For the Love

A little weight loss update for you (well, mostly for me b/c I'm so excited):

I'm beginning the 11th week of my new, healthier lifestyle, and here are some numbers:

15.6: pounds lost. (Yes, I have reached the 15 pound mark!)
3.5: inches lost from my waist
3: inches lost from my hips

I'm very encouraged when I look at my progress in this way. Even though I can't really visibly see any improvement yet, the numbers mean I'm doing something right. My pants are feeling looser, and I feel better about myself now that I'm doing what I can to take care of my body. I know this pleases God, and that pleases me.

I'm working on trying to develop a reward system for myself. I've read some about how that's a good motivational tool, and I've seen a lot of people on Spark People who have developed reward systems. I think it's a great way to celebrate my progress with something besides food. Originally, Stephen and I thought it would be fun to get a Wii once I reached my goal of 100 pounds, and in order to ensure that I got to that goal, at each 25 pounds lost, we would buy an accessory for the Wii, like a controller or a game. However, now that I'm getting close to my first 25-pound benchmark, the thought of a Wii doesn't really excite me (or Stephen), so I want to come up with things that will not only be useful but enjoyable. Right now I'm thinking this means clothes. I obviously need to wear clothes, and as I lose weight, I'm going to need smaller ones (yippie!), and what is more fun than shopping when you've lost weight??

Anyone have ideas about what my rewards should be? I'm thinking right now that after I lose the first 25 pounds, I'll buy some new workout pants or perhaps some pants to wear for work, then at 50 pounds, I'll buy some new tennis shoes, but after that I don't know. I suppose my rewards don't have to all be clothing-related; I could buy books or something.

When I reach 100 pounds, I would love to be able to go to Sea World because I've never been, but we'll have to see if that's feasible or not. How fun would that be, though??

I do. In my knee, apparently. Stephen and I spent three hours at the doctor's office today, two of which were mostly waiting to be seen by the doctor. Then he came in, talked to me for about two minutes, moved my knee around, and sent me off for x-rays. Fun times. The x-rays showed that nothing seems to be wrong with my kneecap, which I suspected anyway because it's not my kneecap that hurts, but the films did show fluid built up around the knee. That means that I have to go back for an MRI on Tuesday (a new experience for me), and then return for a follow-up with the doctor on the Thursday of the next week. He gave me two prescriptions--cortisone and an anti-inflammatory, and there's an exercise I'm supposed to do with my knee four times a day. The nurse had me do it while we were at the office, and it hurts. It's supposed to help in the long run, I guess. I'm supposed to get to the point where I can do the exercise with weight on my ankle, but right now that seems impossible. I need to focus on one day at a time, though. I'm always getting ahead of myself.

I was hoping for a more conclusive diagnosis of the problem, but that didn't happen. I am worried about the money all of this will cost; I'm paying towards a deductible, and I'm not even sure if my insurance covers x-rays and MRIs, and determining whether or not it does has proven to be somewhat difficult. We're not destitute by any means, but of course it would be nice not to have to fork over our savings to pay for all of these expenses. All we can do right now is trust God to provide and to work things out. I'm trying really hard to do that, but right now I'm just worried. But if God can feed the sparrow, doesn't He care even more for me? I believe, Lord; help my unbelief!

So the knee pain I mentioned in my last entry? Still there. If anything, it's gotten worse instead of better. I have an appointment with an orthopedic doctor tomorrow at 8:45, so hopefully he can diagnose the problem and send me on the path to recovery. Stephen has been such a good caretaker: getting things for me, fixing food for me, helping me put on my socks (yes, I can't even do that on my left foot), pushing me around an Illinois mall in a wheelchair (that was interesting, haha). I never realized how much I depended on my knee until it began to hurt when I attempted basic motions like sitting down or getting up or getting in and out of a car.

I've never been so frustrated with my body, but I know that whining about it or being angry isn't going to heal my knee, so I'm trying not to be completely negative. (Of course, that would be easier if I weren't so pessimistic.) And it just seems so painfully cruel that this would happen at a time when I actually enjoy exercising and have been making progress (12 pounds so far!). I am afraid that the doctor will tell me I can't exercise for some awful length of time, and that will devastate me. I haven't been terribly constrictive with my diet because I've been exercising, but now that I'm not, I'm going to have to figure out what changes to make. I need to work on eating smaller portions and making healthier choices. Perhaps this knee injury is supposed to teach me that.

I know I will never succeed in this weight loss venture if I don't change the way I think about food. Food should not affect me emotionally, and yet it does. I cannot allow it to control me. I am a child of God, not a slave to food! I keep thinking of 2 Corinthians 10:5: "We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." Obviously, this verse is not talking specifically about food, but if my love of food hinders or distracts from my love for God, then it's "setting itself up against the knowledge of God." If I'm turning to food for comfort or emotional release, then I'm not relying on the Lord, and I'm not making my thoughts obedient to Him. And when I think of this, I remember that apart from Him I have no good thing, so if I'm going to succeed in losing those 100 pounds, He's going to have to be in charge. His grace is sufficient, for His power is made perfect in my weakness! Jesus, be my strength.

Or it's rebelling against me. It all started last Friday with a one-hour massage. I've had several one-hour massages in my lifetime, and they've all been wonderful experiences, so when Hubby gave me one as a Valentine's gift, I was ecstatic. Unfortunately, this experience was not so great. The woman who gave me the massage went rather deep because I told her I liked pressure, and at the time it felt amazing. However, a few hours after the massage, I developed a sharp pain around my right shoulder blade and collarbone area. At one point it was so bad that I couldn't inhale without it hurting. This lasted for all of Saturday, preventing me from working out, but on Sunday the pain was gone so I went to the fitness center that afternoon. Of course, you all know what took place during that little visit (my unfortunate unconsciousness).

Now I have developed another issue: my knee. My left knee has been bothering me sporadically for a few weeks, but never to the point that I couldn't still exercise, since it only hurt when I bent it a certain way (I thought I had just done something to it while sleeping, perhaps). This morning, though, it hurt just to try and get out of bed. Now almost any movement causes it to ache. So no workout today. I'm not really sure how to treat my knee or what's causing the pain, but I really don't want it to keep hindering my exercise.

Let's recap, shall we? In the past four days, I have only exercised twice. I don't like that one bit. I'm already worried enough about next week because we'll be in Illinois visiting Hubby's family and then I'll be in Knoxville, which means I'll be out of my regular exercise and eating routines. I really wanted to make this a super good week to counterbalance what probably won't be a very great week next week, and now I don't think that's going to happen.

Now that I've rambled on about my health (what am I, 80?), what do I do? I have to trust that my efforts are benefiting my body in some way, even if that doesn't show up on the scale when I weigh in on Friday for the first time in three weeks. The whole point of that 3-week challenge was to lessen the control of the scale in my life, but I don't know that it's been entirely successful. Otherwise, would I be scared of weighing in on Friday? I shouldn't be. It's just a scale. JUST a scale. The only harm it can do to me is what I allow it to do, and I don't want to give it the power! I will NOT.

To live is CHRIST, not the scale! My strength is from Him, my hope is in Him, my love is for Him. If I were half as concerned about my relationship with Him as I am my weight, what progress I'd make! I don't want weight loss to become an idol or an obsession in my life; I want it not to be a replacement of God but an extension of my love for Him, a way of honoring Him and being a good steward of the body with which He's entrusted me. My body is going to pass away, but He lives forever, and I will one day live with Him! I can't even fathom that! Therefore, I will NOT lose heart, for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is ETERNAL.

Amen and amen.

Today I resisted temptation. I was craving McDonald's french fries ALL DAY, and I was *thisclose* to going through the drive-thru on my way home from work, but then I asked myself, "Do I need these fries?" (NO) "Will I regret eating these fries?" (YES) "Is the temporary enjoyment worth the additional calories, lack of nutritional value, and emotional grief I'll experience?" (NO)

So I didn't go. Instead I went home and had a whole wheat piece of bread. Not nearly as tempting as McD's french fries (which I still think are delicious even after watching Super Size Me twice and seeing this video), but guilt-free. I can live with that.

I also exercised this morning and did not pass out, so there's another accomplishment. A workout that does not end in unconsciousness = stellar! And to top off this day of achievements, I ate within my calorie range with really no problem at all.

Praise God for His goodness. Through His strength I am made strong.

I went to the fitness center at school this afternoon to work out since I missed yesterday, and I did a pretty routine workout for me: 20 minutes on the elliptical and 10 on the exercise bike. I did push myself more because I've been working on making each workout more challenging than the last so I don't fall into a rut.

Immediately when I stopped pedaling, I felt this pain in my head and kind of a "rushing" feeling. I sat there for a minute, trying to get my bearings, and then decided to try and get off the bike. Not a good idea, in retrospect. I remember standing up, then feeling dizzy, then the next thing I know the student working there is leaning over me, saying, "Are you okay? Can you hear me?" I completely blacked out!

Apparently a couple of girls saw me kind of fall over and at first didn't realize I had passed out until they came over and couldn't get me to answer them. They went and got the worker on duty, who in turn sent for a trainer who happened to be in the gym. She came in and took my pulse and my blood pressure and asked me a bunch of questions. I had eaten before I came and had drunk water, so I don't think I was dehydrated, but it is possible that I was overheated. The trainer recommended I take it easy for the rest of the day and tomorrow.

I'm feeling much better now; I was really shaken up at first, but I feel better now that I've had a nap and eaten dinner. I hope it never happens again, and I realized I need to be more careful and recognize my limits. Toward the end of my workout I felt kind of funny, but I ignored it, and I don't need to do that in the future.

The thought of missing my workout tomorrow kind of freaks me out a little because I know that is the reason why I'm losing weight, so I'm going to have to be extra careful with my calories. I also might try going on a leisurely walk in the afternoon, just enough to get my heart pumping but not enough to be strenuous.

One thing I've realized through this experience and through blowing it yesterday is that I'm not including God nearly enough in this process. I need to be so much more intentional about praying for God's strength and keeping focused on my true goal: to have a body and a healthy heart that glorifies God (thanks for the reminder, Glenna!). I want to love God mind, body, and soul, and that means honoring Him with my lifestyle. With Him, all things are possible.

I have got to figure out how not to blow it on the weekends! I know as long as I have the "who cares?" mentality on the weekend, I'm going to sabotage myself and never fully change my eating habits.

Last night we went to Buffalo Wild Wings, and I had an amazing buffalo chicken sandwich and fries, and then Hubby and I shared a peanut butter pie. Both of those were NOT healthy, but since it was my "splurge" day I didn't worry about it. But this afternoon we went to eat at Zaxby's (I guess we're really big chicken people), and I decided to be "good" and get a grilled chicken sandwich. I was so proud of myself, but then tonight when I looked up the nutrition info, I found out it was one of the worst things on the menu! I should know by now that restaurants are so deceptive, and that foods that appear healthy actually have hidden calorie killers. In this case, it was the bun the sandwich came on that really put the calories over the edge. All in all, I went over my calorie limit by about 250 calories.

I am just so disappointed in myself and also frustrated that I can't seem to eat as well on the weekends as I do during the week. I just need to learn that I always need to make healthy choices, and that's not always fun or ideal, but it is best for my body.

Some days I wonder, though, if I really want to have to worry about counting calories for the rest of my life. I know that if I want to keep off whatever weight I lose, that's what I'll have to do. And that kind of depresses me.

I could really use some encouragement / advice about this.

The above video is a riveting narration of the snowfall that occurred in Jackson last Friday evening, March 7. Watch, listen, and be amazed at my amazing reporting skills (especially at the end).

I'm in week 2 of the 3-week don't-weigh-yourself-challenge, and it's hard! I keep thinking that when I finally do weigh myself, I'll have gained weight or something. I wish I knew where I was number-wise right now, but then I think, should I need the scale to be the only motivation for continuing to eat healthy and exercise? No! It's just the most visible motivation, I guess. I did starting taking my measurements at the end of February, and last week I lost 1 inch in my waist and 2 in my hips, so it's not like I'm not making progress. And I've been amazingly consistent with my exercise; I've gotten in 6 days of exercise since I started, and that's huge for me. What's really scary? I'm starting to like it. The sense of accomplishment and pride I feel when I finish a workout and am nice and disgustingly sweaty is priceless (the sweaty I could do without, but alas, I sweat just looking at a piece of exercise equipment). I like knowing that I'm taking care of my body and making steps to make it healthier. I like knowing that my hard work will pay off. I like knowing that what I'm doing is not impossible.

But what I'm really waiting for is that moment: the moment when I know this is working, and I can continue making it work until I'm at the size I want to be, and I haven't reached that moment yet. I'm not even sure what will precede the moment, but when it happens, I'll know. I'll know and I'll rejoice.

Sorry for the quiet blog recently; things have just been kind of weird, for lack of a better word, and I haven't really known what to write.

Even though by the original school calendar we just finished the 5th week of classes, it was actually the first time we've had a full week of classes. Things felt a little bit more routine this week, but I'm concerned about the students. I've noticed that they seem more tired (some even struggling to stay awake), and there have been more frequent absences. The faculty were warned about these things happening, but I was kind of skeptical at the time. I'm not now. It seems that a good number of students are having trouble sleeping at night or not sleeping at all, others are ill, and others just don't have motivation. I really feel for them. I am sure it's incredibly difficult to try to focus on classes and homework when you're replaying a natural disaster over and over in your mind and trying to remember and document everything you once owned so you can get insurance or FEMA money. I don't think I'd be concerned with classes, either. There's hope that things will return to normal, but I don't really think that's possible. Things are changing, have already changed, and so whatever "normal" we have will be a new normal.

The rebuilding of the new dorms has already begun, in the spot where the old dorms once stood. It's so strange how the removal of those buildings changed the feel of the campus; it looks much smaller now that there is a clear view of the academic buildings from the place where the dorms once partially concealed them. The goal is to have half of the dorms completed by September (7 buildings, I think), and then have the other half completed by next spring. It's a lofty goal, and the university is really relying on God to provide the needed funds, since it's going to require a substantial amount of money to build these dorms so quickly. God's not wringing His hands about it, though, so neither should we.

On the weight loss front, I feel like things are going well. Exercise is really becoming a part of my life, and I'm finding that I like it that way. I feel good when exercise, and when I push myself, I feel even better. This morning I did 42 minutes on the elliptical machine. I wish I could describe what a huge victory that is for me. When I first tried the elliptical, I thought I was going to die. I think I maybe did about 5 minutes before switching to the exercise bike. But I decided to keep trying because it's a really good calorie-burner, so I have been steadily increasing the amount of time on the machine, and the more I do it, the more comfortable it becomes. I hope to be able to do an hour sometime in the near future, and I feel confident I can accomplish that. The problem during the week is that I don't really have enough time to do an hour, so that may just have to be a Saturday thing. I like not feeling rushed on Saturday. I can take my time and do whatever I feel like doing, so I did several of the weight machines and 100 crunches on top of the elliptical workout, and I left feeling like I'd conquered the world.

I'm proud to say that I've now lost 8 pounds. Monday will be the 6-week mark for me, so I'm very pleased with my progress. I wish I were losing 2 pounds every week, but that doesn't matter as much as just knowing that I'm giving this my best effort, and I know the weight will come off in time. Weight loss is both instant gratification and delayed gratification all in one, and I want to continue on this journey so I can reach that delayed gratification of seeing my body transformed and healthy.

On Monday I'm taking part in a 3-week challenge, and the challenge is not to weigh yourself during that 3 week period. I think that's going to be very difficult but also very rewarding. I don't want the scale to have power over me and determine how I feel about myself, so by the end of the challenge I hope to view the scale as a tool and not the enemy. :) I also look forward to weighing in after those 3 weeks and seeing a big loss. Here's to victory. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!!