This year (and in the coming few) I want to do a bit more.
This is enough for now. Let’s see how much I can get done in this year.
One great thing about having a kid is children’s literature. Whether or not you have a kid, I would strongly recommend reading children books. Roald Dahl, Ruskin Bond, Secret Seven, and many others. It is a delight to read them; but reading them with a child is a different treat altogether. I hope we continue to read together forever. It is one of my most favourite activities to do with Naina.
So we were reading this awesome story: Gangsta Granny; a must read. We finished reading the chapter when Ben discovers a tin full of precious gems and diamonds in his Granny’s kitchen. Granny tells him nerve wreaking stories of stealing each of those jewels. It was a superb read.
As we switched off the lights ready to fall asleep, Naina remarks.
N: What if I don’t get a job when I grow up?
Me: You want a job to make money or something else?
N: money
Me: Then you don’t really need a job; you can find different ways to make money.
Stealing as a profession was also discussed earlier that evening. We observed that, even though Granny had a bucket load of precious gems, she lived in a rickety old cottage like a poor person. If she sells the jewels, she might get caught. So stealing didn’t seem like a meaningful profession.
N: I want a lot of money. Then I can buy houses, put them on rent and live off on the rent.
Me (I got scared, at 8 she wants a lot of money, what would they mean!): Why do you need a lot of money?
N is silent
Me: You know this is a serious discussion, not suitable for a night chat. We need a spreadsheet to list down our expenses that we really need. (Trying to say that a lot of money is not needed to live a good life)
N: ok shut up, I want to sleep now
I felt a chill. An eight year old is worried about making money. This is when we hardly ever talk about importance of money. If this is the case with her, what is going on with so many of my nephews and nieces who are going to earn soon.
Such lies we live in.
Sometimes my life flash across my eyes and I don’t believe my luck. It seems unbelievable how someone can be so lucky/blessed.
There are just so many people and instances to be grateful for. It is difficult to remember them all. Obviously my parents. I got the best of everything. My elder brothers are 11-12 older to me. In a way I am a generation younger. So whatever they couldn’t have, I got it all. And more. Literally, I had an IBM thinkpad in my 2nd or 3rd year in college when I believe most of my college professors didn’t have it! I had a telescope in class 10th! I had 100s of books including comics and picture books growing up. While I was born in a middle class family; I got the upper middle/ rich treatment.
Being youngest in extended family meant, all experimentation on my brothers and cousins was already completed and I could simply benefit from findings/observations. I could quickly move up the ladder of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs.
I was never treated differently because I was girl. I always carried my own baggage. Never told to “do this because you are a girl…”. In fact, the first time I was made aware of my gender was when my college mates would not be able to look me in the eye while talking. When I realised molestation is a real thing. I lived in a privileged world until school and was suddenly released into the wild reality in the college. Back at home, my parents still treat me no different than their sons. It is incredible to see they let me come home anytime day/night or consider me financially dependable. On my wedding day, my brother told me I could fly to Mauritius and have a vacation instead, if I am not sure about marriage. He was a lousy chaperone. But I knew what he was doing. Putting the ball in my court.
All this makes me who I am. I can never blame anyone for anything in my life, because the fact is, I made all the choices. I was given the space and freedom to do all the wrongs. To repent. To learn. To try again.
The greatest gift anyone can give you, is the gift of autonomy.
I was also privileged enough to find a life partner who, while it didn’t seem back then but it is quite clear now, had very similar values as mine. He actually took things up a notch. We all have been institutionally socialised to behave in the manner society expects us to. A good daughter, a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter in law, a good boss, a good employee, a good friend. All these “goods” are not as per our moral compass, but dictated by the society.
I was lucky enough to find a contrarian, a rebel in a husband. I always knew I was one, but I was lucky enough to marry another. It is so much easier and fun to discover things together. Together we discover our values, fears, insecurities, sources of happiness, and so much more. And the more we do, the more we realise how the society lie to us. Again and again.
When I start analysing my life, my choices, I end up feeling they are not just my own. They are a result of choices and lives of 100s of people who influenced me. I owe so much to them. There is no way to repay.
One selfless good deed always start another one. Maybe learning to be selfless is a way to start.
After spending years in chasing money, power, respect, position and what not, it turns out success is something else.
I read this book during Covid days. It is such a heartwarming book, a must read for all.
Honestly, I had never believed in love. It might sound strange, given I did what is conventionally called “love marriage” in India. I have been open about my marriage decision. It was a strategic alliance, much like most marriages, in-fact much like the whole institution of marriage. I weighed in all my options, and marrying this person was the path of least issues. It is like you create a decision tree and you choose the nodes one by one to minimize the cost function. There were many variables: independence, freedom, complementary traits, family planning and so on. Was love a factor? Naaaah!
Love seemed such a big word full of deceit and hypocrisy. I didn’t and still don’t know anyone who knows how to love.
Of course there are parents who “love” you, cherish you, accept you as you are. But I don’t think that is the “love” meant in that picture/quote above. Just becoming parents and loving your kids don’t make you successful. Parents don’t really love their kids. They care for them. They do everything in their power to keep them protected, happy, nourished. And in return, they expect the same treatment. It is a transactional relationship which is not balanced. Mostly they end up doing much more for you than you can ever do in return.
To Love, is simply to love. No give and take. No rights or wrongs. No rules of the society applied. No conditions. No judgements.
Is it even recommended? Won’t it destroy the very fabric of social justice? Are you asking me to love my husband who hits me everyday? (Not my husband, this is a rhetorical question) A rapist? A serial killer? Hitler? And so on.
A good part of my life was spent in justifying hatred. To hate is my birthright. It’s logical to hate people who do bad things, no? Similarly a good part of my life was spent in justifying “anger”. Justifying “disrespect”. You have to earn my respect.
Then I realised, all these feelings: hatred, anger, disrespect are totally inside of me. Just like love. It has its start and end inside of me. When I hate anyone, for any reason, it only makes me crappy. When I love anyone, for no reason, it only makes me complete.
Is it possible to love unconditionally? Love a rapist and the victim alike?
I am glad to report, yes. It is possible. It is a sensation which fills you in a way nothing else does. It completes you. It is the only true purpose of human existence. To forgive, to be kind, compassionate, empathic, and to love.
Have I learnt to love? Have I learnt any of those things?
If the journey is from 0 to 100, I am probably at 5. But that 5 is a big milestone for me. Most importantly, it is a proof of concept. I do believe, to be successful in life is to love.
What I find mind-boggling is the fact no one knows this, or tells you this.
The entire life is spent in running after knowledge, money, prestige, ego, power, and what not. Entire existence driven by fear or greed.
How come?!
Career and family is one of my most favourite topics to discuss. This interview reminded me of it.
https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20250814-women-leaving-work-issie-lapowsky-katty-kay-interview
I was never a career oriented person. I didn’t want to be that powerful person up at the corporate ladder who demands respect and awe. After reading books like the Fountainhead, Jonathan Seagull during the impressionable years of teens, I started detesting power.
I always wanted to do something meaningful with my life. Something that has a positive impact on the world. This was a huge ask.
First of all, how do you define positive impact. For instance, now at 40, while running a business, I believe the one sure-shot way to create minimize negative impact is by creating zero waste. Is it possible to generate no waste? no. But I genuinely believe out of all the possible good deeds I can do in this world, this one is the least harmful. And the most difficult to achieve.
So I wanted to do something good in the world. And I wanted to have an equal relationship with my partner. While growing up, I saw all relationships as power struggle. Ultimately, humans are just trying to get an upper hand. Get things done their way. Almost all interactions is a game. Another book, Games people play, shaped my thoughts about human relationships.
I believe these two components make the story of career and family.
Component 1: Ability to contribute meaningfully to the world.
Component 2: Having an equal chance to express your needs and desires.
Things are quite simple when you look at it as these two asks.
It doesn’t matter what work one does.
It doesn’t matter how much money you earn.
If you don’t get these outcomes, you stay miserable. And without doing any job, if you get these outcomes you are happy.
There are a million ways to contribute. And yet no matter what you do, you might leave the world worse than what you started with. It is not easy to leave a positive mark in the world driven by almost everything irrelevant. So that is a personal challenge everyone has to solve.
Another challenging ask is to get the equal say, the seat on the table. How do you achieve equality in a relationship when by definition all relationships are power struggle?
I quote Gibran
I think what it means is, to not compete. To be kind. To watch and grow together. To focus on yourself. To be responsible for yourself.
I spent my entire life seeing how couples or family just want each other to change. They can’t accept each other for who they are. Probably, we can’t even accept ourselves for who we are. If and when it starts to happen, when we can accept ourselves and each other with all their faults and weaknesses, there is a chance for equality.
No job or career or power position can create it. It is a habit, a new way of thinking. And when it is achieved, you might even leave a positive mark in the world.
How do you do that when the success is defined by dollars in the bank or accolades you get? By BMI or looks? By how innovative or creative or visionary you are?Almost everything that counts in public opinion is irrelevant. It is like an illusion. A magic trick. Which doesn’t allow you to see the reality.
Said my 7 year old today
I don’t want to get into the whole episode of “why mad”, it is not even a story worth telling. I will share what happened afterwards.
After behaving badly, when I drew my breathe and got a chance to connect with myself, I felt bad. I apologised to Naina.
Her response was “also say sorry to papa”.
I was like No way, not happening! Na na
I am so mad at him, I am not going to apologise
That is when she said those pearls of wisdom.
If you don’t forgive him you would stay mad
And that was like…. I can’t describe that feeling.
I smiled and said
you are correct, but I don’t want to stop being mad at all.
Then I dwelt on it. And I don’t know how or why but I saw my anger melting away. Because actually I didn’t want to be mad at him. It was just anger taking over me. Controlling me.
She chuckled and told me a story of Bluey in which a character was just mad and didn’t know why he was mad.
The rest of the car ride was us sharing our thoughts about anger. I felt I could share with her like an equal. First I sent an apology to her dad. Felt better than I had felt in a long time. Sent apology to other family members.
Then we started talking about anger. How anger has so much power. We discussed about Hulk and Elsa. How anger makes Hulk a different creature. How Elsa breaks her ice palace due to anger and hurt.
Then Naina shared an example of how Devi overpowers anger.
I was amazed again. We are not religious people, don’t visit temples. She has seen these statues only twice in her life. Yet something in her stayed to let her remember. Actually I have emphasised how this Devi is my inspiration. Maybe that’s why she recalled her.
Then I shared how worst kind of mad is being mad about being mad. How I want to be like that Devi and control my anger. But I end up getting angry again and again. And then I am angry for being angry. That made us both laugh.
While I was sharing my agony of failure; she patiently encouraged me to see reason.
N: Everyone feels all emotions at one point or other. Said the wise 7 year old.
Me: Yes I know. But I want to be like that Devi.
N: Do you want to be like Devi or like Mother Teresa?
(Yesterday night when praying at night, we were discussing about mother Teresa and how she has been my inspiration since childhood)
Me: Well, like Mother Teresa (MT), because Devi is a fictional character and MT is real.
How Devi is like Santa Clause. I don’t know if it’s even possible to be like one.
N: You know how Santa Clause story started?
And that changed the topic.
I guess this whole episode just makes me feel so happy about everything we stand for.
Nitesh and I have spent a good deal of our lives learning to be parents, by understanding ourselves at deepest levels, but learning to communicate, to listen.
This whole episode validates our assumptions, proves we are on right track.
Kids are not empty vessels. They are not to be filled with knowledge or wisdom. They are not to be told the difference between right and wrong.
They are to be trusted. To be respected. To be encouraged. To think. To be kind. To seek help from. To be treated like adults, while enjoying laugh, dance, energy within.
Aren’t they the best gift any adult can have?!
Same as what went wrong with everything else.
Same as what went wrong with church.
With modern state legislatures
With aristocracy.
With pharmacy.
Power corrupts.
Money misguides.
Until a couple of months, I felt I am no longer afraid of anything like I used to be. My fear sensation has significantly dropped. I had stopped being scared of silly things about future. Even about running out of money. Of downgrading lifestyle.
Freedom from fear is one of the greatest freedoms.
Until recently I was proven wrong.
I have been a big advocate of AI since the beginning. Reason being, I love growth, progress in terms of achieving higher efficiency. In search of truth. I find AI to be less prejudiced, less dishonest than most humans.
However, it is not a surprise that hiring has fallen sharply and downsizing is growing slowly. I did a paper in college analysing a city which was once a hub of industrial growth in India and 200 years later when industries failed, the city was taken over by unemployment, lawlessness, poverty, inequality and other such diseases of modern society.
I can’t get over that imagine of the world. When billions would be without work. The government can distribute free livelihoods. Food is not the real problem. Shelter is not the real problem.
Not having a purpose in life is.
It is a fear gripping me. Not for myself. I have only one purpose. To meditate. Fear is for everyone around me. That world is a bleak place. Bleaker than it ever was.
Katy Perry or Taylor Swift?
Asked my 7 year old.
I was taken aback. How does she know who is Katy Perry? She had a Taylor Swift season a month or so back , where she and all the friends were Swifties for a while. I accounted that to school dances and performances in sports events. But how does she know about Katy Perry? And why is she comparing them?
I don’t know how mature I should expect a 7 year old to be. I keep thinking she is small, and she keeps proving me wrong.
Me: You know around 10 years back, I loved Katy Perry. Not so much of Swift. My entire workout playlist consisted by Katy Perry, Megan Turner and Coldplay. I knew only one song by Swift that time.
She knows all these artists, bands.
Naina: Love story? (Song by Swift)
Me: No. It wasn’t released then. It is a more recent song. I don’t remember the name.
It was Blank Space.
Naina: I also love Katy Perry better than Taylor Swift. Which is your favourite song by Swift?
Me: fireworks
Naina: oh (disappointed a bit).. mine is Friday night.
Me: oh! (Not remembering it well)
Naina: You know what I like most about Katy Perry, the lyrics.
A fear passed through my body. Lyrics?? Lyrics of such songs are not meant for 7 years old. No? They are mostly about sex. No?
Me: What do you like about lyrics?
Naina: They are so meaningful. It is not just about music and rhythm. You can make sense of the lyrics and sing them.
And went on talking about songs and technicalities between the two singers. I shrugged my fears aside.
I always thought she would be in her teens when I would have such conversations with her. Not sure why. Why do we assume kids to not be adult like? Maybe because even after 40 years our own parents don’t treat us as adults? Or maybe the appearances fool us. Like they mostly do.
It is true I keep getting scared for her about slightest of things. But I also am aware that these scares are meaningless. I feel quite privileged that our relationship is changing from a provider-receiver kind to a more equal one.
A favourite question of my 7 years old these days.
I felt very proud when I heard this question. I wished I remembered my age when I started asking this question.
Me: Wow! That is some question. That is the question. I spent some 30, no 29, no around 30 only, years asking this question before I found the answer.
Naina: You know the answer! Tell me tell me!
She had asked same question from his father who didn’t give her the answer.
Me: No, this answer I can’t give you. It’s yours to be found. Every person has a different answer.
Obviously this only fuelled her curiosity further. She was persistent that I tell her.
I was also v much tempted to.
Me: I can’t tell you the answer. But I can tell you for me it is related to Vipassana.
Naina: For you everything is related to Vipassana.
At that, I got scared. I hope Vipassana doesn’t sound like a cult/blind faith to her. I replied defensively.
Me: No, almost everything in my life is not related to Vipassana. You, my work, my workout, books I read, courses I do, songs I love, movies I watch etc etc.
And that diverted the topic to other things. But I was so glad she was asking the question which shapes our lives.
Sometimes I get so tired by the world and the nonsense in it, I feel I should leave everything and just get myself encapsulated by Vipassana.
Then I realise Vipassana is not an evening out with friends, it is not a movie, it is not a book, it is not a beautiful song, it is not artwork, it is not a way to escape. It is not a way for quick relief.
It is my life. Like everything else. Including all the nonsense that sometimes delight and sometimes annoy.
I can’t make it my escape route.
A Sign Curve 