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| Kai's name in Point Cabrillo Lighthouse, Mendocino CA. |
In another life where you and I are together, you'll be 21 months today. I find no consolation in counting these months because in reality, you are not with me. There is nothing comforting about a mother who is without her child. There is only sadness, despair, emptiness and anger.
Today I'm just filled with so much anger, a feeling that hasn't visited me for a long time. I want to punch a wall or break things all day. I feel enraged as my whole being recalls the injustice of your death. Why are you not here? Why do you have to die?
I know it's pointless to ask these questions that really have no answers. And it makes me more angry. I have hopes and dreams for you, dear one, like any other parent in this messed-up world. I've always believe that there is something good to be had, being alive on this earth despite the fact that it's a messed-up world.
You didn't get that chance and thinking about it sometimes filled me with frustration and despair over the unfairness of it all. You deserve to live a long life as much as anyone here, even the undeserving ones. And yet, for some unknown reason, you were given one of shortest sticks in life.
If it's only possible, I would give you the years of my life, my son. I just miss you.
Your mommy forever
