For the Love

After my last post, my dear husband remembered something he had just read in a book by Charles Swindoll called Jesus: The Greatest Life of All. The book is discussing Peter and the following passage:
John 21:15-22: 15When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," he said, "you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my lambs."
16Again Jesus said, "Simon son of John, do you truly love me?"
He answered, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Take care of my sheep."
17 The third time he said to him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, "Do you love me?" He said, "Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you."
Jesus said, "Feed my sheep. 18 I tell you the truth, when you were younger you dressed yourself and went where you wanted; but when you are old you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will dress you and lead you where you do not want to go." 19Jesus said this to indicate the kind of death by which Peter would glorify God. Then he said to him, "Follow me!"
20Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, "Lord, who is going to betray you?") 21When Peter saw him, he asked, "Lord, what about him?"
22Jesus answered, "If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me."

Here's an excerpted/paraphrased portion from the book:

Peter, whom Jesus named as literally the Rock, was seen time and time again as anything but stable and unwavering.

Right before Jesus tells Peter how he will die, Jesus asks him a question, three times: Do you love me? In English the question looks exactly the same each time, but in the Greek it does not. The first time, Jesus says, “Peter, do you agape me? (love me wholeheartedly, commitedly)” Peter replies, “Lord, I phileo you (love you affectionately, warmly, the love of family and friends).” The second time the exchange is the same, with Jesus asking Peter if he loves Him on a deeper level, but Peter, having denied Christ three times and failed in so many ways, feels that he can’t possibly love Jesus in this way, so he replies the best way he knows how. Each time, Jesus tells Peter to tend His sheep. Peter I’m sure is undergoing an internal struggle, for what Jesus is asking for is not just affection, phileo, but for commitment, agape, and who is Peter to provide that, given his track record? Then, finally, the third time Jesus asks, he says, “Peter, do you phileo me?” And Peter says, “Yes, Lord, I phileo you.” Peter had his own ideas about what a leader should look like, and he did not see how he fit into that picture, so he hands all that he can offer to Jesus, his phileo, as if to say, “This is all I have.”

And in reply, according to Swindoll, Jesus essentially said, “That’s all I want.”

After Jesus tells Peter how he will die and asks him to follow Him, Peter still isn’t quite there, for he asks about John, the disciple Jesus loved. Even then, he was comparing himself to others, and if he were compared to John, Peter would most certainly come up short, for John had been nothing but steadfast and faithful through all that Jesus experienced. But did Jesus focus on John and belittle Peter? No, of course not. He said, with infinite patience, “If I want him to remain until I come, what is that you. You follow Me!” There it is. 3 simple words: You follow Me. Peter “faltered when he took his eyes off Jesus and turned them to comparison” (270). “Jesus’ final command is best translated, “You, Me keep on following!” Not John. Not any other great man. Not even your own lofty ambitions…Let your passion become a passionate pursuit of Me. And as you follow, the sheep will follow.”

3 lessons from Peter’s life:
1. When the Lord offers an opportunity to transform futility into fruitfulness, be open to change. Be careful to avoid interpreting circumstances as indicators of God’s will. As you obey the call first to follow, your destiny will unfold before you. (page 271)

2. When Jesus plans to move you in a new and challenging direction, expect a period of deep soul-searching. Jesus called Peter out of his humiliation and failure to a love relationship with Him. (271)

3. When the Lord makes it clear that you’re to follow Him in this new direction, focus fully on Him and refuse to be distracted by comparisons with others. John was responsible for John and Peter responsible for Peter, and each were to do one thing: follow Jesus. (272)

It doesn’t matter if all I have is a broken vessel; all he wants is all of me, and when He gave all of Himself for me, who am I to withhold from Him? May He give me the grace to focus on His face and not be swayed by the sin of comparison.

I have a disorder. I shall dub it Comparative Disorder (henceforth known as CD). This disorder manifests itself in the following ways:

1. Compulsive need to compare oneself to any and everyone.
2. Compulsive need to then bemoan how self does not, nor probably ever will, compare favorably to these said persons.
3. Frustration over self's inability to remember that God has made her "uniquely and wonderfully."
4. Tendency to allow comparisons to discourage, sabotage, or derail attempts to seek God and improve self.
5. Proclivity towards wallowing and self-pity.
6. Inability to view self and situations in a logical frame of mind.

Known triggers: beautiful people, skinny people, intelligent people, funny people, well-liked people, etc. etc. to infinity

On any given day, at any given point, I experience at least one, if not all, of these symptoms. My CD knows no bounds and can manifest itself daily or hourly, depending on how aware I am of its presence. And what is the point? In my eyes, I always fail in the comparison test, and then I end up feeling petty and small and doubtful of God's goodness and His plan for my life.

I've noticed CD popping up a lot recently, and I am not sure why. I think a lot of it has to do with my immense desire to see more results in my weight loss, and it also has to do with the insecurity I feel about being a lowly, ill-equipped visiting professor among a group of intelligent, scholarly academics. I am so grateful for my job, and I absolutely love it (most of the time), but I can't shake this nagging doubt that I'm not smart enough to do it, that I'm not able to challenge and teach my students like they deserve. Some days I really want to get my PhD so I can have the chance to get a tenure-track job with more-than-exploitative pay, but then I look around me and see how brilliant everyone else is and know I don't have a chance. I can't compete in academia; I don't really think I have the drive or the self-discipline or the intelligence to pursue a terminal degree, and sometimes I really hate that. And other days I know I would be miserable if I went back to school, and furthermore, why should I give up 5 years of my life so I can experience poverty, endless papers, a monstrous dissertation, and no guarantee of a job when I survive it all? Then there's the matter of children (I want to have them), and I know I don't want to wait 5 years to do so but can't imagine having a child while also pursuing a PhD, nor would I want to. I doubt my ability to be both an excellent mother and an excellent academic, and if I had to choose one, I'd rather seek to be an excellent mom.

In regards to weight loss, while I love SparkPeople and have found it to be so helpful in tracking my food and exercise, it also has its drawbacks. When I see other people's weight loss goals or their current weight, I immediately compare myself to them, and I always come out as the fatter one who has more weight to lose. Obviously, not everyone on the site is smaller than me, but I illogically conclude that at least once a week. I also feel incredibly self-conscious when I see people on the site talking about how they're "fat" when they weigh 150 pounds. I would love to weigh 150 pounds, but I definitely don't, and I don't know if I'll ever get there, so that then makes me think that when people look at my goal weight and current weight, they are completely grossed out by how overweight I am. (As if I'm of enough consequence that anyone even gives my weight a second thought!) Or I'll look at how fast other people are losing weight and then feel like my own progress is slow and my goal weight elusive, and I'll just want to cry and give up.

The cure for CD? Unrelenting, desperate, all-consuming reliance on God, something at which I'm terribly inept. But if I could handle this on my own, I wouldn't need God, would I? Never am I so reminded of His faithfulness, His strength, and His love than in the midst of my inconsistency, weakness, and doubt, and for that I must be thankful, for if my weakness leads me to Him, how can I fail? He is breaking me, and I rejoice in that, for "He wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal" (Job 5:18).

If you've made it this far, God bless you.

My total weight lost is now 17 pounds! Only 8 more pounds until I reach my first goal. Here are the rewards I finally came up with :

25 pounds lost: New swimsuit or pants for work. The swimsuit I would really like because my one from last year is already getting kind of worn, but the pants would be much more practical, as I can now remove almost all of my pants without unbuttoning/unzipping them (my jeans are the exception). I don't want to buy a ton of new clothes because I am going to lose more weight, but my pants are getting to be downright ugly.

50 pounds lost: 1 new book, CD, and movie.

75 pounds lost: A manicure and pedicure or a one-hour massage (I'm a little wary of getting a massage after my last experience).

100 pounds lost: A trip to Disney World and Sea World! We're going to start saving for this soon. I'm teaching a class in July, and I'm going to put that whole paycheck right into savings. I want it to be an amazing trip. The good thing is, I'm still a long way from this goal, so we'll have time to plan and make it an awesome trip. I've never been to Sea World, and I've wanted to go for YEARS, so this reward is a huge motivation for me.

I'm feeling really good today and encouraged that I can do this. God's mercies are new every morning!

I will leave you with this Scripture I just revisited because of a question Lauren posted to her Xanga. I love the book of Isaiah because to me it is like a mini-Bible; there is a picture of both the Old and New Testament clearly laid out in this book (and it even has 66 chapters!). Isaiah 66:1-2:

1This is what the LORD says:
"Heaven is my throne, and the earth is my footstool.
Where is the house you will build for me?
Where will my resting place be?

2 Has not my hand made all these things,
and so they came into being?" declares the LORD.
"This is the one I esteem:
he who is humble and contrite in spirit,
and trembles at my word.

I just love these verses. Heaven is his throne and earth his footstool! What a picture of His greatness and our unworthiness. And in the second verse we find out how to draw near to the heart of this MIGHTY God--be humble and contrite and fear Him and His Word. Simple words, but a challenging task. Draw near to Him today.

I've been at this whole weight loss thing for 12 weeks now. Aside from one time about 8 years ago, I think that's the longest I've attempted something like this. (8 years ago is also when I was at my "skinniest.") I'm really proud of myself for continuing to stick with this, even though I don't always see the results I want. I know that even if it takes me two years to lose this weight (and I really hope it doesn't take that long), it will be worth it because I'm building a healthy future for myself, I'm creating a better version of me that will allow me to be a better wife and, someday, a better mom. I don't want to be unable to really play with my kids because I get winded after 5 minutes of exercise; I want to have the energy to be fully involved in their games of make-believe, the chases around the backyard, the tickle sessions. And I want Stephen to be able to pick me up and twirl me around in his arms. I want to feel his arms squeezing me tight. Just today he said that he thought he could wrap his arms around me more than he used to be able to, and that made me feel good.

I went back to the doctor yesterday to find out the results of the MRI, and thankfully I have no major problem. I do have something that I can neither spell or pronounce as it's scientifically designated but is basically "roughness under (or behind?) the kneecap." (And I just looked it up: chondromalacia patellar. Say that 3 times fast!) Right now the only thing is for me to continue doing the exercises I've been given and take the anti-inflammatory meds until I go back for a follow up visit on May 8. The doctor says in most cases, this problem goes away on its own, but occasionally the kneecap has to be "filed down," which doesn't sound too appealing, so hears hoping for natural recovery! I'm supposed to continue avoiding anything that requires too much bending, and he told me to avoid stairs, which I found amusing, since we live in a townhouse. (When I told him this, he said, "Well, then make sure you don't have to constantly run upstairs to retrieve things you've forgotten." I do this all the time.) I've been limiting the amount of exercise I do on the elliptical to about 15-20 minutes because I don't want to worsen the condition, and some days are easier than others in terms of pain. I look forward to being able to work out in full strength.

Now that I've kept up with this for a good amount of time, I feel more and more certain that this can be a lifestyle change. I keep visualizing myself as a "mini me," a slimmer, healthier me, and I hope that one day the vision becomes the reflection I see in the mirror. Still, I have to keep looking to the Lord to give me strength, to help me press onward towards the goal, both in this effort and in my every day life. He IS my strength. The moment I lose my focus on Him, this whole attempt means nothing. I was reminded last week of a passage in Philippians 3, one that I used to meditate on often but had nearly forgotten until recently. Philippians 3:7-14: But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

I could lose those 100 pounds, but if Christ is not the center, then it's all worthless. May I have His face ever before me.

The Bad: I stepped on the scale this morning and found that I have gained back the weight I lost last week. I was upset, to say the least.

The Good: This afternoon I went to Bartlett and stopped by my parent's house to pick up my mom for a wedding shower. My aunt was visiting, and she said, "You look like you've lost weight!" And two people at the shower said similar things.

On a day when I was feeling completely like a failure (and a fat one at that), God sent grace in human form.

I'm in a funk.

I don't feel like I've made very good choices with my food at all this week, and I haven't been able to exercise much because of my knee. I've done a lot with weights, in the hopes of counteracting the decreased amount of cardio, but overall I just feel discouraged. The truth of the matter is, even though I've lost 15 pounds, I'm still a glutton. Food is an idol in my life that needs to be destroyed. I almost typed "that I need to destroy," but I know that I can't do it. I absolutely cannot conquer this with my strength. I have no strength and no willpower. Just this morning I made cinnamon rolls for breakfast because we had some extra time, and let's just say I ate a lot more of them than I should have. And of course I felt guilty almost immediately afterwards. In one meal, I consumed almost half of my calories for the whole day. That's pathetic! I expected those kinds of lapses when I first began this process, not almost 3 months into it. If this idol is going to be destroyed forever, then God has to do it, and I have to trust and believe that He will, if I hand it over to Him. I must surrender my desires for His.

I think after losing 3 pounds last week, I was so excited and so confident that I was on the right track that I let my guard down. I wasn't as vigilant this week, not as focused on what was going into my body. It seems that I assumed I wouldn't always have to be so careful, but I do. This is a lifestyle change, a mindset change, and that change isn't going to happen overnight.

I don't want to be consumed with losing weight; I want to be consumed with love of God. I want to long for Him, hunger after Him and not a piece of chocolate. As sad as this sounds, I think my thoughts about food outweigh my thoughts about God, and that is despicable. Food offers temporary satisfaction; the Lord is the eternal wellspring of life! May I drink deeply from its depths.