Heart, Soul and Hope

Can't believe we are close to having Avah home for 5 months! It is very hard to imagine the time we didn't have her but it was only a year ago that I was aching so badly for her. So, how is she doing? Pretty good with some issues of course;)

With our little Miss A, the "A" can stand for "Avah" or "Anxiety". The anxiety and fear that Avah still has really wears on me. It is very hard for me to not feel anger (again) towards the long wait we had for her. It is just not fair. One of the million reasons I am glad we traveled for all of our kids is because we could see how each of them acted in their known, comfortable enviroment with their fostermothers. Avah was no exception. When I first met Avah in Korea, I met a very happy, confident little girl who showed no anxiety at all with meeting new people (us) or being at the center of attention. She showed no fear when her fostermother let me take Avah upstairs at Eastern, no fear when my mom or I tried to hold her. Her fostermom did mention that Avah had started to show recently some anxiety because her fostermother told her that she would be going home to her new family soon but we did not see any of that during our first meeting in Korea. Now, the second meeting was completely different. The fostermom told Avah that she would be leaving that day with us and she let us know how unhappy she was the very second she saw us in a room. Avah would spend the next 1 1/2 hours trying to "convince" her fostermom to take her home:(. The little girl who held my hand and walked upstairs with me the previous day wanted nothing to do with me. Sigh.

So what is her personality now? She is a very happy little girl when she is around people she knows. She goes to bed without a problem and stays in bed and sleeps all night. She loves to brush her teeth and cleaning things up is her favorite hobby! She very rarely throws a fit but she can:) She is passive and sweet and gentle. She will never hit, push or shove anyone. She absolutely loves baby dolls and is beyond precious with them. She will kiss them, sit them down at her little table, brush their "hair", change their diapers, etc.

So, Little Miss A has some anxiety issues that are still present. She is absolutely terrified of any adult coming over to our house because their is a "chance" in her little mind that she may be taken away from me. This applies to my mom and to Ryan still!. I have actually left Avah with my mom and with Ryan (daddy) but, it only backfires later and causes her more anxiety. I am not sure that me leaving and "showing" her that Mommy always comes back is in her best interest so we rarely do it even still. She was doing so much better with this until her major dental surgery caused her to have a huge setback with her anxiety. She also needs eye surgery... sometimes a little girl just can't win:(.

Avah and Ryan had a great relationship going until she had her surgery and then, weeks later, I went out for the evening. Things just have not been the same since. She used to sit with Ryan every night and always let him hold her. It is slowly getting better again. He calls her "huevas" (Spanish for egg) since it sounds like "Avahs" She absolutely giggles and shrieks with happiness when he does this! It is hysterical!! Often times when he comes home or comes downstairs or wherever, Avah announces, "hi Dada!". It is so precious!

Well, I mentioned that Avah has difficulty with trusting adults and she truly hates when I talk to strangers at a store or wherever! I can literally see her crumbling inside as she looses control and the fear takes over her. It can be very hard. But, while she is fearful of adults (not all the time by the way, sometimes she does fine) she THRIVES when she is with children, especially kids that she knows.

I am so very lucky to have Kaden and Kacie (of course) but also for Avah. Kacie was a lifesaver the first morning we had Avah at our hotel in Korea or Avah may have just withered up and drowned in her sorrow and grief. It was at the Seoul airport that we learned that Avah is a huge copycat. She still is! It can be quite hysterical at times. Whatever Kacie is doing, Avah has to do it too. Kacie is unbelievably patient with her too. The most amazing part of having the third child is that there is no sibling rivalry among the Avah with K and K. They are all so patient with each other and fighting is non -existant. (this does not include K vs K though;) At night, I always put Kacie to bed first and Avah tags along. Very often I will find Avah in bed with Kacie, both girls quietly hiding from me and then errupting in giggles when I find them! So cute! Avah just loves her Kacie no doubt. Kaden is typical Kaden when it comes to little kids. He is so patient with her in the evening when he is trying to watch TV and lo and behold, Kacie and Avah are having a giggle fest!!! Love my boy and that he chooses to be patient time and time again!

Most of you know that I watch kids during the week. I have a three year old boy, Jaxon, who is Avah's best friend. She calls him, "Ja Ja" and he is so kind and gentle with her. He is constantly trying to protect her. They play together perfectly. She follows him around everywhere. They always sit by each other at lunch and hug when it is time for Jaxon to leave. These two do not fight!

The other little girl I watch is 2 year old Laney and is Avah's other best friend. Wow, this girl is smart and way beyond two!!! Way back last Feb when I first started watching Laney I would dream of when her and Avah would be together every day and play! Well, things didn't go smoothly at first and just this week it has started to get better. My days are filled with the two little girls always side by side. If we are out running errands they are always holding hands. These two are inseparable, even if one of them is in timeout! They just simply cannot be away from each other! My days are filled with squealing (back and forth) tons of giggles and tons of fights! They have so much fun together that it is hard for me to believe that things could work out so perfectly for Avah. She desparately needs to be around kids because that is how she thrives! Both Laney and Jaxon help out Avah during her speech therapy because if neither J or L is there, Avah won't do anything! She is completely peer motivated and we have had some great speech therapy sessions because of J and L.

Laney has a little brother named, Eli who I also watch. He is a tiny baby still. I was so worried about how Avah would do with me always holding a baby because she does have issues with me holding other kids... I was not prepared for her response. Instead of being angry watching and holding a baby, she wanted to take charge. Her fostermom has had a lot of babies while Avah was there and Avah knows what she is doing! Everytime I would pick up Eli, she would hold out her arms like "I'll take it from here"! She knows how to shake bottles, feed, burp, etc. She is VERY possesive of him and has a very hard time if Laney gets near him! Those were very hard days at first! Now, things are a little better but Avah still thinks she is a baby expert and she probably is:)

Some of you know that Avah came home from Korea as a 2 year old that only had 3 Korean words. She was very delayed in expressive language but way on target for comprehension. As soon as Avah came home, she started saying English words and copying EVERYTHING Kacie would say. Avah is still delayed in her expressive language but has come so very far! She is probably at around 40-50 words that she says on her own. She will copy any word or even phrase. She understood english almost immediately when she came home and she still has very good comprehension. She calls everyone by their name, Momma, Dadda, Cie Cie, Daden/Yaden), Yaney (Laney) , Ja Ja (Jaxon), Ee Yi (eli) and Koda (dog).

We will be traveling soon for Thanksgiving and I am anxious to show Ryan how well Avah travels. Avah has already taken a long trip to Texas and OK this summer and never fussed in the car. Her fostermother told us that she LOVES going in cars and she was right! For Avah, it is NOT the destination she looks forward to but the driving to get there! For, once we get to our destination Little Miss A will become Little Miss Anxiety...and I will have to revisit my frustrated feeling of "why did we have to wait so long to bring her home" .

Overall we are seeing improvements and hoping for healing for Avah. Our little girl was so severely traumatized by her separation with her fostermom that I do wonder if it will always be a part of her. I completely understand her fear and it is justified, it is just so hard to watch and deal with:(

We are so busy as a family lately. K and K are both still doing Tae Kwon Do and are working for their orange belt soon (Dec 3!). Kacie and Avah have started church kid choir and Kacie is absolutely loving it! She has memorized a passage in hopes to try out to get a speaking part! We'll see what happens but she is so motiviated and has it memorized already:) I am so proud of her. K and K are also going to do Upwards Cheerleading and Basektball this January. We are very excited about it. It will be a positive sports experience put on by our church. Can't wait!

So, that's my long, overdue update. Thanks so much for reading it:)