Baby Wait

Today, I will take my last dose of clomid for the month.

Surprisingly, the only side effect I've had is hot flashes, which as Chili so aptly described them-they are more amusing than irritating. I've woken up around 3:00 am every day I've taken it with a ridiculous urge to rip my clothes off and throw the covers off myself, even though it's freezing outside and our heater isn't even on full time yet. It's a strange sensation, these hot flashes: I feel like I'm burning and prickly all over for about 2 minutes. I had it happen a couple of times during the day,too-once at Officemax, and the other time in my living room when I frantically ordered my husband to put our fire out. He thought it was pretty funny, since I had previously been normal and sane and enjoying our cozy evening by the fire.

All in all, I would have to say my experience with Metformin was a million times worse. Seriously. And I was afraid to give clomid a shot because of the horror stories I've heard! Hot flashes in the middle of the night are nothing compared to having the runs four times a day. (yeah. It happened. So what if it's tmi.) At least I'll be prepared for menopause.

I am not feeling particularly hopeful that clomid is going to be our magic pill. I HOPE it is, and I know it's done the trick for so many lovely TTCers...but it is so hard for me to envision getting past this point and bringing home a live, squirmy little offspring for us to love for the rest of our lives. The past 15 months have brought no satisfaction and no gain. Knowing that I'm putting my ovaries into overdrive and pumping out loads more estrogen with clomid isn't even enough for me to think it will work.

Hubster is going out of town next week. I'm supposed to O anywhere from Friday to Tuesday...Hopefully it's sooner than later, since he's leaving tuesday.

Thank you all for all of your lovely encouraging words! They mean so much to me. I'm hoping we'll all be done with this phase of our lives soon... It's getting pretty old.

In about two hours, I will take my first little white pill.
I am very scared. scared of mood swings, hot flashes, twins...

It not working...

I just learned that if we ever decide to get health insurance independantly, say, if my husband lost his job, or quit to be self employed- we would likely be denied coverage due to filling my clomid perscription. Apparantly, IF treatments throw up a red flag to health insurance companies and they won't have anything to do with us.

Nice. So us being extremely healthy,young,having never smoked, done drugs, or abused alcohol would mean nothing to them. Just that I'm a little fertility challanged and may need a boost to fulfill our lifelong dream of having children.

At any rate, I didn't know this until I filled the perscription. I don't know that it would have stopped me, but it makes me really mad that this may come back to haunt me. Especially if it doesn't WORK.

I hope that it works. I hope, hope, hope.

And I hope we don't get twins! Although, the idea IS kind of growing on me, I must admit. ;)

After feeling somewhat relieved and accepting of the fact that I probably have progesterone issues, my RE called to tell me that my progesterone serum was 20. They consider anything over 10, preferably over 15, normal and adequate.

So, it's not the progesterone. What about the spotting I had for three days after O, I asked?

He said it may have been O spotting, or it may have been a sign of endo. He seems to be a big endo diagnoses fan.

I'll know next week about all the other wonderful tests I took.

As if obsessively taking my temperature, timing intercourse, proppin up my hips, poppin herbs and omega supplements and prenatals daily, saying farewell to my beloved Starbucks, turning down alcoholic drinks at friend's houses, not lifting my friend's kids after 7 DPO, being afraid of DTD in my luteal phase if I see spotting, and other various TTC OCD tendencies aren't enough...

We have become even more proactive in gettin this baby show on the road.

I went in to my RE's office today for a 8DPO P4- 7 DPO fell on a Sunday, so I hope 8DPO is fair enough- and after filling up on more of my blood, the tech tells me she wants me back in a week for a pregnancy test if AF hasn't come, or a baseline ultrasound if it has.

I know that I am certainly not pregnant, so it will be the ultrasound. And then the CLOMID!

Bring it on, I am ready for it. Nothing can be worse than metformin as far as side effects so. That crap was ruthless. I am getting excited about trying it, after a year of resistance and going the natural route. I know that it's the limit for us as far as our medical attempts to conceive will be. I am not ready for IUIs, or IVF, or I anything except I-ntercourse.

I hope it works. I won't even think about if it doesn't, since my mind won't let me. It has to work. I have a uterus, healthy ovaries, great sperm, and open tubes. THIS HAS TO WORK.

Play along with me.

I hope my progesterone test comes back normal. Hopefully it will give me a window into what we're dealing with.

In unrelated news, has anyone seen "I am Legend"? We saw it on Friday, and all I can say is WHOA. I think it's the saddest movie I have ever seen. It really resonated with me, as I was still thinking about it for two days later. It was very good, very scary, and very sad.

If you need a release and want to cry about something else rather then your current TTC efforts, I highly recommend it.

After a lovely, 15 day ovulation despite halving my metformin dosage, perfect BD timing and a lovely temp spike, I experienced the one thing that can throw me into my dark place this time of my cycle.

You guessed it. The S word.

First, it was 1 DPO, and in the morning I had red spotting. Frantic googling assured me that it was probably just Ovulatory Spotting, nothing to worry about. I cautiously believed Dr. Google. then, for the next three days I had pink spotting in the morning. NOT GOOD. My temperature is rising perfectly, but this luteal phase spotting crap is making me think I have LPD and no chance of conceiving this cycle.

ALL I WANT IS A FREAKING CHANCE! Can't I have a little hope in my two week wait? Just a shred of hope that I am normal, and capable of building up a decent lining to nourish an embryo already.

I had a minor breakdown last night. This is no way to exist- Month after month, hoping, worrying, and then crashing deep into depression and self loathing.

Now that I have been trying to get pregnant for a year, I am experiencing what many of you have written of- People that are very pregnant, about to deliver, that got pregnant after I had been trying for months. Remember my friend that told me she was pregnant, and hoped that we could be pregnant together? Yeah. She's due in two weeks. Another friend is due in a month and a half. And Crazy Mother In Law to my Little Bro is due in five months- I know, it's a ways off, but I can't help but think she'll have her baby before I have even entered the ring.

They suffocate me. All Bellies, all smiles. All hopes and nursery planning and contented faces.

This morning, I got a glucose fasting, LH and FSH blood test taken. Hopefully the glucose test will give me some insight into whether or not I have PCOS and need to continue metformin.

I ordered a book from Amazon called, "The Infertility Cure". It is a very interesting look into Eastern Medicine for Reproductive health. There is a questioniare you fill out, checking off symptoms you experience, and it tells you what area of your body you are deficiant in. I was kind of amazed when my "cold feet at night", "low energy after a meal" and the nature of my PMS cramps led me right to Spleen and Kidney defficiancy, and then I flipped to Luteal Phase Defect and it said women suffering from this usually have Spleen and Kidney defficiancy! Wow.
It's not completely against Western Medicine, and it actually said that women with my particular profile tend to respond favorably to Clomid. So, I guess that's my next option. I still want to try some of the herbs it recommended, since that is much more up my alley.

That's all for now. I'm trying to be proactive and busy, instead of hopeless. Monday I will get my progesterone level tested.

I really hope I have seen the last of pink toilet paper. Get thick, lining! Do your freaking job and stop being such a party pooper.

After I made the appointment with the RE last week, I decided to call the other Doctor that my OBGYN referred me to-just to see if they possibly could get me in before March.
And they could! In fact, I had my appointment today.
I think I like him- I was put off at first at the idea of having a male doctor gettin to know my girly parts, but I decided to give him a shot. I haven't had the most compassionate or helpful of Women Doctors, after all. And even if they DO have a vagina- it's not MY vagina, so why give them favor over a male that might be more inclined to help me?
After the initial 30 minutes of filling me in on how conception occurs, including a riveting explanation of hormone production and which hormone supports which end of the cycle, (am I the only one that has a hard time not being a know it all and saying, "yeah, yeah- I know all this. Get to the part that I am NOT the expert on"?)
He told me a couple of interesting things.
One. He doubts very highly that I have PCOS. He is planning on proving to me that I don't, and is disappointed that my doctor threw Met at me with not so much as a FSH and LH blood test. Ironically, he was a professor to my GYN, and taught her "everything she knows"- which isn't much, since he went on to tell me OB GYNs only spend two months learning about reproductive health.
Wow.
Two. He told us that 80% of women that don't have children by the age of 30 will develop endometriosis. He insists that all women's uteruses push menstruel blood back up their fallopian tubes, and for reasons they don't understand, some women have a hard time conceiving because of it. The "cure?" usually pregnancy- a "break" from menstruation for at least nine months to clear out the endometriosis. Many women go on to have many children with no problem after this "break".
He thinks my first line of defense should be clomid. I never thought about this, only concerning myself with the chance of twins being the product of muliple eggs being ovulated: Two eggs means more estrogen of course- but also twice the progesterone! Hmmm. With the random LP spotting I sometimes have, this might be a good call.
Overall, I felt good after our conversation.
Then, he led me to another room and asked me kindly to drop my pants.
I was not prepared for the south of the border exam! what the hell? He wanted to do an ultrasound to see if my ovaries looked polycystic, if there was any visible endometriosis, and if my lining looked healthy.
No polycysts. My uterus is still tilted. Lining is nice and thick, and there was a nice big cyst on my right ovary- He thought I either just ovulated or am very close to it.
I didn't understand how he couldn't tell which one it was- I knew I hadn't yet, that I'm still two days away- but shouldn't he be able to tell that sort of thing? It kinda worried me. What if we missed our shot this month and he was right? My temp was very low this morning, and its only the 3rd day of EW for me. I have another two comin to me, buddy!
After the mildly painful magic wand exam,he sent me off with a prescription for a glucose fasting blood test and a p4 7dpo.
I am full of hope, as usual this time of my cycle. I am going to continue my 750mg of metformin until I know for sure it's not to thank for my regular ovulation, and we're going to get plenty of gettin down into our schedule this weekend.

Hopefully that is all I need to do to get knocked up this time.