For the Love

Reason #237 why I hate visiting churches: the "meet and greet" portion of the service. You know, that time during the music when the pastor or music minister encourages you to "find 5 or 6 people and shake their hands and tell them you love them." This is very uncomfortable if you're a visitor, especially when you turn around to greet the person behind you and they are all very busy shaking each other's hands and catching up on the antics of little Billy and Susan. Especially when you've never met these people and feel rather awkward about professing love to them so you just kind of mumble something incoherent. Especially when you're sitting in a row by yourself and end up just sort of standing there all bereft while everyone else is hugging and laughing. And especially when the one person who finally comes up to you asks you if you're single. Seriously. Since when is it a good idea to ask about that right when you meet someone? It's bad enough that my relatives ask me every time I see them, but at least they're related to me so in theory they have more of a "right" to ask me than a complete stranger. (Even though I still say it's none of their business, and trust me, if I'm dating someone, the whole world's gonna know about it eventually.) Anyway, all of this discomfort certainly has motivated me to be more understanding and compassionate towards visitors, should the day come when I finally do find a church to call home and can then focus on welcoming other people.

And I decided not to go back to this particular church, although my reason for not returning has very little to do with the meet and greet. My real beef is this: topical preaching. Or rather, bad topical preaching. I'm not completely against topical preaching although I do prefer a more exegetical approach, but when it's so scattered I can't make sense of it or it has nothing to do with the Scripture presented as the main focus, I have a problem with that. Yesterday's message was part of a series the pastor has been doing about community and spiritual growth, and this message was called "How Can We Help Each Other Grow?" Well, I had a particular interest in what he had to say about this due to some discussion that's occurred on another friend's xanga, but what followed was not about growth at all but about making everyone else feel good. In order to grow, we should make everyone feel accepted, appreciated, loved, and affirmed (they all started with the letter a per typical preaching alliteration, but affectioned isn't really a word, so loved it is). Now, I'm not saying these are bad ideas (they're very positive, necessary things), but I'm not so sure of the connection between these things and spiritual growth, and the pastor didn't clear it up for me at all. Most of his supporting comments dealt with child-rearing and being a good friend. And you know what Scripture he had underneath the title of his message? Romans 8:28-29, which says, "For we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love God, who are called according to his purpose. For those he foreknew, he also predestined to become conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers." Beyond reading it, stating that these were his life's verses, and saying that this is why we should grow spiritually, he did nothing else with them. Each of his points had other Scripture attached to them, and they had little relevance to his message.

I know I'm being very critical, and if this were an isolated occurrence I'd be more inclined to let it slide, but it's not. I've been confronted with it at practically every church I've visited since I've been in Knoxville. Does no one care about just talking about what the Bible says? Why does everything have to become a how-to list? God's Word is sufficient in and of itself; it doesn't need to be "dressed up" or manipulated to help someone support the ideas they want to get out of it. I would much prefer an in-depth look at those verses in Romans in their context and just as they are than hear a scattered message that dealt very little with Biblical truths. It seems to me that a message should be shaped around Scripture and not the other way around. Is that too much to ask? I don't think so, but it seems very hard to come by. Here it is almost November and still I haven't really found a promising church home. I know God will provide, though, so keep looking I must! I'd appreciate others' thoughts on this!

I have the best mom in the world.

I talked to her late on Friday night (or rather, I bawled into the phone while she tried to calm me down), and Saturday morning she left Memphis at 7:45 and drove 5 1/2 hours to see me. I had no idea she was coming; she just called while she was on the road and told me she was on her way. She said there was no way she could have me upset and not be there. She got into Knoxville around 2, and we went to the mall, then to see Dreamer (which was very sweet and made me like horses even though they've always kind of scared me), and then to Wal-Mart where she hooked me up with some necessities, and then to Ruby Tuesday for a late dinner and gab-fest. It was so so so so wonderful to see her, and it made everything that's been wrong in my life lately seem a little more...not wrong. She left this morning after we ate breakfast, and it was a quick visit, but exactly what I needed. So it's official: you're never too old to need your mom. I'm living proof.

EDIT: I just saw an advertisement for a CBS miniseries entitled Category 7: End of the World. Is it just me or is this a gross exploitation of the events of the past few months? Are they trying to make something so completely ridiculous in the hopes that people will be able to forget about the real tragedies? Is there nothing off-limits?

And on tomorrow's edition of Erin's xanga: reason #237 why I hate visiting churches. (Don't misunderstand me: I don't hate church; I hate visiting churches.)

Today I had no classes, and tomorrow I don't either! I did, however, have to attend an eight-hour training seminar that's required for the technology grant I got. It wasn't bad, actually. We're receiving some useful tips and guidelines for when we start designing our module, and we had a lot of time to plan out some of the content and the types of mulitmedia we'll need to use. It's going to be a massive amount of work, but it will be really useful and I've wanted to learn more about web design, so this is perfect. Plus, I get paid for it, and today they said that if we meet all of the deadlines/checkpoints, they will add $500 to our overall grant money, which means that my partner and I would each get $1500! I can't even tell you how much I could use that money. It's unfortunate that I won't actually get it until June, but what a happy day that will be! This whole grant thing is a great idea, so if any of you go to graduate school, apply for grants! (And when I'm complaining about this grant thing in Feb., remind me that I once said it was a good thing.) But it's good experience, extra money, and adds to your c.v. Plus, we got catered lunch from Panera today, Moe's for lunch tomorrow, and free books, one of which has the unfortunate title How to Turn Learners On Without Turning Them Off: Ways to Ignite Interest in Learning. I mean really, does sexual language have to be everywhere? Spare me!

And...I was tagged by Stef.
Five Things:

Five things I plan to do before I die:
1.) Visit every continent.
2.) Write a novel or a book of poems.
3.) Get my PhD.
4.) Go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef.
5.) Go to Italy.

Five things I can do:
1.) Read fast.
2.) Scare away boys. (I'm not saying I want to do this, it just happens.)
3.) Giggle about nothing.
4.) Giggle about everything.
5.) Spell "a lot" correctly. (Please please please anyone who reads this--it is TWO WORDS!)

Five things I cannot do (that I'd like to be able to do):
1.) Read Old English without having to look up most of the words.
2.) Blow a bubble with my gum. (Isn't that sad?)
3.) Speak fluent Spanish.
4.) Do a cartwheel.
5.) Teach at Union.

Five things that attract me to the opposite sex:
1.) Smile.
2.) Sense of humor.
3.) Compassion.
4.) Kind eyes.
5.) Love for God.

Five things I say most often:
1.) I love ______
2.) What in the world?!
3.) Give me a break!
4.) Oh please.
5.) I'm tired.

Five celebrity crushes:
1.) Colin Firth
2.) Topher Grace
3.) Jason Mraz
4.) Mark Ruffalo
5.) Viggo Mortensen

Anyone have any ideas for a fun, creative, but cheap Halloween costume? Some of the grad students are throwing a Halloween party, and I really couldn't care less about Halloween, but it would be fun to hang out with people. However, I heard that a lot of people dress up, so I don't want to be the one party-pooper who doesn't. Help!

And I just realized today that my semester officially ends on Dec. 9. I only have one final, and it's on that day, so after 12:15, I'm through! It's going to be here before I know it, and it will be such a relief. Maybe I can survive this semester. Here's hoping!

EDIT: I also might be seeing him and him in Nashville that weekend I am through with school. What a way to celebrate!

Also, a private school in New Jersey has forbidden their students to keep blogs! Isn't that a bit over the line? School bans blogging. You can take away my freedom, but don't mess with my blog! (Kidding, people, only kidding!)

I think I'm losing my sense of compassion. I don't care enough about those who don't know Jesus. Maybe because my own relationship with Him is strained at best right now, and that's certainly not His fault. As hinted at in my poem in my last (neglected) post, I feel like I'm changing into this person I don't know and don't exactly like--someone who is apathetic and thoughtless and not at all concerned by the fact that she can go a week without talking to Jesus and only feel slightly bad about it. Well, I am a little concerned since I'm thinking about it, but I can't seem to move past that, and I don't know what my problem is except that it seems like the things I used to care about I don't care about as much anymore. I'm scared.

I read somewhere that a new moon
and dark skies make a great night
to spot comets. I didn't come here
for that. I got in my car and drove,
no destination in mind, only the thought
that I had to leave, had to put distance
between me and the self I left behind,
the self I have become but am wanting to lose.

When life presses down too hard upon me,
I drive. There is comfort in the smooth
coolness of the wheel beneath my hands,
the road stretched out in a limitless
expanse, and in those moments
I dare to hope that there is more than this
life I am half-living, this life I am barely surviving.
The feeling may vanish after a moment,
but it will have to be
enough.

EDIT: I have a new addiction: Sudoku

Well, I'm 24. It feels just like 23. Except maybe not. Dare I imagine what God might have in store for me this year?

I got my first birthday card today (thank you, Steven)! I also got a bulletin from that church I visited. I guess since I wasn't there on Sunday they sent me that instead? They sure are thorough! I also got a package from my mom, but I am going to try and exercise all of my willpower and not open it until tomorrow. We'll see how long I hold out.

Tonight the birthday celebration officially begins. I am going to eat at P.F. Chang's for dinner with Elizabeth and 6 girls from the English department, and then we are going to head down to the strip to hear some band play. I love P.F. Chang's, and I'm always up for some live music, so it should be fun. And it's nice to feel like I kind of sort of might have some friends. :) Then tomorrow I plan on making a little visit to my friend Barnes & Noble (I've neglected her of late) and then Saturday night I'm going to see a play on campus with a couple of people. It's so weird that I'm going to be 24 tomorrow. I don't feel 24, and just to show how much I am a product of my Southern heritage, I feel as though at 24 I should already have a kid or at least be married or something. Good thing I'm a new generation of woman. Riight. Have a lovely evening, friends!

I passed understanding a long, long time ago
And the simple home of systems and answers we all know
What I thought I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and somehow peaceful

I keep wanting you to be fair
But that’s not what you said
I want certain answers to these prayers
But that’s not what you said

When I get to heaven I’m gonna go find Job
I want to ask a few hard questions, I want to know what he knows
About what it is he wanted and what he got instead
How to be broken and faithful

Staring in the water like Esops foolish dog
I can’t help but reflect on what it was I almost lost
What it was I wanted, what I got instead
Leaves me broken and grateful

I’m broken and grateful

~Sara Groves, "What I Thought I Wanted"

Isn't it funny how we so often think we know ourselves, only to find out the opposite is true? I used to think I knew who I was and what I wanted, but it seems that more and more my life is nothing but uncertainties. Being a planner and a control freak, this naturally disconcerts me, but when life is uncertain and all I have are questions without answers, I find God in the middle of the mystery. Or do I? I don't often stop "catastrophizing" everything that happens to me long enough to reflect on the presence of God, and this is more true now than ever before. I feel like I used to be introspective and constantly thinking about my relationship with God and how I can seek Him better, but that's not the case anymore. Part of it is fear--fear that introspection will lead me to conclusions I'm not ready to face or areas in my life that need changing. And part of it is a lack of faith--a lack of belief that God will take care of me and love me always. Having faith like a child is no small thing. "O Great God, be small enough to hear me now."

I have homework paralysis. Does anyone have a cure? Seriously, I have a 7-page annotated bibliography due tomorrow, which I'm thinking translates into 17-20 sources, and I've done 2. What is my problem?!

EDIT: I interrupt my non-work to complain about Gilmore Girls. If you couldn't care less about Gilmore Girls, too bad. It's my blog. (Same goes for song choice. You all know you secretly love NSync and know all their dance moves.)

Is it just me or has Gilmore Girls been kind of boring this season? This whole Lorelai/Rory fight has got to end because the show is so devoid of plot I was almost falling asleep tonight! Who cares about changing street names? And who would even think that's actually a plausible idea? And are Luke and Lorelai still engaged because they sure aren't acting like it! We get plenty of chances to see Rory and Logan all lovey-dovey, but all we get of Luke and Lorelai are passionless pecks on the cheek? I'm not saying I want a love fest or anything, but they could at least act like an engaged couple instead of vague acquaintances.

Also, I'm sick and tired of the promos building up some part of the show and then that part coming at the very end of the episode or turning out to be something completely inconsequential. Case in point: Richard's appeal to Lorelai for help with Rory and the "secret" Emily and Richard uncover. The promo makes it look as though the conversation between Richard and Lorelai will be a focus in the episode, but it comes at the end and we don't get to see them talk. And then the big secret Emily and Richard find in Rory's room is the purse that Emily already knew about! It was such a non-event, and it seems that the episodes lately have been nothing but non-events. Granted, Emily's utter evisceration of Shira Huntzberger last week was classic, and overall last week's episode was one of the better ones this season, but it's not enough to excuse the mediocrity of other episodes. Come on, Palladinos, get your act together! End rant.

I care way too much about this show.

So, last night when I got back from Memphis, I checked the mail, anticipating a lot because Elizabeth and I had been gone since Wednesday. And there was a good bit of mail, almost all of it for me, so I was really excited, especially since there were some cards there, and I thought people had actually sent me birthday cards or something (my birthday is Oct. 22, hint hint). No such luck. What I got instead were four, count 'em, FOUR cards from members of a church I had visited the previous Sunday, and they all thanked me for visiting and urged me to come back soon. I had already received a personal visit, two emails, and a phone call, so getting all of these cards was a bit...overwhelming. I don't know whether to be mildly disturbed or encouraged by this. And then I felt bad that I was slightly annoyed by it because really it is a nice gesture and a lot of the other churches I've visited haven't followed up at all. So in all actuality I should be grateful, but instead I was annoyed that there were no birthday cards. I am scum. Selfish, cynical scum, at that. How can Jesus love scum? Sometimes I wonder.

I've had a great break. I've gotten little to zilch work done, but I've also gotten lots of birthday presents, so I'm okay with that. Today I went shopping with my mom, and she bought me lots of cute clothes, and I also have received Crash (yay!), a scarf/gloves/hat combo that is way cute, some pens (I haven't bought pens for myself in ages, and my dear friend Lindsay knows my unhealty addiction to them and supplied me with some fun colored ones), and a mix CD (also from Lindsay) entitled "The Best of the 90's: When You Just Need to be a Preteen Girl." It includes such classics as "Genie in a Bottle," "Bye Bye Bye," "Oops, I Did It Again," and of course, "Oom Bop." Fun times indeed. (I didn't look up the actual spelling of that last song so tell me if it's wrong.)

It was wonderously wonderful to be with my friends for a few days, and hanging out with my family this weekend has also been just what the doctor ordered. My parents, brother, and my 3 grandparents and I all went to dinner tonight at Bahama Breeze, and it was positively scrumptious, and then we came back home and had some of the homemade carrot cake my mom made in honor of my birthday. (Carrot cake is my favorite.) The only thing that stinks about all of these premature presents and celebrations is that my actual birthday is going to be a real snooze fest. What can I do for fun on my actual birthday? Throw a party for myself? Woohoo! I wish all of my friends lived in Knoxville. Oh well. My life is far from awful, so I'll not complain any further. I hope everyone has a lovely Sunday!

P.S. My parents also gave me the fourth season of Gilmore Girls, and it's so great! I'd forgotten a lot of what happened in the fourth season, and I'm thoroughly enjoying the stroll down memory lane.

In the blur that has been the past few weeks, I almost forgot about the blessing--today at 12:30 my fall break begins! I am leaving right after my class to go to Jackson to stay with my friend Marya for a few days before heading on to Memphis to see my family, whom I dearly miss and can't wait to see! I will also get to see a few other friends as well as attend a baby shower for one of them. It still kind of freaks me out that I have a friend having a baby, but I am so excited for her and it will be great to see her. I can't even describe how great it will feel to be among people who know me and love me just as I am, people with whom I can be nothing buy myself. Since I've been in Knoxville I've realized what a special gift that is, and I have developed a newfound appreciation for true friendships. There are some days when I don't know what I would do were it not for my friends and the Lord. Praise Him for His provision; I need this break so badly.

Last night I got to see people from home! My church's middle schoolers were on a Gatlinburg trip for fall break, and my best friend is the youth assistant. So I drove out to Gatlinburg and got to have dinner with her and some of the girls I taught last year in Sunday School. They were so cute--they kept saying how much they missed me and wanted to know about my love life (about which I remained annoyingly cryptic), and they talked about all the trials of seventh grade. ("My chemistry teacher is EVIL." or "My parents make me do chores every week but only pay me every other week.") Oh, to be young again. It made me feel special knowing that I was missed, and it was good to see Laura in person instead of just reading about her life through email.

So I've decided I'm more scared of this Old English midterm than I originally confessed. I've been trying to study for it, and aside from memorizing every verb there is, I have no idea how to prepare for this test. And I really need to do well since this accounts for about 1/3 of my grade. Ugh. I'm seriously considering becoming a modernist just so I don't have to deal with this anymore. (Only not really. It just wouldn't be the same.)

And I miss people. And playgrounds. And laughing so hard my stomach hurts. And spinning around and around until I'm so dizzy I collapse onto the grass. And gazing up at the starts. And hoping. I need to hope more and dream more. I don't want grad school to be the death of what little faith and optimism I have left. Lord, have mercy.

Death of a Poet


I don’t write poems anymore.
My notebook is empty, my pen dry,
my thoughts washed up on the shore
like so much refuse.Too long have I been
trapped in the mess of everyday life,
too long negligent of the gift
that now seems to decay from want
of use.

I don’t write poems anymore.
It seems too painful, too much like
something I used to love but can no
longer embrace.Too long has my mind
remained dormant and untended,
my creativity squandered, swallowed up
by fear of letting my soul
bleed on the paper.

I don’t write poems anymore.
It’s easier to feel pain than try
To efface it.



EDIT: The following poem was featured in the movie I saw earlier, In Her Shoes, which was lovely and which I highly recommend.



i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

--e e cummings

Well, it's over! I stayed up until 2 last night studying then woke up at 6 this morning and studied some more, and then around 8:30 I just threw my notebook across the room and decided that if I didn't know it by then, I wasn't going to. So I went into the test feeling like I was going to throw up but ready to be done with it. It ended up being somewhat manageable; I could answer all of the questions on the first page and was feeling pretty good about myself until I turned the page over. There were the questions I didn't know. I knew they were hiding somewhere. But overall I feel like I did well enough to manage a B, and a B is good, right? (I keep telling myself that.)

Anyway, now I just have to worry about my Old English midterm on Tuesday, which is an entirely different monster, but the material is a bit more accessible, so I'm not going to get so worked up about it. I really can't afford to. I was thinking this morning as I was driving to school that I really have to get a grip, or I will not make it through graduate school with my sanity. I won't make it through graduate school period. I'm going to have to change my way of thinking, get a thicker skin, and deal with life as it comes. I have to. And the only way I can do that is to rely on God, realize that my worth is not wrapped up in how well or poorly I do in school, and remember that He has a purpose for my life that will be more than I could ever imagine. I think this will be the battle I fight for a good part of my life because no matter how much I think I've already learned this things, something comes along to shake my world, and I realize I know nothing.

Now I'm off to watch Fever Pitch, which I've already seen but wanted to see again. I also rented Braveheart and Benny and Joon. So many people love Braveheart, and I've never seen it, so I thought it was about time. We'll see if I like it. I was supposed to go to a dinner party tonight, but I took a nap and ended up sleeping through part of it. Oops. My lack of sleep finally caught up with me it seems. Have a lovely evening!

I just spent four hours in a study session. We (meaning me and the two other girls I was studying with) tried to pretend we were actually having a party, but if we were it was the worst party ever. My contemporary criticism midterm is tomorrow, and this is the class that's had me questioning my entire existence as both a grad student and a human being. I'm at the point now where I'm just ready to get it over with, even if that means I make a -5 or something (and yes, I know I'm exaggerating). I don't know what more I can do, and so I guess I should just let it be, but I can't because I'm obsessive and compulsive and perfectionistic and all of those other qualities that sometimes make me wonder if I don't need to be locked in a padded cell.

Why do I do this to myself? No one is standing in front of me, insisting that I make straight A's or telling me to constantly worry about being a better friend, a better student, a better Christian, a better person. I just torture myself. And I sound like a broken record, too because it seems that I always am coming back to this issue, and I'm as tired of writing and thinking about it as you are of reading it. I should just end this entry now. It's late, I'm mentally and emotionally exhausted, and nothing ever seems that great when I'm in a state such as this. How grateful I am for His mercies that are new every morning! May I wake up with this remembrance, and may it put a smile on my face and joy in my heart.

"When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul." Psalm 94:19

When I was younger I used to love swings. My parents would take my brother and me to the park and we would race each other to see who could get their legs highest first. I remember focusing hard on the sky above me, urging every fiber of my being to stretch, to grasp for that blue nothingness, as if by reaching I could somehow be among the stars I imagined were twinkling even when I couldn't see them. I loved the feel of the wind rushing against my face and tugging at my hair, filling me with energy and life, and I wanted to work harder and harder to keep that feeling there, to keep the air alive. When I was soaring through the blue I felt as though I were flying through time, and all my cares (what few I had then) dropped to the ground like so many raindrops on a stormy day. But eventually my leg muscles would tense up, the furious pumping of my legs would weaken, and I would find myself back on the ground where I started, breathless and empty, the stars millions of miles away.

Now that I'm older I don't swing anymore. I miss the breeze filling my lungs, the hair dancing around my face. I miss taking off from the ground, my feet free in space. I wonder if I tried to swing now, could I even leave the ground? I've been earth-bound far too long.

I think graduate school is smarter than me. However, as Eddie was kind enough to point out, if it weren't smarter than me, I wouldn't be learning anything. Nevertheless, I am still finding myself vacillating between feelings of anxiety and stupidity, neither of which I am particularly fond and both of which cause me a lot of duress. I've got a midterm in my contemporary criticism class on Friday, and today I was going over some of the material, and it completely freaked me out. I don't understand structuralism. Or post-structuralism and deconstruction, for that matter. And I'm trying to figure out how I can begin to understand these things before the test, and it seems impossible, like my brain just isn't quite adequate to understand all of this information.

This frustration has me dealing with an existential crisis of sorts. What am I doing here? Do I belong in graduate school? Am I really smart enough to do this? Did my intelligence reach its plateau in my years at Union? Why can I not write a decent close reading of a poem?

Furthermore, am I doomed to be always insecure about every aspect of my life? Why is it so easy for me to get worked up about a boy and then think the worst if he doesn't call when I thought he would? Why do I feel so much like my life is just this endless attempt to win people over? I want it all to stop, but I don't know how. How do I undo a lifetime's worth of erroneous thinking? Help.

(I think this is what I wanted to say earlier this week but couldn't, only now that I've managed to say it I don't really feel any better.)

Well, the Vols pulled off another win in a decidedly boring game against Ole Miss. Go Vols! (And no snarky comments from you, Daniel! Or you either, William!)

In other news, Former American Idol winner Fantasia is illiterate. What in the world?? How do you hide something like that for years? I can't even imagine what that would be like. Apparently she dropped out of high school in ninth grade, but still, how did she make it that far?? It's very sad.

Then you have this year's runner-up, Bo Bice, becoming a new dad and opening up his home in Alabama to Katrina victims. He's such a sweetie! And Carrie? Well, I don't know what's going on with her aside from the Skechers ad I saw her in earlier this week. I wonder if she's doing any singing or just enjoying the money from endorsement deals. Anyone know?

I have to read to page 150 of this book by Monday. I'm on page 27. Woohoo!