So many times I have opened my blog to write something, but I just stare at the page, then close the lap top and leave. I used to be so many things, love so many things, do so many things. But then I stopped. You know the saying you have to lose yourself to find yourself. I would say that over these past 5 years, I lost myself. If I were to look at my blogging, it stopped after we went to law school. Something that I had a choice to do, but didn't *really* have a choice to do. Brad wanted to go to law school, and in order to do so, I needed to work. I didn't want to work, but I needed to. How is that a choice? So I gave of myself and said I would work so he could go. So he could create a better life for us and for him. I wanted him to do something that he would be happy doing, so I went back to work for him. I hated it. Hate would be saying it nicely. I had 2 boys that I would munch on during the week and when my number was called I would work 5, 12 hour NIGHT shifts, in a row. Sleep 5 hrs in the morning while they were at a sitter, pick them up, feed them, attempt housework, and go back to work as Brad walked back in the door from school. I was tired, I was half a mom, I was half a nurse. I stopped reading for pleasure, I stopped blogging as a passion, I stopped photography, everything stopped as I struggled for air. My boys were my lifeline. Only them mattered, I would spend my time for them. I have sharp memories of waking up, feeling stale and taking my boys to the mainstreet fountain, something they loved, so I would feel like a good mom. My eyes burned, my face felt stiff as I smiled to show them I loved them. Because I did. I felt like this but I never told anyone. I wanted to look as if I was happy. Why I cared what others thought is beyond me, but then again, I lost who I was-- I was who I thought people wanted me to be. I wanted to appear as this amazing hard working wife, who could handle everything. Joke's on me.
I get so mad at myself for not fighting harder for me. Here I am, finally a SAHM. and a terrible one. I worked 8 years as a night shift nurse, so the house always came last, we ate out more than I like to admit, I never did laundry consistently, ever. Then boom, I finally got what I wanted, and suck at it! I finally have a house to call my own and I have no idea how to keep it. I would say I love organization, but my house is disorganized, I finally do laundry every Tuesday, meal plans are a joke. WHAT is going on!? I am fighting to get myself back, I'm so close. I am happier. So much happier without worrying about working. Now I can focus on me, my family and my home. Finally.
