Monica the Mighty

I have adopted children twice in my lifetime, once in 2006 for Evan and Mariah and once for Marissa, Stephan and Emily just short of six weeks ago.  .

Evan, the first day I met him

The two experiences couldn't have been more different.  For Evan and Mariah, I flew with 14 month old Jaxon almost 24 hours to land in a country I only knew existed because I looked it up on a map.  The morning after arrival, with little more than a knock on my door, I was handed my soon to be son (almost 3) and an hour later, with another knock my soon to be daughter (almost 2 weeks old) was placed in my arms. What I didn't know about these two children far outweighed what I did know.  I knew that the infant had been "dumped"  at a bus stop near a hospital, probably on the day she was born.  I knew that the little boy's mother had died in childbirth, that his grandmother cared for him until she also died and he then spent the rest of his short life in a local orphanage.  I didn't know anything about their family history or the circumstances that led them to being left in the hands of strangers, I didn't know their health history, I didn't know a word of the language the little boy chattered at me, I didn't know what they liked, what they ate, how to put them to bed, I didn't know if they had been treated well or suffered abuse, I didn't even really know their birthdays or the names their mothers had called them.  

Mariah, still in Zambia

The adoption happened the next day in a Zambian courtroom.  In attendance was a questionable social worker, myself, my 14 month old son, my soon to be adopted 3 year old and a very intimidating judge.  I had been advised to leave the baby girl in the care of her foster family because of her young age, which I did.  The courtroom was barely wide enough for the unpretentious  table and the ten or so chairs around  its perimeter.  The judge sat at the head of the table and practically grunted questions at me.  He was obviously displeased that I didn't know the address of the guesthouse I was staying at and raised a disapproving eyebrow when told that I hadn't brought the infant with me.  In the end he signed his signature and I left the courthouse with papers validating the adoption and an unsettled feeling in my stomach. There  was no one to cheer the additions to our family, no one to cry happy tears as the judge declared the children ours, no streamers, no banners, no gifts, just me and three very young, very bewildered children.  It would be another three weeks of frustration and red tape and before I could take my children home and introduce John to his new son and daughter.

What a different experience when we adopted Marissa, Stephan and Emily.  Not only did we know so many of their "facts" on adoption day, we already had a deep love and a blossoming relationship with them.  It was a day we were anticipating together, a day we talked about, planned for, got excited about together.  Rather than the forging of family bonds between strangers, we were solidifying family bonds that were already strong.  At this adoption, we had family and friends celebrating with us, cheering for us.  I knew every single person in the room by then in one way or another.  

It's Really the Gavel that Makes it Official

John and I sat together with Emily in our laps, Marissa at our side and Stephan running unhindered around the courtroom.  Behind us sat each of our other children and rows of loved ones there to offer support. We were asked to commit that we would treat these children, from that moment on as if they had been born to us.  We were happy to make that promise.  We were asked talk about our feelings for these three and with tears in our eyes and love in our hearts we shared.   

The judge invited us to join her so that the children could also add their signatures (or scribbles representing signatures) to the adoption decree, giving their stamp of approval to this expansion of family.  Marissa banged the gavel and it was done.  The whole time the room thrummed with warmth and welcoming, or maybe that was just my heart overflowing with emotion.

With Our Cheering Section

Instead of returning to a rented room in a strange city to juggle the care of an infant, a toddler and a two year old by myself, this time we cheered as a family, smiled for pictures, congratulated each other and shared in the occasion with the celebration it deserved.

We had already been acting as a family, as Mom and Dad, the day in court just made it official.

Two adoptions on opposite sides of the globe, one after knowing each other a day, the other after caring for each other for over a year and a half, add in the children born to us and we have grown our family in a number of very different ways.  No matter the location, the age, the relationship when each of our children became "officially" ours, at this point that day was just one of many.   It's not the judge that creates a family bond, it's the day in day out caring, doing, serving, and sharing with each other that creates the real family bond and we build on that bond every single day.  

Our New and Yet Not So New Kids

Do you know how hard it has been to keep these beauties a secret?  I guess it's not secret, so much as following the state's guidelines for privacy, but it seems to amount to the same thing.  Marissa (age 9) and Stephan (two weeks shy of two years) were place with our family in July of 2012 when they were seven years and three months old.  Seven weeks later, their 15 year old half sister, Jezi,  moved in as well.    Baby Emily (8 months) came to us just days after her birth in July of last year. They have been an integral, loved part of our family for the last 21 months.  It was near impossible to share the escapades of our family while keeping these four out of all pictures, stories, reports, so I stopped blogging.  If  you press me, I might also admit that my time and energy have been so wrapped up in caring for our many children, that there was no way to squeeze in writing about our life as we were living it.

Beautiful Jezi

Things have taken quite a turn and we will be adopting Marissa, Stephan and Emily next month!  Don't think that our love for Jezi is any less than for the other three, circumstances just make it so that adoption is not in the cards.  That said, we love that she will be here in our family and our home as she prepares for adulthood and anticipate our relationship extending well past the time she sets out on her own.

So by way of formal introductions:

Jezi is 16.  She has a talent and a love for modern dance.  She has been a valued employee at Skippers for just over 8 months.  She is a very hard worker and has a fierce determination when it comes to achieving her goals.  She has a very nice boyfriend who she enjoys spending (lots of) time with.  She is a great big sister and she has a really sweet relationship with her sister, Marissa.

Marissa is 9.  She loves horses more than anything else in the world.  She has horse stuffed animals, horse pictures, horse books.  We were able to find a program last Summer where she could ride horses every Wednesday and we discovered that she has quite a natural aptitude as a rider.  Academics don't come easy to her, but she makes up for that with the same determination as her older sister.  She has made amazing strides in school in the last year and overcome some real challenges.  She is an amazing young lady with an enthusiasm for life.

Stephan is almost 2.  He has more energy than the Energizer Bunny.  He loves to run and jump and throw things.  He is incredibly coordinated, he can throw a ball with precise accuracy, which is a problem only when he's aiming for someone's head. Verbal communication is not his strength and we have early intervention making regular visits to help him with speech and sensory processing issues.  He makes us laugh every single day.

Emily is 8 months and is so happy and smiley.  With so many older brothers and sisters, she is doted on, catered to and loved every minute of every day. Like her big brother, she is also involved with early intervention.  We have an amazing physical therapist that is helping her mostly with delayed gross motor skills. She can roll from back to belly like a pro, but she is stuck when she gets to her belly.  She has just started scooting, although she seems to only be able to scoot in tight little circles. Somehow she works herself backwards during her circles and more than once I've had to pull her out from under furniture that she's backed under.

All three of our soon to be adopted ones have significant challenges, but they also have great strengths as well.

Welcome to the family kids, we love you to the moon and back!

Mariah came with me to drop *Ladybug* off at school.  We walked all the way in to the classroom and as we were walking out an older (white) mom of an eleven or twelve year old (black) girl passed us.  The girl exclaimed at Mariah's hair "Oh, I love her hair!  Wow, I love her hair!  My mom won't take the time to do my hair like that."

Because I always support parents, I gave her a warm smile and said, "Maybe you could earn some money and go get it done at the salon."

The mom asked all the usual questions:  Who did her hair, how long did it take, etc.  I gave all the usual answers:  I did, 5 or 6 hours, but it's worth it because it lasts so long.

The mom reached out and picked up one of the braids at the top of Mariah's head and said "Yep, hair just like yours"  as she glanced at her daughter, then back at me "Nasty."

I was so shocked I about had to pick my chin up off the ground.  "She loves her hair and so do I!"  I said keeping the smile plastered on my face.  There were a couple more mundane comments before I could steer Mariah away.  I often wonder what people like that are thinking!  First of all, I would never go up to anyone and declare ANY part of them "Nasty."  Come on, people! Even if someone had a wart the size of my fist growing off of their chin it's only common sense that you don't walk up to them and declare it "Nasty."  Second of all, if you are going to choose to adopt a child with drastically different hair texture, skin color, etc., you better look deep inside yourself and decide BEFOREHAND if you can love those aspects of your child.  Yes, her hair takes different care than mine.  Yes it takes a long stretch of time to do braids.   No, I can't do her hair like mine and expect it to look right.  But there are many things to love about Mariah's hair and I do.  I love her hair, I love the color of it, the texture of it, the feel of it.  I love the art of doing her hair, I love the sound it makes when it's beaded, I love the sponginess of it when it's free, I love the little shakes she gives her head to feel the braids swing.  I wouldn't choose different hair for her if I could.

Before

After

It's amazing how a beard that takes five months to grow, can be completely gone in the span of an hour.

But,  if I am going to suffer through kissing facial hair for that long, at least he lets me have a little fun when the time comes to shave it off.

This is what a happy Monica looks like.

I have started blogging again after falling off the face of the earth, but with the recent death of my daughter, Tabitha, I needed a new blogging home.

You can find me now at: Adventures Beyond Wonderland

10/26/2012 - 2:30pm
My sweet Tabitha is dying. Her brain is no longer functioning like it should and we have come to a place we never wanted to be in, being forced into the position of having to choose to take her off life support and let her die. 

The kids h

Evan loves watching Jazz games with me, probably more than any other child right now. I've taken Ethan & Natalie to Jazz games, but when I was able to get tickets for last night's Dallas Mavericks game, I figured it was a good time for him to have his first live game experience. And my record's on the line. The Jazz are 22-1 when I attend, dating back to 1990. (That loss came to the Thunder when Russell Westbrook outplayed Deron Williams.)

We had nosebleed seats, but I took us down a few rows and no one ever showed up to say those were their seats.

After the game, I took him down to floor level, and Evan was able to get a high-five from 6'10" Big Al Jefferson, who had 28 points and 26 rebounds.