Baby Wait

...Even with this belly, I can't believe I'm pregnant.
I seem to have grown it over night! Every day it's a little bigger.

This has been my dream for quite some time, and it's hard to believe I'm living it. That growing a person inside me, despite all my worrying and obsession, really doesn't take much effort at all.
She grows. My body provides all she needs to do it.
Truly amazing.

Nobody told me that once you feel that glorious feeling of your baby moving, that it would immediately become a source of obsession and yet another thing for a mom to worry about.

Also, no one told me that even halfway through your pregnancy, if you suffered from IF or a loss, you will never feel completely sure that pregnancy=baby. Your husband will. You won't. You will always wonder if this is the day your worst fears come true.
Not to be pessimistic or a downer- I have many days that are filled with baby love and preparation and belly rubs and talking ot my baby about what awaits her out here. But doubt creeps in after anything questionably dangerous during pregnancy-did I stretch my abdomon too hard? Did I give my baby salmonella by absentmindedly licking the spoon when making cookies? Is the plastic in my 10 bottled water a day habit giving my baby BPA poisoning? Did I cook my baby when I was laying in the sun for 10 minutes, vainly trying to get some color on my pasty stomach? The list goes on. The world is a scary place for a pregnant worrywort.

No one told me that even though you will love your new belly and will hardly be able to stand waiting to get it, you will feel oddly self-conscious when it starts to grow and everyone looks pointedly at it when you walk into a room.

But it is all worth it. My baby is healthy, she will be a reality in four months, and all this worry will be for nothing.

Right?

Everything looked perfect on our little girl. I still can't believe I actually get to have my own baby girl! Of course, we would have loved a little boy more than we would ever know, but...we just pictured having a daughter and it's so perfect that we get to have one!!!

Now we just have to figure out what we're going to call her.

My doctor saw her little la.bia so clearly, she said there was no doubt at all. K was beaming. He would have loved having a "little man", but he's always wanted a baby girl just a little bit more. We went to Baby G.ap right after we left and bought a little baby bikini in a giraffe print. No, I don't mind dressing my infant in a bikini.
As happy and excited we are to know what our baby is, and that she is a girl, we are even more relieved that everything looked perfect and healthy and whole on her.

I am so proud of her.
I can't wait to meet her.

We are starting to make plans. Plans that involve our wee one and believing that this is all really going to happen.

After touring our local birth center and the hospital my Doctor delivers at, we've decided to have the baby at the hospital. This originally went against my natural earth mama grain, but after asking questions and seeing that the hospital doesn't push things I wasn't comfortable with (i.e, whisking the baby away, continuous monitoring, routine episiotomies, etc.,) and that they actually have means to encourage natural pain relief as long as I want it (jacuzzi tubs, labor balls,) I realized that it doesn't have to be a scary place after all. The facilities are brand new, and there were no hospital noises and that cold hospital feel there.

Since this is my first birth, I have no idea what to expect, and being at the hospital will provide a degree of comfort for me. If I need a c-section, or my baby needs additional support, or the pain of labor is enough to make me want to grab the anesthesiologist and beg him to shoot me up with strongest stuff he has...I'll be in the best place possible.

I'm considering hiring a doula, for that midwifey continuous support and encouragement. We're meeting with a pediatrician that a friend of mine recommended next month. I'm looking into which childbirth classes I want us to take.

And next week...we find out what kind of baby we're getting!

Things are really moving along. I'm feeling lots of movements with this moving along. ;) I feel much more secure and happy, and I believe a little more each day that this is really going to happen.

My squirmy, poopy baby that is going to turn our world upside down is just around the corner!

I'll be 20 weeks, halfway there this weekend. Amazing, amazing, amazing. There is not a day that goes by that I take any of it for granted.