Claud

An avid collector of your hopes and worries, a romantic at heart.

She thanks her fairies, for blessing her with people who know compassion down to an art.

For accepting her for who she is, who never fails to turn up,

in times of need as well as happiness, or just there for a loving hug.

There are some things which only makes sense when the words are said. It is through those words that thought make sense. Aiyah, in short, it's called speaking without thinking it through.

I've always had issues with people, who take offense towards at how I speak/write and they often accuse me of not "thinking first". Yet some tell me that they understand because "I don't mean it" and the best of my friends forgive. I suppose this is a blow to the ego, after all, who likes to hear bad things about themselves. Then after some time, I realised why I have this "problem".

I've placed problems in inverted commas for a particular reason in which I will explain later.

Psychology informs us that there are different kinds of learning habits. Some people learn better by psycho-motor functions, others aurally or by written word. With learning comes thought, and processing and how we come to make sense of the world around us. Therefore, through speech and writing, I learn and process information - that is, I sense and understand the world better as I speak about it. This should come as no surprise since my favourite past time online is blogging - introspection through writing and speech. Others prefer painting or engaging in sports perhaps?

Which means the problem is that I speak as I think, and my thoughts are made obvious because they can be easily perceived by others. Essentially, I simply cannot think before I speak because the thoughts cannot gel in my head. I don't know if this makes sense, because for others, they feel that thinking before speaking is natural.

I suppose that's why frankness is grating against the nerves, because by virtue of your words reflects about others. But thoughts do change under new circumstances and previous unknowns are now made known. Do we hold judgment against someone for what they have once said, or do we find out what they are actually saying now?

I am not making excuses, that everyone should be more forgiving of people who literally, speak their mind. I'm just pointing out how words are often taken personally, and sometimes with undue over-emphasis. I mean, the Enlightenment radically changed how we think and this individualistic attitude towards how we treat our surroundings - i.e. achievements are our OWN doing (similarly to failure).

My point is that, while my condescending tone may reflect upon my thoughts now, and therefore seem slightly tiresome to deal with, it is by no means that that is ALL that I believe in. I have always tried to work on this issue, to try and slow down, and think before speaking. To give an analogy, it's really like a blind person walking in this all-seeing world, where it takes an additional effort to make your way while others take their visual ability for granted. I can imagine that a blind person would be very happy to simply run free, free from worrying if he/she would fall into a pothole on a road, or tumble down the stairs that lead to the underground trains. He/she makes sense of their immediate vicinity as they are moving, while the seeing already knows what's ahead. If we watched our words all the time, it would be akin to confining a blind person at home simply because they are inept at walking around the streets of a city. But we're also kind, we give way to a blind person, sympathise their efforts to try to make their living a better one...we try to understand.

So perhaps there are different kinds of shortcomings, some more obvious than others. All will surface under the right circumstances. The question is whether we are prepared to acknowledge and take things a little less personally. It takes two to clap, it takes one to try to overcome a weakness, and another to lend the supporting hand over an occasional bump in the road.

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I have faith that my friendship is strong enough, such that they will tell me when I've crossed the line, or have gone too far. Like a blind person, sometimes I need people to point me in the right direction. No one can do it alone.



Yesterday I was having a conversation with a friend, and it just suddenly struck me as he was speaking, that all along, I had the assumption that I knew what life was all about. Studying in an institution and having access to knowledge, that not many have regarding social life, has made me arrogant. A slightly more naive version of me a couple of years ago would have thought that what I studied, held the answers to life, and that the professors lecturing in front had better grips with their lives than I.

Perhaps, I've had it all backwards. After all, all research is historic and by means of objectifying-classifying-explaning-evaluating, is linearly retrospective. But life is lived forwards and no amount of research, no matter how well-informed, can tell you the future. It is quite a simple fact - something that I know in my head, but am not convinced in my heart. We all want certainty about the future - but having certainty also means you have less freedom and having more freedom, means you have to deal with uncertain outcomes of your decisions.

These feelings have been overwhelming lately because I feel that I'm standing at the crossroads of life. Graduation for many represents certainty and surety of what they want to do later. After all, half of my class is bonded to MOE to be teachers. Their paths are clear and laid out for them. I sort of envy them from time to time, that they know where they'll be going after graduation.

I finally understand what people mean when they say, "aiyah, you study so much after you graduate also no use one lah". It's true that such studies are never going to be directly applicable. However, theories you read sometimes 'click' and make sense to our own life experiences. They provide valuable insights in how we should have lived our lives. They guide our future actions and how we see the world. And as they said, how you see, changes how you act and inevitably if enough people do it, they can change how things work in the world.

Yet, personal lives remain very much personal. Those that meld their personal and public lives do sometimes alienate those close to them - because they belong to everyone, they are exclusive to no one. Most studies I've read address society as a whole, and even if they meant for it to be individually practiced, it was always meant for everyone. In a sense, personal problems, despite its recurring patterns - are felt personally. And we don't have a textbook or journal article about that. I suppose that's why biographies sell so well because we are always looking for something to connect with and biographies [Tarrant: or blog] seem to be the surest way.

I have put aside my pride and finally said yesterday, that I'm personally inept. When it comes to my personal life, sometimes I have no clue what I am doing - this is especially true when it comes to matters of the heart. The methods have always beens straightforward and honest, because I thought that was what counts. I'm just glad, that there are enough people who share the same views to keep me buoyantly stubborn in my views. Life is to be lived, shared and discussed. So come, will thee hold discourse with me? =)



December 2011 was quite an emotional month filled with embarrassment, upswings and downturns. I was quite relieved to get my thesis out of the way before I travelled to KL and the preparation of the trip itself, was something of an emotional whirlwind as well. It's not easy playing the middle person and since I value honesty - lying so as to protect other people's interests has always made me feel guilty.

2011 has been filled with obligations and giving in to others and doing things I don't really want. January to March was filled with babysitting and indulging in other people's whims that I become too giving to the point that it was just time to say goodbye. April to June was filled with compromises and uneasy relationships. June to August felt that I had to be "nice" and accommodating. Alas, September to November was just a semester of fucked-up modules and again, taking on too many jobs that are way beyond what I thought I can handle.

BUT! I'm glad to get my 2011 away and done with, so that I can greet 2012 with more fervour and gusto!

For 2012, I promise to treat myself better and to not fall in love so soon (the latter being a more difficult task than the former).

Treating myself better would be to give myself more time alone to do the things I want to do - like play the piano, read the books I want to read, and just basically live a more balanced life. I also want to forgive myself more - that I'm human and fallible. 2012 will be a year of less blame, less guilt and simply, just a little more orientation towards the self.

Not fall in love so soon. I guess that issue is deep-seated because I want someone I can count on. The past years just made me feel that loved ones leave you and family betray - I guess I want to hang on to the hope that there will be someone out there for me to lean on. However, this year, I'll just hold back a little, even if it's just something trivial. Because I've been hurt too many times before, that sometimes it's not worth it anymore.

So…2012 might be a year of changes. I might be doing my masters, or apply for Chevening scholarship to go overseas to do masters. Or I might even just simply choose to work and not further my studies. It's all very unsettled. This graduation year is something my family and I have been looking forward to. I do wish that it turns out for the best. =)

The first few days of 2012 already turned out to be unexpectedly pleasurable - let's hope it stays that way.