For the Love

I have had a few people ask me how my ulcerative colitis is doing, so I thought I would post an update. I started a new medication called Uceris back in April after coming home in the middle of a work day because I felt so bad. I actually missed 4 days of work in April, the most I have missed in any one month this year. That first day I went home sick, I called my GI doctor and told him that I still was not doing much better even after increasing my Humira injections to once a week instead of once every other week, so he prescribed the Uceris. Uceris is a steroid that is released directly into the colon and therefore has fewer side effects than prednisone, which I hated taking. I have been very pleased with the lack of side effects while I've been on Uceris, but I am also not sure it's helping me too much either. I have had a few better days this month, but I've also still had some really difficult days. Along with prescribing the Uceris, my doctor also referred me to the IBD Clinic at Vanderbilt, and the only downside to this is the fact that my appointment is not until June 26!

What I am struggling with right now is not knowing exactly what is normal and not normal with this disease. Maybe how I am now is as good as it gets. The thing is, while my disease is definitely more tolerable than it was when I was first diagnosed, it's still no fun whatsoever. I still have diarrhea on a daily basis (I know, ew, but it is what it is), and sometimes I still can't even sleep through the night because I have to get up and go to the bathroom. I get uncomfortable stomach cramps, and sometimes I have terrible abdominal pain off and on all day. I am tired all the time, and I can't run like I used to. Even just a 2 mile run I did recently had me heading to the bathroom not long afterwards, and that is depressing to me. Running is one of the ways that I relieve stress, but now I am anxious about how my body will respond if I go running, so I haven't run very much.

I have thought in the past, based on what I've read and heard, that if I found the right medication, I would go into remission and not have any symptoms of my UC.  Obviously I'm not there yet. And after having lived with a diagnosis for 6 months while still not being in remission, I am definitely ready to get there. But what if remission in fact isn't a complete removal of symptoms, only a lessening of them?

As I shared with a friend recently, I am weary. Weary of waiting on medicines to work, weary of not feeling like myself, weary of having to always be conscious of where a bathroom is. What I dream of is a week, or even a day, when I can forget that I even have ulcerative colitis. Is that possible? I really, really hope so.

And that's the thing: because of the Lord, I still have hope. I have hope that even though I may never see complete relief in this life, one day I will be with Jesus, and there will be no more disease, no more tears, no more pain. I will bow before my Savior and be with Him forever. Nothing gives me hope like knowing that I will get to leave all of this behind and just soak in His presence.  I am grateful to God for my ulcerative colitis if for no other reason than I long for heaven like I never did before. I also have a deeper appreciation for the empathy that Christ feels for us, and I have seen the body of Christ minister to me in profound ways.

My prayer is that no matter what comes, I would endure it well. Ultimately my hope is in Christ, not in medications or in doctors, and because of the Lord's great love, I am not consumed. For that, I will always be grateful.

About 4-6 weeks ago, Charlotte decided she was through with her easy bedtime routine. Before that, we would feed her dinner, give her a bath, get her into her pjs, and then we would read a few stories, sing a few songs, and end with a prayer. We would put her in her crib, kiss her goodnight, and off to dreamland she'd go, usually by 6:30. It was blessedly easy. Then, all of a sudden, she decided bedtime wasn't so great after all, and she started coming up with what can only be described as stalling techniques. She'd ask for milk, water, a towel (yes, a towel), a doll, hair bows--you name it, she probably asked for it. Then she'd whine and cry for many more minutes before finally giving up and going to sleep.

I'm not sure how it began, but one night I sat with her in her rocking chair after she refused to go to sleep, and she asked me to sing. I couldn't refuse such a request, so sing I did: "Jesus Loves Me," "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands," "My God Is So Big," etc. I enjoyed the extra snuggle time, and she calmed down and went to sleep when I finished. Then she asked again the next night, and I told her I would but only for 5 minutes. It didn't take long for her to start asking to "sit 5 minutes" with me before bed. It didn't put an end to the litany of requests, but it did shorten it, and she usually goes to bed more willingly. I never intended to start singing and rocking as part of our regular routine, but every night after we've finished our books and said our prayers, Charlotte kisses her daddy good night and then turns to me with that infectious smile of hers and asks, "Sit 5 minutes?"

Those 5 minutes have become one of the favorite parts of my day. Maybe that's why sometimes it's more like 10 minutes. :) I confess that initially I was a little annoyed that something else had been added to our bedtime routine, but I quickly realized how precious this time is--this sacred shared time between mother and daughter. During those 5 minutes, I soak in her presence, memorize the feel of her skin, the adorable curve of her nose, the curl of her chubby little toes. And I clung to her a little tighter last night after hearing the heartbreaking news coming out of Oklahoma. Each day is a gift, and I want to savor it. I know one day she'll be too big to sit in my lap. One day she'll tire of my company. One day instead of wanting to hear me sing, she'll want me to just leave her alone. But today is not that day, and so I sang and prayed to God with gratitude for my sweet girl.

One day, I'll be the one saying to her, "Sit 5 minutes?" I hope she will always say yes in reply.

This weekend was my third time to celebrate Mother's Day, and it was a wonderful weekend. We spent Saturday at the zoo, and we couldn't have asked for more perfect weather. It was Charlotte's first time at the zoo, and though we got off to a rocky start due to some monkeys scaring her while we were eating lunch, she ended up having a great time! She especially loved watching the sea lions and polar bears and also liked the elephants and hippo. She also got excited every time we saw a bird or a squirrel, even though we have no shortage of those in our own backyard. :) We purchased a family membership, so I foresee many more zoo trips in our future!

This one's my favorite

Snack time with Pops. Her mouth is full of food, but at least she's smiling!

This was the best family pic we could get.

Sunday we went to my parents' church, and Charlotte ended up coming to the service with us. She did NOT want to get dropped off in the nursery, and they were a little unorganized at first, trying to figure out which classroom she would be in, so we just took her with us. She was wriggly and not the quietest, but overall she did pretty well. Stephen did end up taking her out in the hallway near the end of the service, but she did pretty great for a toddler. After church we tried to take pictures, but Charlotte has a personal objection to posed pictures and often makes it difficult to get a good picture of her. We managed to get a few, and though they didn't turn out perfect, I know when I look at them years later I'll remember her sassy, spunky personality.

Happy girl. I love love love pigtails.

My mom and me. At least we can take a decent picture. :)

I finished off the day with a 2.22 mile run around our neighborhood. It was around dusk, and the temperature had cooled off, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I ran last Mother's Day as well, and I think it's going to be a new tradition.

I hope all of you who are moms had a wonderful Mother's Day, or those who aren't at least were able to celebrate their moms. To those for whom the day is painful, know that I prayed for you as well.

How was your weekend?

GO...

It was my first semester of graduate school, and I was miserable.

Classes were harder than I was expecting, I was still trying to make friends, and the two people I knew when I moved to Knoxville were dating each other. I debated dropping out of grad school on a weekly basis that first semester, and it all came to a head one night in October. I called my mom, barely able to talk because I was crying so hard. I told her all my woes, and she listened with her always-sympathetic ears. After the conversation ended, I went to sleep, not knowing that on the other end of the state she was already making plans.

The next morning, she called to tell me that she was on her way to see me. My sweet mom, who works full time and loves her weekend time, left Memphis at 7:45 am so she could come and see me. She told me it was her only choice--she couldn't NOT be there for me. So she crossed the state in 5 and a half hours and showed up at my front door. Never was there a more welcome sight--the sight of home, of love, of understanding, of compassion, of sympathy, of kindness. When she came, I had all the comfort I needed, all in the form of a hug from my mom.

Though I was 24 years old at the time, I was reminded anew of this truth: you are never too old to need your mom. That day, she gave me just what I needed.

I love you, Mom. I pray that I can be the same kind of mom to Charlotte that you are to me.

STOP

Mom and me on my first Mother's Day, 2011

If you decide to join in, let me know so I can read your post!

I was talking to Stephen Monday night after my ice cream binge about how I feel that I may as well have 50 pounds to lose, so daunted do I feel at the thought of losing only 20 pounds. I have been bouncing around the same weight range for so long that part of me is afraid I will never reach my goal and stay there. He suggested coming up with a reward system to help motivate me, and though he rejected my idea of a trip to SeaWorld as my ultimate reward, I did like his suggestion. :) He also suggested that I set a specific time limit on my goal, and I decided that I would aim for my 32nd birthday, which is October 22. After deciding that, I realized that I only have to lose 4 pounds a month to reach that goal! Even though I have said many times how helpful it is to break weight loss goals into smaller chunks, I wasn't doing that for myself. I've had this 20 pounds in my head for months and have felt so defeated by it, but 4 pounds? 4 pounds I can handle! So I came up with a list of rewards that I will get for each 4 pounds I lose until I reach my goal of 155. (When I came up with this list I hadn't weighed in for this week, so I am using last week as my starting week.)

Yesterday was one of THOSE days. I apparently left my brain at home that morning because I acted like an airhead on more than one occasion, and a bunch of little things at work added up to make one frustrating day. I came home feeling tired and defeated. Then I made dinner, which was poppyseed chicken that I had taken out of the freezer. I was so proud for having a meal stashed away that I could just whip out and put in the oven, but then I ended up cooking it too long, and it tasted dry and unsatisfying. That means that of course after dinner, I wanted something else. So I had a scoop of mint chocolate chip ice cream, and that wasn't satisfying either. Instead of distracting myself with something besides food (like, I don't know, PRAYER), I just finished off the container (there was probably about 2 scoops left in there, so 3 scoops in all). Then I sat there feeling weak and pathetic. I had planned to do a quick 2 mile workout using an oldie but goodie fitness DVD, but after eating all that ice cream, I just felt gross. The thought crossed my mind: "I've already blown it today, so why bother?"

WHY do I think this way? I am sure anyone else who has tried to lose weight has experienced similar moments (please tell me I am not alone in this!). If I don't follow my plan to the letter, then the temptation to abandon it altogether is strong. If I don't have time for a solid 45- or 60-minute workout, then I often skip exercising altogether because I can't do as much as I would like. I tell myself it has to be all or nothing, and when I can't do it all, far too often I choose to do nothing.

Of course, this whole mindset is ridiculous! As I've written before, I wouldn't do this in other areas of my life. If I overslept for work, I wouldn't just miss the whole day. If I failed a test, I certainly wouldn't quit going to class (well, except for that one time in college when I dropped Advanced Spanish Literature, but I digress). I realized last night that the problem is perfectionism. I set these lofty, often impossible expectations for myself, and if I don't think I can perfectly meet them, then I stop trying. Even though I know I know I KNOW I will never be perfect, I still insist on having this perfectionist mentality. The reality, however, is that I am just setting myself up for failure because perfection is not attainable. I will lose that contest every time.

So I'm changing the rules. Instead of trying to be perfect, I am just going to do something. Last night I may have overeaten, but that didn't mean I couldn't redeem the evening by also exercising. So even though it was 8:30, I pulled out that DVD, and I did 25 minutes of "power walking." No, it wasn't an hour. No, it probably didn't even come close to burning the amount of calories needed to make up for that ice cream. But it was better than nothing, and I will take something over nothing any day.

The wonderful thing about each day that we are given is that we don't have to end it in failure. By God's grace, we can find redemption, whether that's in the form of a quick run around the block, or an apology to your spouse or friend, or a much-needed phone call with a loved one.

What about you? Do you struggle with perfectionism, and if so, how do you combat it?

It's a new month, which means newish goals! I have a lot of room for improvement, and I don't want the progress I did make in April to go away, so I am keeping some of my goals from last month and adding in new ones.

First, the old goals:
1. Go to bed by 10:00 p.m. This is a repeat from last month, and while I feel that I am doing well with this, I know if I took it off my official goal list, I wouldn't be nearly as diligent about going to bed at a decent hour. I am going to give myself one night a week to stay up later than this, however.

2. Blog 3 times a week. I'm really doing this for all of you, dear readers. You know you can't get enough! :)

3. Don't eat after 8:30 p.m. I am changing this from 8:00 p.m. to 8:30 because we have been eating dinner later and later recently because Charlotte has decided not to go to sleep as quickly and easily as she once did, and we don't eat until after she goes to bed. I also have been working out at night, and sometimes I want a little snack afterwards.

4. Exercise 3 times a week. I didn't do a good job of this last month, so I am trying again, with the 10 minute minimum still in place.

5. Read Seeking God's Face every day. I need my time with the Lord so badly. I wish this didn't have to be a goal and that I just did this every day with no problems, but the truth is that I struggle with consistency in this area, so on the list it will stay. 

Now, the new goals:
1. Log all of my food every day. I am back to using SparkPeople, and it has been really helpful for me. I wasn't really tracking my food intake at all, and it's scary how much I was eating without even thinking about it. My primary aim is to just track everything--the good, bad, and ugly--so I get back in the habit. It does me no good if I am not completely honest with my tracking, so even I if I have a terribly high caloric day, I am going to try and track every bite. (If you are on Spark, my username is Erin1022. Be my friend!)

2. Stay within 1800 calories a day. My SparkPeople range is actually 1250-1610, but I haven't eaten in a range that low for a LONG time, so I am trying to be realistic for now and will reevaluate next month.

3. Only weigh myself once a week. I have been weighing myself almost daily, but instead of motivating, it's just depressing me, so I am going to limit weigh-ins to Wednesdays.

4. Read one book. Yes, only one. It is embarrassing how little reading I have been doing. I have 2 books that I have started and would really like to finish this month (One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp and Because He Loves Me by Elyse Fitzpatrick), but I will be happy if I finish one of these.

5. Write down 3 things I am thankful for every day. I have been feeling really discouraged lately, and I want to remind myself of how blessed I am and am hoping this practice will help.

I think 5 old goals and 5 new goals is enough, don't you? : )

Do you have any goals for the month? Share them with me!

I'm going to hope that writing ugly truths is less painful if you do it quickly, kind of like ripping off a bandage. Here goes: