For the Love

I didn't intend to go over a week without blogging, but looks like I did! I'm back and have some exciting news. Well, exciting for me, that is. Most of you probably couldn't care less, but I'm sharing it anyway. :)

Last Tuesday, I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. It's something I'd been thinking about for a while, and with the encouragement of my husband and some great feedback I got about the program, I decided to take the plunge. I vacillated between going to meetings or doing the program online, but since it's a lot more expensive to go to meetings, I decided to try the online program for 3 months and then reassess after that.

I officially started the program last Wednesday, and it was a tough week. Counting points instead of calories has required a huge mental shift for me. I generally know the calorie amounts for most foods that I eat, but I had no idea how many points those same foods are, so Weight Watchers has required me to plan ahead and do research about what foods are the best to eat and what are to avoid.  A really neat thing about the plan is that most fruits and veggies don't have any points, which encourages me to eat those things more since they don't count toward my daily points allotment (which is 28, for those who are curious).

So, how did I fare on the scale my first week?

That's right, I had a race this weekend! I didn't mention it because I was nervous about it and wasn't even sure I would blog about it. The truth is, my running has been rather lackluster over the summer, and I haven't run more than 4 miles at one time since my half-marathon (which was March 31). The heat of summer took all desire to run right out of me, and I used that as an excuse to slack off. Still, I've managed to run 2-3 times a week, even if it's only 2 miles at a time, and I decided I needed to sign up for a race to get me back in the running groove. I picked the Knight Run 5k because it was at night, and I've never run a race at night, and one of my all-time favorite former professors was going to be playing in the band that provided the post-race entertainment. It was too good to pass up.

The race was scheduled to start at 6:30, so I got there around 6:00. Stephen and I debated bringing Charlotte out to the race, but since her bedtime is at 6:30, we didn't want to risk a meltdown, so I went to the race solo. I checked in, got my shirt, took it to my car, realized I didn't get gum (gum is a MUST for me when running), so then I went back to my car, got gum, then went to the bathroom. Good thing I got there early! I ended up running into a former student of mine from Union, and at first she didn't recognize me because I was a lot heavier when I taught her. We chatted until time for the race to start, and I was so glad I ran into her so I didn't have to stand around by myself. I was especially glad for the company given the fact that this race had a disproportionate amount of teenagers. This shouldn't have surprised me since the race was a fundraiser for a private high school, but I still felt old. It was drizzling a bit before the race, and I kind of hoped it would continue because the rain had a cooling effect.

Once 6:30 came, everyone gathered around the starting line, and we were off! I let lots of racers pass me and try to settle into a good rhythm. Going into the race I hoped to get a PR, but I also told myself that it was highly unlikely given my sporadic, unfocused running of late. Instead, I wanted to focus on simply enjoying the experience. (Of course, this didn't stop me from wearing my Garmin so I could obsessively monitor my pace, and it also didn't stop me from setting the RunKeeper app goal pace at 10:30/mile.) It wasn't 4 minutes into the race before I felt like I was struggling. The rain had died down at that point, and in its place was incredibly muggy weather. I had a hard time getting a good breath, so I slowed up a little. I eventually found my pace and focused on staying relatively consistent with it.

The race itself is kind of a blur. I checked my Garmin approximately 1,281 times, and my pace was all over the place in the first mile but then hovered around the 10:30-10:50 mile mark for a while. My hope for a PR remained, but even though the course was pretty flat, the entire run felt hard to me. I did a poor job of hydrating that day, so I was thirsty the whole time, and the only water station was before the end of the first mile. (I've never been to a race with only 1 water station!) I kept a running mental pep talk going, telling myself that I could stop to walk, but ONLY for 30 seconds. I did this at some point, and I think it really did help me pick up the pace after that.

There were no mile markers on the course, and I didn't hear my Garmin alarm for any of the miles, so I wasn't entirely sure if I was on track to beat my best 5k race time of 33:12. But as I looked down at my Garmin and saw 2.9 miles and saw the end of the course ahead, I had hope. I broke into an all out sprint, and I'm sure the older gentleman I passed mere feet from the finish didn't appreciate it, but I could see the time clock, and I had to get past that finish line. I kept my eyes fixed on that clock, and I crossed the finish at 32:09, a new personal record! I beat my previous PR by over a minute! I was ecstatic.

The interesting thing about this race is that according to my Garmin, I only ran 3.02 miles. If you'll recall, at my last 5k I ended up running MORE than a 5k (my Garmin said 3.37 miles), and this time I ended up running LESS. I've decided to put it out of my mind, though, because if I hadn't had my Garmin, I would just assume that I had completed a full 5k.

I'm so happy I decided to run this race and so happy that after more than TWO YEARS, I finally have a new PR! I also placed third in my age group. Out of four runners. Ha.

Smiling in victory

Here's my 5k playlist, for those interested. I didn't make it through all the songs since my pessimistic self planned for 41 minutes of race time. :)

1.  "Take My Hand" by Shawn McDonald
2.  "Spotlight" by MUTEMATH
3.  "Me Without You" by TobyMac
4.  "Savannah" by Relient K
5.  "God Is Enough" by Lecrae
6.  "Eye On It" by TobyMac
7.  "Hurts Like Heaven" by Coldplay
8.  "Princess of China" by Coldplay
9.  "Walking on Water" by Lecrae
10. "Lose Myself" by TobyMac
11. "Sahara" by Relient K

I'm linking up with Lisa-Jo's Five Minute Friday, and I couldn't have picked a better word to lead me to some important realizations. This week's word: focus.


 
I invite you to join in the challenge of writing for just five minutes this Friday. Who knows what will come of it?

For lunch today I had a Lean Cuisine. Then for dinner I had a Whopper. With a Diet Coke. I finished up the day by burning 500 calories on the treadmill.

I am a walking contradiction.

I am weary of fighting with my body, with my mind. I am weary of second-guessing everything I want to eat and wondering if I should or not. I am weary of starting every day with good intentions only to end it wishing I could have a do-over. I've been at this weight loss thing for 4.5 YEARS. Shouldn't it be easier by now? Shouldn't I have it all figured out?

Instead, I feel more helpless than ever. I feel helpless to change who I am. I feel helpless to lose the rest of the weight I want to lose. I wish I could go back to those first few months of weight loss, where everything was exciting and new and I was dedicated to making weight loss happen. I counted my calories faithfully, got up early and exercised faithfully, lost weight faithfully. It wasn’t all rosy, but I lost 50 pounds that first year. I was doing things right.

Somewhere along the way, something happened. I lost sight of the goal, or maybe I lost sight of where I had been and how really miserable I was when I weighed 261 pounds. I haven’t been that heavy in a long time, and the more removed from it I become, the less I remember about what it was really like to be that heavy.

But it was HARD. I know that. I never could find clothes that I liked. I never liked the way I looked. I never even THOUGHT about running around the block, much less running a half marathon. I would stuff my face with junk and then feel disgusting and defeated afterward. Life as a fat girl was hard, but I sometimes feel like it was easier than the constant struggle I find myself in now.

Every day is a battle. Will I work out or not? Will I log all of my food or not? Will I weight myself or not? Some days I make the right choices. Other days I don’t. And still other days I wish I didn’t have to make a choice at all. I’ve never been very good at making decisions.

I’m tired of thinking about weight loss and food all the time, but I know that if I stop thinking about it, I’ll wake up one day and find myself at 261 pounds again. If I know one thing, I know that I don’t want to be that girl again.

For today, knowing that will have to be enough.

At 18 months, Charlotte is a bundle of energy. And emotions. She goes from smiling to crying in two seconds flat and then back to smiling a few minutes later. If she doesn't get what she wants when she wants, or if we tell her no to something, she starts stomping her feet and wailing and putting on quite the show. I was shocked the first time she did it because she has always been so sweet, but her temper has definitely come to light! What's funny to me is that even though she may be crying because of something we said or did to make her mad, she will come running to us with her arms outstretched. She still needs us to make her feel better and help calm her down. There is nothing I love more than feeling her little arms tight around my neck and having that sweet head of hers nestled into the crook of my neck.

Smiling at Daddy while wearing his shoes

Speaking of her head, Charlotte continues her trend of having a head circumference in the 90th  percentile. Her head has been large since the beginning, and as I said yesterday on Twitter and Facebook, it's because she has a giant genius brain. How could she not, with such brilliant parents? (Says the woman who just the other day was looking for her sunglasses only to realize they were ON HER HEAD.)

Charlotte's current stats:

Weight: 25 lbs (slightly above the 50th percentile)
Height:  33 inches (75th percentile) She grew 2.5 inches in 3 months!
Head:   48 cm (90th percentile)

Of course, the minute we got back to the doctor's area yesterday, Charlotte started crying. She's no fool. She knows where the pain happens. Even when the nurse was trying to weigh and measure her, she was crying. Poor baby. I am so glad that we don't have to go back for another checkup for 6 more months! She only had one shot this time, too, which was nice for a change. I hate the way she cries and looks up at me as though I've willfully caused her pain. (And I guess in a way I have, since I brought her to the doctor. Oops.)

These days Charlotte babbles all the time, and she's starting to talk more. I've been a little bit worried about her language development because she's not saying a ton of words, but she knows over 10 words, so the pediatrician wasn't worried at all.

Charlotte's favorites:
1. Our dog Bailey. She wants so badly to be friends with Bailey, but Bailey's having none of it and keeps her distance whenever possible. Charlotte brings her toys and even feeds her food, but still I'm pretty sure if Charlotte were gone tomorrow Bailey would throw a party. I hope they'll be friends when Charlotte gets a little older and learns to be more gentle. Right now her idea of petting is to swat at her.
2.  Snacks. The girl could snack all day long (hmm, wonder where she got that?). She loves puffs and veggie straws and goldfish and bananas and grapes.

Fascinated by the macaroni and cheese

3.  Outside. She loves to go outside and asks every day when we get home if she can go outside. Today when I told her we couldn't because it was too hot and wet, she threw herself on the ground and thrashed about as though her life were ending. I can't imagine where she got such a dramatic streak.
4.  Her paci. We primarily give it to her only for naps and nighttime sleep, but she is SO attached to it. Her face lights up when we give it to her, and she has to sleep with one in her mouth and one in her hand. For a while she was doing a good job of willingly giving them up when she woke up, but lately we've had to wait until we can distract her with food before getting it away from her. Man oh man, are we going to have a time when we wean her off the pacifier!
5. Music. Charlotte has loved music for a long time, and that hasn't changed one bit. She will start dancing the minute she hears music, and on our rides home from daycare I often catch her bobbing her head along with the music. It cracks me up to see her bustin' a move. I hope she grows up loving to sing and listen to music. 

Charlotte's dislikes:
1. Getting into the car seat. She has started fighting this with a vengeance. Last week I spent literally 20 minutes (and I do mean literally) trying to wrestle her into the seat. She was screaming and kicking and then she would giggle like she was playing some hysterical game. Mommy was not amused. She still puts up a fight, but I've gotten better about getting her strapped in. The kid is strong!
2.  Diaper and clothing changes. I don't know why she hates these things, but it's rare for Charlotte not to get upset while we're trying to change her diaper or change her clothes. We've had some success with changing her on the floor instead of the changing table, but even then she sometimes tries to roll away naked. She's free-spirited, I guess.
3.  Baths. She's gotten better the last few baths she's had, but for a while now Charlotte has cried and screamed when we try to give her a bath. A few times we resorted to just sponging her off in the sink, she was so hysterical. It's incredibly stressful, and sometimes not even toys or her paci will calm her down. I'm hoping she grows out of this phase soon!
4.  Vegetables in solid form. This is really weird, but lately we've hardly had any luck getting Charlotte to eat vegetables UNLESS they're pureed. Has anyone else experienced this? We can try to give her some carrots cut up, and she won't eat them, but then she'll gobble up a baby food jar of carrots! That makes no sense to me!
5.  Saying goodbye to us. It's hard to drop her off in the morning for daycare and at church on Sundays. She gets very clingy and starts to cry and doesn't want us to leave. It breaks my heart! She's getting better at this, though.

I look back at where Charlotte was just 6 months ago and am amazed at how much she's grown and changed. I know that by the time she's 2 so much more will have happened. I hope I can savor and cherish every minute!

Our little diva

I hope everyone had a nice long weekend. I sure did! Mine started early with an unexpected half day at work on Friday. I got off at 1:30, so Stephen and I met up for lunch, and then I went grocery shopping. By myself. It was awesome to be able to take my time and not rush through anything. I don't really enjoy grocery shopping, but I enjoyed that trip, especially since I didn't even have to wait in line to check out. :) After I got home and unpacked the groceries, I went and picked up Charlotte from daycare, and we went out in the backyard almost as soon as we got home. I think she would live in the backyard if we would let her.






The whole weekend we spent a lot of time just hanging out as a family. Charlotte is on the go pretty much whenever she is awake, so she kept us on our toes! She enjoys using both of us as her personal jungle gym, and she cracks us up with her dance moves.

Today we went to the park, and she LOVED running around the playground and climbing up and down the stairs and of course swinging!



That smile of hers melts my heart!

I hope you all had a great weekend! Here's to a wonderful September!