Life Expectancy: 65 Years
Claud An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart. She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art. For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up, in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Gabbro and Central Place Theory
It's hard to concentrate on a mid-term test when there's some professor talking next door (a wooden partition does not a sound-proof make). It's even harder when he's talking about Geology...
I saw him carrying maps into the class next door (there's only 1 entrance to the ajoined rooms) and later during the absolute silence of the test, he was telling the class next door about dolomites, gabbro, GRA-nite (like it's the most macho thing in the world) and basalt....how to identify sandstone, why it has ripples....etc etc...
damn...i get the fact that life sucks, but do they really have to make it some kind of personal joke?
But hey! I get a free lesson! Whee~
Although i can finish the test in an hour, but i stayed back for another 40mins so i can listen to the lesson going on next door. HAHA....majorly distracted. After a while i willed myself to finish the paper so i can listen =D
Wahaha...the exam venue rocks...literally.
11:02
Monday, September 28, 2009
Buffet! *burp*
Yesterday was a packed day...haha..all in the name of good fun!
In the morning, I had tuition. I was late so took a cab (stupid alarm didn't go off) and the cab uncle was chatty in the morning. He told me the previous day's F1 race drummed up such good cab business that the race and the F1 Rocks concert required 200-300 cabs.
That's alot of taxis!
In any case, it was so good business that he knocked off at only 3am...haha
So later went down to plaza sing to meet my groupmates to finalise the last draft of our essay and presentation. In any case, i feel really confident about our essay and i think the academics are going to like it.
Afterwards, rushed down to Hougang to catch a phantom bus. Seriously, the silly me forgot that the chartered bus to Renci/IMH doesn't run on Sunday...made nic and me rush for nothing. So ended up taking a cab down which is darn near..yeah...only 5bucks. HAHA
Later, went to see my mum past visiting hours because i didn't want to see those people and spend more time with my mum talking to her. Afterwards, we then headed off to orchard to do a little window shopping and we both wanted to buy shoe...but didn't work out so...*shrugs*
Afterwards, chris called and said that he'll be running late because his buddy still hasn't come in to takeover his duties. Yvonne also called for a favour asking me to record about 10-20 exchanges in a conversation for a project. We were heading into Zara at that point of time and Taylor Swift was playing...so i recorded a conversation with Nic about the Taylor Swift and Kayne West interruption. Seriously...i'll not listen to my voice on recording anymore..i sound damn bitch and bimbotic. ARGH...and dare i say pushy.
HAHAHA...no wonder right?
(psst! i'm never saying bloody shit ever again. Doesn't sound good)
So later Nic and I went to Sakura buffet and ate our hearts out. We were super shocked to see the dory fillet to be no bigger than my palm *excluding fingers* and that's REALLY small.
The lamb chop on the other hand, is so big that it drooped off the plate. Speak about differences. Yeah...so we talked about Nic's work at a bookstore in a school that mostly have foreigners...HAHA and i told Nic that i WANT to work there. Period.
HAHAHA...hopefully they'll allow me to! I don't mind the low pay...i just wanna work there WAHAHA. Sometimes work is not about the pay, it's the fun too!
So in any case, Chris turned up and was so hungry that he cleaned up everything that was on the table. HAHA...i kept reminding him he that was pig. LOL...what i didn't tell him was that he also acts like a vacuum cleaner of food. WAHAHA
ok!
After that wonderful dinner at Sakura (we cleaned out the sashimi bar!), we went to Billy Bombers to have that wonderful milkshake. I personally found it hilarious because the milkshake cup came with a straw and a long spoon (look above). So put together, it looked like a birthday cake with 2 big candles on it. HAHAHA...ok, Claudia's mind work in strange ways.
It was a wonderful day! Haha...so long never catch up with Nic le...(aiyah, chris i always talk to him one, who misses him?OKOK don't beat me!)
I don't know what to say sometimes, in times of sadness and confusion, I'm glad that I'll be able to find great times like this as well! =D *hugs to all*
10:13
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Time
To all who have been worrying about me:
Give me time.
I'll figure an alternative soon.
I don't wish to disappoint anyone with my choices...so right now, unless I'm absolutely sure, I want to keep this under wraps for now until I have sorted it through.
I promise I'll feel better after that. =) No worries ok? You all have yours to deal with also....
Thanks for being there to listen and advise - whether it was painful or not. It is painful for me to hear it...but i understand it's even more painful to deliver it.
BRB. - Over and out.
We need more places to study. Period.
23:58
Thursday, September 24, 2009
20th!
Yesterday felt more like my birthday than the actual day...I don't know if HLKY felt the same way O.O
Haha...but yes, I had so much fun and laughed so much that I actually teared and got sore throat. LOL...
Nat and Vann were toying with the lamp and kept performing "magic" with it. At some point Van could even switch off the lamp in the opposite table behind us! hahaha....so shen rite? (She tripped the wire)
So when our drinks came, it was so colourful!HAHA...XY and my Cranberry Lustre tasted as good as it looks! Kris had peppermint tea, which helped in my sneezing bouts, nat had rose 'butt' (rosebud) tea and vann had a lemony concoction of ZOC.
HAHA...i love the soup! I think the soup tasted better than the dish. LOL...but my chicken wasn't half bad except that it was a little dry and XY's and Vann's salsa dish had no salsa? lol...i think it because while waiting for ritty, we waited and the dishes had turned cold. I don't know, you know tom yam soup?When it cools down the spiciness also diminishes?
Ritty finally came in with Nat....with my cake. Funny that it was cheesecake, because that same morning, i baked a cheesecake with my Soci of Food groupmates and had some leftover. So Kris and XY wanted slices and i brought. Before the cake came in, we were eating my cheesecake. Later, when Ritty and Nat walked in with the cheesecake, i was like "WOW....THIS IS A COINCIDENCE OR WHAT?!"
hahaha...they started to burst into song and so did the whole restaurant, which made me red-faced for a good 30 seconds which, warning cliches ahead: seemed to last forever. BUT it such a nice feeling to have the whole restaurant sing...embarrassing, but nice =) My poor Ritty told me that he was equally embarrassed as well and someone on the far end of the restaurant said something really loudly like "boyfriend ah!"
So nat was industriously cutting stabbing the cake. I think the base was thick that's why the normal plastic knife couldn't penetrate. In any case, it was quite funny to watch her cut the cake into such nice proportions...leaving the chocolate for me =D I didn't now how to eat the strawberry with the green leaves still attached though. HAHAHA...kris and XY had their 2nd serving of cheesecake. I don't think they minded.
Yeah....later talked and made a fool of ourselves..but what i'm especially happy was the gift exchange!
Finally I could give them their presents that for some, were long overdue (*sneeze nat sneeze kris*)....so happy to see their faces lit up when they received their gifts. To me, I think that's like receiving a gift in return. HAHA...I finally got my Moschino Hippy Fizz!
REALLY! I think for the many times we went Sasa and smell that perfume hoping one day i could own that Happy Yellow Bottle that held that Happy Yellow Fragrance...whee~ Now i can be reminded to be happy everyday! LOL....Thanks Nat, Vann and XY for going around town to find a suitable wallet for me...=) I know it was hard work trying to get one right...I appreciate the effort more!
So yes...it was a magical day in more ways than 1....Applause to Nat for the successful gathering...i seriously didn't even see the cake coming. HAHAHA....well apart from the birthday girl catching a chill and sneezing endlessly during some of our many picture sessions, i wouldn't have traded any single of it for anything else.
I would like to see HLKY enjoy something so meaningful sometime...heh heh heh heh
09:35
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
The importance of being Tired
Today i had tuition in the evening after a long hectic day...
At the end of the lesson, my student told me "'Cher, you tired or not ah? I super tired leh."
I was like (in my heart) "WALAO! YOU HAVE NOOOOO IDEA...."
hahaha....but of course being me, i just smiled and said "The myth?Uni is NOT going to be easier."HAHA...u should see his expression. it was like the i-just-realised-i'm-being-screwed look.
In any case, it's interesting that such anecdotes make the lesson much more less tiring. I swear i was almost halfway rolling on the ground when i was walking to his block.
Being in Sengkang does help not.
22:56
Monday, September 21, 2009
My Personal Obsession
Some may say that i have an unhealthy obsession with studies.
I guess it's always easy to look at someone from a far, and judge what he/she has done. Like my mother's relatives can always look from the outside and judge that either party is right or wrong.
That's why political news never intrigued me. It's difficult to know the country unless you live in it. Difficult to know the status quo unless you have been affected by it. Only then, can you make a statement and argument. That's why researchers do a thing called "field studies".
In any case, UWA has replied me (after 9weeks) and tonight, i'm going to work it out with Nat...love that girl's practicality and money-mindedness.
It's going to be a committment. I know it's going to be the best for my family. =)
What do i do...when i know in the future, i'll be so far away from home. It's never going to be easy isn't it? Like now, for 2 years, i keep telling myself. When there's a will, there is a way. In the future, a flight is none to far than 4 hours away. If I want to, all i have to do is hop on a plane and i'll be home in no time!
Isn't it the same, if i am stationed in singapore, but my work makes me travel every month? I think it's just the reverse. HAHA..ok la, just trying to see it from the other way...
I want a future for my family...tts all i want.
______________________________________________
I'm toying with another idea now.
I want to open a study lounge, where students of all ages can come and order a cup of coffee, tea or drink and just study there the whole day. They'll be loads of power sockets for laptops.
There will be loads of tables and chairs, grouped not more than 2-4. They can stay there the whole day as long as they order a cup of coffee. When it's time to eat, there'll be a set meal to cater for empty stomachs.
There will also be a booth which is sound-proofed which can be booked by the hour for discussions or private tuitions.
AND the only rule in that lounge is no talking.
Opens from 9am-11pm.
The only reason why i'm having this idea right now is because today, when i'm looking for a place to study. there is none.
My goal is to open as much branches in heartlands as possible. Dammit....goodbye to no-places-to-study!
(copyright: Claudia. HAHA)
15:41
Friday, September 18, 2009
Love
It's never too early to tell someone "I Love You" but it can always be too late - itwaslovewhen.com
awwwwwww~
reading websites like these renews my confidence in love....especially stories like these are true.
=D
21:50
raining
It can't rain later, it can't rain earlier.
It HAS to rain now, when i'm about to go out. Brilliant.
15:18
Thursday, September 17, 2009
The big 2-0
Ok...i sound old. But 20 is pretty young. Given i still have to live until an average age of 80.
In any case, the 16th of September was roughly like this
7:30: Woke up thanks to my dad insistent demands
8:00: Breakfast
8:30: Bathe, change
9:00: Ambulance to Renci
9:40: Arrival at Renci
10:00-11:30: Admission procedures, counselling, medical team consult wiping cabinets etc...
12:30-13:30: Lunch at my dad's youngest bro's chicken rice stall
1400-2100: Lectures
2100-2230: Presentation
Sounds hectic?
But I enjoyed every minute of it. Although i very much want to snuggle back in bed to sleep...but I must say, i'm not happy, but i'm not unhappy also.
It takes my mind off things - like my soon-to-be-extinct-relatives, my mum, my never-ending readings and school work...ok, the more i speak about it, the more upsetting it becomes.
1 step at a time!
Meantime, i want to enjoy my youth. The worries can come later...
Thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday! *much love
Thanks to all who forgot but meant to wish me on my birthday after reading this...i understand how things can sometimes slip your mind when you're occupied
Thanks to all who remembered but do not see a need to send frivolous smses...i understand your rationality
Thanks to all who forgot and don't care to wish me on my birthday...i understand i have never been much of an active participant in your life and i don't expect anything from you. Hope things will be different as the years go by!
20 will be a better year than 19....each year will always be better and brighter than the last: if only you choose to see it that way.
__________________________________________
Mummy!您女儿长大懂事咯！
22:57
Monday, September 14, 2009
Explosion
I felt Plinian today...that's a Volcano-speak for "The Most Explosive Eruption ever Recorded".
My mum's entry to Renci has been met with the most resistance. Today is no different.
My dad was trying to explain to my grandma why there was this confusion when things blew up.
My grandma accused my dad of lying to her. My dad was trying to explain to her all the issues that has been happening thus far (their accusal for our application for the court order in the first place, then after that bringing my mum home etc). She started to throw the most ridiculous of accusations at us. Like how my dad's brother has ulterior motives to "crush" (chinese translation) my mum via influencing my dad and myself.
Then i just blew it. After hearing those ridiculous accusations, i shouted at her to right the wrong things. I told her that she never once came to clarify those things and came to her own conclusions about the problems. If she had just come to clarify with me, i'll be more than happy to explain it truthfully to her.
Then i go abit carried away by saying that her own children has made our lives a living hell and partly my mum has to go Renci is because her words to me was to always take care of my grandma. I told her that i'm just following what my mum told me - i asked if anyone has considered that fact. I told her that she's old and retired and all my mum's life was dedicated to making those around her as comfortable as possible. I told her that being a grandma, she's the closest thing to a mother as it's ever going to get. I told her that my mum would not see my marry, nor have children etc...to go through life with me - and i'm barely even 20.
She said that i was cold-hearted and didn't care about my mum now that i'm all grown up. I shot her off by telling her that in the day, she would want to spend time with my mum. The visitors come all the way here to spend time with my mum and i can hardly be selfish to rob their precious time. So i told her that as a daughter, i'll make way for the rest...that i can talk to my mum at night. But you people just have to crowd me out. Whatever words i say to my mum is private, it's not for the world to hear. I told her to verify this information with my maid. I always go into the room at night to say good night to my mum. I told her that if she didn't see it, she cannot assume that i didn't do it. It's grossly unfair....
Sometimes, i think telling people off is good therapy. I don't condone it of course, but sometimes, i have no choice. If i don't speak up, i never will....and sometimes seniority just have to listen once in a while.
She was shocked when she heard about what we had to say about my dad's stolen cum swapped handphone and the ransacking. I don't think her children told her about it. Big surprise.
I keep asking her to consider the fact that we, as a family, know what we're doing and to give us time to prove ourselves. I told her that even before that happens, you all are scrambling to gain control over this, criticise that....without ever letting us have a say in the first place..
I must have broke her heart when i told her that i'm disappointed in their family - one that i thought i could trust and were open to discussion. it turned out that it was all fake and for appearance. I told her that family don't need appearances because whatever you do, it's in your heart.
I'm sorry for screaming and i'm sorry for losing my temper. But i'm not sorry for setting things straight.
_____________________________________
I hope that the judge can be kind and see my relatives for the people that they are - fanatics, selfish, delusional and proud. I don't want to see my family robbed again, of the peace and calm that we so deserve. I don't want my dad to go to court, but I have little choice.
Sometimes they say that choices shape our destiny. Now I scoff at that statement. There are some choices that were made for us, that transforms our destiny and we have not the slightest control over it. It is not fate, it is not destiny - it is just the way it is. It is because we humans have evolved to such a state where we can simulate the future and imagine the past. If we didnt' have this ability, we wouldn't be in the state we are now - there would be no wars, no conflict. There would be no such things as assumptions. Assumptions are the root cause for all miscommunication, and above all, pride. When we assume, we think we know and are too proud to admit the possibility that we may be wrong. When you assumptions are contested, you feel uneasy because your pride is proved wrong. I think courageous people are those who dare to say that they can be wrong and who are able to admit that they are, when pointed out.
22:55
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Zoo!
Finally!Something to laugh and smile about...HAHA...XY's bday!
Who needs the guys (except the ones we didn't banish)! I think i had a great time today won't you agree? =)
In any case, all i can remember about Jialiang is him rushing from one animal exhibit to the next like when we enter the tiger enclosure, he was like snapping a few pictures and then, "NEXT NEXT!"
HAHAHA
I cannot stop laughing.LOL
A little shower in the late afternoons during the elephant display got kris and me a little zonked out but nat and vann were like high as ever. Dare i say those cousins really make out day damn high.
lol....
More importantly, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARL!
Hope you had a wonderful day! And thanks to the 3 musketeers: van, kris and pop for the plans.
Hee....can't wait for mine!
AND YES, i feel damn guilty for owing so many people birthday presents. haha...paiseh!
20:37
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Causal
I believe that positive thinking bring positive people and likewise the opposite.
So I'm feeling in this case, I'm no happier by making them unhappy and I'm not unhappier by making them suffer.
I thought that by making them suffer, i'll be happier. But the fact is, it's very sad to see family go down the pipe while you stand up there with a smug look on your face.
It's never a matter about revenge. It was a matter of justice. All I have wanted to do was to sought a sense of peace and knowledge that they will leave us alone. But time and again, their acts get more and more desperate - and every time they strain my tolerance till the break point. Thank god i'm not a a chalk that snaps, but a wooden board that gives way. But there will be a breaking point for all...i just don't know when.
In any case, there are many incidences - too many to count - within this last few months that were "mistakes" due to our trust in them. Way long before, like the 3 week since my mum entered the hospital, my aunt asked if my mum gave me the PIN to my mum's bank account stating that they are concerned about my access to cash and all. In any case, i told her that my mum gave me her PIN for this very purpose. Now looking back, I realised that that information was abused and misused - for blocking our access to my mum's account. Legally, they are right. However, as family, it's beyond unethical.
I still contemplate if i should come down hard on them. Funny that i should ask this question right? Given how difficult they make my family's life is, i should let them go.
I find that sometimes, happiness is more important. It matters more to me that my dad and i can let things go and search our own happiness. If taking them down will do that - by scaring them away and/or locking them in jail - then i'll gladly pursue that. However, if there is an alternative to deal with them so that they can leave us alone, then i'll take that option. I don't want feathers to ruffle and have a long unending lawsuit. It's going to be draining.
I rather look forward to the future and smile at my prospects, than look back and see how much pain they are putting my family through.
Retribution and revenge won't make me happier than before, it'll make me more vindictive and selfish - like the people i am opposing now. They are afterall, my mother's siblings. While they do not choose to see us as my mum's child and husband, i can CHOOSE to be better than them. They represent the my mum's past, my dad and i represent her future (or a future that could have been). In any case, my mother would have wanted me to let her past go and not be sucked into the never ending feud.
For all our sakes, we need to give and let live. This is not weak. This is merely wanting to be happier again. I want to look forward. The only way that i'll turn against them, is when they take the things that are important to me: my father and my dream.
If they take away my anchors in life, i don't know what i'll do next.
It's only fair that my dad and i deserve a better life. Afterall, that's what my mum would have wanted us to have.
I don't think these people truly know the extent of their damage. I want to show them, so as to stop them from hurting others and to leave my dad and i in peace.
That's all.
09:22
Doubt
It's not about my relatives for now.
I'm a bit sad. But i shall be patient.
Maybe it's not "forget" but rather "later" to know. I shan't be impatient.
Then again, i'll take my own advice and say, "Let it go."
Nothing is worth holding on, if holding on is going to make me miserable. It's not cold, it's not caring the person less. It's just not taking it personally and letting things be to develop naturally. One day, we will know the purpose of this.
Humans are advanced to a level where we can anticipate and simulate future events. We don't need to make onion and egg ice cream to know it tastes horrible or weird. However, the danger comes when we believe in our simulations/assumptions and blind ourselves to the other possibilities because the "scenerios" are the only ones we can think of - and we thus act in that way and it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So yes, i shall be patient and wait.
00:04
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Battlefield
The situation with my relatives are turning ugly. First the resistance for my mum to enter Renci, and now, the fight for the custody of my mum.
My dad received a lawyer's letter today from the bas-terds. They wanna file for a court order with my dad in tow. (fat hope, like we're going to work with these people) They asked my dad to sign a consent form to allow the release of my mum's medical reports so that they can file for the court order. It also states that if my dad doesn't do so, it's going to high court to ask my dad to sign. In addition, they stated that my dad had "intimate smses" with 4 numbers, of which 1 was an overseas number (no link cuz my dad has no overseas contacts) the other, we tried to call, was a malay woman whom my dad didn't recognise and the other 2 known ones are his female-friends. Furthermore, they stated the exact amount, date and my FREAKING bank account number saying we transferred money.
I mean come on. I'm sure some of my readers love their siblings and some more than others. But don't you think this is a little TOO FAR?
It's gone beyond the relm of reason to irrationality. And economists tell me that people act in their self-interest. I wonder that kind of self-interest would take not 1, but 3 people that far. I don't think the love of a sibling is that strong a motivator. Then again, as an only child, what do i know.
Nat asked me the other day how much i can take...how much can a person take. Every time such stuffs happen, it's a new limit and then another limit. One fine day, that ceiling's gonna blow. I don't know what i'll do then.
Would society judge me as a homicidal woman who murdered her relatives in cold blood? Leaving behind innocents? Or will I commit suicide and end it all in me. Or will I become pathological and develop insanity? Will I become anti-social? Will I hate people? What will I become after this? A monster or a saint?
I fear for my own sanity. Every time such things happen just push me that closer to the edge.
Fact of life is, except a few, people generally do not care. That's why, in anthropology, i ask myself questions - don't anyone feel that there is something terribly wrong with our world system?
23:28
Old Bones
Wah...damn tired.
I like my classes, as in the history and theory of architecture one, but ending at 10pm (every week) is taking a toll on my body. It's ok if it ends 10pm, the fact that the next day i have 10am classes makes me wanna bunk in sch. HAHA..sad i dun have friends to bunk with.
In the mean time...i'm smitted by 2 of my lecturers. Not in the romantic sense of the way, but by the way they deliver. Hahaha...so unbelievably funny.
like my archi prof, he was describing Frank Lloyd Wright as he, "he deh-signed deh roof, and the floors, youunderstandwhatimean, the cha-irs, the back you can si he repeat the pah-tern on the ceiling. You know, the client of dhis 'ouse kalled him one night about leaking in dee roof. Frank Lloyd Wright asked him to move his chai-r 20 shee-m to the right. He doesn't like peep-ple to change his deh-sign. kon-ter-rol fre-ak. some deh-signers also deh-sign the, shoes of the client?"
Hahaha...just damn cute lor. cuz japanese so tts why i highlighted some of the syllabus.
HAHAHAHA...ok, i shall stop here. Starting to sound like a stalker.
In any case, the main point here is i'm drained. I'm only happy on wednesdays because that's when my favourite classes are and i can't rest well at home.
I'm looking forward to the 23rd! HAHA..
Everytime i look at my school and reflect back upon my friends. I start to treasure that friendship even more. They seem to be more genuine, more precious, something from an innocent past. When i return to the present, i'm met with frantic people, people who are always seem to be getting to somewhere else. Indifferent. Eager to be "adults". I very much wonder do they understand the implications and meaning of being "adult". I know I have. It makes the environment superficial to study in. The course of study is about the people you study with who makes the day that much better. I hope if and when i leave, my friends can be there supporting me through. Because, that will be the biggest committment in my life, and i have no one else, less my dad, to see me through less. So i'm asking here, it's not about sending me to the airport, it's about keeping in constant contact with me. I'm sure i have much to say, but more importantly, what you have to say means more to me.=D
08:08
Monday, September 07, 2009
Ice-Cream!
If anyone is having a hard time giving me a birthday present...I'll settle for ice-cream.
I think the stress and damndedness just makes me want to indulge in that creamy goodness of Ben and Jerry's.
I don't care if the fat is going to my hips, or lips even. I need something to distract me and remind me that life is still good.
Life is still good.
Gosh, I'm finding it hard to see that fact beyond the tub, for now.
12:26
Saturday, September 05, 2009
Shitty Life
My life kinda feels shitty right now. It's not just my relatives.
I stained my skirt and walked all around Orchard not knowing.
How embarrassing.
One of my good friend forgot my birthday and is going to leave the country before we can celebrate together. =(
My relatives are making my life a living hell my denying my mum the medical care she needs and my dad and i are all out of options. I hope to hell that my lawyer can provide us a solution. But i doubt so. And Renci is not doing anything to help us. At least not that i explicitly know of.
My students failed their econs paper and it seems like they have dementia suddenly during exams and everything i taught them in econs just went down the drain.
I'm sick and tired of having to please everyone and have no one trying to please me.
Sometines things like that make me want to be a monster and end it all. It strangely reminiscence of anime themes like Trinity Blood.
22:20
Friday, September 04, 2009
Birthday.....
I want very badly to celebrate my birthday. Sounds kinda selfish...but i dun care...
I'm very worked out. Tuitions are not a burden, they are my source of distraction and sometimes comfort.
Too many readings...too little time. Maybe i should get down to work now and stop watching online shows.
Meanwhile, as i start to study...i start to think, and is start to reflect upon my life and the bunch of hypocrites.
I don't want it to consume me.
20:16
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Homo Economicus
The dangers of a perfectly rational human being...to kill in a conviction where it is necessary to do so where the lost of that being is of no loss to society.
I believe Hitler was totally rational. The rational solution to establish your supreme power and race was to eliminate all others. His regime invented efficient ways where "you can register them after breakfast, process them before lunch and bury what's left for supper."
I don't want to lose whatever humanity that is left. That sense of compassion and passion. In other words, the feeling of jadedness.
Why am I afraid?
Because I've come to realise that the most comforting way to fill this void in my heart and to deal with the sadness in my life brought about by certain individuals, was to eliminate what's causing this stress. It's the "Final Solution" isn't it?
But that would make me a monster and that is a downward spiral that i won't want to dive into. Yet everytime when shit happens, i try to rationalise the next thing to do...and everytime a bit of my soul dies.
If this keeps up, i don't know how much soul will be left in me.
This is the first birthday that i wont celebrate with my mum out for dinners.
It is also the first where i feel exceptionally melancholic and doubt my existence. Why bother at all, when we are just 1 speck of the millions of specks out there. There is no significance in each and everyone of our existence isn't there? We only exist because we feel. So if we stop feeling, then we are dead.
I don't want to die. I also don't want to feel. So tell me...what am i supposed to do?
I feel like a ghost who cannot cross over. Like a person who cannot go back to her body and live again, and a person who cannot move on to eternal paradise and enlightenment.
I'm afraid. I'm fallible. I am also human.
23:20
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
WORDS OF HATE
MY FUCKING RELATIVES WENT BEHIND MY DAD'S BACK TO RENCI FOR 2 HOURS TO MAKE UP A BIG FUSS AND TELL THEM TO STOP US FROM PUTTING MY MUM THERE.
WHAT FUCKING FUCKING RIGHT DO THEY HAVE?!
WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE.
MY LIFE IS HORRIBLE ENOUGH, AND I'M ALREADY WILLING TO LET THIS GO WITHOUT EVEN SEEKING SCORES. YOU PROMISED TO LET US PUT HER THERE. MAYBE SINCE YOU CAN BREAK ONE PROMISE, I DON'T SEE HOW YOU CAN'T BREAK ANOTHER.
I CAN'T FUCKING TRUST PEOPLE ANYMORE.
WHO HELD MY SHOULDER WHEN I CRIED FOR MY MUM? MY DAD AND MY FRIENDS. EVEN MY MUM'S FRIENDS.
BUT I DON'T SEE YOU WHEN I'M IN MY DEEPEST DARKEST MOST SADDEST POINT IN MY 2008.
I'M EVEN WILLING TO LET IT GO, REASONING IT TO MYSELF THAT PERHAPS YOU'RE FEELING THAT MUCH GRIEF TOO. I THOUGHT MAYBE A DAUGHER'S GRIEF IS NOT AS GRAVE AS A HUSBAND'S, A SIBLING'S, OR EVEN A MOTHER'S.
BUT I NEVER FELT CARED FOR.
IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, ALL I EVER CARED ABOUT WAS MY MUM, AND MY MUM ONLY CARED ABOUT ME.
WHY SHOULD THINGS BE DIFFERENT NOW?
I. HATE. YOU.
I DON'T WANT TO.
BUT I WISH YOU WOULD ALL GO TO HELL AND NEVER COME BACK.
DAMN HYPOCRITES.
I WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE. HOW YOU'VE MADE CLAUDIA WONG'S LIFE A LIVING HELL. HOW EVERYDAY SHE WISHED THAT THIS WAS A NIGHTMARE AND SHE'LL WAKE UP.
ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO MAKE A LIFE FOR MYSELF SO THAT MY FAMILY CAN BE PROUD OF ME. BUT YOU ALL NEVER SAW IT THAT WAY. YOU CHOOSE TO SEE IT YOUR WAY - GREED.
I NEVER HAD GREED WHEN I INTEND TO GO STUDY. ALL I WANTED WAS A FUTURE FOR MY FAMILY
IS THAT SIN?
I DON'T WANT YOUR FAKE SMILES, MUCH LESS YOUR FOOTSTEPS THAT SOIL MY HOME.
I WISH I NEVER HAD YOU AS "FAMILY". I SOMETIMES WISH I WAS ONLY RAISED BY MY MUM.AT LEAST WHEN I LOSE, I DON'T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE I LOST EVERYTHING ELSE AS WELL.
23:06
The People/Websites that make me Smile
Friends
Kris
Yong Quan
Xinyi
Vanessa
ShangYi
Chengying
Tracey
Tarrant - poetry
Websites of interest
bits and pieces
Compilations of digital art and art photography
Food blog/photography
XKCD - for a bit of off-beat intellectual humour and sarcasm
Because public spaces can be friendly
For the trivia junkie
F My Life...
Post Secret
6 Billion Secrets
Tales of Romantic Dead Ends
Graphic books, graphic knowledge
The Older Dreamer
Retrospective
July 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 April 2008 May 2008 June 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 December 2008 January 2009 February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010 February 2010 March 2010 April 2010 May 2010 June 2010 July 2010 August 2010 September 2010 October 2010 November 2010 December 2010 January 2011 February 2011 March 2011 April 2011 May 2011 June 2011 July 2011 August 2011 September 2011 October 2011 November 2011 December 2011 January 2012 February 2012 March 2012 April 2012 May 2012 June 2012 July 2012 August 2012 September 2012 October 2012 November 2012 December 2012 February 2013 May 2013 June 2013 July 2013 August 2013
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