From our perspective

So many times I have opened my blog to write something, but I just stare at the page, then close the lap top and leave.  I used to be so many things, love so many things, do so many things. But then I stopped. You know the saying you have to lose yourself to find yourself.  I would say that over these past 5 years, I lost myself.  If I were to look at my blogging, it stopped after we went to law school.  Something that I had a choice to do, but didn't *really* have a choice to do.  Brad wanted to go to law school, and in order to do so, I needed to work.  I didn't want to work, but I needed to.  How is that a choice?  So I gave of myself and said I would work so he could go.  So he could create a better life for us and for him.  I wanted him to do something that he would be happy doing, so I went back to work for him.  I hated it.  Hate would be saying it nicely.  I had 2 boys that I would munch on during the week and when my number was called I would work 5, 12 hour NIGHT shifts, in a row.  Sleep 5 hrs in the morning while they were at a sitter, pick them up, feed them, attempt housework, and go back to work as Brad walked back in the door from school.  I was tired, I was half a mom, I was half a nurse.  I stopped reading for pleasure, I stopped blogging as a passion, I stopped photography, everything stopped as I struggled for air.  My boys were my lifeline. Only them mattered, I would spend my time for them.  I have sharp memories of waking up, feeling stale and taking my boys to the mainstreet fountain, something they loved, so I would feel like a good mom.  My eyes burned, my face felt stiff as I smiled to show them I loved them.  Because I did. I felt like this but I never told anyone.  I wanted to look as if I was happy.  Why I cared what others thought is beyond me, but then again, I lost who I was-- I was who I thought people wanted me to be.  I wanted to appear as this amazing hard working wife, who could handle everything. Joke's on me.

I get so mad at myself for not fighting harder for me. Here I am, finally a SAHM. and a terrible one.  I worked 8 years as a night shift nurse, so the house always came last, we ate out more than I like to admit, I never did laundry consistently, ever. Then boom, I finally got what I wanted, and  suck at it! I finally have a house to call my own and I have no idea how to keep it.  I would say I love organization, but my house is disorganized, I finally do laundry every Tuesday, meal plans are a joke.  WHAT is going on!? I am fighting to get myself back, I'm so close. I am happier. So much happier without worrying about working. Now I can focus on me, my family and my home. Finally.

Spider-Man!

Harry potter. My mom made that Amazing hooded cape for him. She just whipped it up in a few days without a pattern. Sure love my mom!

We had a superhero party for them. My mom made these incredible superhero capes for every kid that came. They got to decorate the back with their name and wear them throughout the party to help with their superhero adventures. 

Checking out their presents. 

Back in September, Brad became, Brad Puffpaff attorney at law! It was an exciting day for everyone. Brads mom flew in for the swearing in ceremony. We all dressed up and headed to the courthouse to see a group of young and eager for life swear that they would uphold the Oath of Attorney. I secretly cried and tried to wipe away my tears as quickly as they came. It's a start to a new chapter in our life! What an amazing journey. He is for real, so if you need any legal advice, look him up! :)

Waiting for it to start with both grandmas!
Brad swearing that he will be an honest attorney. 
Brad and his mama. She has been his #1 fan and a continuous source of support for our little family!
My little stowaways hiding in the law library during the reception. 
Official family of B.L. Puffpaff, Attorney at law!

My favorite picture. My three boys!!

It looks like Ethan has been working hard on his math work at school.  I love his comments on the bottom of EVERY page we get home from school!


It is about time to post that I am expecting baby #3!  We are so super excited, it has been a long road and a long time coming.  When we started law school, Brad and I wanted another baby, but then we went to school...  I had to take on a lot of responsibility by working full time nights putting Brad through school and also being a full time mom and wife.  I was stretched so thin I often wonder how we made it through.  It was difficult to say the least.  There would have been no way to add being pregnant and a brand new baby on top of it all.  So we waited, patiently, for the right time to come.  We moved in with my parents while Brad finishes law school and takes the bar (in July!!), which has been a HUGE blessing.  My parents love my boys while I work, they get spoiled by family, and so do I.

One day Gavin came to lay on me while I was on the couch.  He usually cuddles right up and fits perfectly.  I snuggled him close as he closed his eyes, his breathing got heavy and his legs and arms sprawled past me on the couch.  I about died right there.  When did my baby grow up so fast?  His chubby legs have become lean and strong. His face has thinned into a mature 4 year old and his excitement for life is expressed in his conversations with me.  Where did the thumb sucking baby go, that fit perfectly in my arms?  I now have a child who lays next to me instead of on my lap.  I have held on to my children to get me through the tough patches of life.  They bring so much joy and light, I absolutely LOVE being a mom.  To know that I would not have anymore children was like a part of my heart was stolen.  I knew it was time for another, and so did Brad.

I was so happy to find out that I was pregnant.  It has been a while, so reality came quickly with all day long morning sickness.  I can truly say I have been miserable.  HOW do we get through this and continue to have children! Haha! Luckily, my parents have allowed me to sleep through the worst of my sickness while they manage the boys.  That has been my saving grace.  I am 12 weeks, so I am hoping it will ease up soon, yikes!  Ethan absolutely loves knowing we are going to have a baby.  We told him first, but to keep it a secret until we had the ultrasound.  He was obviously too excited, and drew pictures and comments on his papers that I was pregnant!  His teacher was the first to find out, haha!  He often comes up to my belly to talk to the baby.  When I am throwing up, he pats my back and reminds me that the baby is just growing.  I sure do love my oldest boy!!  I feel SO blessed to be adding another precious child to the Puffpaffs!

As of late I have felt seemingly uninspired, detached or blah-ish.  I can't even come up with a word to describe what I have been feeling. Uninspired seemingly works best, if it can work at all.  I think with the move, new job, kids growing up and me coming "home" did me in.  It has made me recollect of who I am and who I thought I wanted to be when I was thirty.

The thought came to me as I was standing in my dad's office, which used to be my bedroom, except now it is painted over and filled with my dads business stuff.  I remember sitting on the ground in that room next to the heater spending hours and hours contemplating life while the heater burned my back, then legs and then bum as I would rotate spots while dreaming about my life or talking on the phone with girlfriends about my future.  I stood by that heater and thought "I am here, in my future, what have I become?"

Quite a daunting thought, as I could remember vividly what my legs felt like 14 yrs ago, as the heater warmed them to an almost blister before I would rotate sides, as if I was there doing it now.  Here I am, meeting my past with my future. I almost expected chimes and a wind to blow the papers around to like a freaky Friday incident.  No one showed up from my past, I didn't switch places with anyone, but I could feel my 16 yr old self.  She was wild at heart, hopeful and energetic, careless and excited to venture on.  I remember her, that is REMEMBER but now I am reserved and responsible.  I do not draw or paint like she used to.  I do not take pictures like she used to.  I do not look for artists and music like she used to.  I do not go out to search for fun and new things. I do not face new things with confidence and a smile like she used to.  I do things that are safe, usual and predictable.  I wonder if everyone could remember what they were when they were 16, would they feel like me?  Does age make us this way, or is it my life that had led me to smooth out the sharp edges and unique spots to a flat stone?

I expected me at 30 to be more.  More loving. More fun. More laughs. More smart.  More kids.  More money.  More happiness.  More carefree.  More time. More creative. More myself...

I used to love to write, and read and grow from it.  I felt I let myself spill out on paper or relate to a character in a book that I would allow them to spill out in my life.  I loved the romance life offered.  The beauty.  It made me want to go dig out my journals of past, which I cannot find.  But to live that life again, to have that feeling of standing on the edge breathing in the fresh air just waiting for the next exciting thing.  I feel grounded now, and can't remember the last time I was anticipating the next exciting thing.  Maybe that is what 30 is about?  Or maybe I have let myself be boarded up with things that I thought were more important than, me.

I'm glad that I found my 16 year old self.  Because now I can remember me, and remember that life is quite still romantic and that I now have 3 boys to bring on my adventures.  I feel quite lucky because I don't want to be this thirty, I want to be that thirty, and I don't know if I would have realized this unless I had that moment in my old bedroom.  I am hopeful that this will change my uninspired to inspired, I just have to let it.