Baby Wait

My baby girl is going to be three months old next Thursday.
She is amazing. I know that I'm being redundant, but it's true.
She looks at me while she is nursing, and smiles at me with so much love and innocence. Milk spills from the corner of her mouth and she makes the most adorable noises.
Her cries sound like she's talking now- like she wants so badly to communicate, not just wail anymore. She coos, and sighs exasperatedly. She holds her head up, albeit shakily, and stares lovingly at lights and fans.
She makes the cutest turtle face when something catches her eye. She sucks sloppily on her hand. She breaths faster when she's impatient to eat, and smells like love and milk.
Oh, the smell. So intoxicating. Is it wrong to be addicted to your baby?

She sleeps with abandon, arms spread wide. She grunts and pulls her legs up to fart in the morning. Farting really cramps her style. She sleeps late and wakes up with a milk breath smile, tongue peeking through her lips.

Life.
It's good.
I'm trying so hard to capture it all. But it's too much!

She is almost 14 lbs now. She is sleeping 4-5 hour stretches at night, but she only wants to go to bed after 10:30, sometimes 11! This doesn't leave much QT with the hubs. Suggestions? She has hit every milestone right on the nose-but some, like supporting her weight on her legs and grabbing her toys, she's exceled at. She just started scooting by pushing her feet, and she is a tummy time pro.

Thats all for one handed updates':)
Did I mention how much I LOVE the way her breath smells?

I have wanted to write a post for SO LONG...but how do you describe the wonderment of all of this?
This will be a quick one-typing with one hand with a baby on your arm isn't the easiest thing.
1. my baby is a chunker...she's about 11 lbs now! She turned 7 weeks old today. This is bittersweet for me. I love how interactive she's becoming, but I mourn the squishy newborn that is quickly fading.
2. We are getting more sleep these days. little miss Sunshine is sleeping a good 4-5 hours starting at 11 each night. She is also sleeping more during the day.
3. We have fewer angry-tired babywant to nurse all night-restless crying bouts now. I can't remember the last time it happened. Sometimes if she hasn't slept much during the day, she has a hard time going to sleep. K has resorted on a few occasions to taking her for a drive. This usually does the trick.
4. We are enjoying coos and baby gurgles. She smiles alot, but rarely in response to ours.
5. She still loves to nurse. Some days, every hour.

Last but not least, the LOVE. Oh my God, The love. It is such a whole souled, magical amazing love that I feel for her. It gets bigger and brighter every day. She blows my mind. Motherhood is all that I thought it would be and more. I am so thankful every single day that She is ours forever, and that I finally got here.

I can't believe this is my life. I know why it hurt so bad, trying to conceive. The thought of all this never happening is just too much to bear.

Is this really my life? How did I get so lucky?

My apologies for being MIA.
I have a baby now..I know. I can hardly believe it myself. And that baby is about to be (gasp) ONE MONTH OLD. On Thursday.
The first couple of weeks were hard, I'm not going to lie. I was sore. My boobs were sore.My baby eats constantly, and in those first two weeks, it was more like every hour than every two. I was delirious and desperate for three hours of sleep in a row. Sleep deprivation makes me emotional, and at night, my sweet little muffin became a different, inconsolable baby at times.
This made me dread nighttime.
I shouldn't say inconsolable. She could easily be consoled by being glued to my boob all night long- but that was her only consolation. Did I mention I was sleep deprived and emotional already? I didn't know if I would ever be able to take a shower again.

At around two weeks old, the cloud lifted a bit. I have never stopped feeling the awe, love and amazement over my baby, and I don't think I was having postpartum depression, but I was definitely overwhelmed over being needed so much while still healing. Around her two week birthday (hehe) I didn't feel like I had just gone through childbirth. I could sit down on hard surfaces again. I could walk around without feeling pressure and pain in my perineum.Oh, and I got three hours of sleep in a row.

Things are going so much better now. Yesterday I ventured into the big wide world with just me and my baby- we went to her doctor's appointment, where we learned that my boobies and her great, insatiable appetite have caused another 1.5 lb weight gain in 11 days for my precious pooper, which brings her total weight to 9.7 pounds! Holy crap, my baby is growing up! We went to starbucks. To a baby boutique. To a bagel shop, and a h.allmark store for more thank you cards. I felt human again, just me and my long awaited baby.
It was wonderful.
Right now, I am looking at her beautiful face, and as I do every time I see her: am wondering how on earth I got so lucky. She is amazing. She is healthy, thriving. A genius in my opinion. I am already mourning the day she doesn't arch her back and curl up her legs when I pick her up from a nap.
Oh my God, I love her.
I love that I am the one she needs when she wants to go to sleep. I love that she feels so at home in my arms, the way I feel so at home with her there.
She is mine. I am her's. It is amazing. I just want to freeze time, with all the chaos and laundry and wanting to cry from not sleeping... I don't want to miss a second of this wonderful time.
So I'm sorry that I'm not around much. I feel like a horrible blogger, hardly having time to read your wonderful blogs and comment like I'd love to. I am so happy for so many of you, so excited for the rest of you to go through this as well. If you haven't, you will. And it will be just as mind blowing.

My precious baby gained a whole pound in one week.
And she gained that pound strictly on a breast milk diet.
MY breast milk!!
And last night, I got TWO three hour stretches of sleep. Two!


life is grand.

I just changed a peanut buttery, runny squash consistency poopy diaper.
My little love bug is safe and snug in my sling as I type this, her newborn blue eyes gazing at me with more alertness than usual. I swear she is trying to memorize my face the same way I am hers.
Rumble,Rumble.

More squishy poopy goodness. Back to the changing table.
And I don't even care.

Thursday morning at 6AM, I awoke with a couple of more painful contractions than I had previously experienced. They weren't regular, but they were enough to make me think that this might be The Day. I went back to sleep.
At about 7:30, I noticed that I was having more regular contractions- they were about 5-6 minutes apart, so I told K I was going to time them, but that if they were regular for an hour, my doctor would probably have me go to the hospital.We were very calm, knowing that labor could last hours or even days, so he rolled over, planning not to go to work that day. I was feeling contractions mainly in my back, so he would press on my back every time I felt one coming on.
Hubby went downstairs and watched some TV while I ate some cereal. The contractions were regular but manageable: I made the bed, packed a few more things in my hospital bag, and timed contractions.
At 8:30, I told K that I was going to call my doctor and that we would probably be leaving in 10 minutes- he decided to take a shower. I called my doctor, and they told me to go to labor and delivery, it sounded like labor. Oh yes, and my bloody show had been increasing in quantity for the past few days, I forgot to add that part. Moving on.
K was in the shower for twenty minutes and I started to get irritated. I was in labor, after all! What in the world is taking you so long??!! He got out, packed up our stuff in the car, and we were off. We taped a little of us in the car, hoping today was really labor day and not a false alarm.
Scene: Triage at the hospital. I am two centimeters, and not happy with this news. Am told to walk around the hospital for an hour and see if I progress.
We walk. Each contraction is getting worse, I am having to bend down and hold onto the rails in the hallway while K presses on my back. Ugh. I am definitely going to be one of those back laborers. I have contractions the whole time-3.5 minutes to 7 minutes apart. I pee three times in this hour.
We go back to triage, hoping for progress. I cannot imagine days going on in this much pain every five minutes.I am checked.

No progress. They call my doctor, who says I can stay and be induced if I wish. I don't wish. I plan on no epidural, and I don't want induced (harder) labor that could stress my baby out for no reason. "How long can this go on?" I ask. "your a first time mom. You'll probably take a while.Could be days."
Nice.
We go home. Pain is getting worse. I get in the shower, and let the hot water run on my back to ease the pain. It does. K stays in the bathroom with me, and I take a bath for a little while. Baths always bore me, so I decide to get out and try to take a nap between contractions. Yeah, right. I know. But I was so tired from not sleeping well for the past few nights that I was desperate.
We get into bed. K presses on my back. He falls asleep as we lay there for about an hour. I have a particularly bad contraction and feel a little pop.
"what was that?" I say to no one in particular. K obviously couldn't hear/feel what that was, but I knew it was significant. "what was what?" K asked.
I felt a little gush. " I think my water just broke!" K looks for me. A bigger gush. He smiles a little bit..."yep."
Holy crap my water just broke! I was a little frantic, even though I always wanted my water to break. It makes everything so much easier- you know you're in labor. It also didn't trickle out...it gushed. Since I didn't have any pads in the house (thinking I wasn't part of the ten percent of women whose water breaks,) I grabbed a towel from my bathroom and stuffed it in my pants.
On our (second) exciting drive to the hospital, one hour after being sent home, mind you, my contractions were getting stronger and harder to manage. I do remember at the end of one offering my husband the apple in my purse if he wanted it. ha.
I got wheeled into triage in a wheel chair when I got there. ("poor thing," said the administration girls when they saw me back again.) I was 3 centimeters dilated.
From then on, time kind of got a little hazy. Before I knew it, I was in my room, meeting my nurse, getting an IV...and I begin to think I was dying.
truly dying. My back labor was so intense, I would move from the labor ball, to the bathroom, to the floor, to the shower...all the while vaguely hearing the nurses saying how good I was doing. K was an awesome coach: kissing me and telling me I was doing a great job and that our baby would be here soon. He pressed on my back, rubbed it, let me push up against him and pull on his arms. Suddenly I felt like I had to go to the bathroom, and a nurse came with me. I remember telling K to stay out there (in case I had to really go to the bathroom-I actually kept a little of my "dignity" and feminine mystique, haha) I sat on the toilet and nothing happened. I thought I was going to throw up. I was shaking. I kept saying "I am going to die." I told the nurse I thought I was in transition.
"I really don't think you're in transition," she said. I had been there maybe two hours, and had only been 3 cm when they checked me.
"in that case," I said, " I need the epidural." I didn't know how long I could take it. I didn't want the epidural originally, but if I still had hours left of back labor, I was going to need it. My contractions were coming fast and hard, one on top of the other, not even one minute apart.
Of course, they couldn't find the anesthesiologist for a half hour once I begged for it. I kept yelling to them that I needed it now. I had to sign the paperwork to get it (no idea how I did that) and K said my eyes would roll back in my head between contractions. I went to another place, and no one could get through to me. I couldn't expend any energy answering the questions they kept asking me, ("how much do you weigh, how tall are you" seriously? I am in LABOR. Can't you read my chart?)
I don't know how they got the epi in me. I didn't have a break between contractions, so I don't know how they kept me still. I don't even remember if it hurt, but I do remember a sensation of cold running through me.
It took 15 minutes to take effect. I asked if I could take a nap when it started working. Sure, they said. Let's check your progress.
I was 9 centimeters dilated. I had already gone through transition. They said I would have my baby in an hour or so.
3 to 9 In 2.5 hours.
Yeah.
No nap for me!
No one could believe "how well" I was doing for a "first time mom" who just went from 3 to 9 in no time. It didn't feel like I was doing so well, but I appreciated the support.
I still felt every contraction, and some were hard enough that I had to really work through. Since I was progressing so well, even with the epi, my doctor wanted to see how far down I could labor the baby without pushing. I was at +4, and the nurses almost thought they would have to deliver the baby without the doctor. I did a few practice pushes. So surreal. For the next two hours, I chatted with the nurses, called a few friends and family, and received ice chips and love from my hubby. The lights were low, my nurses were great; I focused on the soft light over the bassinet station, thinking about my baby lying there in just a short time.
When I felt pressure in my lady regions, They called the doctor. The baby was crowning.
Pushing with the epidural turned out to be confusing and a blessing. I felt contractions enough to work with them, I wasn't afraid to push, but I couldn't really feel to push. Apparently, I ain't a bad pusher....my little sunshine was born after 20 minutes of pushing.
Oh, the emotions. The crying, done by all three of us. The pain, the years imagining, the miscarriage, the nights wondering if it would ever happen...all coming to fruition with a beautiful cry from a healthy baby.
With my nose.
Everything. Was. Worth it. And I feel like super women for giving birth to her.

We spent one night in the hospital, not sleeping...checking on her to see if she was real and if she was still breathing. I had to get one stitch from an episiotomy, and yes, the 'roids were fun too. My tail bone was extremely sore from my back labor. And I was sleep deprived.
But it is amazing how fast the body heals and how someone so little that you just laid eyes on can be so worth it.

As soon as I can, I promise to post my birth story. I know, its been five days, and I hate it when people put the birth post on the back burner.



There is just too much sweetness to gaze upon, too little sleep to be had, too much soreness. And can we talk about how many feedings there are to do?



But I will tell you. That this is the most amazing time in my life...Emotions run high over in our little home. Truly. Amazing.

And she smells unbelievable.

7 lbs, 6 oz
Thursday, 09-25-08
The most beautiful girl in the world.
The most intense, traumatic, wonderful, amazing experience of my life....

S.oleil. We love you. our little ray of Sunshine.


birth story and pictures to come...I'm typing with one hand and football cradle nursing with the other...who is this person?

So. Pregnancy updates!
Yep, still pregnant. Four days until my due date. Yesterday, my doctor examined me and found me to be a "loose 1cm) and still about 80-85 % effaced. She says she thinks I will definitely go into labor this week- she stripped my membranes and told me to walk, walk, walk. I've been losing my show at a rapid pace- I cannot believe how much mucus keeps coming out of my body! I had some pretty serious contractions yesterday, none that serious today, and WE ARE READY. come on baby!
I really hope she comes this week. All these contractions are getting our hopes up. but then they go away and leave us frustrated!!
I wouldn't be in a rush to get her here if if weren't for all these crazy false alarms.
I have another appointment on Thursday to check the amniotic fluid. I hope I don't have amniotic fluid by then, wouldn't that be nice?

What the hell...Where did the time go?
Can anyone believe I am almost as pregnant as you can get?

Yesterday in Tar.get, I joked to Hub that we should buy a pregnancy test just for the reaction of the cashier. Ha.

I woke up every hour last night, either with backache, getting up to pee, or getting up to drink more water so I could pee some more. And trust me, "gettin up" is no easy feat anymore. It is serious business, especially at 2, 3, 4 am when your muscles can't take the belly weight as well.
At my weekly appointment Tuesday, my doctor told me that I was about the same as I was last week-but she doesn't understand how I'm walking with this baby between my legs. She's at 0 station, only being held in by my barely-dilated-uterus. She told me to walk for an hour a day to get things moving. That night, I had the strongest contraction I've had yet- whoa. Amazing how good it feels when its over! Unfortunately, it was only one of two that were about two hours apart. So yeah. No labor yet!

My cousin and I walked the mall for an hour yesterday. Hub and I walked the block last night. It's hard to believe that walking is going to do anything.

For some reason, I don't feel like it's going to be close. I'm not sure why- denial, maybe? I'm due next week and can't even picture going into labor. I really hope that I don't go over due and need an induction. I want to labor at home as long as possible. On the subject of labor, is any one else put off by perennial massage? I just can't commit to it, and it isn't very comfortable. If it really is going to make a difference, I might give it another shot.

I've been dreaming about our little one. Just the thought of seeing her little face, her being materialized finally from all of our dreams- it is just too much for my little heart to take. It is just too good to be true! I can't believe how close we are.

10 more days. 10 more days. 10 more days.

I had my third and final baby shower this past Friday...we are so fortunate to have so much support and love for our little one.
Nearly everything on our registry was purchased- and after taking some duplicates back, we got more credit ($70!!) to finish buying a few things we still "needed"; changing pad cover, an extra crib sheet, organic baby towels and washcloths, diaper cream, and an adorable stuffed lamb that we fell in love with.

It feels so good to be "ready". At least materially.
We have a couple more baby classes this week, and our car seat is in our car. I plan on taking it by the fire station to have them check it out for me.
Everything is washed. Everything is ready. I look at the ticker on my blog and can't believe it says only 19 more days.

I don't feel like I thought I would at the end of pregnancy. Sure, my back aches at night, I'm up all night peeing, and my feet have started swelling at nighttime- but where is all this discomfort and need for pregnancy to be "over with already?"

I still love it. Waddle and all.

I had a doc appointment yesterday- 80 % effaced, baby still engaged, 1 cm dilated.
The wait continues...

75% effaced.
One "fingertip" dilated.
Baby girl is very low and engaged.
Doctor says I will most likely have a fast labor, not too much pushing, and that everything looks perfect for where I am in my pregnancy.
We also saw our little sweet pea again...she's getting chubbier! She was blowing bubbles and sticking her bottom lip out- and yes, she is definitely all girl. ;)

I'm having more pelvic pressure, backache, and shooting pains in the girly regions...I'm waddling a bit by nighttime.
My doctor goes out of town next week...I hope my little squirmer stays put until after that! Im feeling the nesting urge more and more every day, trying to get everything taken care of so I don't have to think about anything for the next couple of weeks. Next on the agenda-more cleaning, stocking up on food and other necessities.

I don't know how I'll ever be truly ready!

My second baby shower was yesterday.
I was so nervous about there being a.)two many people. b.)not enough people. c.)having to open presents and be the center of attention.
But guess what?
It was perfect! It felt more like a party with all my favorite women (besides my family-I'm having a family shower next week.) 90 people were there, and I got 50 things off my registry! My house still looks pretty crazy with bags and tissue paper, and piles of baby shwag. I was EXHAUSTED (like Jennifer said I would be,) especially since I hadn''t slept well in two days due to family being in town+getting up to eat twice a night. Nevertheless, I felt the need to stay up until midnight sorting and going through delicious baby goodness.
This morning, I woke up at seven to wash and organize our baby's blankets, burp cloths, and tiny clothes. Alot of people did buy us clothing, but it was mostly jammies and onsies. Not too many frilly pink dresses! I was pleasantly surprised. We got four handmade blankets, one embroidered with her name. All beautiful. Hubster made me cry by having a present and a poem there for me to open from him...a lovely bracelet from poppa and a nightlight.
It was lovely.
truly such a special day filled with love! I was humbled by all the support we have in welcoming our little girl. One of my friends that hosted the shower had everyone fill out notes "about Mommy and Daddy", and so many of them were filled with such love for us. We are not worthy!!!

I just want to stay in the nursery forever now.
I keep opening the closet, in awe that these clothes and shoes and hats and toys are all for our baby.

I can't believe it. Even as I sat (ehem:for three hours,) opening presents, I felt like I could jinx it all by believing our baby was really coming, just by my accepting the baby shower in the first place. Is she really going to be born? Is it really this easy for our dream of having a baby girl to come true?
28 days to go.
We'll find out then.
I lost part of my mucus plug today. Gross but exciting! My braxton hicks cause me more pause lately. They make my heart beat faster-literally- and my lower back aches with almost every one.
We seriously need to get a move on all our last minute "to-do"s.
My biggest to do right now is to get a good night's sleep. I need it so badly and it just doesn't look like its going to happen. I go to bed soooo tired only to lay there for a few minutes and start thinking about lord-knows-what enough to wake myself up.
On a completely unrelated topic, let me give a shoutout to my new reason to go to Starb.ucks. The banana chocolate Vivano. I haven't had a reason to go for the last 8.5 months- DH has specific orders on what to bring me the day after the baby is born, I miss it so much. But now! they have a preggo friendly drink with 21 grams of baby building protein, 5 grams of hemorrhoid fighting fiber, and 271 calories!
Nice. And it doesn't taste so bad,either.

Well. It's 12:06 am. I'm going to try that sleep thing again.

My little wombmate moves constantly.
Seriously. All.The.Time. I myself am a fidgeter, so I think she takes after me. I'm trying to stay positive and imagine all those movements mean she's super smart and strong, not hyperactive and out of control! ;)
Although she is so active, she has yet to hurt me at all. Her movements are gentle, mostly stretching and nudges. Every once in a while she'll go, maybe 30 minutes, without any noticable activity- So,to the eye rolling of Hubster, I lay down to do a kick count.

She always does 10 in less than five minutes. She's supposed to do at least ten in- 2 hours. Ha.

I am so proud of her!

Saturday is one of my baby showers...the biggest one. I remember when my friends were discussing the date and it seemed so far away. I wasn't convinced I'd make it that far. Yet, here I am. Almost 36 weeks pregnant. About to attend my very own baby shower! FOR ME!!
It's all too crazy.
Someone should pinch me.

We had our breastfeeding class last night. Not a total waste of time, which I was afraid of. One of the interesting factoids I picked up was that breast milk tastes like amniotic fluid. Isn't that sweet? It tastes like home to our babies.
We are beautifully made.
I have my hospital bag almost packed...there are just alot of things I use all the time that will have to be thrown in there at the last minute. This unsettles me. I like to be ready.
Don't you wish there was a way to predict when and where you were going to go into labor? Like, will it be early? late? in the middle of the night, or the middle of Target? Will it be fast or slow.
The suspense is killing me! Maybe thats why we have such strong nesting urges- cleaning and packing and organizing we can CONTROL.

I don't know if what I have been doing/feeling lately could be described as "nesting", per se: but I definitely have an undeniable urge to CLEAN everything and have everything ready before our wee one gets here.
This is a VERY strong urge.
One that makes me lay awake at night, hoping we are as prepared as possible.
We got our carpets cleaned yesterday- you know, so that I don't have to be scared to let my baby crawl on them in six months or so.
Heaven. Clean carpets give me peace.
I bought a second hand glider on Wednesday. It had crappy cushions that were both ugly and uncomfortable. I pulled the nasty foam out of the seat, stuffed it with poly fill, and am going to have a friend of mine sew cushy, soft cream colored terry cloth over it, and also make me a pillow for the back cushion out of fabric I found. I put it together, unsewn, to see what it would look like....perfection! I am so excited for it to be finished. total financial damage? $38 for the glider, $25 for the fabric and poly fill.
Awesome.

I have started packing my hospital bag. I bought a nursing bra and tank. Organic baby bottom balm from Earth Mama Angel Baby. An outfit for baby to come home in.
Can anyone believe I'm about to be 35 weeks pregnant??? It's unreal. Every day I pass my 20 week ultrasound pics and can't believe that the little person in them is inside me.
Even with this big belly and constant baby leg stretches and hiccups...I can't wrap my brain around my unbelievable good fortune in carrying this amazing baby that is almost here.
Sigh.
Truly amazing.
I have a baby shower next week- at 36 weeks. And another the next week. I know I'm supposed to start feeling ansy for my pregnancy to be over with at this point ((so I hear,) but I really am not there yet. I can't wait to meet my little stinky butt baby- but I am enjoying every minute of this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to carry her inside me.
And the weeks go by so fast! Where do they go?
If I went past 40 weeks, I would be getting ansy, I'm sure. But only because the worrywort inside me would be afraid of aging placenta and stillbirth and induction.
As long as she's safe and snug, I am perfectly content waiting for her arrival.

I have been feeling so many emotions lately.
All of them good. I am so excited, so grateful to have made it this far. I can't believe I am 33 weeks pregnant with a baby girl. Could life get any sweeter?
I am amazed at every movement she makes inside me. I am so proud of every shake and stretch.
There have been no worries or scares for weeks-I feel content and happy, confident that she is doing as well as she can be.

Pregnancy seems to agree with me. I love my pregnant body, am so proud of my baby bump. I haven't gotten any stretch marks (yet). No heartburn, my rings still fit, no nose changing or face morphing, varicose veins, acne, or cellulite yet, either. My main pregnancy complaints at this point are backache after walking or standing too long, that horrible pain when you have to pee, and peeing every hour. Once in a while the baby pushes her head onto my bladder or tailbone area and gives me a sharp pain. Still not a big deal.
Something strange and new that has happened a couple of times- a clicking, popping noise coming from my uterus. So weird! I consulted doctor Google, and it seems a lot of women have experienced this strange phenomenon, but no one knows what it's caused by! Any thoughts?

We are getting more ready every day. My thoughts wander more and more towards birth as that inevitable day draws near. But even more of my thoughts wander towards the reality of this little girl and what she looks like. What she smells like, is like.

I can't believe that she is in there...my little baby that I have dreamed about is alive and we get to meet her in a matter of weeks!
Life is so good.

pic removed

Or maybe even LESS! ( hopefully not too much less...but one can hope for a 38-9 weeker, right?)
I can't believe how close we are.

My little wriggle worm is so very active lately. She moves constantly, every hour. And I am getting SO BIG!!
And tired. Oh, the fatigue. Sometimes I feel like a zombie, and only a nap will make me feel human again.
It doesn't help that I'm baking in 105 degree weather and am not exactly sleeping soundly. I literally took a nap at 9am the other day after getting up at 8! For an hour!!! What in the world is going on with my body?

What I have been thinking about lately:

1. hemmor.oids. I have developed a nice little case of these little buggers, and while the condition seems copeable at the moment, I am DEATHLY afraid of the-ehem situation worsening during birth. Does anyone know how I can lessen the shock to my poor hiney?

2. BIRTH. People. I am about to actually give birth, and I'd be lying if I wasn't a bit nervous about it all. The problem with birth is that it is so unique for every women and you can hardly plan for it. The unknown terrifies me. I've been devouring every book I have about labor and delivery, hoping it will prepare me for whatever I may face.

3. PPD. depression runs in my family, and I am afraid of being overwhelmingly sad during the time of my life I have waited for for too long. I don't want to be bothered by depression when I want to be falling in love with our little love muffin. I have also had a few disturbing reoccurring thoughts about harm coming to my belly lately-not self inflicted, but that something will happen to my belly because of my carelessness. I think this is a manifestation of my mind being obsessed with protecting my little belly-buddy for the past 7+ months, and now its on sensory overload with all the things that could go wrong.
These thoughts disturb me and remind me of PPD and thoughts women have of horrible things happening to their babies.

I really hope they go away, because I have been very content with the safety of my baby lately, and I'm ready to have a worry-free pregnancy for the time remaining.

4. I can't wait to have good old not-pregnant s.ex with Hubster. Things just aren't the same with a rambunctious belly buddy gettin in the middle of things.

5. I'm getting a case of tender nips again, a la in early pregnancy. Still not much to report on in the growth department of the girls- what's up with that?

6. I am a little apprehensive about how our lives are about to change forever. I am so excited, and ready, and willing... I just hope the road ahead isn't bumpier than I imagine.

We are so in love with you, little one. It's all too good to be true.

Hubster's office had a baby shower for us yesterday.

We got a boppy bouncer, baby monitor, baby jammy yumminess and some cute clothes, too- it was so sweet of them. I couldn't believe we were having a shower...are we really having a baby?

What I thought were braxton hicks turned out to be half braxton hicks, half of the time...and the baby's butt the other half. ha. When I went in last week for my doctor's appointment, I inquired about them, and she asked me to describe what I was experiencing. "well," I said, "I'm having one now." she felt my belly and announced, "that's the baby's butt."
funny and relieving.
Apparently there isn't much covering the baby's bony parts at this point, so when she balls up, it feels like a contraction. Especially since she is also simultaneously pressing on my back a bit, giving me some discomfort.
Still pretty cute. Now when she does it, I give her a little spank. ;)
I'm starting my "every two week" appointments now...exciting!! I cannot believe how fast this is all going. I'm just about 31 weeks right now...nine or less to go!!! WTH!!!

Let's just resonate with that for a second.

Okay.

I'm still taking iron, but trying to take half my dosage plus more spinach and iron rich foods. two iron tabs a day pretty much take away the BM I have grown accustomed to daily. It's not much, but its nice to count on clearing your bowels at least once a day to make room for more food! And room is one thing we are short on in there lately.
Sleeping is getting better- or maybe I am just getting used to interrupted sleep? I'm sleeping with a B.oppy pregnancy pillow behind my back on the right side, so if I roll over I'm still a bit inclined. Also a pillow under my bump and between my knees.
Still getting up twice to pee each night and drinking more water each time.
Still drinking a gallon of water a day, and peeing every hour.

But I feel pretty great still! Fatigue hits me every so often, but yesterday I went to bed at midnight after having NO nap all day. Big improvement!
Hubby still says I don't look pregnant from behind (but why should I, right? I'm pregnant in the front, not my ass!), and all my prepreggo underwear still fits. I'm using them as a gauge for ass-poundige. Of course, I still have days that I think my legs are fat, or maybe my face is getting fat- but I think those are just girlish insecurities and not based on fact. Pregnancy adds cushion. So let's just go with it and leave our self esteem issues at the door!

Besides, it is so worth it.
I can't wait to meet my little wriggle worm.

In about a month I have another baby shower...and then a family baby shower. I am so excited, but also so overwhelmed! I hate being the center of attention, yet I've dreamed of having a baby shower of my own for years. It's so awkward opening presents and trying to seem excited over them all equally.
And we're acquiring a ridiculous amount of pink in our house.
A friend gave me two bags of baby clothes to sift through, Our moms are already buying stuff, and then we had the shower yesterday.
It is so much fun to wash her clothes in baby detergent and arrange them in her room. It makes it seem more real that she's coming to us. And soon.
I am feeling more confident that she is safe and sound. IF makes us so aware of the horror stories, but we need to remember how many success and NORMAL stories there are. I am healthy. My baby is healthy. She moves all day, every day.
She's going to be her, people. I just know it.

I have been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions.

Silly me, I thought they had to be painful to be contractions???? au contrair. Or however you spell that, I ain't french. No, no- they can just be tightening sensations across your belly, too.
Sometimes I have a lump on one side of my stomach. A hard lump that goes away after a bit.

I do not like these things.

I find myself timing them to make sure I don't have too many in a row. I drink a gallon of water a day, try not to get overly stressed out about anything, and don't overexert myself; WHY does my ute insist on practicing so much?

I'll ask my doctor this week. at my ALMOST 30 WEEK APPOINTMENT...holy crap! 30 weeks? That's the home stretch, ladies!

My friend who is two weeks behind in her pregnancy came over last night- we have the same doctor. She told me all kinds of edge-of-your-seat details about birth. She is the 3rd person to tell me that birthing the placenta was worse than the birth. WTH?! That is just not right. And it seems that many doctors like to push that sucker out of you, which hurts your stomach muscles if you haven't had an epi. Which, maybe naively, I am planning on refusing if I can help it. But the thought of someone pushing on my tired, sore abdominal muscles after I pushed out a human with them doesn't sound very fun...

Birth is such a crazy thing for me to picture. I'd like to think that IF and the pain of a MC would prepare me for the ultimate task of birthing my baby, but I don't think they will. I just hope I am stronger than I think I am.

I will do anything for this tiny person. Anything. Last night as she was kicking the bed while I laid on my side, I put my hand there and- felt a tiny foot. I felt like I was holding my baby's foot. Priceless. Pregnancy is so magical and amazingly natural. Sure, some aspects are a challenge-like getting out of bed at 3am to pee when your so tired and you have no idea where the strength to lift you and your big belly out of bed is gonna come from-but I wouldn't change it for anything. I love it. LOVE. it.

Thank you all for your lovely words on our nursery...we are in love with that, too. Passing it every day gives my heart a little surge of love and excitement for what is soon to come. Two and a half more months. Just two and a half more months.

I hope that my anomonity will still be preserved...but you all have been so loving and supportive that I feel like letting you in just a little.
So, a picture with my face in it! More importantly...a picture with our beautiful nursery in it.

But not forever. :)

(pics removed)

Hubby promised me two years ago that it would be the "best nursery ever."

I think he made good on that promise.

The lazy man's way of blogging-lists!

1. We have only two more classes in our five week series of childbirth classes. Last night...we saw the much anticipated childbirth video. Riveting.

2. I went to the dentist today. He said I had a tiny cavity that can wait until the baby is born to be filled. He gave me a syringe of fluoride to coat it with once a day to strengthen the enamel. Phew!!!

3. Our nursery is pretty much completed. I love it, it's beautiful, and I just might post a pic of it in the next few days.

4. I have gained 15 lbs now.

We are so excited to be in the third trimester!!! If baby girl were born now, she would have a 95% chance of survival. Isn't that amazing?

Or...10 weeks till I'm full term.

Yikes.

I love being pregnant. I love waking up with my tummy buddy, feeling her kick the pillow I'm leaning on. I love walking around Tar.get, feeling her little curled up lump of a tiny body settling into the side of my belly. I love feeling her change positions, hiccup, and lazily stretch into her little home.

But I am not so fond of peeing all night, peeing all day, waking up hot and thirsty even after drinking a gallon of water a day, a newfound sciatica pain, not being able to lay on my stomach for Hub to give me a much needed massage, or the constant need to think about everything I put into my mouth.
Just so this blog is kept open and honest- I have to list some of the annoyances, however slight, that pregnancy has brought me. Constipation. Fatigue. Achey back and joints. Sleepless nights. A bit of a waddle.

But. I do love being pregnant.

Pregnancy has also brought me a whole lot of love. I even love my belly bump. This may be because I only have gotten a bump and not a bigger ass, nose, or feet. I hope this continues. I am, however, seriously bummed that my lady lumps have not gotten even big enough to require a different bra. I may fill out my old cups a little better, but nothing to brag about. Dammit.

As I enter my third and final trimester, I'm overwhelmed by feelings. This is really happening. How can we prepare for this? Will my love affair with Hubs change completely, or intensify? Will being a Mom be all I have built it up to be, even with the challenges I'm sure will come? Will I be the Mom I want to be? Am I strong enough to give birth?

I hope everything will be as beautiful and fulfilling as I imagine it to be. I hope she is healthy.

I hope she is our reality.

For some reason, the past few days have been a little sad for me.

Nothing is wrong with the babe.. but I have so much love and excitement for her, that sometimes I get so scared to believe she is going to be a reality and not just my dream.

These fears are unfounded. She is healthy. I am healthy. She moves more each day, and responds more to the outside world now. I am getting bigger. Sleeping is getting harder.

And yet I worry.

We painted the nursery, bought the furniture, and set it up.

It scared the poop out of me. (actually, it doesn't- I wish it did- my doc prescribed iron for me since my bloodwork came back borderline low on iron, and I haven't been so regular) What am I going to do if some horrible tragedy happens? That lovely lilac room with it's lovely dark stained furniture that is so full of hope will be the saddest room in the world.
I try to tell myself, that if something happened to our sweet pea at 26.5 weeks, a room full of baby delight isn't going to make it worse for us- our little hearts have already fallen so in love with her that I don't think anything will make us sadder.

I know she has at least some chance for survival at this point if she were born. What scares me is still birth horror stories. I need to stay away from blogs that reference it, because I think that's what made me so sad the past few days. It only happens in 1 in 150 births, I keep telling myself.
That's well under a 1% chance of it being our nightmare.

I am also scared to go to the dentist while I'm pregnant- I think there is a chance I have a cavity-it doesn't hurt, but reeealy cold food irritates it. I am afraid of anesthesia while I'm pregnant, but I am also afraid of getting an infection that could lead to preterm labor!! What to do? I guess I'll make an appointment and see how bad the damage is. If my baby were harmed because of a stupid cavity I would never forgive myself.
Do you SEE what goes on in this head of mine? I'm going crazy, I tell you. I do love being pregnant, but the fear is such a buzzkill.

I hate IF. It really puts a damper on things, doesn't it?

LISALOU just had her little Ruby baby!!!!


This is big news. Many of us have followed her journey to this moment. Go give her some love!!

We just got back from our "visiting the family/babymoon to Southern California.
We spent our time eating amazing food, relaxing, shopping, and seeing the sights.
I got the WORST COLD EVER from my nieces, and....

WE BOUGHT OUR BABY'S STROLLER!

It is beautiful.
It is also so scary buying something so substantial. Why does the fear still hover? Why, at almost 25 weeks pregnant, should I even think twice about buying a stroller? Our baby is healthy, my pregnancy is normal, she moves all the time...and I still make hubby assure me constantly that she's okay. That she will be here with us soon.
Crazy.

Since we bought our beautiful, black and grey Chameleon Bugaboo...

I decided, what the heck, let's get a carseat. I really wanted the Peg Perego Prima Viaggio:


BUT it's $250.00. Kind of alot when they can only use it about it year or so. While I was at Ba.by's R U.S today, I noticed one without the box priced for...$124.00. WTH?! That's only 20 more bucks than the Gra.co snug.ride! When I inquired as to why it was priced so low, I was told that a women returned it after receiving two, that the store didn't carry the seat at that location but they tried to sell it for full price anyway, and that a week ago they just decided to mark it down half price just to get rid of it.
So I bought it.
For 50% off! Even though it was, again, scary as hell buying such a presumptuous, "yes, we're bringing home a baby" item, it was also exhilarating deal of the century, so it kind of made up for it.
So now we have a stroller and a carseat. We ordered the crib bedding...it hasn't come yet, but when it does, we're painting the nursery accordingly.
Things are moving along. Our Birth classes start next week.

I'm really pregnant. This is really happening.
I pray it keeps happening....

...Even with this belly, I can't believe I'm pregnant.
I seem to have grown it over night! Every day it's a little bigger.

This has been my dream for quite some time, and it's hard to believe I'm living it. That growing a person inside me, despite all my worrying and obsession, really doesn't take much effort at all.
She grows. My body provides all she needs to do it.
Truly amazing.

Nobody told me that once you feel that glorious feeling of your baby moving, that it would immediately become a source of obsession and yet another thing for a mom to worry about.

Also, no one told me that even halfway through your pregnancy, if you suffered from IF or a loss, you will never feel completely sure that pregnancy=baby. Your husband will. You won't. You will always wonder if this is the day your worst fears come true.
Not to be pessimistic or a downer- I have many days that are filled with baby love and preparation and belly rubs and talking ot my baby about what awaits her out here. But doubt creeps in after anything questionably dangerous during pregnancy-did I stretch my abdomon too hard? Did I give my baby salmonella by absentmindedly licking the spoon when making cookies? Is the plastic in my 10 bottled water a day habit giving my baby BPA poisoning? Did I cook my baby when I was laying in the sun for 10 minutes, vainly trying to get some color on my pasty stomach? The list goes on. The world is a scary place for a pregnant worrywort.

No one told me that even though you will love your new belly and will hardly be able to stand waiting to get it, you will feel oddly self-conscious when it starts to grow and everyone looks pointedly at it when you walk into a room.

But it is all worth it. My baby is healthy, she will be a reality in four months, and all this worry will be for nothing.

Right?

Everything looked perfect on our little girl. I still can't believe I actually get to have my own baby girl! Of course, we would have loved a little boy more than we would ever know, but...we just pictured having a daughter and it's so perfect that we get to have one!!!

Now we just have to figure out what we're going to call her.

My doctor saw her little la.bia so clearly, she said there was no doubt at all. K was beaming. He would have loved having a "little man", but he's always wanted a baby girl just a little bit more. We went to Baby G.ap right after we left and bought a little baby bikini in a giraffe print. No, I don't mind dressing my infant in a bikini.
As happy and excited we are to know what our baby is, and that she is a girl, we are even more relieved that everything looked perfect and healthy and whole on her.

I am so proud of her.
I can't wait to meet her.

We are starting to make plans. Plans that involve our wee one and believing that this is all really going to happen.

After touring our local birth center and the hospital my Doctor delivers at, we've decided to have the baby at the hospital. This originally went against my natural earth mama grain, but after asking questions and seeing that the hospital doesn't push things I wasn't comfortable with (i.e, whisking the baby away, continuous monitoring, routine episiotomies, etc.,) and that they actually have means to encourage natural pain relief as long as I want it (jacuzzi tubs, labor balls,) I realized that it doesn't have to be a scary place after all. The facilities are brand new, and there were no hospital noises and that cold hospital feel there.

Since this is my first birth, I have no idea what to expect, and being at the hospital will provide a degree of comfort for me. If I need a c-section, or my baby needs additional support, or the pain of labor is enough to make me want to grab the anesthesiologist and beg him to shoot me up with strongest stuff he has...I'll be in the best place possible.

I'm considering hiring a doula, for that midwifey continuous support and encouragement. We're meeting with a pediatrician that a friend of mine recommended next month. I'm looking into which childbirth classes I want us to take.

And next week...we find out what kind of baby we're getting!

Things are really moving along. I'm feeling lots of movements with this moving along. ;) I feel much more secure and happy, and I believe a little more each day that this is really going to happen.

My squirmy, poopy baby that is going to turn our world upside down is just around the corner!

I'll be 20 weeks, halfway there this weekend. Amazing, amazing, amazing. There is not a day that goes by that I take any of it for granted.

I felt my little lovebug move.
Every day since Wednesday.
It is amazing.It makes me smile.It makes me feel like I have a secret buddy with me all the time, growing and learning and having fun inside me all day.
It is a delightful little nudge when I least expect it, feeling me with awe and joy and love...and all sorts of mushy feelings.
Something real is in there. And it's all mine. (well, half anyways.But mine for now.)

Last night I swear I felt a somersault! I could lay on my couch for hours, waiting for that bump, bump.

Sigh. Amazing.

This morning I was awaken by the doorbell ringing, which in turn makes my dog go crazy. After greeting the Fed.ex guy and hushing my dog, I went to the bathroom.
As usual, I checked the tp.
Not as usual, there was some light red blood.
Let the freakout commence.
It was about 7:30, and my doctor's office doesn't open until 8. I called the emergency number for my clinic, and they paged a doctor for me. I felt like I was going to faint or throw up, and I couldn't calm down to get dressed. What to do, what to do? I called hubby. He is usually the calm beacon for freakouts of any kind. He calmly suggested that I just drive down there, since at this point the office would open in 10 minutes, and it's about 10-15 minutes away.
good idea.
shaking, I grabbed a bottle of water and drove there. alone. Scared as hell. I told H that he didn't have to meet me there, that I would call him if I needed him. Of course, I DID need him, but I didn't know what was going to happen. There continued to be no more spotting, so I tried to imagine the best possible scenario.
This is really hard to do when you are a freak out queen about anything pregnancy related!
Then I had to wait an HOUR to see my doctor. WTH. I literally told the front desk that I was freaking out and had to see someone RIGHT NOW.
When the nurse finally took me in the back, where they take your blood pressure and what not, I started crying. She asked me if I felt movement, and I'm not entirely sure what I have felt IS movement, so I shook my head and wondered if I ever would.
I thought about the night before, after my shower, when I looked in the mirror and vainly wondered how big I was going to get and if my body would ever be the same again. Stupid. Who cares about stretchmarks? Just let my baby be healthy and my body do what it needs to do to sustain that.
Hubby called me when I was undressed and waiting. (again.) he calmed me down, and said he just knew everything would be okay.
My doctor finally came in, and reassured me that these things happen, and that it would be okay. How could she know that?! She checked my cervix-closed. a little brown blood around the surface that she scraped and showed me. She did an ultrasound-placenta well positioned and not seperating. Baby's heart was beating. He/she moved their leg lazily. Cervix-long and thick. 4.8 inches. "look at this beautiful child," she soothed me. "Nothing could look more perfect. I could have no better news for you. Your cervix is extremely tender now, with the pressure from the growing uterus. It appears that your spotting only came from your cervix, but it's not still bleeding."
She told me to call her if I start bleeding like a period (GOD FORBID). She said this happens, but as long as everything looks healthy there's no cause for concern.
SIGH OF RELIEF. HUGE BULLET DODGED.
Today could have gone so much worse. I can't imagine losing my baby at 4.5 months.
I went home and went to bed after getting some cereal and drinking loads of water. I've been peeing ever since, and even had a BM- sorry, tmi- and there was not a bit of spotting. At all.

This baby is going to give me a heart attack!

There's just not that much going on.
Still pregnant.
Right at 4 months.
Going to see the doctor tomorrow morning.
Still nervous every time I go.

See, this is a TTC blog. And I'm not TTC anymore! I'm sure you all are interested in my daily goings on to some degree, but I just never used this blog for that before.

But just in case you are- let's talk about what I've been up to lately.

Hubb and I went to a jazz festival last night. It was wonderful. It was outside, under the stars, and the venue was all about giving honor to the Ladies of Jazz. We were up till 12am, which is late for my pregnant old lady self, but it was well worth it. Especially since I got to hear "fever". and "mama may have". nuff said.

We're finishing up some projects on our house. I really wanted to get our backyard done before september, but that's probably not going to happen. We also want to go on one last trip as a twosome...probably sometime in June. We also have a annual "visiting the fam" trip in southern California that we'll make in May or July.

I am feeling bigger and my uterus is more jostle-y. It's a weird feeling-like my uterus is not connected to anything and can bounce up and down. I am used to running up and down my stairs,and that is just not happening anymore. Here's me at 16 weeks:


At nighttime, I am noticing that I feel more achey and full in my belly area. I am having lots of stretching twinges.And in the morning, when I'm still fairly trim and thin, I can feel a firmness in my lower abdomen that was never there before! exciting.

By the way, I will probably continue to remove my pics after a week or so- I have the same pics posted on a blog for family and friends IRL, and I'm trying to remain anonymous! We'll see, though. I know it's tough for you all to compare them.

My OB appt is tomorrow morning, like I said...I hope all is well! That fear thing, although quieted a little, is still nagging at the back of my mind...

Since I promised, Here are a couple.
Here's one of me at 6.5 weeks:



And here's one at 13 weeks:


I was looking a little more tummilicious, so I had hubby take a shot. (Please look past the bra mishap on the side of my boob.) It varies from day to day, but I think something is growing in there!;) More specifically, THIS is growing in there:



There. I feel like I have made good on my blogging word.

Since I was given the OK by so many of you to keep updating on the regular about my growin a baby state, here ya go! Another post, and it hasn't even been a week since the last one. ;)

I would have posted a belly shot by now, but there just has not been enough change from 6 weeks to 13. :(
Boo hoo, I know, poor me not looking pregnant yet. But I really DO want to look pregnant, not just bloated after 7pm. This weekend, when I am officially 13 weeks, I will post a belly shot JUST IN CASE there is something to show. I promise.

My appetite seems to be almost back to normal. I don't get as grossed out by certain foods anymore. I can stay up later without wanting to cry, I haven't really been nauseous in quite a while, and my early morning pees are not as early and irritating. I still need a nap in the afternoon, and I am not as regular as I used to be. This is not fun. Oh, and I have this feeling of not being able to "plop" down roughly anymore. When I sit down, I have to do it very gingerly, or my insides feel like they are heavy and plopping down with me. So WEIRD. Not sure if this is an intestinal or uterus issue.
I haven't had any more O dreams. I am not afraid of doin it anymore, but I don't really feel like it most of the time. Probably because I am so bloated and full feeling by the time evening rolls around.

My skin seems clearer and rosier, and my nails are growing faster and stronger than they ever have. But my HAIR. yech. It gets so greasy after just one day without washing it. Not cool.
Overall I think I'm experiencing that feeling of well being some of the pregnancy books talk about. This may have to do with hormones, or it may have to do with my feeling more confident that everything still is progressing beautifully and normally. Maybe a little of both. I feel content. I am going to accept that this is happening, and love my little gummy bear with abandon.

I had a good 12 week appointment on Monday. I don't have the ultrasound pic on this computer, but I'll post it soon. Little One is getting bigger and rounder. I am not so sure how I'll deal with waiting a month to see my doctor again...I've been pretty spoiled with the RE and the every two weeks thing they have going.

keeping my fingers crossed that this year is it for all of us... :)

I must first apologize for being MIA for the last couple of weeks.
The truth is, I have felt a little bit guilty for sharing pregnancy tidbits here. I know that before I got pregnant, I enjoyed reading about everyone else's pregnancy progress, but I feel now that it's me with the ticker, I am just an irritant bragging about my jackpot winning.
And I still can't believe it's me this time.
I am finally at the 12 week mark. Tomorrow is my first appointment with my OB... although, I am leaning very heavily towards having a birth center birth with a midwife. Especially after my treatment with this OB in trying to get pregnant, where she prescribed me metformin without so much as a glucose test. She always treated me so flippantly and told me I was stressing out and that a romantic trip was all I needed to get knocked up. Granted, her expertise is in treating pregnant women and delivering babies-not dealing with fertility issues.
At any rate, I may at least get a better ultrasound tomorrow than I would at the birth center. I'm planning on going for their childbirth choices class before making up my mind.
What else? I am hardly ever nauseous any more. I never threw up, or had morning sickness- more of a sea sick feeling at night with extreme fatigue. My nightly bloat is gradually becoming more noticeable earlier and earlier. I haven't gained any weight, but my pants are all a little snugger and I had to get a bella band. Everyone and their Mom knows I'm pregnant.
I am still not completely convinced in my pregnant state and that everything will continue going smoothly, but I am becoming more and more confident of that with each passing day.

It's a struggle. I still look at the tp for doom.

I thank you all for all your love and support. I know babies are in all of our futures! I never thought I would be here, in this moment. But I am, and you will,too.
My cousin's wife just found out she's pregnant last week. She tried for two months. It still stings when it happens so easily, but I am so glad that I was already there. There hasn't been a baby in our family for seven years, and it was MY TURN to be next! They have only been married for a year, and she was very nonchalant about the whole idea of having a baby. She only made that decision three months ago. Can you imagine how much that would have SUCKED to hear that she was pregnant three months ago when I was in a pile of fertility doom?
I was thankful. Believe that.
And I am so happy that I get to be happy for her and excited to have our babies together. I am so thankful, and it could have been so different...

...we saw dancing around for us yesterday:






Everything looked perfect. Our little gummy bear was measuring right where they should be, heartbeat was fast and strong, and I was released to my OBGYN.

WE ARE SO EXCITED. I think I needed to make it to 10 weeks to feel safe. And I do. I believe it now. I am sending nothing but positive thoughts and energy down to my little gummy bear who is making me constipated, tired, and queasy at night. You aren't going ANYWHERE until you are good and ready to come out, missy/mister.

In other, weird, TMI pregnancy symptoms-one I have been hesitant to bring up is my,ummmm.....nocturnal orgasms.
Yeah.
Since I was 5 weeks pregnant, I frequently have orgasms in my sleep that wake me up with cramps for a few minutes. That's what caused those scary cramps I had that I posted about. It is the weirdest thing. Maybe the lack of doin it as frequently has got me all hot and bothered while I'm sleeping. I thought I was the only freak who experienced this, but it's actually mentioned in my "girlfriend's guide to pregnancy" book, and a few women online have spoken about it.
Ever since I realized what was going on, I can amost always stop it from happening right before it does. IN MY SLEEP! cramps are so discontenting to me that I will willingly give up this awesome new ability.
So weird.
Has anyone else experienced this phenomenon?

I had my 8 week ultasound yesterday.This is what we saw:



Heartbeats per minute-my doctor said it was "around" 150. (she didn't count for a minute, but I'll trust her.) Baby was measuring 7w6d, which, by my dates from conception (8w1d) is two days off. From what I hear, the measurements can be either +3 or -3 days accurate. S/he was measuring 14mm.

My doctor said everything looked really good. Heartbeat was nice and strong, cervix is long and closed, progesterone normal. As much as I asked them to tell me what my actual progesterone levels were, all they would tell me is that they were above 20 and normal. EErrrh. I think they know I'm obsessive and don't think it neccesary to provide me with details. They said if they don't call me, my levels are normal. Thanks alot! I guess it's for the better, since as soon as I got home, despite her telling me everything looked great and normal, and that miscarriage is highly unlikely at this point- I started googling 8 week ultasounds to see if my bean looked normal. And if 150 BPM was good at this point. And if 14mm was normal for 8 weeks.
SIGH.
I am relieved, yes. I felt incredibly more relaxed after seeing it's little heart still beating away. It's just that once you've seen the other side of statistics in getting this far, it's hard to believe in them being stacked in your favor.

THIS IS GOING TO LAST.THIS IS GOING TO LAST. THIS IS GOING TO LAST.
I WILL BRING HOME A BABY IN SEPTEMBER.
I will repeat this until I believe it.

ps: if you're interested in my 6 week ultrasound, it's in that post now. :)

Last night I was so exhausted all I wanted to do was crawl into bed at 10:00. I took a long shower and did just that...and became so nauseous I wished I would throw up and get it over with! It lasted about an hour. It was so bad I thought I may have got the awful flu that everyone I know seems to have. The worst thing about this sudden bought of nausea was that I was SO TIRED. I just wanted to sleep and I couldn't! Now I remember why I hate throwing up.
It's that horrible feeling right before.
I woke up feeling fairly ok, grateful that the sick feeling seemed to have passed. Then I was sitting in a auto repair shop around noon and suddenly felt the urge to throw up. Frantic, I went outside, considering which would be more mortifying-the bathroom next to the receptionist desk, or the planter area outside? The bathroom was occupied, so I went outside and sat on the curb, waiting for the worst.
It didn't happen. I am amazed I can feel that urge so strongly and still not hurl! The problem with my particular brand of m/s is that it comes so suddenly, so unexpectedly, that I feel very vulnerable and afraid I'm going to throw up in public. This makes planning errands and outings very challenging.
But I am NOT complaining. Bring it on, baby. Show me what you're workin with.

We have made it through another week!

I haven't been as nauseous the past couple of days, so of course that worries me. I still have sore (*)(*) and I don't feel like eating anything...so I guess the nausea hasn't completely subsided. Maybe I'm just used to it now. My Mom never had bad morning sickness-just felt sick sometimes and wanted to throw up once in a while. But she never did. Neither did my Aunts or Cousins, so I'll try not to worry.
I have been ridiculously thirsty. I am exhausted by 9:45 PM . I wake up to a flat stomach and go to bed with one bloated twice the size. weird. I also have this sensation sometimes of my heart beating really fast, like I've just ran down the street, and it catches my breath for a minute or so. Also weird.
I haven't had any spotting or cramping. This continues to be awesome. My next appointment is on Monday, when I'll be 8w2d. My doctor told me that if I make it to 8 weeks with no problem, it is highly unlikely everything won't precede as normal. He likes to air on the side of caution, never giving false hope, so I have been clinging to his words and hoping I make it past the weekend with no scares!
I may have told all of my family. What can I say, I have a big mouth and no censor. Only a few of my friends know. We're hoping we can tell everyone in a couple of weeks or so. Every time we tell someone else, I am excited that they know, and then immediately sick with the idea of having to "untell" them. But part of being optimistic and believing in this pregnancy requires that I act like I would have had I never experienced the tragedy of miscarriage. I will not let that rob me entirely of enjoying every normal minute of this experience. I am PREGNANT, damn it. And everything is going WELL for now.

I'm trying to sit with that. It's harder than I thought it would be, but I'm trying my best.

WE HAVE A HEARTBEAT!!!!

I was so nervous I thought I would vomit.
I had dreams all night of empty little sacks.
I didn't look at the monitor until I saw K's smile...he saw it right away and let me know with my eyes it was okay to look.

Everything looks perfect. Our tiny, little bean with a tiny, little heart.



I think I'll breath now.

I have been feeling nauseous for the past two weeks. My (*)(*) ache, I take naps like my grandmother, and I am always thirsty.
I am afraid to vacuum, to lift groceries, to open the room that my husband is painting for fear I will poison/dislodge the little embryo that we have already grown so much to love.

p.s...we haven't DTD since we found out. I just can't do it! When did any of you preggos decide it was safe to? I know that they say if the pregnancy is threatened or if you have a history of miscarriages you should avoid it during the first trimester at least- but although this pregnancy is going smoothly so far, the m/c I had four months ago is enough of a history for me! How do you get your mind out of protection mode?

My ultrasound is Monday...I'm counting down the days for a chance to see a heartbeat. At this same time during my last pregnancy, it was already over. This time is so different,yet I can't completely give in to being blissfully happy and expectant that all is well. With each passing day I feel a little more confident, especially since it seems that there is no spotting going to happen any time soon for this chick!
Thank you for all of your cheers and well wishes...I know you all are always with me, cheering for my little bean and for all of our little beans in the making or in the future...

Thank you guys for your encouragement and stern council to stop reading statistics. I won't put any more stock in them!

Last night at midnight, strong cramps (like pms cramps, very scary) woke me up from a deep sleep. They lasted about five minutes, but they were far too much like miscarriage cramps. After they went away, I got very nauseous. I, of course, called my doctor this morning. The nurse said I should come in for a sono- but that, she,too, experienced the same thing with her pregnancy and everything was fine.
So, we rushed down to the office and waited. I didn't have any spotting or any more cramps, so I was feeling pretty optimistic. I was just exhausted and nauseous.
My doctor pulled out his handy vag wand, and congratulated me on being sick. He said 4w5d was too early to see the baby, which I already knew. But he saw that my lining was nice and thick, and that my right ovary had a pretty big corpus luteum cyst with fluid around it. He suspected that is where my cramping came from. They did a progesterone test, and he gave me a Rx for progesterone to keep the cramps away, and to prevent a m/c since he knows I am deathly afraid of that. He said he'll see me a week from Monday to see the heartbeat, and that everything looks great.
I asked him about that scary clomid stat. He told me what I knew already but needed to hear from a doctor- that the stat includes women of all ages with various fertility problems. He told me that once you get pregnant, it becomes a matter of age, and that I am no more likely to miscarry than any other 24 year old who got pregnant with no meds would be likely to have another miscarriage. Since many of my friends have suffered a mc and went on to have healthy pregnancies and children, I will take this information to heart and stop thinking the worst.
Right now, all is good and nothing could be better. I must resonate with that. Today, I have nothing to worry about. Just ask my doctor.
********************************************
UPDATE:
My doctor called me with my progesterone and beta results for today. progesterone:20, hcg: 1,040!!! doubling time- 1.76 days. AWESOME!!!!!

I spent one day extremely optimistic about this pregnancy.
And then, I read that Clomid has a live birth rate of 30-60%.

What the hell? Are you serious? That doesn't sound too good.

I'm trying to think about my good betas, my constant low grade nausea, sore boobs and fatigue, coupled with no signs of bleeding...but that statistic scared the crap out of me!

And despite promises to myself, I told two cousins today that I was pregnant. Nice. I should have said, I have a 30-60% chance of having a baby in 8 months.

Someone talk me out of my crazies. And make me shut my big mouth. I'm not even five weeks yet!

This is my peestick from this morning, when my period was due, 16 DPO:



and here's a picture with the same one, plus my First Response Early Result test on 13 DPO. Sorry, it's a little yellow by now. :/



I didn't take one yesterday, since I was getting a beta done that morning anyway.


Isn't the plus sign from this morning so freakin BRIGHT and HAPPY?!!! It came up right away.
I am starting to believe this pregnancy thing and that I just might birth a baby in 8 months! So far, my symptoms are:
A queasy, just got off the tilt-a-whirl feeling for the past four days.
Tender, Sore boobs and nips
Fatigue. Oh my god, the fatigue. It feels so good to sleep.
Keep em comin, little bean.

After waiting from 8:30PM until 5:00PM to know if my beta doubled or not, I finally got the results.
12 DPO 22.3
15 DPO 216!!!!

Nuff said. Doubling time was less than a day! I couldn't ask for more. :)

Thank you all for your sweet thoughts and kind comments. I've got nothin but love for you all.

I peed on a stick this morning, at 13DPO, and saw a very convincing line.
It was light, but not too light.
It was great.
I promise to pee on another one and take a picture of both for you tomorrow.
I have not had a single spot.
I like that a lot. So much, that, every bathroom incident is followed by a hearty announcement to my husband.
I found a new prenatal that dissolves in, like, 15 minutes! As soon as you put it in water it starts to break down. "Natures Way". It was at target for 11 bucks. I am retiring my trader joe's crappola ones that didn't break down after two hours. so wack. this is my baby's spinal cord and brain development we're talking about, people! Don't put prenatals on the market that don't break down!!!'

We got a new car on Monday, before I knew I was pregnant- it's a much more baby friendly car. My husband was talking on the phone with friends of ours that don't know we've been trying and miscarried, but they do know we want kids. Husband told them we had exciting news, and of course they thought we were pregnant. We go over there, and they were disappointed it was just a new car. but then the male counterpart of our friends said," I bet you are pregnant, but don't want to tell us yet because you're not out of your first trimester yet." We laughed it off, but were pretty amazed at his intuition! We played it off pretty well, so when we do tell them (WEEKS from now, people,) they will probably trip out on how good of actors we are.

I hope I still get to be pregnant for many, many weeks to come. 36, to be exact.

My doctor called me today to tell me about my blood test. I got it done at 1:15PM, and had to beg the nurse's assistant who took my blood to have them call me today. Because it was done after 12pm, they normally wouldn't call me until tomarrow- but tomarrow is saturday, which means no lab techs will be there, so I wouldn't know if I was pregnant or not until MONDAY. I think she took pity on my weak emotional state and made them put a rush on it.

At 4:30, my doctor called to tell me that my beta was 22.3 Yes, people, Clomid worked the very first try! He told me not to get too excited, that some women get a positive and "start their period" soon after, but that I was indeed pregnant. I will go in Monday to see if it doubled.

When I had the miscarriage, my beta was 14 at 19DPO. Today, at 12 DPO, I have already almost doubled that. This is good news to my little heart, along with the snow white panties and no spotting whatsoever...but caution tugs on my heart as well. I am optimistic, but its hard to believe I will get a baby from all of this!

To add to my worries, although hcg levels can be as low as 5 at this point, the median is 30. I am not quite there, so as you know, I worry. I will try to take comfort in my throbbing (*)(*), my queasy stomach and the unbelievable fatigue I am experiencing...
and the fact that I am truly PREGNANT right now! No matter what happens, I GOT PREGNANT AGAIN! Nobody can take that from me.

Maybe I should have given clomid a try sooner?

10 DPO, not really feelin this cycle.

My 8DPO progesterone test was 19.1. This was related to me by a very happy nurse who called me on the phone,saying:"Your progesterone levels are looking great."
Last month, 8 DPO- 20. I'm on clomid this month, so shouldn't it be higher? After consulting with a preferred doctor in my group plan-Dr.Google, who else- I learned that doctors like to see a serum 15 or more mid-luteal phase to carry a healthy pregnancy.
So thats good. 19.1 is good.
But why was it about the same as a pre-medicated cycle for me?
hmm.
I am happy to also inform the interested that I am 10 DPO with no weird spotting incidents since 3DPO. My doctor (the real one this time) thinks it could be from a drop in estrogen after ovulation, or his favorite-endometriosis. As you know, he seems to be a fan of this diagnosis.

I am getting a HCG serum taken on Friday. I almost declined, but figured, what the heck? Might as well know I'm not pregnant on Friday, before a friend's baby shower on Saturday; then have to wait, dream, and crumble into an unidentifiable heap of broken dreams on the bathroom floor three days later. Might as well let the dream die before it sprouts some more.

I apologize if I seem a little apathetic, or worse-pessimistic. But this is my 15 or 16th cycle trying to get pregnant. Besides, as you remember from my last post...that healthy medium that transports the sperm was not so healthy in my case.
I feel like there was no chance in hell any of them found that egg.
Why can't they come up with a fertility pill that isn't (gasp!) counterproductive to getting pregnant for 1/3 of women? Is that too much to ask of the medical industry?

At least I'll know in two more days. My problem is....what if clomid doesn't do it for me. I don't think I'm ready for anything more invasive.

I had my post coital test this morning. Since the only instructions my RE gave me was to have intercourse either the night before or the morning of my appointment, I opted for the night before. No need to put pressure into "having" to DTD right before going in, right?
So. It was about a 14 hour lapse between doin it and getting the test completed.

I have been nervous about clomid depleting my fertile juices since I started it. And,even though I had a couple of episodes of EWCM, it was NOTHING like I am used to. Normally, I have lots of the clear stuff, which steadily increases until I ovulate, for five days total. It is very predictable, and I cling to that predictability in the midst of TTC hell.

This month....not so much.

And it showed. My cervical fluid had plenty of sperm in it, they were just all dead. Not one of them had an ounce of life in em. The nurse kindly told me that this could mean the live ones are all up in my tubes already, or- that my lady juices are killing them off faster than that virus in I am Legend. She suggested an IUI next cycle.

Which I am firmly declining. WTH?! I am ovulating fine without clomid, so you put me on clomid. Then Clomid dries me up and I have to give up all my dreams of conceiving my baby during the throes of passion-instead, with my legs in stirrups and my husband's sperm in a syringe?! Maybe I am just too sentimental, but I have not given up on sex leading to conception just yet.

I left the office in tears. Dr.Google assures me that the post coital test isn't completely reliable, but Dr. Endo wants me to switch gears and move to IUIs. Stupid clomid. Stupid, stupid clomid. Thanks for taking the one thing that was normal about my reproductive organs.

I had my 3rd RE appointment this morning.

I am still amazed at how proactive my clinic is in appointments and tests. They really want this to happen for me! I love it.

He waved his magic vagina wand at me and showed me that clomid is working for me! At least FIVE HUGE follicles were bulging from my ovaries, and my lining looked "excellent". I asked him if ALL those follys were going to burst?! He assured me that they wouldn't, hopefully just two would. The vagina wand is always uncomfortable to me, so Dr. Endo thinks that is a sign that I might have endometriosis. He says I shouldn't be so tender when he's swingin that thing to and fro inside me. hmm.

I have an appt Saturday morning at 9:30 for the ol' post coital. This test has always seemed rather intrusive to me- checking my lady juices after DTD with my husband? Kind of weird. But we'll do it, we know it's important- especially while I'm on clomid and woke up this morning to NO EWCM, which irritated me to no end. After all the praises I sung it yesterday! PSH.

As usual, I will update you on all of that. In the meantime, we will be gettin it on till the break of dawn, hoping to catch one of those luscious eggies.

After three days obsessively checking for CM ,in fear that the evil clomid ran my lovely EWCM out of business, I am proud to say that it is here! In full, glorious clear stretchy swing. Phew. If I can expect the normal five days o' cervical juice I'm used to, that puts us at ovulation on CD 15. Sunday.

NOT TOO BAD, ladies. NOT TOO BAD.

I was afraid that clomid would take from me the one thing I can always depend on- a healthy, dependable medium for my husband's DNA to swim through to get to my lovely little egg. AND IT DIDN'T!!

Grins abound. Who knew that bodily fluids could ever make me smile.