Baby Wait

I haven't ovulated since December 26th. How crappy is that.

I thought I would post about what helps me in this ttc nightmare. Here goes.

1.First and foremost, saving for our baby. I religiously put 10% of my income (just me, not hubby's)into a savings account every single week. It may seem like a small, obvious thing, but for me- someone who likes to take control- It means that although I can't do anything to MAKE myself be pregnant,what I CAN do is save money now to help pay for all the delicious baby stuff we will buy one day. It gives me hope, and excitement, to see my baby fund grow. I'm already 1/3 of the way to my goal amount, and that makes me feel really,really good. at this rate,I'll be able to afford whatever the hell crib I want. with Cizash.

2. Enjoying lazy mornings, curling up closer to my husband, not having to get up for any particular reason. I try to imagine a time when this won't be such a regular occurance, but of course, I also tend to imagine our baby as the most accommidating infant in the world. One that will go back to sleep with us after their breakfast like our dog does. I know it's not reasonable, so shoot me. It's MY fantasy baby!

3. Stocking up knowlege on being the most awesome parent ever. also under this catagory is knowlege of all the little natural remedies to teething, baby massage, organic baby food, baby wearing, etc, etc. I am trying to use this time to become a wise old soul. Knowlege is power, after all, right?

4. Researching, Re-Researching and google-ing ever single baby making thing I ever feel the need to. The internet has been my refuge.Noteworthy:Fertility Friend forums and soulcyster.com, although you have to be very discerning with advice from random desperate women just like yourself. Babymakin makes ya crazy! And everyone is an expert. :)

That's pretty much it. Number one has helped my psyche the most, I think.

Isn't that the truth.

I have been on 1000mg of Metformin for about 12 days now..I think I'm going to increase it to 1500 today. A little bit nervous about the perpetual nausea I had when I upped it to 1000.
I should have stock in Target- I have spent 150.00 there in the last two days! Since we are running out of friends that don't have kids, I bought some toys for them to play with when they come over. I also bought some yummy organix conditioner that I'm anxious to try, some Ben&Jerry's Gobfather icecream, and a new white eyelet bikini.
I have been putting off buying a new bathing suit for months, thinking (hoping) that I might be preggo soon and not need a cute bikini, but since that clearly isn't happening, and I have a trip to San Diego coming up at the end of May (read:to see my Cousin's new baby that she got pregnant with when we both started ttc last July/August.We were trying to get pregnant together. She got pregnant in two months. I didn't. She called every month for about 5 months to see if I was pregnant yet. It was painful. Although, I'm not sure if her giving up and not calling anymore is worse?)
I have had two fertile patches of EWCM this month, and I have given up taking my temperature every morning- it just gave me a horrible feeling that I would rather not start my day with every freaking morning. After two effed up cycles with no ovulation, I'd rather hurl my thermometer across the room than stick it under my tongue at 6am every day. I tend to get obsessive, and I think my hubmeister is tired of comforting me that early in the morning as I sniffle about my temperature not doing what I want it to.
He is truly an amazing man.
Last night as we waited for our dinner at Sauce, he turned to me and said, "Do you see that girl by the door? (the hostess) When I walked in I thought, she's a pretty cute girl. and then I turned to you, and I realized she doesn't even come close to comparing to you. She suddenly wasn't even that pretty at all."
I love him. and for the record, that girl was smoking hot.

please work, metformin. I want to have his baby.

I have been spotting/bleeding for two and a half weeks and I am so over it.
IT JUST WON'T GO AWAY.
I get that I probably have pcos. I get that I didn't ovulate the past two cycles. I get that before that I had cycles for at least 34 days. I get that. What I don't get is why my body has to punish me with this never ending cycle of bleeding when it's already not willing to give me a baby out of all this.
I've been taking 500 mg of metformin for a week now- upping it to 1000 mg tomarrow. kind of nervous. I had some really intense gas pains from it last week- so intense that they broke my concentration while talking to a friend at dinner over the weekend. Good thing these pains are not accompaned by actual gas. that would be awkward.
I'm planning a bridal shower for my brother's fiance for this weekend. It's given me a welcome distraction from
this fertility stuff, so I'm greatful for that.
Is it wrong for me o be secretly terrified that they will get pregnant before me? I'm almost five years older than both she and my bro, and we're in a much better position to have a baby-which, if you read a couple posts back...means they probably will first.
That is kind of evil of me.
when did I become so evil?
This post has alot of short sentances. hmmm.
I feel so empty sometimes. I have so much to be thankful for, so why is it that this one thing, this one, tiny, potentially dangerous and painful and scary and life altering thing, has me forgetting why I am so stinking lucky at this point of my life?
We are happy. (other than this.) blessed. (other than this.) healthy. (other than this.) content. (other than this.) balanced, positive, joyful, and crazy together.
why do I have to say the "other than this part" to myself?
Maybe its because this is one thing I have known in my heart of hearts that I have to do. I have to be a mother.
Everything I have done in my life has brought me to this pivital moment of truth- and now that I can't fulfill this one thing, this HUGE thing, none of the other stuff can console me. it was all for this.

We have a room in our house that smells like new wood and paint.
Back when we thought getting pregnant would be as easy as deciding which month is best for toting around 25 extra pounds and subracting nine months, we excitedly started planning our baby's digs. We're big on planning and executing.
Hubby said in a quiet voice as we were drifting off to sleep, "It's going to be the best nursery ever. I'll make sure of it."
The wanes cote is up. The plantation shutters installed. The espresso pottery barnish wood floors are down. Crown molding, chair rail, french closet doors waiting for custom closet organizers. all ready.
The door is closed, and we tell people its our guest room in waiting. It's not.
It's a baby room in waiting.
waiting. waiting. waiting.

So I think this will be my main blog from now on. I have had a few that I was more regular in updating, and after about 6 months of rebelling against the blogging impulse, I think it is the best interest of both my friends and dear husband that I have an outlet for my pain and angst of not being freakin pregnant already.
I thought it would be easy. After that, I thought it would be in the next 5 months. How many stats say that women age 20-24 have an average time to conception of 5 months?
Then I became irregular. After 4 years of being on birth control I figuered maybe, JUST MAYBE I was one of those women who take a long time to regulate after bc. but it got worse.

Everyone around me happily gestates as I curl up in the fetal position as each period bares her ugly little face. Aunt Flo, as we web savvies call it. More like Aunt Ho.
We are READY. ready, ready ready already! Why is it that as we carefully map out our plans, take our time, and finally (responsiblly) start trying to make a family, people far less deserving of yet another child to add to their clan overpopulate like rabbits? Is there a rule that you're not allowed a child if you plan for it?
I am happy for my friends and their very fertile little families. I just wish they could have a chance to be happy for us.