CLAUD

Monday, July 15, 2013

the perennial question of losing one's virginity.

These days I have been dating and the issue of my virginity becomes salient as the men get closer and closer to my pants. I guess this issue has bugged me since May, ever since I had my first real dating experience and all (with physical contact). I am suddenly confronted with this decision.

In any case, I haven't been able to sleep, because I am in a dilemma, and the need and want for a solution is pushing me beyond the brink of insomniac oblivion. Now I confront this issue and I shall lay down the reasons for me wanting to remain a virgin, and how absolutely stupid an idea it is.

1) I want my first one to also be my last.

It's actually not a wise choice, given how perhaps my future husband may not please me, and I will never know until I try it out. Furthermore, we never know how people can react given the circumstances. Since sexual pleasure is important in a relationship, knowing that two people can match in bed is not something I want to leave to chance.

2) I want my first time to be with someone who is special and who loves me, and not want my body just for its own sake.

We all face physical attraction with the opposite sex. Just as I lust after a hot body, someone might lust after my curves. After all, the brain is the largest sex organ and we may not always have control over our conscious desires. There will always be something about that person that makes you 'tick' or go 'crazy'. What is love anyway? I guess even married, couples bask in their love because they have the benefit of hindsight. However since life is lived forwards, we will never really know if we love someone until the very end. Even so, we may have affections, and infatuations, lust even...however as long as I live and let live - meaning to understand that while this emotion may be temporary, and while the time together spent is not obligatory to lead to "anything else", it is after all a fond memory (if the partner is good). It would be nice to have someone take your virginity after all the "love" shared, to finally share that one special part of yourself to them. However, that is not all that I have to share, and honestly, it's also not the most intimate. It is however because the most "final". Yet, my attitudes, perspectives are not less important than a piece of skin in my vagina that I'm not even sure if it's there anymore. In any case, being with someone you like now, is better than being with someone you might love later.

Even if this person doesn't turn out to want to be my boyfriend/husband...the only thing that suffers is my heart, and by god, my heart has recovered from much worse before

3) Speaking of heart break, I guess when I share a physical intimacy, I might "lose" my heart to that person

Again, another romantic novel bullshit. While physical intimacy does carry over to my psychology, I guess the more important point within that psychology, is also whether I love myself enough and trust enough that I might find someone in the future who will love me too. It goes back to the previous point about being able to weather storms. However, a heartbreak will nevertheless hurt, but I trust that I will recover from it, and be brave enough to love again. Having physical intimacy is nevertheless simply another way of communication, and Gayle Rubin's idea of sex as a "fallacy of misplaced scale" is perhaps right. Sex is over rated, and as much as it provides an emotional connection, but people do change. Perhaps knowing now that both of you won't work out, because you have fundamental differences, is good because I'd realise in the future, that those fundamental differences will not bring us both happiness in the long term.

4) What if guys just say that to get into my pants?

Honestly, we wouldn't know until the ring is on my finger right? Will I ever know someone is telling the truth? Heck, even if I do tell the truth, it's never truthful, because it was always done so to impress someone. After all, which guy wouldn't want to get into my pants when he is attracted? That's usually standard operating procedure, and the rest of the barriers come later. If I like that person as well, I should want him to get into my pants as well, and seems that I do have a say over what I want too. Why should I play the victim as well?

The bottomline really lies with the fact that I'm afraid of getting my heart broken because I never had this experience before. Then again, we never really "had an experience" until we experience it. I'm grateful at least I have good friends who will hold me when I break (figuratively), and be there when things don't work out. We will dust ourselves off, and start anew...and be glad it happened and realised it was all for the better. I think losing my virginity is about me playing the final victim. I have been in charge of all other aspects of my life, and I want to play the self-victimising role of wanting fate to do the work for me - to find that perfect partner so I can "give my all" to. I want some hot guy and some hot guy wants me, then I should have a say that I want him to pleasure me, as much as I give him pleasure as well. I shouldn't always be "taken" but rather, I can choose to take and give as well. It's about time I be a wuss and start shaping up. In addition, people say that "it's rare for a girl to be a virgin at this day at age." I suppose, it's not really a badge of honour, or a moral that people hold me up for. It's just something people say for commending over your sense of self-control. I have always been known for my restraint, and honestly? It's really not fun any longer. And what kind of a badge of honour is there to have anyway? It's my life, and decisions are really the ones that matter anyway since I have to be held accountable for the consequences of my decisions.

I guess I'm not going to be a slut and just sleep with any tom-dick-hairy-harry. But rather, if it feels right, if I trust someone and the circumstances line up, I wouldn't say no. It is after all, pleasure - and god knows I need more of that in my life, given how little I receive it.

This virginity question has been distracting me from the more important questions that should form the basis of a relationship that works. Once out of the way, I want to focus on other more pertinent things. I remember a feminist who wrote how sex was distracting her from her work, and having it "out of the way" was making her identity and person much better defined.

Virginity or not, everyone will have their first time. After reading a series of unfortunate "first times", I guess losing mine to someone that I actually like, in a romantic setting, is something that could already be better than most. Whatever that happens, is related, but also separate from sex. After all, there are so many other factors that go into a relationship....

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