CLAUD

Friday, February 26, 2010

my brain...argh

Sometimes i prefer having endless tests and exams than essays to write. Because I have so many ideas in my head, I have to take a very deeeeeeep breath before I start to write anything.

Today was an irony of sorts. I was late for lecture (thanks to the bus) and I could feel my prof's eyes when I entered. He's really into punctuality and he's more on than YJ teachers. So yes...embarassed much.

Then later during the break, Sabu and I were talking and didn't realise that break's over. There were people running in from the arts canteen and the LT's pretty noisy. So happened I was wearing a purple turtleneck and then he said "that girl in black and purple if you don't wish to listen I don't mind if you leave." or something along those lines. It was so acidic I thought that I might dissolve in shame or something...HAHA...sabu was like heck-caring him la

So later, he announced that he's going to give out papers one-by-one at his office. It's pretty strange given how the other profs i know usually deposit them at the general office for us to collect or give them out during lecture. HAHA...

So jiayun's gang and me went to collect and when it was my turn, he said he needed to talk to me for a while. My heart just stopped lah...i thought what happened can?! then wei jun was like "orh hor...." HAHA...but she meant it jokingly...so cute.

So happened that the reason why prof wanted to talk to me was because i did very well for my term paper and he wanted to ask me for my permission to use it next year. HAHA...i didn't know what to say and just told him "HAHA...i'm flattered...." LOL! what are you supposed to say to such things? I just giggled like some small girl la.....=.=

ok...happy happy~ sabu and i were saying that we can't imagine how he would have felt, if he realised that the girl he called out earlier talking actually wrote that kick-ass paper....HAHAHAHA...

so now my head is so filled with artsy feminine stuff that it's gonna explode. I think I am doing a mental cat-and-mouse game. Because my art prof is very critical and very right and I am second guessing everything I am going to present. Feminine art discourse is something that is touchy I think and it's something that requires a lot of content to support. So I am afraid for taking on such a big project that might either land my grade with an A+ or a C- =(

Then again, I like challenges...until i fail them that is. HAHAHAHAHA...

OK...i need to sleep on this. Right now my head is swarming with words like "Manet", "feminism", "olympia", "gaze", "stupid-nus-library-doesn't-have-the-book-i-want", "thank you shangyi for helping me on this" and "need to help yvonne find kids"

=D random but fleeting thoughts.

Maybe I should write a paper soon to expend that energy.

Geez...now i'm starting to sound like a nerd. O>O

16:24

Sunday, February 21, 2010

rambling thoughts

what if homosexuality is necessary in humans to control women's fecundity (meaning, the ability of a woman to reproduce n number of children in her life time)? If the whole human population is hetero, then wouldn't the population be doubling at a faster rate which can potentially degrade the environment?

So actually, having homosexuals around can be a positive thing to the larger humanity - that nature passes on genes to certain individuals as a limiting agent to our reproductive capacity.

Which means, if there are more and more humans in this world i.e. we increase birth rates of this world by a large amount, then the only logical conclusion is that there will be more homosexuals around isn't it? Both due to a natural increase in numbers of the population, and also as a limiting stabiliser for the welfare of our community.

And we feel that there is an 'increase' in homosexuals today. But that is also because we have unprecendented numbers today. The growth rates of human population has never been so fast and so large. So if following my line of reasoning and assumption that increasing numbers of humans do degrade the environment, then the growth in number of homosexual male and females will therefore act as a 'limiter' so that our numbers do not grow too large for our own good?

Hahaha...just some rambling thoughts and hypothesis. Of course, I do not profess to know much about this. Just a random-middle-of-the-night thought.

00:01

Monday, February 15, 2010

The More I read

The more I read, the more I do not want to read.

And no, I'm not referring to my readings from Uni. On the contrary, I want to do MORE - find out more so that I can erase other people's misconception.

It's very hard to accept the fact that this is going on, why can't people see through another lens and not one that has been stuck with us for the last 200 years.

I believe that it is for everyone's benefit, if we lay our prejudices aside, and be willing to open and and accept that homosexuals, like all other type of group of people, *coughcough*, also have their rotten apples and one bad example does not a population make.

Ever heard of statistical sampling and it is not a representative of the entire population??

I now understand why Cat's brother does what he does. They say knowledge is power and knowledge is also responsibility.

People will always be people, now I know why Prof Merranci said that this world will never change. Perhaps it's time for academics to shed light on the issue? Then again, if they become participative, then would they be able to do their research objectively? Interesting isn't it?

09:41

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Year of the Tiger

Hello! HAHA...this is the year of the tiger, my mum's year. So officially, she's erm, 48 years old this year?

Sometimes the passing years don't seem like a stream. It seems more like an obstacle course which leaves you panting at the end of it. Then you finally feel like lying down on the grass at the end of it, close your eyes and before you know it, you're facing the Almighty on a pedestal in white robes.

At least that's what I like to picture my afterlife to be. Then again, it's not something I look forward to. You mean after life you still wanna live? Geez...I just wanna have a nice long nap =D

in any case, i was at my grandma's for reunion dinner. Before dinner, she approached my dad an I with 2 angbaos. One was to give me for CNY, then i didn't want to take because I said CNY we still meeting mah, why must give now. She just shushed me up and shoved the angbao into my hands. My cousin damn funny, he said in hokkein, "I don't have?" then my grandma damn bad, she said, "you useless one, don't need to give you." WALAO!

then my grandma took 2 very large gold pieces of jewellry from the other angbao and gave to my dad, saying this is for our family (for me precisely). She says that she's getting old and before she passes on, she wants to give us all that she has so that we won't fight after she's dead. She kept insisting that she's very fair and then say that she has distributed it all to her other children already. My dad and I was very tempted to NOT take it, because it meant that she'll be passing on one day, and that thought saddens both of us.

Hahaha...she gave me her pair of gold hoops that my grand-dad gave her when they got married. Then, she gave me a very thick and long necklace and say that I must wear for my wedding. Wah...stress can? Now more excuse to find a husband. HAHAHA!

but what do you do when confronted by such thing? Do you say thank you and give your grandma a hug, or do yo reject and say that when the time comes then you'll take it. How do you accept heirlooms? Don't they come in safety deposit boxes which you will only find out once you grow up?

I guess I have grown up and it's time to 'take over' things.

Of course, please don't rob me (like what my uncle did) after knowing this? You are all good people right?

My point here is not jewellry, it is receiving it. My grandma said something pretty touching and we've heard it so many times. But in this context in giving us her possessions, "I can't bring this to my grave" is being realised.

Material possessions have no meaning, if you have no one you love to give to.

16:35

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Conflict

I was reading someone's blog post about the pastor Rony Tan?

It's quite mind-boggling how people keep focussing on differences, instead of similarities. I think it's quite interesting to note that even in research, people look for trends, and differences between trends to capture what they think is important.

What if we look at our similarities instead? What if we change our world view and see that underlying all those differences and conflict, we are all so very similar? Wouldn't it make us better people?

All religions aim to propagate goodwill and mark the boundaries of morality. So what I do not understand is how people can seek to bend the rules in name of the divine to judge others. Seriously, doesn't anyone see the irony of this? Rony Tan going against the Holy Word to belittle other religions. I see it as the fault of the person, not the religion.

Like I said many times over, it is people who do evil, who wreck havoc in people's lives - not anything else. While I do admit that divinity can and have the possibility of existing, I don't see ghosts killing people have you? Show me one that raises a scythe over you ok? Show me that a bleeding statue of Mother Mary gives humans disease.

SO...my point is, I find it troubling when people use religion to justify their actions when those actions bring harm. It's all in your mind. If you believe that you are doing good, even if clearly you have to violate certain rules to do it, then it's perhaps your way of thinking. I have mine. That's why I'm very curious in finding out the psychology behind people who do such things. What kind of conviction do they have to use divinity to justify their actions?

Rony Tan is at the tip of the ice-berg of the tensions that underlie most societies. I believe in frank and understand discussion, rather than tolerance because one day, that patience is going to run out.

Will you give up a friendship over your religion? Would you rather marry someone else because the one you love cannot convert? Would you abandon your parents because they cannot be Christian? Would you love your kids less because they do not have the same faith as you?

Instead, while believe in something that is unseen, let us also focus on the relationships we have and can build. It is those relationships that make a difference in our life (whatever that difference be positive or negative) and I truly treasure those relationships. We must never lose sight of who we are, that is, we are human and we need one another to survive.

Dying, is for later.

16:08

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Pick Up Off the Floor

This is the song that i wanted to sing that day but the KTV don't have...it's dedicated to my girls out there!

23:11

judge a man not by his post

I heard the title of this entry via a talk. The speaker was saying how people these days judge someone by what he does. I think we can all connect with that.

"Which primary school were you from?"

"Which Secondary school did u manage to get into?"

"Which JC did you go?"

"Which Univeristy are you at? What COURSE are you at?"

I still doubt the use of occupation as a measure of class differences. However, it seems to be that I have to reluctantly accept the idea that what you do, is invariably tied to how people see you.

Although I am lucky to be surrounded by friends around me who don't give a shit about what I am doing. Then again, that's because we know each other as persons, rather as people.

Hmm...do you feel exploited? Prior learning Marx (which people have often misconceive it to be linked to USSR and China. That is NOT Marx btw), I used to be grateful that I have a job. That doing your job well so that it is deserving of your pay. I have forgotten that somehow along the way when Marx started to infiltrate my brain nodules.

Hahaha...just some rants in my head.

I used to think - what is the point of studying all these when we can do shit to change it. Then again, our professors hope that once we have studied these things, we can go and change the current situation. However, I am not so sure if that is going to be a realistic notion. I think we are surrounded by personal problems everyday i.e. rushing to the next meeting, handing up the next assignment, doing your job etc...that we don't think about wanting to change the predicament we are in. In fact, I think it's hard to find TIME to change anything at all.

Maybe activists should be wealthy so that they have time to change? Or maybe that is why change has always been a top down process where those that can afford to even think about change in the first place. If i were a poor menial worker, all I am concerned about essentially is about my next meal.

HMM....professors should be paid more in the future. I think they present a very important future of our society. The admission that something is wrong and embracing the necessity to change for the better. In any case, I hope that changes by the time i graduate at least...HAHA, then i no need to starve.

____________________________________

I believe in immortality.

I believe that there is life after death. However, I do not believe it in the same way as most.

I believe that you live through your contributions - your imprint - on society. I believe that you live through the lives of others.

If you have made a significant difference to others, your contributions generate their happiness and that happiness is from where life comes forth from you because you have made a difference.

So don't think about death as an end. Rather, think about it as an impetus to live and to be lived. To have the comfort in knowing that even in your absence, the people you have touched will continue to live your life - carry on the jokes you make, the memories you forge and the improvements they have experienced because of you.

A breathing man can exist, but a dead man can live. Do you choose to exist or do you choose to live? I choose the latter, because I know that my reputation, my work, my love will continue to propagate through the life of others, and I will live through them.

Life and Death is not a dichotomy, but a continuum that continually meld into alternate forms. When you feel extreme sadness, you feel as if death is here. When you die knowing that people around you have lived better because of you, then you die alive.

So...don't preoccupy your mind of what will come in the future but to live in this life and make it a meaningful one. What comes later, is for later.

That, my dear friends, is the reason why I can fathom the idea of having no after-life.

14:34

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

in life...

i have trouble thinking these days. too many thoughts in my head that it feels like bursting. It's like i don't know how to think coherently anymore. (since when are thoughts coherent anyway?)

so just last sunday went out with 222 for cny steamboat at seoul garden, which left us with more than a filled stomach...you know like the grease smell in the hair?

then went to top one for ktv. i didn't even know there was even KTV IN bugis, i discover something new every time. and it's only Singapore.

So we had a room and everyone was complaining that the room's floor is super sticky. Made me think of unwashable spilled drinks. But anyway, the songs that Xiang Jie sings are so retro! he has a retro voice too...and i can't help but think that he is born in the wrong generation. Wanting to open a kopitiam chain and being fluent (extremely) is very impressive....and i respect people like that.

In any case, singing for jia liang should be made into an IPPT. He seems so breathless at the end of it. Not saying his singing was bad, just bad for his health. A few times i wanted to cut the song for the good of his health. Headlines: Man dies of asphyxiation in KTV Lounge with 3 Girls. How do you think the public will think?!

ANYWAY...went to Jurong Mrt to meet up with Chris for dinner (for the last time already, HE. IS. NOT. MY. BOYFRIEND. PEOPLE.) and he had his blonde moment for leading me the wrong way to IMM, despite my protests that it is in the other direction.

Men. Crooked or not, are still Men. =.=

So today...something weird happened.

When i boarded the bus, there's this guy behind me who winked at me when i was sitting down. I was so shocked that i didn't know what to do except pretend to look out of the window. Then later as the bus travelled, he kept bumping into me (he was standing) such that his erm....body kept touching my arm? eh...i was so shocked that i didn't know how to respond...thank god i alighted before him. hurr...i'm desperate for a man in my life la, but not THAT desperate.

So...tons to do over the CNY. So vonk! CNY day one studying time hor! U have to lend me ur couch to nap =D

23:05

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

class groups modules and bore

reading kris's blog and knowing nat's attachment to her class makes me....kinda envious. Not in a bad way, I am of course, happy for them. However, I have no class to speak of. That was one of the things i foresee when i entered U...because everyone is scattered everywhere, it's hard to say you belong to a certain group, since there is essentially no group to belong to.

Well, belonging to your major helps, but then again, i hardly know anyone in Geography.

Maybe that's how the real world is like, you don't belong to any group or any thing. Finally I can understand why people join clubs and societies....it's the feeling to want to belong...

HMM...a new topic to research =)

15:56

doing everything that is rubbish-y

This morning I snagged my sleepy ass all the way down to Somerset for piano lesson. Then at Khatib I met Chun Howe on the train, it was like one of those What-the-Hec...oh hello such a surprise! moment.

I realise I have a writing trademark, which is the always-seem-to-put-words-in-hyphens-because-i-can't-find-a-single-word-to-describe-what-it-is style.

Ok back to my point...

I'm feeling very research-y these few days. Posted mini-essays on Facebook (under notes) on issues....like beauty and porn. Yes, porn. I'm contemplating whether to write something about homosexual relationships...this thought triggered after I spoke to Chris about it. I don't know enough, yet somehow I feel a compulsion to say something about it after reading a Reading.

Hmm...Claud is in the intellectual mode. In addition, I have essays to do, mid-term to study, and all I can think of is what topic I should do for my PHD dissertation! hahahaha....ok, so rubbish right? Haven't run want to fly already. No la, just a random thought.

I think growing older puts my brain into higher gear. You don't realise I seem to think more meh? Or is there no difference since i'm always thinking. A certain skinny ass keeps telling me to stop thinking and start living...what happens if thinking is precisely what makes me live? AH! SEE?! I'M DOING THAT THING AGAIN.

Claudia's body is just transportation for her brain.

Oh yes, I'm irritated at someone on the forum...such such...narrow-mindedness....=\

15:44