I can't tell you the amount of times I have a thought and I want to jump on my computer and write it down, and then life happens. Somebody usually needs me, or something needs done, and just like that my thoughts are gone. But I miss it. I miss writing. I miss blogs. With the popularity of instagram these days it seems like blogs have kind of disappeared. I miss the community so much. So I'm here to say, lets bring blogging back! You know, in your spare time. 

Just what have we been up to? Harper is thriving in Kindergarten, and I spend my days at home with Finley and Norah. Most of the time it is pretty mundane, but I blame winter, and being pregnant for that. I officially hate winter. Before kids? Loved it. Now that I have kids, I realize they do best in warm weather. We are already counting down the days until warmer temperatures, walks to the playground, and back yard hangs. Hubs is doing well. We are in this weird post deployment transition. Unsure of where we will be a year from now. Flying is happening, airplanes now. Flying for the Guard is still happening too, but other than that things are literally and figuratively up in the air. I'm trying to not stress out, and to have faith, but I don't always do so well. I'm a planner, and the girls are getting to be the ages where we need to kind of plan. So I'm just over here praying for the best, and hoping our future plans will eventually be more obvious. 

Oh yeah, I'm pregnant. Expecting baby GIRL number four late this summer. We are so excited. We found out the gender early because of the NIPT test, but I knew it was a girl this whole time because every single one of my pregnancies have been the same. The first few months are miserable, I'm nauseous, hate food, and can't get enough sleep. But I'm in my 14th week now, I can drink coffee again (praise), and I feel good most days. It is starting to feel real. With three other kids to distract me I kind of forget. But she is getting stronger every day, and I am even feeling a few early flutters. I'm trying really hard to embrace it all. This is my last pregnancy (for real this time) and I want to soak it up. I'm honestly not the best pregnant lady. I don't feel like I glow like others and I struggle a little with my changing body. But I'm excited, and I know how lucky we are. Never in my wildest dreams did I think we'd have an entire girl squad, and I love it. Sisters are something magical. 

Random side note, I've been in kind of a low these last few months too. I started noticing social media wasn't bringing me joy like it used to. I fell down the comparison trap pretty hard, forgetting that our life, our story, is ours, and it isn't going to look like everyone else's, and that is okay. Our goals, plans, and dreams are a constant work in progress, and we will get there. It was in this low that I forgot to find joy in my every day. I stopped listening to music. I stopped reading books. I lost myself.  I started to feel guilty for posting, in fear of being judged, or not liked. I let my light dim, along with my thoughts and opinions. Looking back I'm so mad at myself for doing so. But I'm happily coming out of that funk more and more every day, and giving zero eff's about what anyone else may think about me. Because, more than likely, they aren't. Once you realize that, and the fact that you aren't responsible for other peoples happiness, life becomes a lot more enjoyable.

For all that is going on (or not going on), life is good. I'm learning to embrace the quote "it is just a season", and that is big, because that saying used to make me mad. Life is constantly changing, and often times fast. My story today won't look the same a year from now and I find comfort in that...comfort in the endless possibilities. There is always excitement in what is to come. Will there be hard crap too? Obviously. Always is. But there is also, always, constant good. I find that daily in my family, and close friends. Right now, my life consist of being home with the kids, and they take up a lot of time, not allowing for much more. It is the season I am in and I love it. It is a choice I never regret, even on the days where I'm like, wtf are you doing with your life Candace?

Anyways, this long, pointless post is just me saying hi. Expect more blogging from me! As you can see I have lots of thoughts I could elaborate on, so I'll save those for some different posts.

Now tell me, how are you? What is new in your life? I've missed you!

I've been meaning to sit down and write for some time now but its like the thoughts come at the most random of times or I'm needed. Some one ALWAYS needs me. In fact, if you want to know what the hardest part of deployment has been thus far it is that. I can't recall the last time I was able to take a real breather as I bounce from one child's need to the other. And that is okay. I'm pretty sure thats parenting in a nut shell, its just that I don't have a husband coming home to carry some of the load with me and him coming home was all of ours favorite time of day. For them it was the joy of daddy, for me it was that too, but also it meant I could relax a little.

The days and weeks following the deployment have been pretty good. I no doubt have the most incredible thoughtful people in my life that lift me up and give me strength when I need it the most. There have been texts and calls daily. Coffee & and wine left at my door. Oh, and oreo's. Those lasted approximately 24 hrs. Ha. I don't even know how to show my family and friends how grateful I am for them but I hope they know it. I hope they know they pull me out of a sad place and make me realize I have much more to be thankful for. They give me strength on the days i'd rather sit around and feel sorry for myself. They listen to me when I need it. They make me laugh. They love me, and have faith in me and it helps me so much.

After my husband left we jumped right back into our routine. It helped. The busyness is needed and it really helps pass the time. The army wasn't messing around either and already gave my husband his four day pass. Two of those days were spent traveling but we got two blissful days in between those. And they were perfect. We celebrated the holidays early, eating thanksgiving dinner while putting up the tree. But no matter how wonderful the time was we couldn't hide the sadness either. I felt sick the entire time because I knew it was ending. It is the little things we take for granted that my husband would give anything to not leave behind. He did things like feed Norah a bottle. It would be the LAST time he'd ever get to do that for when he comes home she won't be drinking from them anymore. It just freaking kills me. The whole two days we had were just a reminder to me that we are so lucky and we have it so good and there are so many freaking days where I take that for granted. Life can be so repetitive, so mundane, but there is so much beauty in it. So so much. I hate that I ever thought things just weren't enough. We have each other and that is EVERYTHING.

We said our goodbyes once more on Monday. It hurt more than the first time. Deployment is a grieving process. There really isn't a kinder way to put it. That is the stage we are in right now. We are mourning the loss of his presence. A month from now we will be in a completely different stage but right now we are sad. We miss him, so very much, and the current goal is to just make it through the holidays without too many tears. It will sting a little not having him home.

So this is where we are right now. Keep us in your prayers if you don't mind. But most of all keep him. Pray for his safety. Pray for him to have strength. I know he misses us on a whole other level. But I also know he is incredible and this experience will hopefully be the same for him. The REAL countdown has begun.

We woke up to snow this morning. In fact it snowed on and off all day yesterday. Despite it being October 3rd and killing my fall vibes it is actually quite beautiful. I don't mean to get all cheesy on you but I think it was a gift for my husband. Something he loves and something he will most definitely miss this next year. One of those little things we begin to take for granted after awhile that he'd love to hold on to.

I'm not going to lie. This morning was hard. Hell these last few months have been hard. But we are finally here. It is time and there gets to be a countdown now. I get to let go of some anxiety. I awoke to him this morning, he was already up and had been for hours. Our living room was littered with camo and he was packing things into his giant black box to go with him. A box that has sat at our door for the past month. A box that annoyed me, but now this morning its gone and I'm sorry I ever told him to move it out of the way. I'd keep that box if it meant I could keep him here instead of spending the next year away from him. I snuggled up under a blanket with my coffee this morning and watched him organize his things, we talked about deployment, okay lets be real I cried, but we also talked about it like it was kind of normal. Which is always a little weird. That is the thing about being married to a soldier. These deployments are part of the deal. They are something that makes your heart ache but also fill with pride. Because you are proud of them. So proud. That is your soldier.

The girls eventually wandered downstairs. The first thing they did was run to the window in awe of the snow. I'm happy my husband got to see that moment too. Their joy is always contagious and completely unforgettable. He will no doubt replay that moment in his head and be taking their joy with him. They shouldn't be home this morning but we've kept them home from school this week to savor every moment and we have. We've stayed up past our bed time eating popcorn & m&ms, and watching Captain Underpants. We've read at least 5 extra books a night before bed, and we've given each other about a million hugs a day. Its been the best.

The last thing we did this morning was make his favorite for breakfast. Biscuits & Gravy. The girls always help me and make a huge mess and I love it. I loved everything about this morning. The smells, the snow, the heat kicking on. It was one of the moments in your life when everything comes full circle. All I could feel was warm & cozy. I am so lucky. WE are so lucky. We are living our dreams. In fact that is part of the beauty of deployment. You see things in a different light. Little beautiful moments can often get lost in the mundane. But this morning was full of those moments. It was in the Biscuits and Gravy. The same meal that my mother made for me growing up that provided the same feelings. The feelings of warmth,  and safety. They feel like home. The recipe is simple and delicious. So were all these moments. They are love and it is that same love that will get us through this and before we know it this deployment will just be a thing of the past and we will be making Biscuits & Gravy again, only this time he'll be home for good.

A friend of mine asked me for some words of wisdom about being a military wife the other day. This made me realize I'm not sure I have the right words. Especially right now as we are preparing to go through a deployment. But I do have a lot of feelings. Being a milspouse is a sort of love / hate thing for me and it is something I struggle to put into words.

I can tell you this, I admire my husband. He loves us enough to be a part from us in order to support us. I don't know how he does it. I love watching him fly. I think he is a total babe in uniform and that he is an amazing solider. That is where my love for being a milspouse comes in. I love it because I love him. I love his passions, and I fully support his dreams. Right now those dreams include being a Blackhawk Pilot and it is a dream he worked hard to achieve, and I couldn't be more proud.

However, because of these dreams we have to live with the reality that they could equal time apart. And it has, including weeks and months of training, and now an upcoming deployment. So perhaps that is where my hate comes in. But hate may be a strong word. I don't hate being a milspouse, I'm just human and I hate being away from him. And what I hate the most about this deployment is he will have to be away from our girls who will grow and change so much in the time he is gone. I mean, Norah will be walking and talking the next time he sees her. It just makes my heart hurt. There will be all these moments he will miss, and within them us missing him being there.

The time before deployment is the worst. You talk about the hard stuff. The stuff you don't want to ever imagine happening. You try to not cry, to stay present in every day. You find yourself holding on to every moment when all you can think about is how shortly you'll be doing this all alone. You try to not get angry about the situation because that's not the way to send your spouse off, but sometimes it is easier to be angry than to act like everything is okay. You have to protect you too. You try to not let him catch you tear up when you over hear your five year old telling him as she hands him a picture she drew to "take it, so you don't forget me". It is one huge emotional roller coaster and nothing can take away from the fact that he is leaving soon. And when it come to the girls, thank god they are resilient. The hardest thing for me to swallow about this deployment will be the same thing to get me through it-- them.

And we will get through it. With the help of family, friends, holidays, and all our activities, we will pass the time. There will be some hard days in there too. But I often find strength in the those moments and wake up thankful for a new day. I will find strength for him, so that he hopefully doesn't have to worry too much while he is away. More importantly I will find strength for me because I can do this. I may question being a mother all the time but I think I'm pretty great at it. Part of the beauty of being a parent is that we question ourselves all the time, as we should. Otherwise how do we grow and learn? And I plan on doing just that over the next year. I think over the next year I will discover even more about myself and my capabilities as a mother, wife, and person.


But right now? Right now everything feels raw. I find myself counting and the numbers make me sad. I keep picturing myself at the bottom of a huge mountain and I can see I have a huge climb ahead of me. I can't stop thinking of good bye. When we are laying in bed at night all I can think about is how shortly he won't be there and I like him there. He feels safe. I just don't know what to do with my current anxiety and the unknown other than write about it. That is all I've got right now because I'm pretty sure he packed my heart in one of his bags to go with him and I just want to cry.

It has been forever since I popped into this old blog of mine so I thought I'd give you an update of what we have been up to.

We are coming out of newborn bliss over here. Norah turns 4 months old this week. It is safe to say she is the most popular girl in the house right now, except for when it comes to riding in the car. Girlfriend HATES the car. She also hates pacifiers. Which is killing me. She is mostly breastfed which is also blowing my mind. I've never nursed a baby this much or this long. It is so special to me to get to experience what this is like. Those quiet moments we have together while nursing are my favorite. When she isn't nursing she gets a bottle of formula. Usually once a day. My supply isn't huge, this I know, so I don't pump unless for some reason I can't nurse her. So she gets a little of everything. It is nice. I don't feel overwhelmed or a lot of pressure like I did with my past two because she is fed, and fed is best.

I'm also happy to report I haven't experienced PPD like I did with my last two births. I guess this time I really didn't allow myself to. From the beginning I was able to recognize it and handle it before things got hard. The moment I felt overwhelmed and recognized those familiar feelings I began taking my antidepressant and talking about my feelings to others and I've been in a really good place.

One of the other things I've been working on is self acceptance. Realizing my body is different after three kids and learning to love and accept that one. I'll admit I'm guilty of looking in the mirror and picturing myself at 22 and I'm not that girl any more. I'm softer, my shape has changed, and I have a few gray hairs. But what a gift it is to have this a body. What a gift it is to get to age. That is what I try to focus on when I'm beating myself about how I look. Another thing that really helped me with acceptance was a huge closet purge. I went through all of my clothes and got rid of the things I knew I wasn't going to wear, or that didn't work for my new body and donated them. The best part about that was getting to shop for new things. It is amazing when you dress yourself right how much more confident you become. People don't see sizes when they look at you but they do see confidence.

Harper & Finley are doing great. Finley turned 3 this summer and Harper turned 5. I know. They are all grown up. Its ridiculous. The two of them have showed me a lot of grace when dealing with Norah. They have been great with me having to spend more time with her than them (most days) and they are both the BEST big sisters. Norah thinks they are hilarious. Most days Harper & Finley are the best of friends but I have also never seen people fight the way they do. There is some fierce love between the two of them. The teenage years should be fun, right?

I'm honestly in disbelief at how fast the summer has gone. Maybe that is what having kids does to you? Or at least what having a baby does to you. I have been clinging to this summer though. Time needs to slow down. Deployment is coming and my heart feels like it is breaking. I don't want to wish away the next year yet I do. I hope the moments are slow but that the time goes fast if that makes sense.

So that is where we are right now, and what we are up to. How has your summer been?

Yesterday I experienced my first earth quake. A 5.8 on the Richter scale originating from a town too close to home. It was felt by places up to 500 miles away. It is honestly something I never want to experience again. Talk about feeling not in control. Our house was shaking and there was nothing we could do about it. As soon as we realized what was happening my husband jumped out of bed to check on the big girls who didn't even wake up from it. The baby didn't either ,she happily snoozed through it her crib. But for me? It was the longest 30 seconds of my life. I still am shook up about it. It took me hours to fall back asleep as I lay in bed in shock. I was shaking like a leaf and sweating. It was awful.  In that moment all I wanted was to bring the girls in our room and snuggle all of them. In that moment I realized I have so much I care for. So much that I could lose. I know a 5.8 earthquake isn't huge in comparison to others but last night it felt huge to me. And yes,  I may be being a tad dramatic but sometimes we get so consumed with every day we forget how lucky we are. How good we really have it.

I tend to be an anxious person. It is probably my least favorite thing about myself. I'm always looking to the future, to what is next. I worry. I struggle to stay in the moment. Especially these last few days. The Earthquake was just the cherry on top. So many things have been on my mind and in my heart lately. I've been crying a lot. There is the mother I follow on social media who recently lost her child. The extreme heartbreak I feel for her is unreal. My heart just hurts all day. I continue to read all of her words. The strength she is showing is incredible. If I was her I would just want to run away and hide. But she isn't. I so badly want to write to her. To tell her she is amazing and that we are all hurting for her but I can't quite find the right words. She is experiencing my worst nightmare. Which has me shook.

Then there is the dreaded deployment. It is just there hanging over my head. I have deemed this summer the cruel summer because it keeps reminding me of what I have and what I'll be missing this fall. I know, I married someone in the army. It is part of the deal. But that does not make it any easier. My favorite person won't come home every day. The person who calms me, who is my rock, will not be there in person. Our daughters will continue to grow and he won't get to see it. Their deep belly giggles when they are playing have become a constant reminder of that. It is one of the most beautiful sounds, by the way. It is a horrible feeling though to think about him leaving. I know once it is time I'll toughen up. It will be a new normal and we will get through it. But the months leading up to it suck. They are the hardest. You try to be present in every moment but all you can think about is how there are only a few moments like this left for an entire year. Shook.

Last night however, there wasn't an earthquake. Despite my fear that another one could occur. The sun came up. The birds chirped. I woke up ok. I know I'll still have a few bad days, just like there are aftershocks following an earthquake. But I'm realizing if I channel all my worry into something other than myself and my fears I can find joy. If the earthquake taught me one things its that I'm not in control of the universe anyways. That is a relief in itself. The less time I spend dwelling on my fears means more time being present and presence is everything. That is what having a positive, meaningful, life is all about. It is going to take some work but I'm going to keep trying to worry less and be less anxious. I'm going to let go and trust in the process. I'm going to trust in myself and hopefully I'll be able to embrace every day better and be a little less shook up.

It has been forever since I have sat down to write. I feel like I'm still getting into the swing of things over here and Norah is almost two months old. My emotions are still all over the place as we are still adjusting to being a family of three. If I'm being honest with you, it has been hard. But harder on me than it is them. There is not a loss of love for Norah. Her sisters think she is the most wonderful thing, as do her father and I. I just am struggling with being enough. It is funny how in the beginning whether it be one kid, or two kids, or in our case three kids, it is so HARD. Or at least it feels that way. But I know eventually that passes. It always does, and the load doesn't feel so heavy. But right now, like I said, I'm struggling a little. But I'll figure it out.

Norah has brought many gifts into my life. Unexpected ones. While the pregnancy was hard on me her birth was not. Postpartum wise I healed quickly. I have yet to experience any postpartum depression with her as I did my other two and I can't really tell you why. We are also nursing. Yes, you read that correctly. I am nursing her. Something I wasn't able to do with my other girls. My supply is great and she continues to gain wait and my mind is blown that all of this is happening because of my boobs. But this whole nursing thing causes me some stress. I'm feeding her on demand and I feel as though I'm doing it all the time. Some days are less than others, and then sometimes it is all we do. In this is where my frustration lies. I feel like it is keeping me from my older two. I feel like it is keeping me stuck in the house. When we go out, I feel like I show everyone my boobs. I am just really thankful for understanding friends at this point because if we get together I spend a huge chunk of it nursing. This is all new for me. At this point with Harper & Finley it was bottles. It was predictable. It was a little easier. I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss it. For two babies it was all I knew so Norah is definitely growing me in this area. I can tell you this however, breast or bottle, my bond is no different with her than it was my other two. Fed is best. It has felt good to let go of all expectations this time. Maybe that is the wisdom that comes with multiple babies. Third time around I care so much less about what the masses think is best for me. I just do what I can, and what I can do, is enough.

Our days around here look pretty much the same. A little bit mundane. I think that is where struggles can come from. When you open instagram and see people on all these "adventures" and the only adventure you took that day was to the back yard you can begin to feel inadequate. I'll admit that used to happen to me often. For awhile there I convinced myself I was less than as a mom because I couldn't fill our days with all these amazing things. I convinced myself that my children were miserable & bored. I beat myself up because all I do is nurse. I failed to see that grand adventures weren't needed. That joy is found in our water table, and our cheap plastic swimming pool. It comes from popsicle's melting in your hands, and a picnic in your back yard. It comes from being present. That is what my daughters want. They want me sitting & talking with them, laughing hysterically whenever they say the word "butt". I can give them that. I can give them me, even while nursing their sister, and that again, is enough.

So this is us. Things are a bit chaotic some days, and we don't get out much but it is good. So so good. Our days are slow and predictable like I said above. As Norah grows, so does my confidence as a mother of three. So who knows what things will look like a few months from now. Until then, however? I'll stay right here. Taking it one day at a time. I'll be on the couch nursing, soaking up the snuggles and coo's coming from Norah, and melting every time I catch Harper or Finley telling her they lover her, and giving her a kiss. Because, I made them you guys.  I'll be nursing on the couch watching her big sisters pretend to be mothers themselves. By the way, if you ever find yourself feeling inadequate watch your children pretend to be parents. Look at yourself in that mirror and you'll see just how incredible you actually are. So yeah, things feel a little bit hard right now. But that is to be expected. I'm sure I'll look back at all of this before too long when I'm needed less, and I'll feel a little sad. What I thought was so hard, really won't be after all.