Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

thanks to my flu bug, i'm staying at home to study....at least try to study while trying to not drown myself in mucus. oh yah....one down side is that you're always sleepy.damn~

anyway i'm slacking right now when i'm supposed to do item number 2 (normal distribution)....considering i've completed ionic eqm, integration, differentiation....haiz...that geog item is still an eye-sore...no movitation to study any of them at all. what's ironic is that i'm listening to a song called " MOVIN' "hahahaha

finally gotten over the inertia of things have started to revise some stuff....at least i now know what the fuss over river basin management conflicts is all about....

okay.....better go back to my tys or else my conscience won't ever let me sleep tonight. i can watch bleach episode 124 later :P

i'm made up my mind long ago that i will want to visit the p and tell her the stuff that she needs to hear. we students no longer are able to put up with the crappy system and the stupid endless programmes that they force on us.

to be sure, it'll not be some complain session but rather a feed-back session, a grey line toes the in between.

and today what mr d. said was totally unnecessary. i understand where that is coming from, and yes i sympathize...but no, i refuse for that person to be protected like that. everything happens for a reason, and there's a reason why people are treating you this way. maybe it's about damn time you come and ask us why you're being treated like that. we're still your friends to some extent and we'll tell you waht you need to know.

officer? maybe you're not there yet....pity - that you have the qualities of something better yet you choose to live the way you do. the forces of nature does not bend your way.

and seriously, xj is no where near racist, go think about jeremy or even soon long....and the comments that xj made are targeted at this character....if your thick-skull of yours left room for possibilities, didn't you consider the fact that we have a side to our story as well? oh yes, i forgot, your brain grew down south so there wasn't much to start with. oh! that bloody well explains why you could teach......sorry for being so cold and not understanding towards your insecurities....i can't help it, you are the one SETTING the example, so this devoted an obediant student is FOLLOWING your example. that's what you wanted right? for your students to -adore-you...look it adoration has many meanings in many contexts....maybe you didn't know

yeah....simple to say. maybe my insecurities these days have made me look at things the negative way. and last sat has just made it worse....seriously, don't bother to talk to claudia wong if she has no more than 8hrs of sleep. seriously, i have no idea what that woman will say and no matter how much she tries to be civilised (and believe me, it takes alot), she can't help feeling irritated. but don't be offended, she's not irritated at you, she's irritated at the fact that she has to come back to school on sat. if she has any chance of avoiding seeing the school and smelling the canteen on weekends, she'll take it.

anyway....i should stop feeling lousy and get a grip already. there seems to have so much to do and i can't seem to get anything done.

who says you can't get into something and not get emotionally attached? after 2 years with 222, the reality of departing them is drawing very near. and it's very very difficult to accept that if i were to leave, i have to leave behind all my friends. maybe that's why i'm kinda in a "do they still like me mood"

true, i hate to lose them....along with my band mates especially guan yu, shannon, marcus, irene, michelle, nicolette and darren as well as the forever funny-guy alvin.

it hurts so much that the paranoia comes over. when they don't wave back, i take it a little too personally. but it's really okay.....there are other reasons too.

don't worry so much claudia. positive focus will bring you there....not positive thought. you have to focus on the beautiful things in life or you'll miss out eveything that is blatantly in front of you. there is no turning back after that moment's been lost.

鼓起勇气，"they're all playing tricks in your mind" - someone close told me that once. maybe its time i win the game of cat and mouse.

shit pile

this week has been great....finally the energy to study have finally flowed through my veins and everything seems to be in focus...people, just psycho yuorself to study, say things like "i am smart....what is prelims...it is nothing....study study study" and you may just be on your way to success (should be lah)

anyway....today waht xinyi told me like pissed me off....it's like total malign lahz. thank god he's not the principal or else i think the whole school might just see some students ponning and a whole lot of teachers resigning.what has beryl, adrain and kris got to do with the letter anyway?it's like saying global warming is solely beryl's fault because she's in the aircon room and using it. or trying to say that adrain is taking up air because he's breathing or pinpointing kris as a gp rep by not scoring perfect 100 for GP exam....

"you're not good leaders." - what rubbish....like the mistakes of your incapable admin staff and insolence could be blamed on your "leaders" who have no part in this at all. besides, what has a puny little pink-fonted letter got to do with you? then i dare question, why are you so insistent on putting that little pink-fonted letter on mrs **** table? will it leave some sort of promote-me-respect-me scent for her? god.....use that big brother of yours to think!

haiz....it's time somebody said something...like math asp...i'm glah beryl helped us out with that one.

anyway.....back to happy stuff (wohoho)

yestd asp was damn funny lahz....as usualy, mr lim reacts with aircon and the lt was freezing cold that day too. not too long after the bell, he started going through the answers when his phone rang aloud. so he answered and said something intelligible in chinese i think and then offed the phone and said to us, "my mother, she ask me whether want to eat dinner anot. scared i hungry."

then shortly later, another phone call came in, so obviously frustrated, he placed down the pen and answered, and said something like ,"later, going...." and then put down the phone and said "my father now ask me."..

not too long after, ANOTHER phone call came and being very irritated by the first two, he answered abit loudly this time, loud enough for the 4th row (where i was) to hear something like, "hello? yah....sorry i'm in er....a meeting now.yah...okay okay..." and after hanging up, he said "insurance."this time the lt really lol-ed...

haiz.....a spurt of warm feeling (whee~)

anyway....kinda demoralised after doing the MJC paper...haiz, got a whole lot of questions that i have no idea about.....although i think i should have known if not for the nagging feeling in my head that says "move to the next question! you're spending more than the allotted time!" it's time i shut that voice up and concentrate on the question.

blah-and today soon yong, who has never talked to me much before sat beside me during econs and asked me, "eh, how you study for geog?"

frankly speaking, i'm not stunned by the question, but rather the person asking the question. a stranger - almost - asked me something like this...it really took some kinda face and guts. and i tried to answer in a not so proud way....haiz.....

what is unbelievable when i tell people that "there is no secret, just know the concepts and clarify them if you dont know them." and "i sleep at 10pm" and "i don't study when i get home" and "but i listen during lectures and dictate what the teachers say." apparently the look on soon yong's face doesn't believe that i do those things. but my close friends know that i almost never sleep in lectures (unless they are all useless) and i don't reply after 10 or 11pm. time management, a simple concept that people don't seem to grasp. we cannot give in to the sloth inside us....there's a trick i use....when you think about slacking, always plan on how you are going to make up for the lost time.

like today i plan to study math in the afternoon, but after getting the harry potter book from beryl i couldn't resist to read 125 pages of it. so you have to force yourself to stop at chapter 4 and move on. DON'T GIVE IN TO THE TEMPTATION! but on suc problem is that you procrastinate. yah....so have to be disciplined bah....not easy, and i'm grateful that my nannies were strict with me in the past...forcing me to study for 2-3 hrs straight with their kids...(whom are now in NJC,RJC and an ex-VJC)

these things are really reinforced from young. now you know why some of your parents force you study even though you very much want to play with barbie or watch the telly?these external benefits (benefits borne by third parties) come about immediately, but the private benefits only hatch when you're older.

just think - when you get yourself into the University, are you going to be disciplined enough to plan out your studies with NO supervision?

interesting isn't it? when everyone starts to do what they know they must....and that seems to somehow conflict with the school ideas...like i give a damn for the politics.

like nat said, we're suffering thanks to the politics of the school. and like what beryl said, "they can kneel down and apologize that their programme had failed but then who will return our a'levels?"

after sacrificing so much, there's a time and place to return back to your roots, the beginning of what you started out to do. that is to score for a's.we can have all the activities to distract us once in a while but ultimately the main aim here in a college is to study.

and as a school....it plays many roles. i know yj's not perfect....but sometimes, we just don't aim for perfection and the results and attitude shows.

sometimes i wonder if the teachers are working so hard to make-up for something else....i'm not saying ALL teachers are doing the same thing but it just clicked you know?like do they know that the system's already rubbish and so that's why they are working harder to make up for it.

this morning when i heard over the radio that man bosses of SMEs are going for management classes, i thought, "well, it's about time?!"and wondered if the MOE are going to give these hods and stuffy principles some management classes too....world class education? please, just take a look at your work first then we'll say?one thing about singaporeans is their reluctance to change....and when they are confronted by it, they become afraid.....sometimes deep inside i wish some sort of trouble will break out in school. so as to wake the lot about this generation.

do you know why we skipped class?

because we had bloody well enough of your stupid warped ideas that spending 3 freakin' hours is going to help any....let me list you what i can do with that 3 hours

3:30pm - reached home and bathed (doing question 1- differentiation)

4:30pm - finished transition elements tutorial (completiting question 3 on functions)

4:30pm-6pm - finished thermochem revision exercise (thinking about question 10-n.distri)

6pm-6:30pm - dinner (aiyah, can't finish paper, go home do)

how about that?

in the span of 3 hrs i have completed my chem revision for the day......i feel more statisfied than anyother thing to be proven wrong. that i'm going to miss out during class.

but there are no lectures, no explainations. so what?

like what mr lim said, "are they wrong to skip the leadership course?"

yes....but their reasons are justified....i'm not in the mood to explain why because your ears won't open to other reasons.

have you seen horse racing and ever wondered why they use the flaps to blind the horses? because the jockeys want the horses to trust them and be focused on nothing but running. but ultimately, the glory goes to the one who made the right bet on the right horse.

in simple words....we're just horses on a race track with our teachers(jockeys) and the system (the tract) to lead us...nevermind if some of us lose as long as someone wins. reality is so cruel....

that's why mustangs are valued for their freedom, for centuries they are a symbol of freedom and rebellion because we longed to be like them.

we envy and treasure people who believe in their own ways of thought and actions and scorn at those who suck up to the system that everyone hates.

i'm willing to pay for the consequences of my actions for today....because i believe that these actions are justified....although it is not, in the eyes of the school. but ultimately i'm going to win this bet in my own way....我会活的比赛马还快乐。。。下了赌注，就要赢！

wah....today geog was a terrific waste of time....like being late was still okay because lessons only started like 1hr after that....how wonderful can that be?

and as such, we lost precious hours of sleep in the process and thanks to the stupid politics of the system...students are at the blunt end of this whole thing..talk about more inefficiency, and you call yuorself an econs teacher???my goodness...why didn't you work in some cooped up stuffy firm instead of meddling the affairs of education? sorry for the disrespect, but you got the degree in economics and probably a 1st class honours for it...but about the aspect of management....maybe you should relook at some (pathetic?) aspects of your existance in our school...it's OUR school for heaven's sakes...begone to where you came from

today kris was just telling nat and me what happened on PTD with ptd....like what can i say? more instances and examples as well as illustrations of (inefficient)people?

haiz......lousy morning...just hope tml will be better.....abit worried about nicholette though...>.<"call me soon yah?

anyway........time flies when you're having a break and today during sssp the sight of 222 mugging to death touched something in me...like some hope is finally coming. oh yah....****the librarian who asked us to get out...HELLO?look behind yuor back the others are discussing loudly about bio?!and you're asking US to get out....and what about the basement...you want to check them out too?goodness.....these librarians need some air i think...the air con is doing something to their common sense.oh yah...not to mention the library was buzzing with discussions....and i'm very sure we're speaking at 5decibals or something....at least if we're making a hell of a scene you could very well ask us to keep quiet and revise, there's no need to force us out of the place or something....

sometimes...when you're feeling miserable inside, everything looks miserable on the outside...you start noticing flaws and you start making weird accusations.

i wish i wish i wish things would turn for the better soon after all these crap.....and there's nothing more i wish to do than study.

okay....i don't want to sound horrible like i already do.

but these days, i've been not myself. duh, i mean yah....

anyway, there are a whole lot of things i did today that wasn't what it's supposed to mean

here goes: that time jialiang was saying something about driving license stuff, and i had no idea why i mentioned that i wanted to pass that one only once...sounded damn boastful can?

: and then nat lots of stuff that were really funny but not only that i didn't laugh, i gave a look that implied that it wasn't funny but rather lame...to the contrary, my head didn't register that frequency(not that it wasn't too low) but rather the receptor seems to be spoilt.

: then i had no idea why i told darren that my mum was going to ptd day to erm....match-make (where did THAT come from)

:lastly, i had no idea why the heck did i tell mr lim to move up the paper when he obviously havent finished writing, and then when he said "wait lah!" and replied "fine lor....".hello? he's my ( ) teacher and i would do nothing on purpose to want to make him feel bad....haiz...oh yah...today he said lame as "lah-meh"...lolz...and pulled the projector screen down accidentally because he thought by pulling that down he could read what was on top...lolz....that earned bellows of laughter from 222..."how dumb was that for a really smart person"

: and then yestd i cried at mr see's lesson but it really wasn't his fault...it's the stress-monster...haiz...sorry ah mr see....it's just a matter of bad timing of my part.

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sometimes when you are having the "out of the body" experience, suddenly you mind, your speech and everything don't belong to you. things get slipped out before going through the big brain and things are said. haiz....like already, i should just shut up for these 2 weeks or something.

strangely, the more problems you have - the feeling of wanting to be left alone grows ever stronger....but ironically, the problems are magnified. instead being with friends actually make that problem seem so much more managable. it's the theory of people- feel- more -brave- when -their- friends -are -with- them, they have more courage with the support of friends.

really hope this will be over soon...everything, the A's, the stress....the "blah"ness and also as nat mentioned. the feeling of being obliged to do something else when there's another thing you know you have to do most. really really really detest that kinda feeling 那种被牵挂的感觉

anyway....sleeping fitfully for 3 hours have helped alleviate the tension for a bit....and great friends like 222-ians and band have made yjc seem so much more inviting and life in school easier to manage.

of course, i'm everyday greatful that i have wonderful teachers who are more than willing to help me and teachers who care about you enough to say the truth.

madness-it's only going to last for 3 more months...after that we'll regain our sanity.

first things first....need to thank some people today for making today a much better one....firstly, nat - for the pats-on-the-back...=)there's been riffs lately, but i just wanted to tell you that i'm really sorry for what i've said to you...knowing how it'll affect you but i still said it at the heat of the moment....sorry babe >.<" thanks for making this day so much better...can't thank you enough.

xinyi, words can't really express, but you know as virgos, we do better by actions...hahaha *BIG HUGZ*...thanks for everything....really everything

van and kirthika....thanks for that extra bonus at ya kun's with all that laughter....you gals will really make me miss moments like these.

nicholette....i'm glad it helped you....thanks for your wonderful sms this morning, it was a really really really pleasant surprise...i'll be here for you no matter what =)

darren.....thanks for hearing my rants...it's not easy to hear a girl rant but thanks for the advice...i'll find myself again - i promise

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when beryl said,"i think you're burning out, like huishan"ah....reality struck

yeah yeah, i've been avoiding the fact that i've burnt out long ago, even before block test....it explains everything inside out....

so now, there's really nothing else to say and do but to just relax....like read bits and pieces and laugh or marvel at the stuff on the blog...hahaha, it's been a long time since i've been there.

anyway, these days, i'm in the mood for band dinners and helping people....like maybe because i haven't been back to band for a while, the feeling is like displaced (cholrine and bromine) and the eagerness to study kinda spurs me on to try and help those geog-ers and econ-ers in need....not that i'm perfect or very good (no where near aminah's standards) but at least i'm sure i know the concepts...haiz, hope there can be of use.

besides that....after letting it out (by crying) today, there's this strange new feeling...i can feel it coming, and i know recovery is within sight. the doc's right....我需要放得下.

many times, alot of things get in your way, like ASP...and you can't really have the freedom to do what you want. maybe it's better to just tide out this few days more and see what happens. meanwhile claudia wong is going on a 2 week vacation...(yes, vonk, don't faint)

prelims is very important to me because i'm applying to manchester soon.....and although it's hard to let it go now, but really......there'll be no deadlines to this break...

although you may think that i'm being irrational by crying and "seeking pity" or even over-reacting.....then to the contrary, yes i am. i'm being irrationally and over-reacting, but what it is not, is seeking pity.

i don't need your pity that right now i'm not being myself. everyone has different tolerance levels....my limit is here....any further and things will break apart.sometimes there is no point in trying to understand why people react to situations in a certain manner in which you find inconceivable.

true.....i need to let it out or i'll fill like a bucket too full of milk.....and i'm grateful that people who care about me understand that fact....it really meant alot today from all the sincere gestures of concern from nat, beryl and xinyi....love them to pieces...

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today mr lim's lecture gave me a direction...first, his cartoon looked pretty lame, but then it started to make sense....

i agree with you....thanks for making me see the light again....

don't we all need a friend to lean on sometimes?

no. wait.

don't we have to be with our friends in times of need?

yah......that's more like it.

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i thought today's geog asp was quite fulfilling. like finally the picture is coming together, i seriously hope the sch gets it soon....i wouldn't really mind to have contenders....hahahaha, ok before i start being a narcississ, it's better to divert to other topics

anyway, that day i was telling xinyi about how grateful it is to be able to achieve the things the past year.....and now is a time for me to reap the benefits and move on, not dwell and sit for too long lest things become stagnant.

i remembered in chinese class, mr ong was saying that how we cannot always peak and stop there, but must find ways to move on and find new aspirations or directions so that we may attain a even higher goal. for the past month, i've been trying to get out of that muddy feeling of being stuck and moving on to get better grades etc.

but it's not easy, maybe like what the teachers say, don't peak too soon, or you'll soon hit diminishing returns. i can feel my peak coming soon for geog. but for econs, and definitely, my peak is far from reach.

right now, i'm sorry to say that even though grades was never a belief of mine, and my past posts had been about sulking at the education system. however, right now, everyone is working so hard. it's heart-warming to know that your friends like jiahao, adrain and jialiang planning to study already and have already started on some. at least they are moving....it also troubles both the virgos about the future....and all the what if's. i think it's best to leave it to the future. let's take care of our present problems first.

thankfully, some "band-therapy" had helped me find myself again....i can't seem to thank guanyu, christopher, shannon,nicholette and darren for the wonderful band dinners and nonsensical stuff that we always seem to talk about. frankly speaking, i feel much more relaxed and there's no feeling that beats that.

who cares about blocks anymore....like seriously?we've already moved on and gone on to greater goals. sometimes, when things are too smooth sailing, they become dull. i love challenges.....i love to see that S or E turn into something....it's even more fulfilling than getting straight As after As, before long you lose that momentum to drive harder.

hahahaha.....who am i kidding, there's no time to "philosophize" such stuff...we only have to work hard. who cares about the shit you say (daryl being a great example)....people only watch what you do and appreciate and admire you from it.

张学友- 在你的身边
就要发生的时间　如何有所准备　
它就静静的出现　却走进了我的视觉　
以为丰富的经验　能让我度过一切　
我逞强地唱着唱着　却不住地后退

从来没有什么眷恋　终于我现在才发现　
我的心里有个角落　在等着你的出现　
眼前早已失去警觉　任你轻易推落海边　
曾经在你的怀抱里失去所有知觉

你的温柔让我逐渐深陷　每天总是期待看你一遍
哦　爱的感觉这么强烈　我怎能否决　不管天涯海角　我要在你的身边

爱的感觉这么强烈　我怎能否决不管天涯海角　我要在你的身边
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the lyrics says everything....suddenly this new yet familiar feeling overwhelms me again....some one give me an answer soon? what am i do to? how do i react? should i just give up?

so many questions, so little answers.....it's all finally coming together, i want to be with someone right now, all the time.......do you feel the same way too?

i have come to terms with somethings and decided what's best....

it's true when you hit a realisation point, where things cannot go any further because it's just the way things are.....we'll all learn to move on....i'm sorry, but there's no choice but to move on.

what can we actually do? there's basically nothing much really.....the priorities now is to make this year smooth out properly when it's already so rough.

i kind of like already come to accept that some things can never be.....not many want to admit the fact that some people are more important to us than others.....and some people need more attention than others...because we are all very very different. it's a sad feeling to come to understand that we do not fit like a jigsaw puzzle because all of us have different priorities.

there's always this constant feeling that i don't fit into the world. like a current going against everything i believe.....but yet, i don't find it difficult to swim with other people....i swim with them, not against them....not constantly holding myself in check.it's already tiring enough, and this year has made it more so.

can we be slightly selfish and reckless to just pursue what our hearts tell us to do. because like many many writers have put across - your heart knows you better than you do. sometimes when reality is like this, all there is left to do is to accept it. i'm happy now, like at peace after i've accepted the fact that things don't always have to go your way.

maybe this is what it means by give and take. you take some, you give some and at the end of the day, you decide, whether you like it or not, that some things are not meant to be. and by insisting makes all the differences even more different, and the only similarity that remains is the struggle to try to be the same...that would probably end up in misery and even for my love of risks, it is one road i am not willing to take.

if by cutting my hair makes me think differently, then so be it......i want to be me, not what the school, the band, my classmates perceive me to be. right now, there's only one goal in my mind....will you care to join me? if your answer is not a direct yes, then your heart has already decided that perhaps the things you hold most dear to heart is different. and there's no one to blame for it.....after all the tears and guiltiness, i've already planned to let go....time waits for no man...

seize the day

maybe ritty was right, i am selfish...i'm selfish in a way that i don't think about how others feel...

just today during math it was really really very noisy despite mr see having to keep us quiet....and i'm sure many of us didn't do well for this math paper...so why is no one listening?so it got into me and like get me thinking why no one is taking it seriously already? ching said that they are really too much, like they have so much to talk about even after they've seen their friends whole day in school.

how not to blame them? it makes it even more difficult when they are your friends...and you know that you can't study with people talking around you....then how not to get angry? talk with them? but i don't want to.....i want to listen. am i going to be a freak to listen?

i am selfish by asking them not to talk....it's easier if i tune myself to block out all their noise and focus on mr see....and his words will probably come out like that, "so...if you differentiate this to get *laughter*, and after that you bring this over and you'll have x-1 *"hey you know that person...."*. so understand?" i'm good at blocking out noise, but i'm not perfect at blocking out noise. maybe i should train myself more....

and is it okay to say that you're also being selfish by talking when others want to listen? when i talk, i always assume that other people don't want to listen. or at least the person i'm talking to doesn't want to listen....can it be that this ceteris paribus assumption does not hold.

either way, i'm not doing good ay snapping at people...it's not very nice, but there's a limit to everything. no one is ever noisy by themselves.....but come together and they chat like they've only just met.

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xinyi's right, it's not that they are not taking it seriously, maybe they just need a break....afterall they did study but they didn't get the results they want...i understand how that feels, and that feeling sucks big time.......

Changing Destiny

that day mdm aisha was like asking us if we could actually change out destiny. like if humans have the power to change what is happening to them. ie. if they live in an earthquake zone, can they change their fate of damage everytime an earthquake hits, or droughts for that matter.

can we really change?

let's look at the world now, there are so many things humans are not happy about and are going about to change.....from anime, it's always about changing your destiny into something you want. but reality intrudes and the fact is that changing destiny is like going around in circles....how people who are born in horrible parts in the city end up being like their parents. yet there are also success stories of how these people who are unwilling to resign to their fate and stood up against their destiny.

so the question remains, can we really change our desitiny?i believe we can, if we want our destiny to be changed hard enough.

to me, destiny is like a fixed path. with fixed number and type of obstacles that you have to overcome, so that path never changes. but how you would want to walk that path is different. you can always meet an obstacle, face it and get around it, but another obstacle will always come. to have courage is to be willing to step into that obstacle and make progress. to "resign to fate" is to keep stalling there, walking back and forth but never ahead of yourself.

everyone is destined for greater things. like all roads lead to Rome....all the glory and majesty and you're made to have. but life is not easy, although the road is short, but it is littered with booby-traps, quicksands and much difficulty. so, no matter where you start or what route of destiny you take, the end will always be the same for everyone. everyone can be who they want to be....if only you trust yourself that yuo have the capabilities to do so.

things like high IQ, being in a good school, getting in a top class helps you to get there faster....but emotionally, you must also be ready to face the DEStination, your DEStiny....if you get there too soon, you may completely miss the signs of your destiny...if you get there too late, you may not have the strength to meet your destiny. so when your heart tells you that the time is now - the time is now for you to meet yout destiny, you must follow it...you cannot let anything get in yuor way.....you have to cross whatever quicksand or booby-trap and use abit of a common sense to reach the end.

i heard my destiny calling me....although i may not be the most intelligent person, and although i may not be the most dilligent around. but i know my destiny is tailored for me...i only have to hear it properly and not give up. to tell the truth, i don't know what i'm doing or how i'll react when i get there....but i know my heart will guide me through......

i don't have the money to go overseas to study....but something tells me there is a way out of that....because my only other worry besides getting good grades is this. and i know many times i almost got the perfect grade if it is not for other commitments. right now my only commitment is myself and my parents and my studies.....logically speaking, i should be able to do it....so why am i not doing it well?

maybe because i know inside i haven't trully faced my problems.....maybe it's true, somethings don't change....i've been too arrogant to face my weaknesses.

Front

haiz....today got back chem paper and was totally demoralised....like totally....then after going through the mcq questions even more demoralised.like you know the answers to the questions but like why didn't you think of it before?

oh wellz.....it seems that everybody has gotten a study partner....heard nat asked van today, maybe i'm not suitable bah....haiz, everybody got their own needs mah....can't expect people want to study together with the same people also.

i really want to ace my a'levels and from the looks of it, it's further than i thought it would be. so maybe i should just stop being complacent and start to be hardworking and serious about stuff. afterall, your own grades that matter. in other words you are responsible for your own grades....

then the irony is that when you work hard, people look at you like some sort of freak. i can so predict that if i work hard, the class will probably think i'm possessed and give me weird looks. that's what i don't want. like instead of giving ppl weird looks, why can't you just work hard together? it's not the issue of being given the weird look, but more of the sense of not belonging anymore. like since you're studying on your own, giving teachers extra prelim papers to mark keep asking questions etc etc, so you're no more part of us.

part jealousy? part envy? i feel that sometimes, but that makes it even more challenging and doesn't it make you want to improve? instead of having all that negativity, maybe you can put it more positive?

so from now on, i know it's not worth the friendship to make things this way. but if in the process that i am working harder, don't make it sound like it's my fault for working so hard. because from the start of the year, i've already decided what i wanted, and since recently the odds are stacked even higher, there's no loss if i even try to out-do myself.

have you ever got the feeling that you're so desperate and there's not other option that you have to take a chance? every day of year 2 this feeling has been in me......every day every day....if i don't score for A's this year - 2007, i may never have a 2nd chance. and frankly speaking, our education system has given us more than enough 2nd chances.....and maybe because i'm not used to NOT having a second chance, that's why i'm becoming rather desperate.

this block test has done nothing to pull me up...and i still have a long way to go. so this is what i'm going to do.

it's about time that i pull the gear up, because frankly like what mr lim said, i'm at 50%, and to let that potential go to waste makes it very unworthwhile....so maybe just for the once in my life, i'm giving my 100% for exams....

Prelim将不会是一个挫折而是成功的第一步。block test不会是一个失望而是一种推动力。

i kinda know that van and nat would love this skin....hahaha, A) its in their favourite colour and B)they're both kids.....(right xinyi?)

hope you guys/gals would like this skin as i do....well....it's much brighter than the previous one....exactly how i feel right now...Love ya all~!

Gloating

oh yah....what was i trying to do in the first place? it's youth day, and i'm lazing my day away....hahahaha, that princess Di concert was great....at least anything with andrew lloyd webber is great.

haiz, realised how much i missed the technicolour coat....seriously, after a's or prelims at least, i'm heading out to HMV to order miself a hugh collection of musicals.and no one will stop me from swishing that credit card that i earned so hard for.

oh man, after reading von's blog made me feel sad....well, i guess when you when you complain abt little things, there are other big things to look after, such that yuor little whines and complaines aren't important anymore.

i so want to learn how to sing, like seriously.....all of a sudden impulse..

oh yah! i realised professional ballerinas are really muscular, an extract of swan lake make me realise that.....the tendons were like showing. some part of it feel queasy, but most of it was awe.
(why didn't i want to attend ballet? oh yes, i remembered, i was busy practising the piano)

so yah.....right now, it's 2:20pm and i'm still not very motivated to start on chem. like hell man.....it's youth day~ it's supposed to be a day for US. haiz.....sometimes we have to stop being selfish and look at what we can do, rather what people can do for us.

it sounds very noble, and it's harder to do than to say, but really....consider the fact that we all have our things to do. maybe, we should all focus on what we really want before actually doing it in the first place.

take for example - i love to cook, bake, make a mess of the kitchen. and that came from my love for food and nutrition, a subject i took for O's. so it's like a cycle, love for food leads to love for nutrition leads to love for cooking leads to love to experiment lead to love for food again.

i was thinking about it yesterday, that we all love to do the things we want. and life is like a cycle that never stops revolving around you - whether you reject that fate is entirely up to your courage to want to break free. however, if you take the first step and start doing something you like, then you've already made the cogwheels of another cycle of fate to turn. but this time, this is a cycle that you enjoy to be in.

like a bond in a covalent molecule. when one part of your life is lacking in something, and someone else can give you what you need, automatically, the static force of attraction binds you to this person. unless a force more power can overcome than bond.....this molecule exists for as long as time exists. and we are the examples of that bond.

so why not take mother nature's example....start building your life on the bonds that make you happy.

you must learn how to accept love and learn how to be willing to give love back. if you keep accepting, you'll be like a vacuum, or a blackhole, forever sucking but never filling up inside. if you keep giving and never accepting, then you'll be a like a free radical. forever substituiting and invading healthy cells. but when one is willing to give and the other accept that gift. then perhaps an equillibrium is reachd and peace is restored.

why can't we all follow this principal. when times are hard, there are moments when we tell ourselves to make a decision that you know will affect your perspective. these are what many authors call "cross-road" moments. so if you try for once to step out of your comfort zone and take on the challenge of giving first, accepting later, or if you know you need help, accepting first, and giving later...then perhaps you'll find what you need and sometimes if you're lucky, what you've always wanted.

A little dose of Fright

“真是奇怪！”

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lolz.......wah! i can't wait to give von her birthday present!!!hahahahaha.......it'll so shock her and literally blind here...lolz, it's one of the most radical changes i've ever made for you...hope you can make radical (postive i mean) changes for yourself!suddenly there's this urge to flip the blanket around and make some subtle but important changes for someone...*evil laughter*

oh anyway, there's so much free time suddenly. weird huh? like after all the mugging for chem and i realised i had one more free day. oh man, i'll feel really guilty if i don't score for chem, like all the hard work mr lim has put in for us. it's time we do something about it don't you think?

hahahaha, i'm not an avid fan of ghost movies, shows what-nots, but really, thanks to sok ying i still like ghost hunt because not only, is it less scary, it kinda reminds everyone that people do have a darker side about things, and the world's not pretty.( with all the pollution?hah!mother earth has serious pimple issues)

anyway, although i much dislike the scare and the "horror" of ghost hunt, i still want to watch it. lolz, because on one hand, i like anime, on the other, i'm kinda bored also (with all the free time mentioned earlier). whatever the reasons, right now, i'm thinking of hugging my largest cushions and and turning down the volume so at least the scare isn't magnified.

no one in the right mind (except for those adrenaline junkies) should watch scary movies at night, or watch it alone. because you won't think straight at all for the rest of the day. there was once an episode sort of had this hand thing hanging out from the car window, and after watching. i went to the kitchen to grab some drink and guess what i saw that scared the senses out of me. outside my kitchen window was this grey thing hanging down and flapping. for a moment i thought it was, you know...but after that, i realised it's just a neighbour's fly-away shirt that had dropped on the ledge....imagine the trauma