
Lagi lama married.
You go anywhere better get lost!!

Before wedding
you are my heart, you are my love"
After wedding
"you get on my nerves. "

Before wedding
"you are sweet and kind just like Cinderella"
After wedding
"you are worse than godzila"

Before wedding
Roses are red, violets are blue. Like it or not, I'm stuck with you
After wedding
Roses are dead, I am blue. You get on my head, I will sue you

Before wedding
Every makan he brings you to Shangri-La
After wedding
You want to go, he says you wait-la

Before wedding
She looks like Anita Sarawak
After wedding
Don't know whether katak or biawak

ENJOY YOUR WEEKENDS... =)

Thursday, November 11, 2010

101th Post

Congrats to myself for reaching the 101th post!!!! =)

"You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on."

-Rafik Murni-

LOVELY day! with people cooking sausages and my all time favourite nuggets... Feel that life is a BLISS!!

Problems of yesterdays seems to have float away when i am with people who smiles at me and with me. spent the whole doing doing little revision but chatting alot about various topics... from love to ghosts to family/personal matters...

my mom used to say that "walking a thousand miles is better than reading a thousand books". please let me change a bit of this quote for today...

"listen to a thousand real-life stories is better than reading a thousand lecture notes"

And AGAIN!!! i went on a bike ride with Ammar Ubaidullah Rozali... he's my best friend, my close friend, my great friend, my love friend and whatever-word-that-fits. Weird enuf, we are so close that we never had any feelings (special-love-and-wanna-get-into-a-relationship feelings). this proves that my sis is WRONG!!!!

"Between a gal and a boy best friend, there's only one thin line. It is VERY easy for human to cross that line"

No stress today since i went out to McD and had some fresh night air yesterday (going out at night in KL is so not possible for me, though i love night sceneries & air & view so much. Don't tell my dad i've been lepak-ing late at night till 4am here in UNIMAS! hehehehehe) had a serious headache yesterday... due to exam (really anot?? hehe) and problems with AKS. Ate 2 panadols before managed to persuade my fren to follow us out for night hunt at McD.

though stress-less today, but still, i released my stress (no stress how to release stress ar?? hehe) by singing!!!! KARAOKE-ing in JPK A with him, AKS!!! spent 2-3 hours (not keeping track of time) and singing till no more voice/voice cracked...

"meremang bulu roma saya dengar korang nyanyi" -Apik Murni-

How good if everyday is as enjoyful as today.... though deep in my heart, a small voice is telling me..

"Stop dreaming, mei kin... good things doesn't last forever"

Which brings me back to my quote at the beginning of this blog...

"You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on."

-Rafik Murni-

Life is REALLY about moving on and being happy... Thanks to all my friends and everyone beside me.. Thanks for being my FRIEND!

Monday, November 8, 2010

dno why these few days i keep on blogging... exam stress i guess... but the more important reason is that there's something in my heart fighting to get out... something which i wish i can voice out... something which i cant express orally...

and i am still writing about it after 3 days... continuously for 3 days i'm writing about the same thing... i know it'll get bored, but then just because the feeling is still there, it is not solved yet... my heart is still aching...

but one thing i am sure... no matter how bad i feel, no matter how sad i am, no matter how many days i type about the same thing... everything will not return to what it used to be again... no matter how much i miss the times we used to share, nothing will return...

i miss the sweet times we share together... AKS... =')

ALL About Me (Kin Kin)

A - AVAILABLE : I am available on any days as long as NOT during my exams!!! ^^

B - BIRTHDAY : 26th April... sweet sweet day! hehehe

C- CRUSHING ON : ANTS!!! pity d ants, always kena crushed by me... next time crush ice lah. can make iced blended somemore... NYUMMY~ hehe

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD : Amilase Enzyme *gulp*

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO : sister and mommy!!! <3

F - FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT : Separuh Jiwaku Pergi - Anang

H - HOMETOWN : Kepong, KL

I - IN LOVE WITH : EVERYONE!!! <3 <3

J - JUGGLE : time!!! hehe

K - KILLED SOMEONE : OF COURSE!!! always happens in my dreams... huhuhu

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE : Sibu-Bintulu/Bintulu-Miri

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR : As long as MILK and SHAKEN

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS : 3. LOVELY! =)

O - ONE WISH : happy Happy HAppy HAPpy HAPPy & HAPPY!!!!

P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST : checked back my phone only realize very long din call anyone alr.. hehehe

R- REASON TO SMILE : HAPPY!!! and to make myself & ppl around me happy! (n.n)

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD : Belajarlah Untuk Cinta - Anang

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP :10am

U - UNDERWEAR COLOR : ooopsss!!! hehehe

V - VEGETABLE : ANY vege as long as not BITTER!!! (but i eat bitter guard okieee)

W - WORST HABIT : behaving like a boy, very boyish, as if no need to marry in the future! muahahaha

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD MOST RECENTLY : before i enter uni! *proud*

Y - YOYOS ARE : my results! (like yoyos.. hehe)

Z - ZODIAC SIGN : Taurus : Stubborn. Sensitive.

RANDOM QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

Your favorite number/s : 3. cos i'm the third child. but 3 is DEFINITELY not my lucky number. used to pick the number 3 as my lucky number but always end up unlucky. hehe

What color do you wear most : PINK! till my friends thought i am wearing the same shirts. hehehe

Least favorite color : erm.. dull dull colours.. not bright, make ppl moody... =(

What are you listening to : Separuh Jiwaku Pergi. AGAIN!!!

Are you happy with your life right now : Not happy also MUST happy!!! cos it's MY life, i have to choose to go through it happily or sadly. so better choose HAPPY everyday! heheeh

What is your favorite class in school : BIOLOGY!!! (i LOVE bio, though not very good in it >.<)

Who is/are your best friend/s : too manyyyyyyyy

Are you outgoing : depends on who i am with

Favorite pair of shoes : belum jumpa kasut tat i love very much yetttt

Can you dance?: don't think sooo~

Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth : if a cherry enters my mouth, i'll eat it TOGETHER with its stem! hehehe. simply love cherry! ^^

Can you whistle : errrrrr.... using a whistle? hehe

Cross your eyes : NO! (i am so not talented. lol)

Walk with your toes curled : never tried before.. why must i walk with my toes curled when i have toes? *blur*

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...

Do you believe in life in other planets : perhaps not human

Do you believe in miracles : wish i can believe! =)

Do you believe in magic : YES!! Harry Potter! *mani mani ohmmmm~*

Love at first sight : YUP! definitely believe!

Do you believe in Santa : how to believe when my plan to celebrate x'mas each year cannot be fulfilled though i reeeeeaaaaallllyyy LOVE x'mas season... +.+

Do you know how to swim : noooooooooooooooooo~~~ *sad*

Do you like roller coasters : SURE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! went to Sunway's... gonna try Genting's!!! when?? soon... (hopefully)

Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows : depends.... never tried before... maybe i'll vomit b4 i eat? hehehe

Have you ever been on a plane : SURE lah!!!!

Have you ever asked someone out : my mom and my sis (MOST frequent)

Have you ever been to the ocean : Beach considered?

Have you ever painted your nails? : YUP!!!! and then fingers itchy, peel all off. wasted!!! hehehe

THE WHAT'S

What is the temperature outside? : just rained... COLD

What radio station do you listen to : once i enter a car, i'll just search the radio station till i find nice songs... to me i listen to songs, not stations... hehe

What was the last restaurant you ate at : Oten consider restaurant ma? hehe

What was the last thing you bought : burger + rice + teh o peng

What was the last thing on TV you watched : tooooooooooo long agooooooooooo (like very kasihan no tv)

THE WHO'S

Who was the last person you IM'd : MSN not working..

Who was the last person you took a picture of : AKRAM!!! yesterday at lakeview. hehe

Who was the last person you said I love you to : how long ago since i uttered that word? hmmm~ ho3

CRYING SECTION

Ever really cried your heart out : yes lorhhh

Ever cried yourself to sleep : cried till too tired and exhausted then sleep got la..

Ever cried on your friend's shoulder : YUP!!! *u know who u r*

Ever cried over the opposite sex : hehehehe. YESSSS. love it when someone is there to wipe off your tears!!! ^^

Do you cry when you get an injury : last time ba...

Do certain songs make you cry : Jay Chou's songs... always listen when i'm sad... and that HELPS me to cry, not MAKE me cry (got difference wan okkk)

HAPPY SECTION

Are you a happy person? : HOPEFULLY~

LOOK AT ME

What is your current hair color : Brownish Black (natural colour, don't jealous arrr)

CURRENTLY WEARING

What shirt are you wearing : Black shirt (mom bought for me deee)

Pants : jeans

Shoes : not wearing shoes now... hohoho

Necklace : DROPPED my crystal pendant when shifting things back to college during uni's Raya festival.. ="""(

IN A GUY

Favorite eye color : natural can already

Short or long hair : PLEASE CUT YOUR HAIR SHORT!!! (cant stand guys with long hair)

Height : natural height? hahahaha

HAVE YOU EVER

Been to jail : in my dream... drived my sis's car and killed someone... nearly sent to jail.. phobia of driving eversince

Mooned someone : means?? *.*

Thought about suicide : any normal ppl will think abt it.. hehe

Laughed so hard you cried : DEFINITELY!!!

Cried in school : yeaaa... till my friends labelled me as someone who love to cry. ahahahaha

Thrown up in a store : maybe when i am still an innocent cute baby~

Wanted to be a model : NOPEEE

Seen a dead body : yea...... =""(

Been on drugs : medicine. avoid whenever i can

Gone skinny dipping : don't put bombastic words if you want me to answer!!!!

THIS OR THAT

Pepsi or Coke : 100+ & Revive (not answering)

McDonald's or Burger King : both acceptable... hehehe. but Oreo McFlurry always my priority! =)

Single or Group Dates: SINGLE

Chocolate or Vanilla: CAMPUR

Strawberries or Blueberries: ALL berries... hehe

Meat or Veggies: BOTH!!!

TV or Movie: Movie & TV >.<

Guitar or Drums: GUITAR! *prefer soft music... drums sounds so harsh to my ears*

Adidas or Nike: both also got wor... but pirated ba.. hehe

Chinese or Mexican: Korean

*releasing tension and awarding myself after KILLING my 1st Final Paper*

Tiada kena-mengena dengan yang hidup ataupun mati. =P

When last time he used to let me see his sms in his hp...

When last time there are no secrets between us, everything is so open...

Whatever happened, he'll be excited to tell me, and i'll be excited to listen...

All his secrets he'll let me know...

But now... Even when he's looking at sms...

When he's replying to sms...

Everything becomes secret...

He'll turn away, his hp will be turned to another side...

And we said we don't know what happened...

When in fact, we both knows SOMETHING happened...

But we refused to admit what changes...

We refused to say what went wrong...

Cos he doesn't realize he's wrong...

And i am tak sampai hati tell him that he's wrong....

That what he did indirectly hurt me, with he knowing it or not...

And the gap between us grows bigger and bigger...

Further and further...

Till what's left between us are nothing more than WORK...

FORMALITY...

And jokes which we create on purpose just to ease the tension between us...

Can everything return back to a few months ago?

NO...

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Heart-Broken

i think no other words can describe my feelings better than this bolded word... when you love your friends so much, when whatever you do you never forget them... when you are the one who asked them out 1st...

they can say that they've forgotten me... they can say that i've never crossed their minds... but why do they quote something which is not true?

"you said you want to study during the weekends, you asked us not to disturb your weekends"

when in fact, what i said was "do not disturb my sunday because i have paper on monday"

that makes me very very heartbroken. stop quoting something which is NOT true, something i've NEVER said before!!! if i said that before, i wouldn't had said i want to go out TONIGHT!!! and you yourself said "you wana go out? i also want to go out. but if you want me to go out, get me from medic faculty"

and in fact, i was the one who asked the other person who go out 1st. he rejected, saying he has no money. and suddenly he was going out. and i am not in the list... (i am NOT blaming him, cos he does not know that i am not following. in fact, he was the one who asked me to get ready to go out)

after EVERYTHING, what the 1st person did was "i ask them whether got empty place anot"

when everytime i go out with ppl he knows, he'll be the 1st in the list i asked. when everytime i go out he crossed my mind. but me? just someone to fill in empty spaces, that is also if AVAILABLE

and then when i was heartbroken, only did they asked the 3rd person to call and ask whether i want to go anot. in fact, there are already 5 ppl in their list. they're just asking to SHOW they SUDDENLY rmb abt me? just as manners? and what if i am going? are they going to kick one person out or are they going to squeeze 6 ppl in 1 kancil?

i've been hurt once... and i do not wish to be so stupid to be hurt twice...

i really thought i've found my best friends... i really thought i could share my things with you all... and i really thought you all are the ones who can make me happy and not cry again...