we did not quarrel... we are not in love...
but every little thing he did can easily make me feel better/worse...
cry/smile...
undeniable...
after 3 years, some things that we expect will change, did not change after all...
feelings we thought are no longer there, actually still lingers around...
decisions we thought we are sure we will not make, all of a sudden become questionable...
how i wish i could forget him as easily as he forgets me...
that i could accept another guy and fall really really in love with someone just like he fell in love with other girls...
that i could forget about him, and accept the fact that everything about us are past, and no longer valid...
that everything remains memories, beautiful memories, nothing more than just memories...
how i wish...
i told him that
the biggest regret in my life is not by accepting him in my life once before, but is to let go of him too easily...
the most stupid thing i ever did is not to still care and love him even when he no longer cares and loves me, but is to listen to him and agreed upon our break up...
all of a sudden i began to question my decision that day...
all of a sudden i began to feel stupid and regret...
all of a sudden i feel that it's no use crying anymore...
all of a sudden, i realised that i actually let go of him and i should continue doing so...
and i began thinking...
why am i doing things the way he asked me to?
why am i always listening to him?
why am i always following whatever he said?
he asked for break up. i agreed.
he asked me to move on. i did.
he asked me not to be with him again. i followed.
and now
he asked me to get on with my life, and i think i am doing it again...
so stupid to listen to him, yet so important he is to me that no matter how many times my head asked me to hold on and not give up, do not follow what he said...
my heart will always lose and said "just do it... if that's what makes him happy... if that's what he wants... if that is what i could do to lessen his problems, his headache, his burden...
i'll do just anything... as long as he is happy...
"Wanting someone happy is always more important than just wanting him"
i'll love you in my own way that you will not realize that i am still holding on...
be tough, ong foo kiat...
