Monday, August 31
-9:57 pm
I slept at 3 am last night to rush for a summary article which is due only NEXT MONDAY. I feel super cheated but oh well, now that it's gone, I can concentrate on other things rather than worrying about it again this coming Sunday.
This coming and next Sundays are going to EPIC. Why? Because of 《我心献曲》. We'll be having 2 more 3 hour choir practices in addition to those on Fridays. It's epic madness I tell you. After that concert, there will be Hosanna elections and Hosanna camp registration on the following Sunday. Then Hosanna sentosa games day on Monday. Wake me up when September ends?
Week 4 and I'm already tired. How I wish I can only have that few things to be bothered with.
But thank God, even when things are looking so unmanagedable, He always seem to bring a ray of hope.
- FYP is more or less settled after all that drama - as in we finally have a framework which the Professor has helped to beautify it. Tomorrow's session will be finalising details. HOORAY!
- Change in decision to go Bukit Timah from Bugis became a blessing in disguise when the train emptied out to let north-bounded passengers to board instead. Something went wrong between Orchard and Somerset stations. Massive amount of people were stuck at Raffles Place. Even it was knocking-off time, but never have I seen so many people waiting for train on the opposite platform. Even the train to Marina Bay were almost packed. Thank God we decided to 'go' to Bugis, or else we would have missed that north-bounded train. Haha.
- Now that HA201 slides were actually done on Saturday, I'm a little carefree about what I should do now. But I should go refine it and then finish up on the evaluation meeting minutes or finish up on my ever increasing stack of readings.
- Framework for HP429a presentation is out too. I'm totally in a lost of what to do about the structure. I hate coming up with an outline. Why can't you just give me one. .... I'm prolly like CWN in that sense - cannot come up with a structure. But I'm someone who needs one in order to function efficiently..
- I had a 60cents worth of dinner just now. HAHA.
Elections in church has become ... should I say, more complicated. The new rules have implications on who we may and can choose in this upcoming elections as the leader of the fellowship. While there are mixed feelings on my side, I don't know how the others may feel. And it's going to be tough if you are to be elected to be our leader. I will keep this in prayers and will ask everyone to do so too. Don't know how it will turn out to be but I can only trust God has His plans.
The more I try to hide something, the more it gets exposed. Why bother. And why do I have to feel gulity or scared or whatever. I'm only answerable to God in this. I can only ask for guidance from henceforth.
Friday, August 28
-1:32 am
I AM PLAGUED BY PROJECTS THIS SEMESTER!!!!!!
It's not just FYP but every other module except for the maths one. THANK GOD I didn't take Media in America. The thought of having to do a presentation in front of 200 odd people is daunting enough and the amount of work put in to pull the presentation without looking like an ass, it would have taken a lot from me.
But then again, most of my projects would probably be done by recess week. Let's see:
- HA201's presentation is next week. That one is easy-peasy. But still have to meet and consolidate stuff which is just sucky for me. The essay is individual work so I'm fine with that - watch the movie and write the review. Faster chop chop and get it done.
- MB106 tutorial - rarh. 3 presentations in class and that stupid interview report. Hopefully can get the presentations done quickly within the first few tutorials. Report.. I don't know when we'll start on that.
- HP429 - CWN is really the ultimate in giving an outline. The presentation she is demanding from us is a mini FYP. Research, find relevant literature reviews, summarise concepts, think of new stuff to impress her and the class, present. RARH.
- HP416 - While I really enjoy the lecturer's classes, it would seem that his work are demanding as well. SIGHS. One major presentation (done before the recess week yay!) and a essay on crime profile. Anyone can help me suggest something interesting to look into?
I'm using all my free time for meetings this coming week.
Monday: 1030 to meet for 429's ideas consolidation before sitting through a 3 hours seminar. Then prolly the next 1.5 hours to consolidate FYP's ideas before meeting CWN at 4pm. I'm so going to brain dead by then.
Tuesday: 1330 for HA201. Hopefully it will be smooth-going.
Wednesday: Possible 416 meeting in the morning then lessons from 1130-1630. Then MB106 meeting.
Thursday: OOH I MAY HAVE NOTHING AT ALL! PRAISE GOD! Rest day. Like finally.
I don't understand how my hell week has managed to sneak up to me by week 4.
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It's only through this whole situation that I see how Man is truly inadequate in understanding any situation fully. We all have our own heurisitics in evaluating the world, own attitudes in facing the world, our perceptions of understanding the world that we always seem to forget how others may fit into our world. We seem to forget how to stand in others' positions in be more understanding and less critical. Only God, in His all-encompassing knowledge and wisdom, is able to help us through this. Perhaps I have lost something valuable from her in exchange of something equally valuable from him. To me, it seems the dynamics have changed on her part. As much as I want to cry foul and know what I may have done wrong, but it's probably just insensitivity on my part to push for it. If what boils down in the end is this, then I can only pray for more love on my end.
Lines are drawn so clearly, it's hurtful.
Thursday, August 27
-12:41 am
No idea why she wants to put that up. It sounded as though the whole world has wronged her. It sounded as though she's the only one being betrayed. I'm in confusion because I have to change my schema of her. And I'm not willing to. All these new information about her thoughts, behaviours, motives, attitudes just don't add up. There are too many unknown equations given to me at the same time and I can't change my schema of her in time.
I feel wronged because I don't know what's wrong with giving him support, or sharing the points with him or anyone else for the matter so that they can make a more informed decision or sharing. If she had rather everyone working under a facade while she thinks she can just sit at the back of her mind and see how all this is a facade, it's just trying to be cynical for the sake of being cynical. I don't know how is it that the same attitude can be brought into this even though she detests it to be done on her.
I don't want to tell the whole world nor I can share with anyone in detail because it's just going to be pettiness on both sides. Me being unaccommodating and while she will prolly just look immature after my account which is totally not fair for her.
My 'side' is given to me by circumstances and not by choice, and she only aggravates it with all the little actions. I know where my line is now (although I seriously don't understand why am I treated this way - just because I chose not to have a clear side. That's not very understanding to me.), I know what I should do and I know who are SUPPOSED to be on your side. I'm not going to make mutual friends to be in a difficult situation by complaining or bemoaning about anything. I'll only say anything if I can trust them to be mature about it.
If God is to judge us on this, I think it's because of our judgement on each other. That's why I don't like how people use words carelessly. And I hate the virtual world for this because nothing is said clearly. How can people actually like the virtual world to hide themselves? How can people like lies and facades?
I'm getting myself worked up before sleeping. Good job. ZZZZZ.
Alright, I shall go do QT and sleep liao.
Sunday, August 23
-11:09 pm
Blogger is lousy. UTTERLY LOUSY these days.
I can't upload photos nor have a proper homepage to blog. =.= I tell you, firefox and javascript are seriously at some kind of war. They just don't like each other. BUGS! Fix it!
Anyway, today has been an eye-opener. What he said the other time really came true. Things are really clashing now. I'm unhappy, they are unhappy; who is left to fight for us? Or is it our turn to so that the younger ones will not have to go through all these pain? Perhaps it's 'cause things are at its initial stages, and planning at initial stages always hurt. Too used to the old ways, we are. It's hard to accept them just like that. Now I have to run both ways through the entire years, I don't know how long I can last. I'm not stretched to my limit yet, looking at how I can blog and the time I have wasted up till now. But once stretched, I don't know when I will snapped - just like so long ago even when the trigger is different now. Pray for me - so that I may have strength and wisdom to do all that are required of me. The Lord doesn't give me more than I can't bear.
FYP, Children's Ministry - Sunday School and Worship, Hosanna, Youth Choir, 5 modules, him, tuition, family, the occasional tuition ministry. If you think this is in some kind of order, yes it is. Free time is somewhere in between all of these. I don't know how to juggle. Seriously. If this are the herculean tasks to handle, I can do nothing but lean on my Rock. Why is my cross so hard to bear at this time of the year and at this stage of my life.
Now I wonder and mourn. But I have also seen how there are people who can make me stumble and contemplate the easy way out. They may be close friends and family but what they had said made me guarded about how I will display my fatigue to them in the future.
"Don't go la. Why must you join choir?"
"Why are you so busy? Is church making you very tired?"
They might have been spoken out of concern, but when brought forth by a non-believer, I can't help but cringe at their remarks. Not many has been so concerned over what I have been doing in church, and even if they did, it's probably just to know what kind of things I am doing. But never have they asked me to quit something or not do anything. I'm wary when people say this kind of things. It's like a warning to me. It's either really a 'slow down' sign from God or it could be a stumbling block for me. If it's really to ask me to slow down, I will because I do contemplate on giving up certain things so that I may and can focus. But if it's not, I should not fall into the temptation of just giving up.
To non-believer readers: just don't ask me to tell you where you are in my priorities or how I (my own pleasure/free time) stand in all I should be doing, because I can only give you one answer. I will always try to make time whenever you ask me but do understand that when there's no more time to give to you, I really have no time.
I'm tired from all this emotional drainage.
Friday, August 21
-11:03 am
I realised I haven't blogged in ages. HAHA. But school has been tiring.. Because I have a 3-day school week and I end late for all 3 days. Interesting stuff only happened when I have to go to school.
Well.. We sent Kee Ka off on Wednesday. It wasn't an emotional affair because I think the guys were too gao siao already. And she'll be back by next Feburary for 3 very important events which all take place on the same day hahaha. So that's just half a year away. haha. Wonder how she feels leaving so many people behind but I guess it's going to be a tremendous experience to go China and learn TCM. :D Would really love to go for exchange but oh well, if I had, things might have turned out differently. I shan't dwell too much about it. :]
There are things which can be said here and there are things which can't be. Don't know if these second thoughts are merely effects of being who I am after all this while. -emos-
Sharon: school started on tuesday la. haha. I blogged on Wednesday midnight ma.
Wednesday, August 12
-12:03 am
First day of school!
Uneventful but I started it out with FYP discussion with the girls. It's a good start. Haha.
CCF started on time too, like Guan Ting said, it's a good start as well.
Even though timetable planning didn't go on smoothly, but so was last semester's. I'm sure that there are good times ahead, although just looking at everything I feel overwhelmed already.
I don't know how to deal with the knowing glances. I don't know how to deal with the awkwardness I seem to feel from them. May the Lord give me the courage to do what has to be done.
Happy Birthday. :]
Friday, August 7
-12:43 am
I finished this book in two days. Highly relevant to me because of what I am going through NOW. It felt weird to me to share my after thoughts about the book with him but at least I didn't do much revealing.
Waiting on the guy. Submitting it to God. Cover the whole issue with prayers. Seek reassurances from God. Don't act on my impulses. Let the guy have the initiative. To wait on the best because that is what God will give. To wait on what is worth waiting. They are some of the principles which Elisabeth Elliot is adovcating. I'd read Quest for Love - another book she wrote, and I believed it was that that got me thinking about praying for my future partner and praying for myself so that I can be the person whom God wants me to be for him. It's a God-centered relationship I'm looking for, so I don't want to settle for less. If it doesn't come then I pray that God would take away the desire for me. It seems weird to start praying about taking away this kind of desire when I am such an age - blossoming youth and all that but I guess I wanted to be prepared for it.
But such desire never did leave me.
Perhaps to many, it's not the ideal perspective on modern romantic relationships. But has anything modern turned out well other than speeding things up? I'm a traditionalist at heart and see no reasons why not to adopt her principles. It's heartbreaking to know people just feel that a relationship is just one to get companionship. If the feelings are gone, I can just find another one. But wouldn't you feel tired disclosing yourself to one man after another? You tell the same old stories to 1, 2, 3, 5, 10, 20 guys about yourself. I would probably feel sick by the same old routine by the second guy. To me, it just feels strange to have so many guys out there to know about me. Why subject oneself to so many emotional scarring, when in the end, scars never heals properly nor perfectly every time. Old ideas such as commitment, accommodating, restrains aren't in vogue anymore. And it's a pity. With all these, I would think it brings out the the best out of the person. Anyone can indulge himself in anything, at anytime. But I believe that anyone who is able to do any of the above even by a little bit, it brings out the mark of his/her character. While the following passages may seem not very relevant to the topic, but it shows what the bible has to say about the 'mark of a person'.
2 Peter 1: 5 - 7"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, brotherly kindness; and to brotherly kindness, love."Romans 5: 3 - 4"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."Love can be a choice.
Monday, August 3
-11:46 pm
I shopped today! So happy hahahaha. Got new top and shoes! Wheee! But I don't think it can compensate the all out feeling that I would have if I've gone to Bangkok. Yes I didn't go because I had to settle FYP because I thought I can only meet the professor on Friday. Turned out today we could have a discussion, but now because we leeching on to another group, so still have to settle some major issues like ethic forms, firming up on the hypothesis etc. RARH. Luckily I found out Wan Xin is finally contactable 'cause she's back in Malaysia or Singapore, but I have no brain cells to delegate work nor form a coherent thought. Oh well, there were so much obstacles between me and BKK, it's almost not meant to be. There must be a reason why God doesn't want me to go, so I'll just see what is going to happen this week. :]
FYP is settled!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my agenda for the week will be:
Tuesday: Read up relevant literature on the topic, send out email to lala and wanxin, give my aching feet a deserving rest. PUBLIC ENEMIES! YAY!!!!!!
Wednesday: Go for book sale in Serangoon/Paya Lebar and prolly Toa Payoh to get "Out of the Saltshaker" book.
Thursday: Meet Mavis to do *****'s card. HAHA.
Friday: Tuition and then choir.
Saturday: Tuition ministry, meeting (?), bible study.
Sunday: Church! Yay!
So many things to do, I'm excited already. Hehe.
Saturday, August 1
-12:58 pm
I got this from FB. HAHA.
It's August already!! Oh man.
Innocent Deliberate Giving Loving (CDGL)
You are romantic, hopeful, and composed. Fairytales were made for you.
You're looking for true love, not just someone "for now" or a one night stand. You're conscientious, caring & careful. You're very thoughtful about who you spend your time with -- you don't give your heart out to just anyone. Some might consider your romantic notions overly idealistic, but this helps you filter out those who are just out for casual flings, who wouldn't be the right match for you anyway.
You'll be most happy with someone who shares your thoughtful perspective on love and is willing to devote himself wholeheartedly to a relationship. You want passion and excitement as much as the next girl, but you'd rather not settle for sex without love.
You're selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual and a little adventurous. You know that with patience and the right approach, you'll end up with your Prince Charming.
