It all went wrong when I met you!

It is the summer of ’95, weather is hot and humid. Big Poppa’s “One more chance” is the hottest song on the radio and I just purchased a bumble bee yellow pager a couple of weeks back. Sitting in the beauty shop back when I actually trusted a beautician was how I spent a Saturday. Discussing my work, men and the latest gossip going on...”Girl yes, he has decided to get this huge Lion with a crown on his arm!" I said, "It must be a Jamaican thing, I guess.” Sheryl (of Jamaican descent) my weavologist went on sewing in another track, “ouch bitch that hurt!” “Beep…beep...beep” went my pager. Looking down I saw a number I did not recognize, 206-535-XXXX*911. Ummmm....911 who the fuck is that? “Girl can I use your phone?” Ring...ring...ring,”Hello?” the female voice said, “Did some one just page a 911 call?” I stated. “Yes I did, who is this?” The woman snapped. Annoyed, I responded “You paged me, shouldn’t you know who I am?” The woman went on to say she had found my number in her boyfriend’s things and was curious who it was. Quick witted I said, “Sounds like not only are you out of line for snooping, but you obviously have trust issues. Don’t involve me or bother me again”...click. I sat back down in the chair Sheryl could tell I was deep in thought. “Do you want to talk about it?” she said. Did I? Could my man be cheating on me or even worse, could he be cheating on someone else...... with me? “No girl, just some chicken head who got the wrong bitch.” Or did she? The screech of the tires made me look to see he had arrived. I got in the sleek black Benz, “Creep by TLC was playing...how ironic. My man kissed me and mentioned how good I looked. “So let me see it” I said. Rohan lifted the arm of his shirt and pulled down the bandage. It was a Lion with green, yellow and red coloring. The lion was wearing a crown with the initials LC in the middle. “What does the LC stand for?” Rohan smiled and moved in for a kiss, “Letitia Chapman” (my maiden name) I blushed.....”Shut up, really?” He laughs, “Yes baby, it is all about you.....always and forever.” We drove off and I never questioned what had happened that day in the salon.

“Letitia, are you listening to me?” I rolled my eyes, “Yes Rohan, I understand I need to go get the oil changed, wash the car and pick up your dry cleaning!” Man, I am glad he is leaving out of town for a week. I hate when he thinks telling me something over and over is going to make a difference. Does he know me at all? I am liable to not do any of those things just out of spite. The airport was packed, only enough time to swoop in, dump him off, and ride like the wind. I loved his car it was mad status where I lived and me and the crew had plans for flossin that whole week. First stop the car wash. I need to get there while all the ballers, dealers, pimps and hot bitches are present. I love to get the attention...beauty+class+a nice whip=Letitia. I see pulling in lots and lots of haters that day. I pulled up to the entrance of the car wash and got out. The attendant asked what I needed done and I explained a full VIP wash inside and out. I climbed over the seat and grabbed my purse. Just then I noticed something. I moved back in and over to the passengers side between the seat and the middle console. I stuck my fingers down in and attempted to get the object of my curiosity. Just a little more I told myself and I got it. “Ma’am, can I get the keys” I faintly heard, “Ma’am?” Gazing at my precious I sat back in the car, slammed the door and pulled out like a bat out of hell. My head starting racing, LC kept circling my thoughts over and over LC...LC...”Letitia Chapman, yes, baby it is all about you always and forever.” Always and forever....Always and fucking forever! All I could see was red. All I felt was humiliation, stupidity and most of all hurt. Slowing down I pulled over to the side of the road. Looking down at it again, what are you going to do? What should you do? Who should you call first? What are you going to say.....Me? This doesn’t happen to me. This has NEVER happened to me! I am beautiful, educated, fun, you could technically say loyal, cheerful and positive. No kids, no drama and ridiculously ambitious. This independent bitch can be with anyone, WHY ME? I looked into the rear view mirror, wiped the tears from my eyes, fixed my hair and reapplied my lip gloss. Breath in, breath out. Suck it up I told myself. With my Exhibit A in the right hand and my pager to the left I jumped out of the car and headed to the pay phone. I put the coin in and scrolled back a couple days to the following number. I dialed, 206-535-XXXX ring....ring...ring....ring....”Hello?” a man’s voice said.....an all too familiar one. Don’t you dare cry, compose yourself Letitia! Voice switched up, reading off the DRIVER’S LICENSE, I choked out, “Can I speak with Lisa Carter” I asked “Yeah sure” I could hear Rohan put down the receiver and call Lisa to the phone.

Jesus, I am going to meet his mother and family in 10 minutes. Why today of all days? So it is Easter Weekend...big deal. For some crazy reason people feel the need to celebrate…or find the need! “It’s Easter, let’s BBQ and egg hunt and we all need to buy a new outfit”, blah,blah, blabbing blah! Enough of the bitch fest, after all it is only because you are surfing the crimson tide and a white squall is burning something fierce. Someone please kill me now....I just want to die! I swear if a baby doesn’t pop out from these horrible cramps I am going to.......Hi Ms Johnson, it is so nice to meet you. I have heard so much about your cooking and I can’t wait to get a plate. She invited us to head out back where everyone seemed to be. I kindly asked if I could help, but she had advised I was a guest, but next time the dirty dishes will have my name all over them. It seemed to be a huge turn out. I wanted to curl up in a quite place until I passed out from the horrible pain. There were boisterous laughs, old school R&B and chitter-chatter of friends and family. I felt extremely under the weather. Anyone who knows me can testify, if I am sick or tired, back away slowly with caution. I have always hated to be obligated to attend anything. My personal life consists of wanting to be spontaneous and unscheduled. Basically I don’t like to commit because what if something better came up? Not in this instance and not with my luck. So lights, camera and mutha fuckin action. After the usual introductions I asked to use the restroom, not because I had to go, but to gain my composure. As I said before, I was under the weather and in a great deal of pain. (CrAmPs...people...CrAmPs) Hee-hoo-hee-hoo-hee-hoo, inhale and exhale “knock..knock” “yes” I opened the door to see Jerome’s mother gazing at me with a look of concern. I opened the door wider to allow for her to enter in. I began to explain I was not feeling well and in a great deal of pain. Without hesitation she offered me two of her prescription pills and said “this will make you feel better”. Of course I was concerned, but the alternative of the aching pain to be relieved was much more important. I took the glass of water the 2 pills and swallowed them with out any further thought. I felt a bit of comfort as each gulp slithered down my throat. Mostly by her, my mother had passed away when I was 19 and something in the way she cared for me took me back to her memory of always coming to the rescue. “Thank you, I am sorry to be such a mess” “oh child, I am a woman too” As we walked out of the bathroom she had offered for me to lie down and rest for a moment. Once again, I did not object and asked where would be convenient. When the door opened the bed looked so inviting. You could tell this was meant for a goodnight sleep. It was all white with many pillows and when I sat down I sunk continuously. I know she had a featherbed up on this shit. I love those and I immediately kicked off my shoes and climbed in. I don’t even remember closing my eyes. The room was blurry and dark. The light from the hallway beamed in and a shape of an individual was standing thru it. I finally heard my name being called and then I was shaken. It was Jerome, he had said I slept thru the whole thing and it was time to go. I jumped up immediately and in complete embarrassment for having slept through the entire party, put on my shoes, and was praying that everyone was gone. Jerome’s mother was outside the door and smiling. I took a sigh of relief because I could see in her eyes she was going to be forgiving. “I am so sorry! It was very rude of me” she advised it was really not a big deal and I was welcome back anytime. “Thank you again, I really appreciated it”, I hugged her and walked on. Jerome and I left and were walking to the car, while he went over all of the highlights of the night. I was still groggy and out of it. He held me close and kissed me on my forehead. It was very comforting. On the ride home Jerome insisted I spend the night. He was very concerned with me being home alone and intoxicated with his mother’s secret pills which he called “the cocktail”. The way he said it made me laugh hysterically. When we got to the house I went and began to unwind in the bedroom. Jerome came in and mentioned his boys were coming by and I should call my friends to come thru. Both of are groups had hung out before, playing cards and BBQ’s and even had taken a road trip. It sounded like fun and I thought I was feeling better. I put a call in to the crew no one seemed to answer so I just left messages with my idea and told them to just come by. As I hung up the last call I laid down on the bed. I thought I would get a Cat nap in before everyone showed up. It didn't seem long there after that I could hear voices in the other room. I was so tired and didn’t want to get up. “Hey babe are you ok...do you need anything”? I told him I would like to sleep a little longer and please apologize to everyone for me. I rolled over and went back to sleep. For a moment I thought I was dreaming. “Ha, ha, ha” I woke up hearing. I didn’t pay much attention and tried to fall back to sleep, but there it was again “ha, ha, ha” and closer. I opened my eyes to pitch black. I laid there for a second questioning whether or not I was dreaming or awake. “Man those pills were good stuff” Just then, I heard a “ha, ha, ha”. I know if anyone had seen my face it would have been like a dog does when it turns its head to the side and gives that questioned look. Once again the discussion played out in my head. I had to be crazy. All the lights were off you could see into the living room filled with darkness, no one was there. I could feel the weight of Jerome next to me so it couldn’t be him. I just laid there still with questions in my head of, “what did I take...am I going to be ok...how long until this wear’s off”? I closed my eyes and lay in my swirling head of questions. There it was again! I flicked the light switch and the lights went on, I remember thinking, “why couldn’t I have just been high and crazy”? I stared across the room to see another woman sitting on top of Jerome...Cowgirl. The woman was straddling him and he was laying flat with his eyes closed. The woman screamed and asked, “Who are you?” I of course responded, “No, who the fuck are you?” she stated she was his girlfriend. I yelled back “Surprise...me too, how did you not see me lying here”? Shaneequa(not really her name, but go just go with it) asked, “Have you been in here the whole time?” I responded “no shit Sherlock...what, you think I just crawled in here and climbed into bed!” The conversation was going nowhere and fast. Of course we continued on, conducting ourselves like the classy and mature ladies that we were, screaming at the top of our lungs, beating our chests trying to convince the other who was the real King Kong, Jerome lay on the bed with his eyes closed as if he were asleep...mummified....catatonic.... not once moving or breathing, but one thing was for sure, I bet he wished he was dead.

You won’t believe I just had the shortest session of playtime in history! They say I am Hot and Sexy (I am not making it up)....I know, but it is no excuse for this man to selfishly wrap it up in an untimely manner. Call me crazy, but isn’t it just plain common courtesy to make sure we both enjoy the experience? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, and breath...”Do you mind if I use your bathroom?” “No, not at all” he said. I grabbed my booty bag and headed in. That’s right; take it all in Mister, because you will never get to see ALL of this, wait....cover that part, AGAIN. Your seat on the express train to va-jay jay town has been cancelled! Usually when I am in a man’s bathroom I don’t do the look in the medicine cabinet, or check under the sink…I am more concerned that there is toilet paper available and no piss dribbles are on the toilet seat. Remind me to tell you about that story. I began pumping the soap dispenser and looking at my appearance in the mirror, God, it is hard work keeping this all together, scotch tape, super glue and even a can of spray paint. That reminds me I need to stop and get a cupcake. Red Velvet with Cream Cheese frosting. Wait...STOP! Just then I happened to look down at the faucet handle and gently gazed over to the prescription bottle sitting literally right next to the sink. Seriously, it was. Quickly I looked away; after all it was not my business to be looking at that. It is personal, complete invasion of personal privacy, and I don’t get down like that. “Look at me” I heard. What...who said that, “Look at me” again I heard the whisper. Stop it! Am I talking to myself...REALLY, has it come to this? “Look at me” no I said, I am not interested....”Y-E-S you are”...... okay, I am! “Letitia it is wrong, how would you feel if someone invaded your bill of health space?” Well personally, I wouldn’t leave out anything to out that would need to be discovered, secret squirrel is my code name.

Time out: If you were me, what would you do?.................................................I thought so and picked up the bottle to read.

Rx 7898765 Dated 11/2/08 (1 day before our playtime)

Doe, John
10 Second Lane Apt 69
Omaha, Nebraska 67112

Take one tablet by mouth 30 minutes before session

VIAGRA 100MG TAB QUALITEST
QTY 10
Smith, John MD
May refill 1x by 11/02/09

Yep, I was thinking the same thing....why would he have stepped up to home plate, and struck out, if he had VIAGRA? It is suppose to last four hours, I know right! What do I do now? This is awkward. This is wrong....so wrong. I am going to hell, well we all knew I was going to hell, but now I have sealed the deal! Spit in my hand and shook the Devil’s. What if he is outside the door wondering if I saw it. What if he asks me? What do I say? Should I say something or just pretend that I am still going to answer his calls going forward. You 86’d him anyways, why are talking to yourself about this....bitch you are crazy! After all who really cares if he needs to take Viagra? I am open- minded and non judgmental, hell maybe all 30ish men might need it. Ha! HEY....WHY DID HE NOT TAKE IT WITH ME? Knock, knock, “Letitia” fumbling the bottle hoping not to drop it, my body going in a different direction with only my skin keeping it all together and trying not to make a sound “hold on, I will be out in a second” putting it back and adjusting it so he will not be able to tell I saw it. I finish up and head out of the bathroom. John begins to say “I thought I was going to have to send in the paramedics.” “Ha-ha...no I just had a blow out, I wouldn’t go in there for about 35-45 minutes.” I began laughing all the while noticing he is reading one of the Twilight Saga books. I said “oh are you into Twilight too?” John said,” yeah, Team Edward (figures...Bastard!) the girls at work told me to at least try it. I am at the part where the three Vampires came up on the Cullen’s playing ball. You know James, Laurent and Alice.” “No it is Viagra...I mean VICTORIA!” John looked at me and said what did you say? Ooooohhhh Jesus, Look I didn’t mean to notice, but I saw the bottle of pills sitting next to the sink. “GET OUT!”, “Wait, what?” “GET OUT!” “John let’s talk about this. It’s really not a big deal.” “GET YOUR SHIT AND GET THE FUCK OUT! John immediately headed toward the door and opened it. I wasn’t sure if he was kidding or so I grabbed my shit (Gucci of course). I quickly moved out the door and began to say, “I am so sor”....SLAM!

So I love cities by the sea. There is good seafood, coffee, and men. I was with Montreal today and headed to his house for the first time. That is right... the first time. Usually we just come to my place or go out somewhere so I actually thought, whoa he might be thinking seriously about me. We took the ferry over and it was romantic and refreshing. It gave me too much time to think about what his place was going to be like. I never have high expectations for anyone’s place because let’s be honest, being an Interior Design hobbyist, no one’s place is good enough. I shouldn’t be so hard on him, he did take good care of himself and his car was always sharp. So I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Yeah right...It probably has a Black leather sectional, a Black lacquer and Gold trimmed entertainment center with a panther picture hanging, incense burning (weed smoker... like that really cloaks the odor) oh and some African figurines’.... don’t play games we all have seen it in a some guys living room! Really though I was thinking, hmmm he must have finally thought I wasn’t a stalker or he just got the rest of his ex’s shit out of the house so it is safe to bring me through. Either way my curiosity was killing me...suspense...suspense...suspense! We pulled into the neighborhood which was a bit boring, we were definitely in a “White” neighborhood, but I liked the fact that there were not a lot of cars on the street or bad ass kids running, playing, or riding around like the little demons they are. (Come on I like kids...don't be like that, it is a telling) like don’t you hate when they have rock wars with your neighbors landscaping, that your neighbor went overboard on in the first place, and now these little fucking rocks are all over the middle of the road. Crunch...Crunch...I hate it! Anyways....FOCUS... we finally pulled up to the driveway. His home was not as exciting as I thought it would be. Big surprise! Don’t get me wrong it was a nice starter... ok appetizer of a home. Very modest and needed some work. Montreal had said, “You should come with me to pick out plants and flowers to do the yard. I know you love anything to do with Home and Garden”. I just laughed and smiled sweetly, but really I was thinking let’s get inside to evaluate whether we need to sell, buy or redo something. Deep breath...and we're back. I walked into a split level, up or down is your choice. He went down so I followed. It opened up to a Great room with a Big Screen T.V, Sectional (Black leather...I told ya!) and a laundry room. We continued to the upstairs where immediately you are drawn to the left where a large floral arrangement hung on the wall. (huh?) As you reached the top of the stairs there was a sofa and matching chair with a coffee table that had a centerpiece that matched the large floral arrangement. At this point I was starting to hear the “Gay-dar” humming. I turned to Montreal and said, “Did you decorate this place yourself?” he turned to me and laughed, “No, my Mother did.” I exhaled. I looked down the hall and started moving. Montreal began to move ahead of me kind of like a road block. I looked at him and before I could say anything he said, “You don’t want to go down there. My room is a mess and there is nothing in the other bedrooms.” RED FLAG...the sirens went off..... “Oh well, we are not doing anything so I can help you clean it” I pushed through like a woman on a mission. The room was very large with a king size bed. The comforter was Blue with a matching bed skirt. Numerous pillows were on the floor, too many if you ask me. Was there a sale at Anna's linens...Jesus get some self control! Montreal was right, clothes everywhere...like the room threw up! Let’s take a time out......You’re Montreal...you decide to bring over the girl you’re dating...wouldn’t you think to pick up your room? The room had two large closets, one to the left and one to the right. I began picking up stuff and asking where to put it. The timid and quiet Montreal would just take it from me and open the closet on the right. I would pick up something else and it would go to the right closet. After a few more times of pretending to be robots I said, “What the fuck is in the left closet, you never put anything in there?” Montreal had a look come over his face like he had just seen a ghost. RED FLAG...the sirens went off..... I asked him if he was ok, he mumbled yes, and went on to say nothing was in there, the right closet is so big there was no need to use it. BULLSHIT...I gave him the look of .....is that right, I slid back the right side closet door and it was so packed I didn’t understand why he kept putting stuff in there. Is someone a pack rat....oh hell to the no, I can’t be with someone who is a pack rat! I continued to pick up his room and placing items in the closet. Finally I decided I was going to start putting stuff in to the left closet. Of course I didn’t ask because that is how I do it. The element of surprise always spices up a relationship. I picked up a pair of pants and grabbed a hanger. I folded the pants over the hanger rod and opened the left closet door. As I peered in, laughter began to consume me. Son of a biscuit eating bulldog, this fool has really pulled a stunt, but I was actually not as shocked as I should have been. I turned to look at Montreal he was composed standing straight with no expression, just at attention. Remember in Harry Potter when the Basilisk
would look at you in the eyes, you go into the catatonic state...imagine that with a splash of shock. I looked into the closet again and reached in to pull out what looked to be a fake hair extension, I believe it was a synthetic drawstring ponytail, attached to a pant hanger......SERIOUSLY? I then pushed back the door and found a wardrobe of Women’s clothing, shoes and handbags. Montreal moved to the opposite side of me and now had an expression of terror. I looked at him with the expression of laughter, anger, mistrust and wonder. Let’s be honest I was ready to fire first and then ask questions....lucky for him I had to hear this explanation. I could feel my temperature rising at this point. I am sure if looks could kill I would have burnt his ass up all the while roasting a marshmallow. “Montreal” I said, “whose stuff is this?” For a second there was silence. I said again, “hey” snapping my fingers and clapping at him, “whose stuff is this!” Then this little mouse said, “Mine” wait for it.....I burst into delirious, hysterical laughter. Cackling like Cruella Deville. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Tears were coming to my eyes and I felt as though my lungs were going to burst. Montreal began laughing too and now we both were busting up hysterically. I began thinking, get the fuck out of here....does he really think I am an amateur or I am that stupid, this is not my first rodeo....This stuff is NOT his...I mean REALLY! Just as he began to loosen up and felt comfortable thinking this atrocious lie had worked...please. I straightened up my composure and with a serious roar of a Lion or a Pit-bull Mother protecting her pup...I barked, snarled and drooled “PUT SOMETHING ON THEN!”