I’m tired.

like, bone-aching, mind-numbing, depressingly tired.

and I’ve been like this for a while. As in, a couple of years.

I’ve been to doctors, naturopaths, therapists, yogis, gyms, nutritionists, and every time come away with a “this will work. do this” and a whole lot of resulting disappointment and a whole lot less in my wallet.

But I continue to hope. Because I want to walk the El Camino in Spain, and walk through Petra, Jordan, and run on saturday mornings with my man.  I want to make it through a day without needing a nap and without barking at my kids because their needs are just so much more than I can physically attend to.

So when Mikeal says to me “what if this is how its going to be? As in, forever?” another part of me dies.  The part that climbed Angel’s Landing, and ran 13 miles on a regular basis, and hiked through rivers and rocks and could spend endless hours at the mall digging for bargains.

What happens to that person?

There is purpose in everything. And I’m beginning to accept that my purpose right now isn’t to be physically active.  I have put off my dreams and desires “until I get better.”  I’ve assuaged my guilt, my shame, my sadness by promising myself that I’ll get to that “thing” after my next appointment and i’ve got answers and a magic bullet that will at least make things better Enough.

so what if better is now?  what if this, right here, is sacred space, just as all the other moments of greatness are sacred space? what if there is something so divine in this experience, that if I just paused long enough to see it I would see god?  In this moment.

Sadness over losing the vitality I once had is shining a light of gratitude on the greatness that I was blessed with.  I was a bright, active, shining star in the cosmos of this universe and wow! How blessed was I to experience those things?

And now, I get to be a divine entity in a different way Still created by the hand of God, still shining and bright, but with a smaller radius, perhaps? I get to slow down. I get to deliberately choose my activities.  I get to be intentional in how I spend my time. I get to experience breath, and seasons, and textures, and flavors on a level that my rushed, pushed, intense-self didn’t comprehend.

I get to wait at the bottom of the hill. I get to savor the beauty that is there while I wait for the others to have their high-climbing, exuberant adventures. But what a blessing it is to have been to the top of that hill and to know both sides of the moment.

I might be sad for a few more moments.  And I’ll probably be sad again. But I’m going to embrace this moment. And be grateful for it.

I love this article from Jan 2015 on Religionandpolitics.org: http://religionandpolitics.org/2015/02/04/my-husbands-not-gay-homosexuality-and-the-lds-church/

After all of the hubbub and screeching harpies decrying the validity of SSA men marrying women and having the audacity to lead happy, productive lives, this blog post came as a very refreshing and balanced look at the subject.

In meeting Tanya Bennion, I was struck by her strong stance in stating that her husband is in fact, NOT gay.  I wonder what the term “gay” means to her.  I have a huge amount of respect and fondness for the Bennions as they are very open, loving and humble in their desires to bring healing and light to everyone they possibly can influence.  I wonder what I can learn from them about being NOT Gay.  Because as much as Dear Husband is NOT being intimate with a man, he most definitely IS gay.  There’s no way around it.

As Dear Husband has come to understand and apply the Atonement of our Savior in his life though, his attractions have become more defined.  There is a clarity to his attractions to men and his attraction to me.  It is almost as though he is beginning to see through the eyes of his infinite spirit as well as through his mortal eyes, and they see different things.

He spoke in church today about “thy will be done.”  He said something to the effect of: I always wondered what would happen to “me” if I turned myself over to the Lord, as I’ve been counseled to do in scripture.  What if I like “me”?  I don’t want to lose that guy and become like a carbon copy of some other white middle aged religious guy.  But I realized that I will still be “me”, but SO MUCH BETTER.  The spirit amplifies and brightens and enhances, so I will be a brighter, amplified, enhanced version of whatever it is I come up with. Which is amazing.

And it is.  As Mikeal has turned his life bit by bit to the Lord, his version of “me” has become brighter, more fearless, happier, more attracted to his wife (!) more ambitious and more knowledgable.  Among other things.

So about that attraction.

Part of giving up “me” is giving up the little bits of satisfying the homosexual urges.  As long as I have known, him, he has held firmly to the belief that he could never let go of the gay.  That it is such a defining part of who he is that he would shrivel up and cease to exist in any meaningful way if that part of him were to be surrendered to the Lord.

But guess what:  He was completely and totally wrong.  (But we all knew that.)

As he has surrendered it bit by bit he looks at us differently.  When reflecting on his past gay relationships, as thrilling and complete and whole and satisfied as he felt, they don’t measure up to the WHOLEness that he feels as a part of us.  But it took that leap of faith- that surrendering the identity he cherished with no guarantee of a return other than what his faith taught him- to finally experience that truth.

So maybe that’s what Tanya Benin means when she says her husband isn’t gay. Maybe he has totally surrendered his homosexual identity and placed it on the Lord’s proverbial altar and the Lord has in turn filled that space with Him.

Woah.

And to think we are on that path too.

It just isn’t something that can be conveyed on a NYT article nor on a Facebook post, nor on an hour long pilot of a tv show on a cable network.  It has to be experienced. One on one with the spirit as we take those tentative steps into the unknown.

Here’s what religion and politics has to say about the “gay” title:

“As the show’s title hints, what does it means to be “gay” in 2015? This question strikes deeply at the identity politics of gay and straight categories. Many liberal thinkers have been caught off-guard at the ways in which these politically and religiously conservative Mormons in Utah—these “not gay” men and their wives—increasingly appropriate the language of queer and postmodern gender theory to justify their conventional heterosexual marriages. Refusing the label “gay” for many is not about denying their attractions or desires, but about refusing the various presuppositions about that term, just as bisexual, trans and queer folk frustrate the categories of a stable homosexual identity.”

And for those who call it irresponsible:

“Perhaps unwittingly, the Mormons who participate in these mixed-orientation relationships increasingly appeal to ideas of sexuality that are similar to postmodern theories of sexual fluidity, as well as classical liberal notions of sexual agency. While critics of My Husband’s Not Gay may see these couples as deluded, some of those critics are also operating on a strict homosexual/heterosexual binary. Mixed-orientation couples acknowledge that while they may not choose their orientation or desires, they can choose with whom to have a relationship. As such, they emphasize their agency, choice, and sexual honesty in response to accusations that they are constrained by their religion.”

So- gay or not gay- I am married to a man who is first and foremost a Son of God, a disciple of Christ, a devoted father and an adoring and hard working husband. That’s all the label he needs.

I would imagine that in the Highest Degrees of Glory, there is a lot of structure.  And within a lot of structure are a lot of rules, requirements, boundaries.  God operates within boundaries, why shouldn’t we?  If this earthly life is a proving ground for the “real thing” then the “real thing” is most likely going to resemble this testing period in some like or manner.  So He gives us rules.  Not arbitrary rules that he tweaks and changes at will, like a game maker who satisfies his need for control by toying with lives and emotions at his pleasure.  Rules that will bring us to Him.  His glory, that will one day be ours.  His greatest glory is our glory.  Do you get that?  It is unlike anything we see here in our lives.  His greatest glory is to see us glorified.  Successful.  Pure.  Like Him. 

So he arranges and teaches and guides and assists in subtle and not-so-subtle ways, all in an effort to BRING US TO HIM.  So if the rules are too strict, or too uncomfortable or too whatever, then there is something amiss IN US.  Not Him. 

He knew we would have desires that were averse to His rules.  He knew we would have to be raked over coals and walked over glass and stretched way beyond our perceived limits in order to be tempered, molded, shaped into creatures that can someday be capable of withstanding the magnitude of His incomprehensible glory. But it is all FOR us.  Not IN SPITE of us. 

The boundaries are loving.  They are His.  They are for OUR GLORY. 

So, what are you going to do with them?

It dawned on me the other day that I’ve become pretty crunchy in my quest for health.  I think the real clincher was when I tossed my last empty deodorant dispenser and bought some of this: Primal Pit Paste.  It’s made from coconut oil, shea butter, and lanolin and doesn’t have all of the additives that shouldn’t go in our body, but somehow are (not) okay to put on our body.  Stuff absorbs through our skin.  Aluminum isn’t great.  I stopped cooking with it, so why am I slathering my pits with it every day?

Anyway, I was worried that this stuff wouldn’t work and I’d go around being smelly in the name of “Health” and “Environmentalism.”  But I was wrong, and it works better than my old deodorant.  It isn’t anti-perspirant, because we need to sweat, but I don’t seem to be perspiring any more than I was before, either.  This is really. Good. Stuff.  When I’m done with this tube, I’m going to make my own.  Yeah, I am.

The next big slap on the forehead realization of my crunchiness was this:

I’ve traded in my tampons for a non-disposable latex menstrual cup.  I cannot get over how much I love this thing.  I know its weird, but through the process of understanding my body, rethinking health and connecting with myself, I have realized how important my cycle is.  Even though my cycle has wreaked havoc on my world to the extent that I could barely function for the first 14 days of every 21 day cycle, I knew that there was purpose to this aspect of my femininity.  And obviously the fluids that come from that part of my body are all a part of this symbiotic relationship.  It isn’t something to just shed and run from, but to pay attention to because it is all part of the story of my health and existence.  We all came from women, and there is greatness in that reproductive process.  We need to honor that.

So I threw out my tampons and bought this.  You just slide it into place, and every so often, you pull it out and empty it into the commode.  Then when it’s all over you give it a good wash, put it into its handmade hand batik-ed (not a word, I know) bag and go on your way.  It doesn’t smell because it seals off and the fluids are not exposed to air.  Some people have a hard time getting it to sit properly, but I had zero problems.  And I’ve saved the best part for last: who knows why (some hypothesize that it’s because of the slight “suctioning” action) but my period lasted THREE DAYS.  And it’s over.

Best $20 I’ve ever spent.

Next post: how I made my own toothpaste.

xo

some days you wake up in pieces, and it is all you can do to just shuffle them around and try to make something of them.

The word gets tossed around a lot.

Like this morning when Mikeal texted to me that I’m amazing.

Yes.  I’m totally amazing.  Amazing that I didn’t shower or get dressed.  That I laid on my bed all day watching motivational videos while the kids watched pbskids on the internet.

Amazing.

I wonder what God really thinks of me on days like this.  Is he saying, “geez, girl!  You’ve got it in you to do more than this!  Come on!  I know you can do it!”  Sort of like me watching Project Runway and watching the pitifully sub-par creations that the contestants repeatedly hand in.  “how did they get on this show in the first place?”  “how did she make it past the war in heaven?”

These days are coming more frequently.  This week because there is pressure to perform- the kids are on spring break.  It’s also “that time of the month”.  I’m also on my last seven pills.  And I’m gaining weight, which is so much worse on my self esteem than I would ever care to admit.

The negative tapes running through my brain are getting louder and more incessant.  And it’s raining.

I have concrete plans in the morning tomorrow which will be good.  It will get me out of bed and showered first thing, which will boost my confidence.  Momentum on days like today is crucial.

So, why am I amazing?  Somewhere inside this shell is a divine entity. And she is amazing.  Maybe that’s what he was referring to in that text.

“1 Nephi 16: 18 And it came to pass that as I, Nephi, went forth to slay food, behold, I did break my bow, which was made of fine ^asteel;

21 Now it came to pass that I, Nephi, having been afflicted with my brethren because of the loss of my bow, and their bows having lost their ^asprings, it began to be exceedingly difficult, yea, insomuch that we could obtain no food.

22 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did speak much unto my brethren, because they had hardened their hearts again, even unto ^acomplaining against the Lord their God.

23 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, did ^amake out of wood a bow, and out of a straight stick, an arrow; wherefore, I did arm myself with a bow and an arrow, with a sling and with stones. And I said unto my ^bfather: Whither shall I go to obtain food?”

My bow had lost its spring a long, long time ago, yet I still was trying to force it to function and then getting upset at the lack of positive results.  Antidepressants were supposed to make me happy regardless of my negative thought patterns, and poor behavioral habits.  I wanted no part in taking responsibility of my healing.

I don’t really fault myself.  It was what I was capable of understanding.  I was told and I readily accepted that I had a “chemical imbalance” in my brain, and this little pill would set it right.

(don’t you love how the medical community will make statements “with certainty” which they turn back on many years later?  It is 30 years after the invention of Prozac that they are finally admitting to the fact that they “never really knew” that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance.  sheesh.)

Whatever the cause of the depression, there are universal truths that will heal your heart and mind- at least to a point where you can experience life with some amount of peace.  Not saying that it will ever be simple or easy, but with a very large dose of persistence, patience and kindness toward oneself, it can be done.  But I’m no expert- just a fellow sufferer on the journey.

Mandi’s Guide to Healing Depression: 🙂

1)Every day needs to contain a balance of the following:

Intellectual stimulation

Social interaction

Good nutrition (this does NOT mean following the food pyramid or the recommendations of a Registered Dietitian -unless they are also trained in integrative health, and/or nutritional healing) which may involve supplementation depending on your weak spots

Physical activity- strenuous if possible- but enough to “feel your human-ness”

Communication with and an ongoing relationship to a Higher Power

2) Regular experiences with the following: (your definition of “regular”)

Service outside of yourself

Artistic expression (whatever is “art” to you- to some it is chemistry, to some it is paint, to others it is culinary)

Nature/ pure creation

3) Ongoing (possibly lifetime) behavioral therapy with a trained professional to change negative thought patterns

This is actually a list that every human being would benefit from, but extra heed must be paid if you struggle with daily life.

I wrote my last post on this blog on Oct. 15, after starting my gradual detox from Cymbalta.  Things were a little rough.  I found that rather than a 10% drop in dosage every 10 days, I can remove one extra ball from inside the capsule every day.  That way I wasn’t going through major shock every other week.  MUCH smoother ride.  I am now happy to say that I’m halfway through (I took Dec. off for the most part) and feeling quite good.  Not every day is amazing, many days are still really hard.  But rather than get hung up on the dark feelings, I take a step back from them and observe them with detachment.  They are merely feelings after all, not reality.

My energy level is slowly returning, and I am finding it difficult to detach from the disappointment in the pure exhaustion of daily life.  I hope for more energy as the norepinephrine/adrenal hormone dampening effect of the cymbalta is cleansed from my system. I am running consistently, which gets me outside.  I continue to follow my nutrition plan- which is nothing short of miraculous.  The Word of Wisdom contains beautiful truths that are still unfolding to me as time passes.

I have immersed myself in my calling as the Young Women President.  I do believe that this one thing has made more of an impact on my depression and healing than any other one thing.  It has caused me to search my soul and communicate with my Father to truly understand what I believe.  I have found out many, many precious truths that have eternally altered my perspective.  I no longer have a need to dabble in things of no consequence (well, except facebook …)  The things that don’t matter have just fallen away, and I am so much lighter.  I will share more about these experiences in the future.

So there you have it.  Depression is hard and painful and grueling and discouraging beyond belief.  But there is a way out:

Doctrine and Covenants 121: 7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

mood: positive

energy level (1-10): 3

diet: ezekiel w/peanut butter, egg, clif fruit bar, cashews, raisins dried apricots and bananas, tuna w/mayo and greens

weather: sunny and warm- beautiful autumn day!

menstrual cycle: day 6

medication: cymbalta 20

supplements: multi, flax, iron, magnesium, ginger root, probiotic, krill oil

daily routine/me time: none

overall health: VERY lethargic,  lightly stuffy head, turning to sinus pain.  Opened the windows for the last two days to air out the house, but it is letting in all the allergens.  Can’t win this one.

relationships: kids-good.  Husband- good, out of town. Friends- neutral

stress load: low

Sleep: decent- with mikeal gone, I have been staying up too late.

mood: positive

energy level (1-10): .5

diet: ezekiel w/peanut butter, clif fruit bar, almonds and raisins, slice of homemade wheat bread and butter, chick fil a nuggets, sip of lemonade, 4 small squares green & black’s 70% chocolate

weather: sunny and cool- beautiful autumn day!

menstrual cycle: day 4

medication: cymbalta 20

supplements: multi, flax, iron, magnesium, ginger root, probiotic

daily routine/me time: scriptures

overall health: VERY lethargic, lightheaded, lightly stuffy head

relationships: kids-good.  Husband- good to great. Friends- neutral

stress load: moderate- too much to do on zero energy.  Will I EVER get my car vacuumed out?

Sleep: decent- woke up at 3 to send Mikeal off on a trip, went back to bed.  Took 2 hour nap in afternoon.