For the Love

In no particular order:

1.  The tornado sirens are going off as I write this.  It seems like the sirens have gone off at least once a week for the past month, and it's getting very old.  We lost power for at least 10 hours last night, and I hope we don't lose it again tonight.  Fortunately, Charlotte is completely oblivious to severe weather, which is definitely a blessing!   I was in Memphis on Monday with my boss because we were meeting with clients, and the storm seemed to come out of nowhere.  We were headed back a little before 1 p.m. and listening to the radio for weather updates and realized we were basically driving into the bad weather.  Awesome.  Of course I was thinking about Charlotte the whole time and praying that she was safe and that everything was fine.  When we got back to Jackson, my boss was kind enough to take me by the daycare so I could go see her.  I found her in the basement, and the workers told me she had been sleeping for most of the time they were down there, and I was so relieved. 


2.  I haven't worked out since my first Couch 2 5k workout last Tuesday.  There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day for everything, and I am feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. 

3.  I feel like I will never lose the weight.

4.  I think Charlotte gets cuter every day.  Look at her on Easter:
It's almost too much cuteness to handle!

5.  I feel kind of like a bad mother when people ask me, "Is Charlotte sleeping through the night yet" and I have to respond in the negative.  I think the longest stretch of sleep she's gotten is 6 hours, and that was only once.  We get excited if she'll sleep for 4 hours. 

Those are some things on my mind?  What's on your mind?

Thanks to the office being closed this Friday, I am almost finished with my first week back at work, and I couldn't be more relieved!  Monday was really hard.  I was emotionally on edge all day, and when I got back from lunch after being at home and seeing Charlotte, I cried.  I thought about her all day long and just missed her SO much.  Fortunately, Tuesday was a bit better, and then today was better still, but I still think about my sweet baby girl all the time.  Of course, let's face it:  it would be weird if I WEREN'T thinking about her all the time, right??  I am still super anxious about her starting daycare next week, but I keep reminding myself that it is not the end of the world and that I need to put Charlotte completely in God's hands instead of thinking that I am in control.  He is completely sovereign, and I know He loves Charlotte far more than I can even imagine, so why should I worry?  For now, I have to focus on taking it one day at a time.

I am sad to report that this week the scale informed that I have gained three pounds.  I honestly do not feel as though I could have eaten enough extra calories last week to warrant such a gain, especially because when I was at home with Charlotte I didn't exactly have time to sit around and eat all day.  I was lucky when I was able to get in 3 square meals.  Maybe that was part of the problem, who knows?  Still, seeing that gain completely threw me for a loop and has left me feeling a bit like I will never lose the rest of this weight. I know it hasn't even been 8 weeks since I had Charlotte, but I really thought I would have lost more weight by now.  But if I am 100% honest with myself, it's not as though I have really put in the effort it takes to have lost more weight by this point.  I can't keep eating junk and expect the pounds to melt away just because I am exercising 30 minutes here and there.  That just doesn't make weight loss sense! 

Speaking of exercising 30 minutes here and there, last night I completely Week 1 Day 1 of Couch to 5k!  It was definitely challenging, and as I was struggling through each 60 second jog, I kept thinking, "Was I really able to walk/run 11 miles at one point?!"  I am so out of shape right now that it's hard to believe I did that, but I did, and that means it is still possible!  I don't even know if I want to aim for running 11 miles; at this point I'd be thrilled to run 3!  I am just going to take it one workout at a time and do my best to make Couch to 5k a success for the second time around, and then I will see what other running-related goals I may want to set for the rest of the year. 

Ultimately, my life these days is all about taking things one day at a time.  If I try and think beyond that, I'll drive myself insane.  I cling to the words in Matthew 6:34:  "Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself.  Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

Tomorrow marks the end of my maternity leave.  I admit that I have mixed feelings.  On the one hand, I am going to miss seeing my little girl all day, every day.  On the other hand, I am looking forward to getting to interact with adults and get back to my job, which I happen to like (most of the time, haha).

I think the most difficult thing about going back to work is knowing that someone else will be taking care of her, not me.  The thought of her being in daycare every day makes me really sad, and I know I will have a hard time the first few weeks.  However, I know that she will be in good hands.  I also know that daycare kids don't end up scarred for life or anything like that.  After all, I was in daycare, and I'm only slightly neurotic, so it can't be too bad, right? ;) 

Another challenge about going back to work will be finding time to exercise.  Time is at a premium now, but it will be much more so when I am back at work and the only time I will have with Stephen and Charlotte will be in the early morning before I leave and in the evening after we are all at home.  I feel selfish for wanting to spend any of that precious time just exercising, but I know it's important to take care of myself so I can be there for Stephen and for Charlotte.  It will be tough, though.  I am going to just keep trying to get in at least 3 workouts of at least 30 minutes at a time, and I will start Couch to 5k next week, which will give me a specific goal to work towards. 

Overall, going back to work is a necessity right now, and while I'm not completely thrilled about it, I am determined to make the best of the situation and take it one day at a time. Ultimately, that's really all any of us are guaranteed.

I have to be honest.  I am really struggling with feeling motivated about weight loss. What is sad about this is that I should be very motivated for a number of reasons.  Let's list them, shall we?

1.  I have not lost any weight for the past 3 weeks.  In fact, on some days my weight has actually been up a pound or two.
2.  I have very few clothes that fit me properly.  Very few of my pre-pregnancy tops and pants fit me, and my maternity clothes are really too big, but that hasn't stopped me from wearing my maternity jeans just about every day, even though I have to pull them up approximately 82 times. 
3.  I went shopping over the weekend to find something for Easter and couldn't find anything.  Then I got depressed when I tried on several items from the misses section and only one shirt fit.  I couldn't even wear XL in most of the tops.
4.  I ended up buying a top in a section I thought I was through visiting--the plus size section.  (Although I will say that most things I tried on were too big for me.) 

Shouldn't that be enough to motivate me?  #4 especially was upsetting to me yesterday, and yet here I find myself today wondering why I can't get my act together.  I admit that I have struggled to find any sort of routine at home, which makes it hard to figure out when I can exercise or even when I can find time to eat lunch, much less eat a healthy lunch.  And the meals I plan for dinner have leaned more toward convenience than health as well, so I'm certainly not helping myself in that department.  

Ultimately, however, it doesn't matter that I'm not motivated.  In the past when I've been unmotivated to work out or make healthy choices, I've just told myself to fake it until I make it, to not care how I feel but to just do it.  And it worked.  Pushing past times when I've lacked motivation is what helped me lose 90 pounds before, so clearly I can do it. 

So why is it so hard right now?

I don't have an answer for myself, no inspiring words to offer.  But I do know this: I CAN lose weight.  I want and need to lose weight.  The only way I will fail is if I don't even try. 

Yesterday Charlotte turned a month old!  I really can't believe how quickly time is passing.  She will be in college before I know it.  Sniff sniff. :)  I have to say that she is doing much better in the sleeping department; most nights she only wakes up when it's time for her to eat (pretty much every 3 hours on the dot).  Stephen and I have split the night up into shifts, so I go to bed between 9 and 10, and he takes care of Charlotte until 2 a.m., when it's my turn.  This has helped both of us get more sleep and seems to work well.  Charlotte still doesn't seem to like sleeping in her crib or cradle, but I am going to keep trying to put her in them because when she goes to daycare that is where she will have to sleep!  She still has her fussy periods, but I think it's mostly due to gas pains.  We have been experimenting with different formula and bottles and using Mylicon drops, so hopefully we can find something that works best for her.  Fortunately, she has been better the past 2 days or so, fortunately. 

And yes, after much thought, we did decide to switch over to formula.  It is amazing how much less stress I felt when we did this, and even though I still believe breastfeeding is best, it just didn't work for us.  In the end, what matters is that Charlotte is healthy and is growing, and she is doing just that.  In fact, she gained 1 pound and 1 ounce in two weeks!  Overall, I'm a happier mommy now, and I know that can't be anything but beneficial for Charlotte, too.

Yesterday Charlotte also went on her first social outing!  We had dinner with our small group from church at a friend's house, and she did really well!  I was nervous all day about how Charlotte would be because the afternoons/early evenings seem to be the times when she is most fussy, but she was great!  She pretty much slept the whole time, and our friends had a small portable swing that Charlotte absolutely LOVED!  This was great to us because she has not really liked to use our swing at all (it's a big, full-sized model).  They ended up giving us the swing to borrow, which was super nice, and I am looking forward to seeing how she likes it at our house.  This morning Charlotte and I visited Stephen at work and showed her off to his coworkers, and she was on her best behavior for them, too.  It is my goal to try and take her out for a little bit each day, so she can get used to riding in the car and being out in public (and of course I will avoid large, crowded places since she hasn't had her first round of shots yet). 

On the weight loss front, I did not lose any weight this past week.  I did however get in 3 separate workouts of 30-35 minutes apiece, so I am pleased with that.  I am trying to eat better, but admittedly still have lots of room for improvement in this area.  I developed some bad habits while I was pregnant (like needing to have something sweet after dinner), so I am going to have be diligent about breaking these habits and remember that I am no longer pregnant and do not need to consume any extra calories because I am not breastfeeding either.

All in all, life is good, if not a bit hectic and crazy at times.  But I wouldn't have it any other way. :)

Is she cute or what?!