I've had a headache since two days before Thanksgiving.  In an effort to get rid of this headache I booked a trip for Heidi and I to Phoenix.  I'm going to the land of sun to see Merilee.  It's just what the doctor ordered!

I feel empty inside.  I know that going to the temple will help me.  I know that reading my scriptures daily will help.  But I feel almost afraid of that.  What if it doesn't help?  What if i put forth more effort and I don't get the overall results I want or am looking for?  Even writing that i know that is ridiculous.

I'm going to start going to the temple once a week.

There, i wrote it.

So i will.

Chris and I got home from visiting Makenzie in Utah.  She's a mess.  I'm a mess just thinking about her.  It's hard enough dealing with all of my feelings and thoughts with Makenzie and helping her through this time in her life but then add on top of that hearing on an almost daily basis how wonderful everyone else's children are doing, those that graduated with Makenzie like Becca, Nate, Anders, Garrett, so on and so forth.  It's painful, more than I can even express.  It makes me not want to be around people.

And I'm tired.

I can't get enough of sleep when it comes.  But oftentimes I lay in bed thinking about Makenzie and what will happen with her.  Will she get her life together?  Will she stop lying to  herself and others?

And then what makes me the saddest?  Having two out of three daughters that don't appreciate what I do for them and treat me with disdain. It hurts, really badly.  I hope so much that it will be better some day.  Talking with Auntie Pat gives me hope that it will.  But will it?  Every individual is so different.

Today is one of those days where you just feel like crying.  You know those days.  It can be over the simplest thing, something dumb even.  But it happens and you feel the tears welling in your eyes and you think, seriously?

For me it's the accumulation of a lot of difficult stuff going on with my eldest plus too much work at the moment that i'm behind in, not realizing my best friend from Germany was flying in on Tuesday instead of Wednesday and then to top it all off, Emma's Irish dance teacher not being very kind.  It's the last thing on the list that tipped me off today.  I was sucking it in pretty well, holding it together, but then the text from her teacher came and I lost it.  Started crying.  I hate that.

What do you do when you feel like life is caving in?

I am looking forward to my class reunion this weekend.  Not necessarily to see everyone.  The people I want to see I see anyway.  But it will be a blast to see all my besties from HS in one place.  I sure love these people and i'm so glad for the roots that I have of growing up in a small coastal town.  No better place.  Seriously.

So here is to Quinn, Tonya, Michelle and Butch and my sister Krista that will make my life a wee bit better this weekend.  I can't wait to see you all!

Life can certainly be a four-letter word. 

It's been awhile since I only had two to get ready for school. Since 2004 to be exact. It definitely feels different without Makenzie here. But the morning went smoothly and the girls are off to school. I'm looking forward to Emma having release time seminary. And I'm excited about the new MAPS program at Mountain View. It should be a good year. 

It's back to liquids for me.  I stepped on the scale this morning after having returned from the "dropping off the daughter at college" tour or in my case, the "eating my way through Utah County" tour, and I have officially gained 8 pounds since my lowest weight last fall.  Not good.  Not good at all.  So I'm going to go back to all liquids for a couple weeks.  Which is hard, that's no lie.  But I did it once before and I'll do it again.  It's all about getting that sugar craving out of my system again.  Ah....why do we have sugar on this planet?  It kills me. I surely love it. Oh, and the diet coke. I need to stop drinking that too.

Wish me luck, peeps.

When I log into Facebook it asks, "What's on your mind?"  I have half a mind to say what's on my mind. But then I don't really want the backlash for that.  So that leads me to this venue.  My Blog.  It's mine and since no one really reads blogs anymore I feel pretty free to say what I want.

Makenzie had her final recital for her students. She has done a great job with them and has learned how to teach and learned a lot about patience in the process. Each one of those students adore her. You can tell. I took pictures with each one because I was thinking that years from now, she will love looking back on her first job and remembering what a great job she did. 

Today we shopped. Emma and Makenzie went to some 2nd hand stores here in Beaverton. Chris, mom, Heidi and I shopped at the outlet mall in Woodburn. It was so fun to reunite at the end of the day and see what everyone had found. I am so happy and proud that my girls appreciate and enjoy shopping 2nd hand. It doesn't have to be new. They are old enough to see how much farther they can stretch their money when shopping at Goodwill or Platos closet. Both Makenzie and Emma found fantastic Vans for $12 each. Emma found adorable and trendy shirts at Goodwill for a few dollars each. Makenzie has been wanting a new purse and found one today at Platos for $18. It's a great purse that new would sell for $50-$60. 

I took last years anniversary present with me to Indian Mary this year. It's a GIANT cast iron skillet with lid. It's heavy and huge. Did I mention its huge? And I love it.  It's so cool. I made breakfast for everyone in it and it turned out perfect. Baby potatoes, sausage, eggs, cheese and spinach. And in our other Dutch ovens we made biscuits. It was a great camping breakfast. 

Chris and I want our own raft. We've wanted one for awhile now. After leaving Indian Mary this year we stopped at the Sotar store. 

On the way up to Seattle today I told Chris that the past three days have been the best so far of my summer. I had taken a couple of days off of work because I thought I would need to drive the girls up to Seattle for Harmony Explosion, a singing camp. But then Makenzie drove them up instead. So that left me with three days with no plans. That just equals Bliss In my book. 

I just got home from Seattle where all three of our girls attended Harmony Explosion. It's essentially an A Capella camp sung in Barbershop harmonies. Makenzie went last year and loved it so much she went back this year as a section leader. Heidi's friend Eliza went as well. Makenzie drove all of them up to Seattle on Wednesday. I was a little nervous about her making such a long drive but I just kept reminding myself how much I drove all over Oregon at this age as an Oregon 4-H Ambassador. Chris and I then drove up there today to attend their end of camp concert. It was fantastic. Amazing. I'm really impressed with this camp and how much they learn.

Our Fourth was so great. Filled with God, Country, family, friends and food. It's not every year you get the whole package but let me tell you, we sure did this year. 

I have so much to blog about. To share. To express. But here's the most recent thing in my heart. I love these women. I love that we've known each other for so long and that we care for and love each other deeply. 

Tomorrow is Makenzie's last day of high school. It's so weird. I seriously can't believe it. Where has the time gone? It feels like she was just sitting there in Mr. Baileys 4th grade class. 

Emma can run. Who knew? We certainly didn't before track started. She's a freshman and made the varsity team. She competed in 4 events this season, long jump, triple jump, 200 meter and 4x100 relay. She had never done any of these events before the track season started and ended up doing really well in all four. We are super proud of how hard she worked.

Last night was the first of several events marking the end or beginning. Depends on how you look at it. The end of Makenzies childhood years. The beginning of the rest of her life.

Is she prepared? I hope so.

Is she ready? I know she thinks so.

And I hope so.

There is this blog I read and when thus writers daughter graduated her blog was filled with all sorts of things she had done for her.
A personalized cookbook with all her favorite recipes.
An over the top awesome graduation party.
A graduation trip to Europe
Adorable thank you gifts for teachers.

And I thought....I'm going to do that.

And I've done NONE of it. And now as I'm in the midst of things I've decided that she must be a superhero with some kind of magical powers. I can barely remember to keep putting money in my children's lunch accounts through the end of the year.

But even though there is no big party or cookbook or thank you gifts I am soooo hoping she knows I care. I hope she knows that this is a big deal. And I love her.

And I will miss her. A lot.

So on we go this week and next with more of our endings/beginnings.

Our oldest is graduating from high school. It's crazy to think I've been a parent for 18 plus years. She is ready for this next chapter in her life and I believe this next ride will be her best yet. She is capable and passionate and a good friend. And although she has had a few really good friends throughout high school her best and closest friends are still out there, waiting to meet.

I spent 4 hours yesterday trying to figure out how to print address labels. Something Makenzie is leaving home with far more knowledge than me in. She would have had them done in about 20 minutes I'm sure. But these labels are for her graduation announcements. And I want to do them. Every stick and every lick as I seal that envelope reminds me of how she has been in my care for such a short time really. I hope we have taught her what she needs.

I'm in Arizona visiting Merilee. It's been a wonderful trip. Today we visited two fun places, the Olive Mill and the Pork Shop. And on the way there I got to see the new Gilbert, AZ temple that is being built. It's a beautiful building.

What is your favorite TV show?   Modern Family

What is your favorite movie?  The Avengers

What is your favorite color?  Purple

What is your favorite food?   "I just like food in general."

What is your favorite thing to do with mom?  Going to feisanna

What is your favorite thing to do with dad?  Snowboard

What is your favorite thing to do with your sisters?  Play Wii, play games

What do you want to be when you grow up?   Something FANTASTIC

Do you have a favorite friend?  Jenna, Nicole, Allie, Kylie, Ashleigh

Do you have a favorite thing to do when you are not at home?  Dance, soccer, running, sports in general

What is your favorite toy or thing?  Books

What is your favorite book?  Divergent by Veronica Roth

What is your favorite animal?  Giraffes and pandas

Do you want to go on a mission?  Yes

Do you want kids?  Probably

What is hard for you?  Decisions

What have you learned from your sunday school and YW leaders this year?  They have a lot of patience for all of our craziness.  About the Plan of Salvation and the Godhead.

What do you love to do?  Make people smile, "smiling's my favorite."



Emma, this past year you have shined. You have become a role model to those around you as they seek you out for your goodness, kindness and warm smile.  The sister missionaries want to spend time with you so they can take you with them to reach out to young girls that need encouragment with coming to church.  That is a testament to you and your bright spirit you have.  You have challenges in your life.  Some that if not cared for can be debilitating to you,  keeping you from progressing in life.  But you don't let it. You work hard and have learned so much about doing what you need to in order to succeed.  Keep at it.  It's a very valuable lesson in life.  You are a hard worker and we appreciate it as parents.  We are proud of how hard you work to achieve your goals.  We love you.

Eye catching dress made by Shauna Shiels for 2011 Oireachtas.  This dress is the center of attention on stage due to the fun, bright colors and 100s of sparkling black and white Swarovski crystals. You literally cannot help noticing this dress. The black velvet is a wonderful contrast to the bright pink and yellow. This dress comes from a smoke free home and includes matching pink bloomers, headband and silver & pink gem number holder.

Full purchase price refundable within 3 days of receipt of dress. Shipping to be paid by buyer in case of return.

The view from where I'm lying in bed. I can hear the birds. They sound as happy as I do.

I'm feeling a bit of relief this year because I don't have to do any parties for my girls. We don't do parties after 12 except for sweet 16. This year my girls turn 19, 15, & 13. I decided the beginning of January that since we weren't doing parties we would get them each a nice gift and also do a dad and daughter date. Emma's birthday is first and I'm feeling like the plan was a pretty good success. Chris and Emma went on their date Saturday night. They went to the library to check out some music books, cookbooks, and music CDs. Then they had dinner at one of Emma's favorite places, Noodles and Company. Then dessert at Moonstruck. Then they went to the movies to see Skyfall. Emma had a smile on her face when she got home and had a great time.

Today was her actual birthday and the tradition in our family is that you get to pick whatever you want for dinner and I'll make it. Emma chose Chinese Chicken. It's like an orange chicken but there's no orange in it. We had steamed rice and salad with it. For dessert it was a DQ midnight truffle cake. The girls and Chris loved it.

In between dinner and dessert she opened presents. She was very surprised with her guitar and very happy.

I think she had a good day. She felt loved and that's what is important.

Her birthday interview will be coming shortly.

Last night while Heidi was laying on the couch in the living room a group of giggling girls came by to heart attack our front door. It was for Heidi who had surgery yesterday. I was in the back so didn't hear anything until the doorbell rang. Of course by the time we got to the door the culprits were gone but what we found was our purple door plastered with various sized paper hearts. Some had messages hand written to Heidi.

She really felt loved by her fellow Beehives!