For the Love

I've realized something: I become less disciplined when I don't blog. The month of April, which has definitely been light on blogging, has not been my best month. I have managed to maintain my weight, but after losing 5 pounds in March, that's pretty pitiful. I haven't exercised much, and I don't even know exactly how much because I've slacked off on tracking my fitness minutes. I opted to skip exercise many days, and even though I've still been tracking my calories, they haven't been good calories on many days. All of this was made easier by my infrequent blog posts. Sad, huh?

I also think part of the problem is that I feel like I am floundering a bit now that I don't have the goal of running a half marathon staring me in the face. I definitely feel like it was the right decision for me not to run it, and I don't regret that, but I do miss having a goal like that to focus on. It gave my workouts purpose and direction, and now I'm lacking that, which has made it far too easy to skip them altogether. Ultimately, though, I'm just making excuses, and the truth is I haven't wanted to lose weight enough this month to actually put in the effort to make weight loss possible. It literally just occurred to me that even though I don't have the big goal of completing a half marathon, I still have 10 pounds to lose to reach my big goal of losing 100 pounds. Why can't THAT be enough to give me focus??

Honestly, some days I think I'd be fine staying at the weight that I am. I am happy with how I look in (most) clothes, and I feel more confident than I have in YEARS. But then I see all the extra skin and fatty parts of my body and know that I am not being as good to my body as I need to be. I am not feeding it what it needs or giving it the workouts it deserves, and so even though I may be content with my weight, I am not content with my lifestyle, so something needs to change.

That being said, I am going to jump back on the 30 Day Shred bandwagon! I first tried it back in October of 2008 but then had to quit because it was too rough on my knees. However, I am ready to try again and see what I've got. I'm very excited to see if I find it easier than it was for me back then, when I was about 47 pounds heavier. I know it will be challenging, but I am hopeful that all the running I've been doing has put me in better shape. The plan is to do the Shred 3 days a week, and I want to be able to do all 3 levels by the end of the summer. I think that's a very doable goal, and I'm hoping it will help me tone those places that are in desperate need of it! Even better, my husband has agreed to try it with me, so tomorrow morning is our first workout! I can't wait!

I hope you all are doing wonderfully and are doing your best to make your goals happen, even I'm not the same! :)

I'm a bit overwhelmed with life right now, what with trying to buy a new house and learning a new job and attempting to stay on track with weight loss, so the blog posts are going to be few and far between for a while. We are supposed to close on our house on May 14 and then move May 29, so hopefully that will all go well and then life can go back to normal!

If you want to see the house we're buying, here are some pictures from the listing: Our future home.

Isn't it cute?? :)

Thanks to all of you who read and comment. I hope you're all having a great week!

I got rid of most of my "fat clothes" a long time ago, but I kept a few items of clothing to remind myself of how far I've come. Tonight I decided to try on an old pair of jeans to see how much bigger they are on me now. Let's just say, they're a little on the large side:





I can't believe that these jeans used to FIT me. They're a size 24 (I'm a size 14 now). If I'd gained much more weight, I wouldn't have been able to find pants to fit me!

Putting on those jeans has made me even more determined NEVER to go back to being 261 pounds. Losing weight may be hard, but it feels much better than being 261 pounds!

It began with this post. Just one woman posting a tribute to her body and all that it does for her. That one post sparked a movement, with other bloggers posting their own pictures and tributes. I read one today by Lyn at Escape from Obesity, one of my favorite bloggers, and her post about her arms inspired me to do my own.

Longtime readers will remember my posts from last summer about my experiment with bearing my arms, arms which I viewed with more than a little bit of disgust, arms which I refer to as my "bat wings." I challenged myself to appreciate my arms for what they are and wore sleeveless shirts to try and be more comfortable in my own body. And it worked.

For a while.

Now that the weather is warmer and I've started wearing short-sleeved shirts, I've started noticing my arms again. Every time I reach for something at my desk, I see the flab. And it takes a lot of willpower for me not to instantly think, "Ugh, arm flab! Gross!" But I am trying to remember that 1) no one really cares about my arms, and 2) my arms happen to be an essential part of my body that can do a lot of fantastic things. They are not perfect--far from it--but they are mine, and they have come a long way.

Usually when I pose for pictures, I make sure my arm flab is not so prominent, but not today. Today I am going to grin and bear 'em. So, blog world, I present to you my arms in all their flabby glory:



What about you? What do you appreciate about your body?

P.S. THANK YOU for all of your wonderful, supportive comments on yesterday's post! I really, really appreciate them. You guys are awesome!

(I never thought I'd borrow from I Love Lucy to get a blog title, but there's a first time for everything.) There's no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to say it:

I am not going to run the half marathon.

Looking back, I think this decision has been a long time coming, but it was only until tonight that I gave myself permission to say the words out loud: "I'm not going to run the half marathon." And the minute I said those words, I felt one thing: relief. Immense relief.

You see, I have been stressed out about this half marathon for weeks. I began dreading every long run. Yes, I had one glorious 11 mile run, but my other long runs? They were not glorious. Mostly they were hard and even painful. I can't seem to run more than 5 miles without experiencing pain in my hips. Tonight I headed out, with the intention of knocking out one final 2 hour run before the half on April 17. However, not five minutes into my run, I got a cramp in my right side. Then a cramp in my left side. I ran a mile and a half with that cramp before walking. And I kept thinking, "What if the race is like this? Hip pain and side cramps. Do I really want to put myself through over two hours of discomfort?" I started thinking about why I wanted to run a half marathon. Deep down, I want to run it so I can say that I did it, but shouldn't there be more to it than that?

Tears came to my eyes as I walked and thought about the race, and I realized how much stress--how much pressure--I've been putting on myself, and for what? So I can say I ran 13.1 miles? I stayed at the park for an hour before heading home, and I called my mom for advice. I asked her, "Mom, would you still love me if I didn't run a half marathon?" Of course I knew the answer to that question, but the very fact that I asked it told my mom I'd been taking all of this way too seriously, and she helped me to see that I've made this race into such a huge thing that it threatened to swallow me up. I have always tended toward perfectionism, toward striving for the absolute best, and yet this striving often made me miserable. In school all I cared about was making an A, but I was often stressed and unhappy and dissatisfied. And here I am in a similar situation: striving so badly for something that I think I want and just making myself miserable in the process.

It's silly and foolish, but the prideful part of me didn't want to have to tell people I didn't go through with the half marathon after I've spent so much time and energy writing about it and preparing for it. The prideful part of me also felt like I had to run this race so I wouldn't let people down, so I wouldn't disappoint those of you who read this blog and have been supporting me. Some of you may read this and think I am crazy for making this decision, and I am prepared for that. Or maybe some of you already thought I was crazy, to which I say, "Duh." :) At some point, though, I have to forget about what other people think. (How much easier my life would be if I could forget about what other people think!)

Ultimately, I decided not to run in the half marathon because I want a race like that to be done because I truly enjoy it, not because I feel like I have something to prove or some standard to live up to. The truth is, I enjoy shorter runs more than long ones, and that's okay. I have to realize that just because other people have run a marathon or half marathon doesn't mean I have to. It doesn't negate the other things I've accomplished.

I am healthy. I am happy. I am LOVED. That is more than enough.

Happy April, friends! No foolin' here. :)

Since it's a new month, it's time for a recap of last month and then new goals!

March starting weight: 176.8
March ending weight: 171.2
LOSS of 5.6 pounds

I can't believe I lost 5 pounds this month! I am so excited! Not only is this the most weight I've lost in a month in quite some time, but my new weight also means that I have officially lost 90 pounds! Only 10 pounds until I reach my goal. Yes!

Now, for the not-so-great report of March goals:

My goals for March:

1. Run in one race. COMPLETED. I ran in a 5k last Saturday and achieved a PR.

2. Go to the gym 10 times. FAIL. I made it 7 times. I would be lame and blame my failure to go 3 more times on the gym's change in hours because it is spring break and I workout at a university gym, but honestly, I just didn't go enough times.

3. Get up at 5:15 a.m. at least 4 times during the work week. FAIL. I don't know how many times I ended up getting up at 5:15, but it definitely wasn't 4 times a week. Again, I could be lame and make excuses, but I just didn't get it done. I'm still working on it, though.

As for my year-long goals, here’s a quick recap of those:

Fitness minutes: 892 (goal for the year: 12,000; total so far: 2,260)
Calories burned: 9,610 (no goal set–I just like tracking this) :)
Miles ran/walked/biked: 62.3 (goal for the year: 800; total so far: 140.8)
Books read: 2 this month (goal for the year: 20; total so far: 7). I read Chasing Fireflies by Charles Martin and Counterfeit Gods by Timothy Keller.
I only blogged 3 times a week for two of the four weeks.
I have found my time for Bible study and prayer--mornings. I get it done even if I don't get exercise in.
I have not yet run a 10k or half marathon race.

My goals for April are simple:

1. Wake up at 5:15 at least 4 times a week.

2. Complete the half marathon on April 17. I am making this a specific goal because I have had lots of thoughts of chickening out recently, but I have to at least try, right?

That's it! What are your goals for April?