remember that i'll come back during june, forget it......seems like i have time these days amidst all the madness

there is a fear that constantly haunts me... it's not about band or anything...so just get this straight.i'm not representing anything or anyone here in this claudia-claudia conversation yah?

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what's happened to me? i seem to have no life going after achievements and accomplishing stuff that i forget about simple things. it really feels like i've lost touch of myself, forget about what a life i've known.

i love to write. perhaps it may be obvious, but i really do. and right now, i'll like to take an opportunity to thank a very special person.

to weisheng: although we may not be very close or perhaps you don't like me a lot, but i just wanna thank you for encouraging me along the way. that time when you said, "i think this script was very well written", i kinda blew me away for a second because never in my life have i thought that i was a good writer.

in case some of you didn't know, the initial plan (or rather excuse) was not for me to write the concert script, but rather, a g.p teacher to do it. however, things turned out in such a way that the script had to be written and so it took me alot of courage to do it.

one will never know how much courage it took me to type out the first word - because the reminisence of what happened in the x'mas concert was still in my heart although i didn't really show them

that comes to my next point - why couldn't i show them?

but anyway, when someone complimented that it was at least an "okay"....it was good enough for me. really......we all need a little encouragement sometimes and perhaps a "little magic" to cheer someone up.

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why couldn't i feel anything anymore. seriously, sometimes i feel like a stay-at-home mum. like busy for everyone but never for myself. it came to a point where hanshen calls me "mummy" (not that i don't like it...it's really okay)then i realised the time i give to my fellow friends is more than i give for myself. it seems that many times, for a certain event, or a certain meeting, the time has to be comprimised from my friends.

it has reached a point that quite frankly, i'm afraid of going out with people now....not that i don't like them, but rather i'm afraid they don't like me.

okay-it may sound paranoid but i'm sure everyone has their own insecurities. times like these are crucial where they checks and balances of life come into play. furthermore, it really sucks when you have to be strong for everyone else. like my senior had promised herself before our syf that she'll never cry and b there for the band. so now, i promise myself that i'll never cry and be there for everyone.

oh! but how i wish someone were there for me......like to comfort and hold my head while i weep, whether it is in joy or sorrow.

it's very hard to control yourself when you're leading a group of people who count on you. it's even harder when they fall. i'm not very strong inside, but for them we all have to be strong for one another.

"Feel" - Robbie Williams

many times i sing this song in my head, that strain to burst out kills me. in alot of occasions when that song plays and i'm in public, that urge to sing the song overwhelms me. what's more, it's not "socially acceptable" when you start to scream itelligible lyrics in public. now you know how i feel inside?

okay....call me selfish. But right now, what i really like to do is to call all the people i love and care as well as admire. and if it weren't for the thing called friction between people, i'ld done that everyweek and just talk about things. from serious to silly.....i'll take them all.

i don't want to be known as some granny that's all about serious stuff. i am fun and i want to recoup my "fun" spirit after i've stepped down and just forget about the pretenses that were expected of me. i'll leave that to the next batch or something.

don't know how to put this across in another way but i hope that YJ Winds will still accept me even after i've stepped down. because i love the j1s this year and even though i've stepped down and all, i'll still have the urge to come back - and the only gracious thing i beg of you is to let me come back willingly and let me just be me. i want to play....

it's a bad time to "want to have fun" but perhaps, inside i know that if i don't start loosening up soon - things will spiral downhill and more people will suffer.

you don't have to be there all the time, let someone take care of you once in a while.

suddenly, a familiar yet strange feeling welled-up inside me. i know this is going to be a turning point and if i step into it - god knows what will happen. how i longed for someone just to hold me and keep me safe......we all need a hug sometime :)

Thank you so much for believing in us....we owe everything to you and thank you for being such a great teacher that you've made yourself to be.

You gave us hope and guidance....and we'll always be grateful for your courage to tell us the truth and teach what we need and not give us what we think we want.

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the true elite stand up to what they believe in.....the others can only wish they were that decisive.

It's been so long since i've touched my home keyboard for reasons other than school.

and i'm sure my msn is sitting lonely at the corner waiting for me to log in.

but hey.....the busy month is just about to get busier and this entry may be the last....you'll see me again in june or something.

so people....i'm not taking a time-out but a time-in to get my affairs in order and all the buzz gone before i can really sit down and do what i want.

that book is collecting dust on the table.

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to my band mates:

it's not going to be easy...and we may not get what we want this time, but the truth remains, if you want a breakthrough and stop feeling lousy for yourself, then we cannot stop dreaming.

have you watched "meet the robinson's" lately?the motto of the whole show is "keep moving forward"....perhaps people these days are being too passive about their lives that they resort to sitting back and enjoy the benefits rather than be part of the whole action.

DON'T BE LIKE THAT.

never ever be passive about your life because at the end of the line, you'll only feel really lousy about yourself for "not doing something in the first place". if you bother to change the passive habits now, then perhaps you can see the world in a different light. that the world is not leading you somewhere, but rather we all have a part in changing the world we know today.

the only reason that people whine is that they want to change something but can't do it because they have no courage.

courage is not an absence of fear but rather embracing it. to know the risks and gains in everything you do - to fully realise the impact and the cost of your actions.

this journey has been a great one for me, for the j2s at least....turning a dormant volcano into an active one. it's your turn to make this happen and rebrand YJ....make our work erupt and even though we may not be there to witness the eruption but i'm sure the repercussions can be felt all the way through and we'll look back to you, our dear band mates and listen to the shouts of victory.we'll be proud of you.

we must work towards the future.....and if we work to succeed then succeed we must.

your battle is already half-won.....pull through the dark times and later you'll find that you life is more than just books and hmwk....life is what you make it out to be.

these days things are back to almost normal i guess....with the report sent and everyone having enough sleep.

why is it so hard? almost like running upstream, everyone uptight about things around them...it makes people working around them very very very tired.

relax lah.......a brain works better when it's relaxed and calm, conveniently, i think better 5 mins i doze off.

hahahaha.......anyway, i had a really weird dream or rather dreams.

it's so real.....and it's very very uncertain if it's true anot.

dreams are really good avenues by which we release tension. when you think about something too much, your subconcious takes over and makes you dream, so that you won't go mad thinking about. sometimes, things that we don't think about, or think we don't think about are the very things which concerns us most.

we keep it deep within us hoping it will dissolve away. yeah, true, it will for a moment, but not forever. then slowly, it can eat us inside out and then when it's all over, you'll be left hollow with nothing inside.

that's where patience is test - we make ourselves numb from the pain's cause.

interesting isn't it?

if everyone were to tell each other what their dreams are about, i bet there'll be war or peace, because we don't tell each other enough how we feel inside. hoping things will be better.....

i agree, that holding things back is good. but not too long...if the problem doesn't go away, it doesn't and perhaps when the time's right, we should do something about it.

these are said with some form of fear inside, because personally, i never know how much patience i've tested...or will ever know how many people are talking behind my back.

then maybe my only excuse is that i do what i think is necessary....maybe other don't see it that way.

it's perfectly alright....as long as we understand. whether you accept or reject, it's your personal choice. but understanding comes first.

no pair of husband and wife accept the things each other do. but they understand and given time, they accept. - at least that's what my mum told me. seriously, till today, i marvel at how my mum tolerate the many horrible things my dad has done.

there's no reason to be uptight about things. really, there isn't....if we stand back a little from all the crap or shit and watch the world go by, we can then save ourselves from the chaos and make things better.

same universal law...a force must give way to a greater force acting upon it. if we don't give way one way or another, then it's very difficult not to break.

everyone has their breaking point and some moments in life, we feel that we're reaching so close to it. the only way from not breaking it, is to step back and keep yourself a distance away from that breaking point. perhaps only then, can we believe that "we can do it".....no point telling yourself you can do it when you're so near - because you'll never believe what you say to yourself.