WILL I BE OKAY???
Where do I go from here?
Faith.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
My head feels like it's under water. Not knowing which way is up or down. Where do I go from here. Always bugging God wondering what's going to happen. It's all for the best. God works for the good of those who He has called according to His purpose. Am I called? I think so. Am I drunk? Maybe. Am I confused? Definitely. I want to know. God tell me, where do I go from here. It's a secret. It's a plan. Trust me. HOW? How, when I can't know? I read the last page first in every book I've ever read. I want to read my last page. I want to know I'm going to be okay. You'll be okay; God's looking out for you. HOW? Eternal life. Salvation. Propitiation. Atonement. I know these things. BUT. Will I have a job? Will I have friends? Will I be okay?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Romans 12:18
Romans 12:18 says "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone."
When I look back on the times this verse has changed my life for the better, I'm overwhelmed. I remember the first time I looked at this verse specifically. Sarah, my always wise mentor, revealed it to me when I was asking her for advice about what to do about a friend with whom I'd had a falling out.
I've had a lot of falling outs in my lifetime. I'm sure others must have, too, but I feel like I have too many. I pretty much started out life by falling out with my dad, and I've harbored a lot of anger since then. Since childhood I felt anger before I could even know the word. Anger at being abandoned, forgotten. Then my mother made an unfortunate choice for my stepfather, and I had more anger. Anger that she didn't choose me. Anger that he didn't see me as his daughter but rather as one to be tolerated in his house. Anger that he didn't financially support but drained my mom. Feeling anger at such a young age, I've grown accustomed to it to the point that anger seems natural. It's like a malignant tumor spreading through my body without my even realizing it until it's too late, and I've lost a friend.
The abandonment issue is the thing that most readily makes me angry. It's really sadness that manifests as anger because anger is easier for me to control. When I feel abandoned, I close off. I want to forget that person mattered to me because I want to forget I was abandoned by them.
I honestly believe that you're better off without some people, and just because you remove them from your life doesn't mean you aren't at peace with them. The first time I was really burdened by a falling out was in college. I had been friends with her for over a decade, and I let my anger and sadness go too far. I was burdened for two years, missing her but feeling too abandoned to recognize my wrongness. Finally, in light of this verse and thanks to Sarah's godly guidance I contacted my friend and now she is once again one of the dearest people to me. Even if only for this reason, I thank God for this verse.
This verse also helped reconcile me with my dad (with whom I hadn't spoken for four years), it taught me how to get peace with a former best friend because even though reconciliation wasn't possible from his perspective, I had done what I could do, and now it will help me with a friend I lost a few months ago.
It doesn't quite seem that I've been in Chicago long enough to have made and lost friends, but there is one whose friendship has slipped through my fingers. He was a dear friend, but he has some characteristics and behavior patterns I find it difficult to respect, and he drug my best friend into them. My irritation escaladed out of control, and we didn't speak for months until Wes and I saw him at the grocery store last night. I texted him last night saying we should talk, and he said he'd like that. My goal is to have peace with him because Paul's right. Sometimes we can't be at peace because we can't control the actions of others, but so far as ourselves are concerned, peace with everyone would truly be a Utopia, and I know from experience that it's hard and scary to put yourself out there, but God sees His will done, and he looks out for those who try to please Him.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Boxes
I also have two new temporary roommates. It's really interesting to see how having roommates I like changes my outlook on life. They are both so cool. One's a dancer and the other is a doctor, so they're both really interesting, too.
All of my friends got together for the Fourth, and we had such a great time. I have such great friends here. It really is amazing.
So I find myself again packing up my life to move to my new studio apartment. I'm just glad I'm only going a couple of blocks this time. It does have me thinking about how much my life has changed since the last time I did this. When I left Bowling Green, I was scared. But looking back, there was nothing to be scared of. I've pretty much conquered Chicago, and I have all of these great people in my life.
These people love me, not only at my best but at my worst. If I had known these people were waiting for me when I left Bowling Green, my last night there would have probably produced a lot less tears. I'm proud of myself for being brave, for going against the wishes of my family and the trends of my hometown. I'm living the life I've chosen, and I love it.
Monday, June 20, 2011
Summer
What a perfect ending to a crazy school year. With Wes being gone, I've had to be more resourceful when it comes to friends which really worked in my favor. I've realized I do have more than one friend and they are all pretty awesome. I'm really happy with my first school year in Chicago. I've gotten all A's so far, I'm stoked with my work and what I've learned and accomplished, and made some good school friends.
I mentioned I spent the weekend in Libby's lake house. Libby drove us there, and Missy joined us for Friday night. Two of Libby's brothers came too, and for Friday and Saturday, her boyfriend Alex. It was so relaxing. We laid on the beach, I got sunburned, we shopped, drank, and played games.
This weekend I'm going to Carbondale to see Wes's show and drive back up with him. I can't wait to see him again! I'm just so excited that it's summer and I can read and write and do whatever I want to. I feel so free, and the possibilities of this city are endless.
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Lake House
This weekend I'm staying with Libby in her family's lake house on Lake Michigan. It's so beautiful. I feel like every worry or concern I had in Chicago just melted away when we got here. The house is huge and impressive. In Libby's words "excessive." Enough bedrooms for everyone to get their own and bathrooms and walk-in closets in them. I feel like a princess staying in this room. This morning I'm up before everyone else (or they were all up super early and have all gone somewhere....). I'm laying in bed with the door to the balcony open listening to the waves. This world is perfect.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
To The World
Well, hi there, world. I've known you for almost 25 years now, and I've still yet to understand anything you say. True, I spend most of my time ignoring you in favor of my own fantasy world, but that's not my fault. It's just that mine's better. Sorry to say.
In my fantasy world, I don't walk past the doorway to a store shut down for the night and see a homeless person sleeping there.
But let's be real, most of my fantasy world is about me. In my fantasy world, my emotions don't get the best of me. I'm not controlling or possessive even as I see how ridiculous I am. I am not needy. I am self-sufficient and independent. In my fantasy world, everyone loves me (except those I don't care about). In my fantasy world, I'm a writer, an actress, a singer, Mrs. Robert Pattinson, a tribute in the Hunger Games, a princess, immortal, Mrs. Jimmy Fallon, whatever I want.
But you, world, when you come upon me, it's like I'm standing in the shower, vulnerable, under ice cold water. My skin prickles up into bumps, my teeth chatter, I convulse uncontrollably as I realize just how harsh a realization it is that my fantasies will never be completely reconciled to you, to the rules of your system. The system of the world's natural order and the systems our societal ancestors have set up before us to hold us back, the ones we'll spend our whole life's working against, the ones that will kill us in the end.
And as we lie there, writhing from the pain of a life spent in a box someone else made for us, we'll wonder why we did it. And try our damnedest to convince ourselves it was worth it.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
The Ends of The World
What an amazing couple of days I've had. Just the kind of amazing in which it is revealed to you just how amazing your regular life is. Sometimes I can't believe that this life is my regular life. I think about my life 10 years ago: a freshman at Hazard High School wondering if I'd ever make it out of those mountains alive before they suffocated me. Wondering if I'd ever find a place where I'd fit in, where people understand me without even trying, where ambition isn't a four letter word.
Well, I've found it. As it turns out, I'm not that different after all.
Last night was Tuesday. Some of you may know that Tuesdays have turned into a kind of friend night in which Wes and I hang out after school/rehearsal. Last night we met up with John Mark and walked to the lake. We live quite close to the lake, and it was warmer than it has been. When we got there, the lights of the Chicago skyline stared back at us and beyond that to to the left, black water. Wes made the comment that it looked like we had just walked to the end of the world. What if the end of the world were 4 blocks from your apartment? Sometimes it feels that way doesn't it. Like your life is the world. But it's not. Not even close. Looking at the city, it becomes clear that there are so many people going about their business totally unaware of my existence. I'll never meet them, but they're a part of me because we walk the same streets. We see the same homeless guy; we both gave him a dollar. I bought a sandwich she made before she left work. I'm a part of them. We ride the same train.
It was so beautiful. I never get tired of it, the beauty of the city. We were far enough from downtown to see the entire skyline and even a few stars. I am truly blessed that God led me here. We sat facing it and talked for an hour or so. Then we walked home. I walked home barefoot.
Just happiness.
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