The Organ Grinder's Monkey

I have always been interested in astronomy and as a lad longed for a telescope to peer skyward. Alas they were all very expensive.

I have also always had a fascination for sundials, clocks and weird mechanical mechanisms. As you may expect I have quite a few books on the above subjects.

At this time of the year, when it seems the whole world goes mad to celebrate an instant in time, the big mistake they make, is that they all do it at a different time.

As I write this, they are probably letting off fireworks in Australia and it will be another 20 hours or so before the celebrations start in California.

So you see it is very difficult to celebrate a man made ’time event’ at the same time.

Who decides when the New Year starts?

As there are 365 ¼ days in a year, it starts at a different time EVERY year.

Who decided on twelve months in a year…..and why not thirteen?

What on earth is a week…..seven days! Why seven?

I could go on, but….you see these are all man-made periods (person-made sounds awful).

The calendar is essential but why celebrate the turning of any particular page or the hanging up of a new calendar on the kitchen wall?

Call me Pagan if you like but I see more logic in celebrating the celestial recurring events like the Winter and Summer Solstices and the Spring and Autumn Equinox.

They are unchanging, immovable events and always ’On Time’.

So shall I celebrate my 365 ¼ days of blogging?

No I don’t think so, but what I will do is thank everyone, and I miss no-one out, for dropping in, reading and commenting on some of the most ridiculous rubbish and corny jokes ever to float out of Bourne End.

I have enjoyed it……sometimes I’ve been at a loss for a good story but it has all been a bit of fun.

I have managed to keep up a daily post, but have often wondered if this is wise. Maybe the quality falls off, maybe I repeat myself (a bit like the telly these days!), perhaps I should only write when I have something important.

I was going to reflect on this over the Christmas break, but guess what? I missed you all too much.

So off we go into the man-made year 2010, although I got there on December 22nd, and I want to wish you all that you would wish upon yourselves.

I have no favourites and no awards to make…..with one exception.

That goes to Foody or Singing Chicken as she has shattered the glass on my “Commentometer”. I haven’t counted them all but it must be well over 250 encouraging comments.

But as I said….Thank you all.

See you next year.

Kippers, KD, Dickie and Uncle Bernard. xx

The first person across the threshold on the first day of the New Year is traditionally of great symbolic significance.

In certain parts of the country the very worst omen would be the accidental arrival of a woman on the doorstep. However, here in Buckinghamshire, if a fellow happens to find a woman on his doorstep at 12 o’clock, he can count himself extremely lucky!

So in order to avoid any unsuitable ‘First Footers’ a dark haired handsome man had to be found, although I’m told that in Lincolnshire and Northumberland, a fair haired man would bring sufficient luck to the house in the coming year.

It was possible to increase the luck if the ‘tall dark handsome’ gentleman carried a lump of coal and a hunk of bread; this was to ensure warmth and plenty for the year to come. I would have thought that with todays heating costs, fifteen hundredweight of coal would have been a more welcome gift.

If you wanted the ‘belt and braces’ approach to luck, the gentleman should also bring a green branch and some salt. The branch to symbolise life and salt to ensure wealth??

Today things have changed a bit and we are now told that salt leads to an early grave!

Naturally, this custom was accompanied with much festive food and wine.

I can think of nought to describe the 'Noughties'.

Not good anyway.

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“Did Father Christmas bring you everything you wanted this year? Or were you left with the usual pile of unasked-for smellies, oversized kitchen gadgets and ill-fitting, unflattering clothes?

If so, you are probably not alone. Recent research indicated that British shoppers wasted £1.7 billion on unwanted Christmas presents this year. “

Novelty panties topped (or should that be bottomed?) the list of unwelcome gifts, after all, who wants panties at Christmas?

Maybe in cold wind-swept Devon, where I am told they require fleecy lined sheepskin Directoire style underwear.

Well it appears that musical ties, musical doormats and musical coasters were also cited in the survey by the environmental group ‘Green Thing‘, with mothers-in-law and workmates as the worst donating culprits.

I suggest we have a competion to suggest what tunes these ‘musical’ gifts played. I’ll kick off…..

1) Musical tie - “Ying Tie, ying tie, ying tie, ying tie, ying tie. Tiddle I Po.”

Sorry I’ve just been informed it’s “Ying Tong” so I’ll have to revert to “Tie a Yellow Ribbon on the Olde Oak Tree”.

2) Musical Doormat - “These Boots were made for walking…..and one of these days these Boots are goin’ to walk all over you.”

3)Musical Coasters - “Oh, I do like to be beside the Seaside”

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Trust you are all enjoying yourselves.

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She is a Shetland pony owned by Sandra Ponder who has named her Lucy.

The big fellow, a 10 year old called Poe, belongs to a Miss Thompson. He measures 20.2 hands – or 80.8 inches.

And a silly verse...

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I was just beginning to enjoy the run up to Christmas and now that Parliament has folded up I was not expecting to get wound up and angry for several weeks but…

This in the Sunday papers made my blood boil, even though it is -4'C outside!

Village hall dances and other charity events face a new £20 million tax after Scrooge Mandyson scrapped an opt-out which allowed voluntary organisations to play recorded music.

Community groups said last night they would be forced to abandon hundreds of services for the elderly and children because of the new rules.

Abolition of the so-called PPL exemption will affect charity discos, tea dances, youth clubs, salsa groups, sports clubs, coffee mornings and even charity shops which have a radio in their staff room.

In its own impact assessment the Government admits that it will cost voluntary groups £20 million a year and will be "highly detrimental". Some organisations will "cease playing music" because they cannot afford a license, and it will hit a quarter of a million organisations - 140,000 charities, 6,750 charity shops, 66,440 sports clubs, 4,000 community buildings, 5,000 rural halls and 45,000 religious buildings.

The shadow minister for charities, said: "This is another Liebour assault on the fabric of British community life. Having shut down post offices and local pubs, Liebour's Whitehall bureaucrats now have village halls, scout huts and churches in their sights.

Fancy raising this during the run up to Christmas! I understand there is a campaign being set up to oppose it as it is nothing short of a heartless tax on Christmas discos and dances in community buildings across the country.

The cash, I gather, is handed to organisations which pass on royalty payments to musicians and songwriters who you can bet your bottom dollar are not ‘short of a few bob’.

Outrageous!

At least they haven’t gone for us ’live performers’…….yet.

After all that, it's hard to get back into a good mood....still let's have a go.

Sign seen in a Mothercare shop….

And....

There was once an old person of Tring

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What on earth is a "Christmas tingle"?

At first I thought it must be an electric shock from a faulty Christmas tree light.

No, it was a typo, they meant to say "Christlingle".

No, someone else chipped in...it's a "Christingle".

Oh well, however it's spelt, it's a new one on me. So I had to look it up.

It appears to be ..... an orange with a candle stuck in it, and lots of sweets on swizzle sticks poking out.

And the significance of the various bits is:-

Orange = the world

Red ribbon around - Christ's blood

4 sticks - compass points

Sweets or raisins - food provided by God

Candle (or Glow Stick!) - Light of Christ's love shining over the world.

And there was I, thinking that oranges were for eating.

From Harrods - 'Very Gold'. Luxury gifts include MP3 player, £599 for six.

From Highgrove - 'Luxury Red' - with truffles and silver decoration, £29.95 each.

I could go on, but enough of this trivia. Let's gets down to a couple of jokes for Foody to put in her home-made Crackers.

A woman was driving up the M5 doing a legal 70mph in the centre lane, the only thing wrong was that she was knitting at the same time with her hands between the steering spokes!

A police car came up behind and saw what she was doing. On goes the blue light; they come along side; the policeman winds down his window and shouts to her…

“Pull over!”

“No,” she shouted back. “Pair of socks!”

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A lady goes into the local fishmonger.

“I’d like two fillets of plaice, please.” she said.

“I’m sorry, madam, but we’ve sold out of plaice. How about cod?”

“OK, I’ll have two fillets of plaice.”

“I’m sorry, madam, but we’ve sold out of plaice. Why not try a nice wing of skate?“

“OK, I’ll have two fillets of plaice.”

This infuriated the fishmonger, who asked the customer, “If you take the C out of cod you get “od”. If you take the S out of skate you get “kate”. What do you get if you take the “Flip” out of plaice?”

The lady thought for a moment, then replied,

“But there ain’t no “Flip” in plaice.“

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you,” said the fishmonger.

Now there is a rude version of this on the web. It’s called the ‘Broccoli’ joke and it’s on a site called ‘oldjewstellingjokes.com’

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Yes, a Lavatory Brush. Or four to be more precise. I was looking for a green one, but this is the best I could find.

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During Victorian times, people started using small toys, silver stars and small wooden carvings. Now I do not have any of our original tree decoration, apart from the candles, but I do still use three little figures that my sister made for me some thirty years ago. Thanks Jean xxx.

Overheard in the PO queue yesterday.....

Do you know I have just read that this year someone has produced a safety leaflet to help singers avoid the pitfalls of performing Silent Night or Once in Royal David's City in a suburban street or local shopping centre.

In case there are singers out there lacking any common sense, the Carol Singing Guide warns: "Never sing in the road."

Naked flames can also be dangerous, it reminds festive souls, telling them: "Don't carry candles if they're not protected by a lantern."

And for those thinking of sending their young sons and daughters out at night to do some carol singing for them Ecclesiastical has these stern words: "Ensure children are always accompanied by an adult."

These are some of the words of advice from its well intentioned guide, which runs to four pages.

In another paper I read that the Rev. Nick Baines, the Bishop of Croydon, said some of the nation's favourite carols were 'embarrassing' and 'inaccurate'.

And he warned that the songs encouraged people to regard the story of Christ's birth in the same light as Father Christmas or a pantomime tale.

And.....this year, I wrote all my cards early and have just posted them all off.

Christmas cards don't seem to have any attachments to music, unless you count in those awful, toe-curling cards that play an excuse for "Jingle Bells" when you open them.

My apologies to anyone who likes them. No offence meant.

However, I've been looking through a book which had loads of old Christmas cards shown.

This one amused me......I think that is meant to be Father Christmas in the wheel-barrow.

Is it a kidnap or perhaps she's just taking him home to meet her father?

As always Pam Ayres sums thing up to a tee.....

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I quite like acronyms although most of the time I end up trying to guess what they stand for (ie Kath‘s cat - DP?)...."Dirty Paws?"

I know of nimbys and yuppies;

I’ve heard of dinkies and skids but haven‘t the foggiest idea what they are!

Well now the latest I have come across are “kippers“.

Well if I hadn’t been told I would have thought they were something to do with UKIP but no! Kippers are “Kids In Parents’ Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings.” There is also one very similar to this where the parents were spending the money…."Ski" ing…”Spending Kids Inheritance”.

Unlike the others, kippers carries with it a whiff of bad feeling, which may not be there at all.

I gather the word is not entirely new as an acronym and has probably been around for at least five years.

What has been happening recently is that with a huge increase in house prices, older adult children, are increasingly likely to live with their parents. Young adults in their mid-twenties and early thirties are now more likely to be living with their parents than they were in 1988: nearly a quarter of men between 20 and 25 live with their parents and while the figure for women of the same age is lower than that it is still much higher than formerly.

A few verses......

Mistletoe, Viscum album, is an epiphytic semi-parasite.

That’s a mouthful for a start! In other words, it lives on other trees and at least partly depends upon them for its source of nutrients. It has special roots, haustorias, which grow into the host tree and tap into the woody layer that lies beneath the bark .

I’m told that you are much more likely to see mistletoe in the wetter west of Britain than in the ‘drier’(?) east, as mistletoe requires quite plenty of water to flourish.

The biggest source of British mistletoe for the Christmas market comes from one giant sale in Tenbury Wells, on the Shropshire/Herefordshire border, to which all the local farmers bring great bundles of mistletoe to auction off as a nice little Christmas earner.

Mistletoe's connection with Christmas, like so many seasonal traditions, originates in our pagan past. It was always known to have played an important part in the rituals of the Druids.

It was believed that a sprig of mistletoe protected the house from goblins and sorcery, which were most threatening at the time of the winter solstice – 21 December.

It was always considered unlucky to decorate the house with mistletoe before Christmas Eve, although I have heard that in the west of England the old bunch remains untouched until the new one is brought in to replace it.

Kissing under the mistletoe is peculiar to Britain but I have been unable to find out the origin of this custom. Maybe it is simply a remnant of fertility rites.

Bangers 'n' Mash

By definition 'bangers 'n' mash' is a dish made with cooked sausages served with boiled then mashed potatoes (not to be confused with Toad-In-The-Hole which is an entirely different dish made with sausages and Yorkshire Pudding batter).

Anyway, this traditional British dish was made world famous back in the 1960's by an unlikely hit record created and sung by comedian Peter Sellers and (of all people) the then sex-pot Sophia Loren!

The 'rough' history is that the two had embarked on a torrid affair during the making of a film called 'The Millionairess' in which Sellers played a pre-PC role as a Doctor of Indian origin.

Somehow Sellers persuaded Loren to 'sing' along with him on a record spawned from the film "Goodness Gracious Me". This was a hit, and they followed it up with "Bangers and Mash".

I was just reading all the moans in the papers about the fact there were going to be over 600 repeats on the telly this Christmas.

“This Christmas, almost 600 hours will be shown on the four main terrestrial channels. The BBC will screen re-runs of Dad's Army, Morecambe and Wise, Only Fools and Horses and Blackadder. “

Isn’t it a pity that so many people have to rely on someone else to entertain them all the time. We all need a good Show every-now-and-then and some form of entertainment but 600 hours of repeats!

Our ancestors had one enormous advantage …… they made their own entertainment, and most of that entertainment was music.

To the Victorians, Christmas meant sorting through the music stool for the well-tried favourites, and visits to the local dealers for this years latest novelties.

In many of the homes, where among the families of those who could afford one, the parlour piano was the focal point of social life.

Music evenings, always popular with the Victorians, came into their own at Christmas and a whole new repertoire of domestic music came into existence.

Together with the armies of organ-grinders and other itinerant musicians who crowded the streets, Christmas shopping must have been an ear-splitting occupation.

Present-day supermarket ’seasonal’ tape recordings would make Rudolph’s nose pale into insignificance by comparison.

"A Winters Tale"

This Christmas I’ve been invited by a local school to take the organ round for a burst of carolling.

Am I safe?

Can I be trusted to play for the parents and children?

Years ago there would have been none of this suspicion with everybody being ‘guilty’ unless they could prove themselves innocent.

I haven’t been told that I do need checking but many people in other parts of the country have.

New rules state that from next year people working with children “frequently” will have to be vetted and registered. Until the registration scheme comes into force, government advice to schools is that checks should be carried out only on parents whose volunteer work brings them into contact with children at least three times a month.

Three times a month sounds a reasonable cut off point.

But……

Some schools are opting to err on the side of caution and are enforcing vetting systems for one-off activities.

The school here in Bourne End obviously realises that Christmas is a ‘once a year’ activity!

However not all…….

A primary school headmaster at Somerton in Cambridgeshire, said checks on the two dozen parents volunteering to walk his 330 pupils to the carol service at nearby St John’s church on December 17 were necessary — even though they will be accompanied by teachers and a police community support escort.

A primary school in Norwich is insisting on the checks for parents who want to attend its Christmas disco.

Some schools require checks on parents who volunteer to walk with children from the school to post letters to Father Christmas.

I think this sets up a really negative relationship which can put off adults and gives the children the message that either adults don’t want to be involved in their lives at all, or that all adults have got to be mistrusted and you can’t have faith in anybody.

All of the parents should organise their own event for the kids & ban the teachers from attending. See how they like not being trusted