Dear Bod,
After your very public (mis)behavior yesterday at White River, I must address this rift between us. First off, I apologized over a month ago. I said I was sorry, but you just won't get over it.
And I admit it - I may have been a little controlling and I'm sorry if you decided to characterize that as mistreatment. I was just doing what I thought was best for us.
You knew how I was though, so don't try to act like I took you by surprise. And in fact you used to respond - quite positively I might add - to taking a backseat to my desires. Back in March and February this year our relationship was like a fairy tale. You promised me the world. You said everything was possible. And now you just decide to take all that back? How dare you.
Maybe I should have seen the warning signs earlier. You're right, you were trying to tell me something. It wasn't just the humdrum wearing you down, there was more to it. But if something was that wrong, if you felt that starved for attention, you could have been more candid instead of allowing me to continue in my pattern.
But I SAID I was sorry. I've backed off for the past month and given you your space. I haven't brought up our issues or made you do anything you didn't want to do. I've been trying to make things better. I mean how many self-help books can a girl read? The experts say I'm doing everything right.
But you are STILL holding a grudge. What gives? I'm doing all the work here and you just won't give me an inch, you just keep retreating. I don't think you know how painful it is - everything is an uphill battle and it hurts to breathe, and the heaviness you heap on me leaves me feeling that it is impossible to put one foot in front of the other.
Well, if that's the way you want it, then fine! If you won't respond to me when I've changed my ways, then what am I left to deduce but that I may as well go back to my controlling ways. I AM the one who controls YOU dammit! Or maybe, hey, I have a better idea, I'll just start smoking and drinking again, because things between us were a lot better then. Is that what you want? No?
Since I can't get you to cooperate with me, I'll be seeing a professional again this week. Maybe they will have something to offer that can help get us back on the same path. I truly hope we can reconcile. And hopefully sooner, rather than later. We have that trip to Leavenworth in September that we've been looking forward to all year, remember?
Love,
