i am lacking of energy, yet sleeping is always my last priority. have been sleeping for only 5 hours everyday. i want to know what is going on. i don't wanna waste my youth sleeping, but i am really tired. is it e lack of sleep? or the constant whirling of wild thoughts that drains all the remaining energy i have? i dread that day to come.
floated away at
8:19 PM
Wednesday, January 28, 2004 .shagged out.
i am totally exhausted mentally and physically today. went for lifeguard selection and yes, i got thru the selection test even with my terrible back stroke. but come on, i have not done back stroke in my entire life. glad to pass the selection esp when competition is so stiff. feel so accomplished. i need to sleep. i shall end here.
floated away at
12:32 AM
Tuesday, January 27, 2004 .raging hot.
nothing seem to please me these few days. everything, everyone just seem to oppose me. i am not an ingrate.i dont wanna any rancorous relationship with anyone, especially my close ones, but why . why can't u all see what i actually meant, what i actually wanted. i am always treated like a little kid, when i am NOT. i have enough of that. i want my own space. i want somebody to understand me. stop annoying me .
floated away at
12:29 AM
Sunday, January 25, 2004 .dream.
i had a dream last night. i dreamt we were still happily together. i dreamt we were watching a movie. i dreamt we had dinner together. i dreamt we were holding hands . i dreamt we quarrelled after that. i dreamt there was a third party. i dreamt we went on our seperate ways. its no longer a dream to me. its more of a sign. a sign for me to move on.
i wonder how i feel about you now. hatred? jealous? love? i just know that particular feeling gets stronger everyday. i know its weird. but yes, i am weird.
floated away at
11:17 PM
.annotations.
i have just added annotations to my blog. however it doesn't seem to work when i tested it just now. went for a run just now which totally demoralize me. i need a rest.
floated away at
7:57 PM
.blank.
nothing can alleviate the pain i am experiencing now. it isn't the normal superficial wound that will heal over time. i don't understand it myself. i know its impossible to find the real remedy. close friends' company can only serve as an emollient to the problem i am suffering right now. i need to find the real answer. i need to find the real me.
floated away at
5:13 PM
Saturday, January 24, 2004 .wasted.
its frustrating typing a long entry and what comes out is "error". this is what happened last night. spent an hour typing an entry and yea, bad things just happen. its meaningful getting pissed off over such trivial matters anyway. will not be typing out what i typed last night . it is inconsequential and perhaps it is just not meant to be published.
such a cool weather today. so comforting yet making one feel so indolent.
chinese new year is getting so dull. so untraditional. perhaps i am just apathetic. anyway chinese new year really makes me feel really fat. the amount of junk food i stuff into my stomach is prodigious. i guess its time to work out again.
floated away at
2:08 PM
Wednesday, January 21, 2004 .too fortunate?.
i live in a condo. i have a car to drive. i have never experienced poverty. i usually get what i want. i can swim whenever i want because the pool is just right below. i get to eat at restaurants at least once a week. i have broad shoulders. i am not born weak or handicapped. i have looks that isn't disgusting in other people's eyes. i am easily noticed. i am usually not being forgotten. i have legs to walk. i am capable to pass driving with just one attempt. i have parents who are willing to fetch me to camp everyday if the car isn't available for me. YET i often lament how biased my parents are. how unflawless my complexion is. how skinny and fat i am. how unsightly my scar is. how damaged my hair is. how unwealthy i am. how slow i swim compared to other stronger opponents. how small my room is. how untalented i am and .............................................
i just have countless things to lament on.
many people express that i am so fortunate. am i? many people see things on the surface. some millionaires may live in mansions with posh cars, but are they really happy? should one really appreciate what one already has. is being desirable plausible? feelings are just so convoluted. i shall reflect more on this.
happy chinese new year. its time for reunion dinner. i don't feel the excitement. the anticipation. i wonder why i became so stoid. so dead.
floated away at
6:44 PM
Tuesday, January 20, 2004 .whimsical.
hot. humid. dirty. went to Singapore Technologies Marine today to collect some loads. the weather is so unlike yesterday. my uniform was soaked with perspiration all day long. my hands are so filthy with the grease and oil . i feel so listless. i am filled with an activity-halting torpor, yet i have to work. i am getting indolent. fortunately, i didnt commit any egregious error in loading and unloading of the loads, or else my day will be even worse. i am so pissed with some drivers today. they totally have NO respect for us. they are just drivers come on. face it.
the ending of today's show was so poignant. the buddies finally made up with each other. i feel so touched. i am so glad for them. getting too emotional i guess. i am just a whimsical soul. one who can't even understand himself.
floated away at
11:28 PM
.bazaar night.
it rained the whole day today. its so cold, so comfortable. been ages since i last experienced such good weather.
my camp held a bazaar night today. all funds collected are supposed to be donated to an old folk's home . there is food, food and more food. it isn't that appealing though. the old folks came down for a visit. most are handicapped in a way or another. some can't eat on their own. every single folk is wheelchair-bound. some acts like little kids. some are so loving. some.... i shall not say more. i will end up typing those hackneyed old phrases again.=p i attended to some of the old folks. one of them can't talk properly, can't eat properly, can't drink properly and need assistance in every movement he makes. he loves taiwan sausauges, but i only allow him a stick though i can see he loves to have more. its fun doing charity , taking care of people who are less fortunate, who seriously needs our help which may appear so effortless to us.
overall, bazaar night is fun. the rain might have been ruined a little, but i enjoy the company, the crowd, the laughter and great camaraderie among my coursemates.
floated away at
12:23 AM
Sunday, January 18, 2004 .nocturnal.
my life is becoming so unhealthy. just came home from clubbing again. the amount of second hand smoke i breathe in this 2 month is really horrible. i wonder why i start going clubbing when i used to find it a waste of money and time. peer influence perhaps. my friends just want to go. one of my friends even tried approaching different group of girls at different times, but then, all failed.
i wonder whether what i did just now was correct. it is my first time. i wouldn't have done such things if i am attached. am i being sporting, or just love the feeling of being free? could i have just rejected the move? i dont feel guilty, but neither do i feel the thrill of it. its the beginning. will this be the last? i wonder..
wanted to meet my long lost pal, but she left earlier. i wonder if she is at her right state of mind these few days. i read her blog and she seems miserable.. full of troubles. wonder whats wrong...
floated away at
4:13 AM
Saturday, January 17, 2004 .very lost.
i spent the whole day sleeping. i spent the whole of yesterday idling. i am so unaware of the outside world right now. i am lost. i hate this feeling.
floated away at
8:57 PM
Thursday, January 15, 2004 .idle.
i hate idling. its miserable having absolutely nothing to do in camp, and YET cannot book out. i could have find something useful to do, but i just cant be bothered. finding tuition assignments is stressing me up. i just have to find one before the new car comes. i just dont like the idea of being a free-loader. i am not the spoilt brat everyone thinks. i want to do something which guys my age don't do- earn money. ha. i am going mad.
floated away at
7:05 PM
Wednesday, January 14, 2004 .mission failed.
i tried changing my blog template, but i long forgot all the html commands. perhaps i am just plain lazy. wonder why my mind keep going back to the past these few days. i remember the days when we were so happy. i begin wandering about the past . people talk about you and i wonder why i am still curious. i can't be bothered to throw away anything that is still in my drawer. i hate your changes. i start pondering why this actually happens. is being alone really so great or is it just self-denial? i miss hugging people. i miss holding hands. i do miss those honeyed messages which have stop visiting my inbox for months. i hate your friendliness . we will never be together anymore. a promise i made to myself.
floated away at
10:40 PM
Monday, January 12, 2004 .i wonder...
i wonder why some people can bear forking out half of their salary on car accessories. i wonder why some people can cry so easily. i wonder why some people can be so heartless. i wonder why people like to see simple things in a complicated way. i wonder why i get a car so easily while some others need to calculate the sums so hard and YET still unable to afford one. i wonder why i can be so lucky sometimes. i wonder why i can be so unfortunate at times. i wonder why i can't look good all the time. i wonder why some ugly people are models. i wonder why life cannot be without money. i wonder why i am not close to my relatives. i wonder why i can be such an introvert sometimes and extrovert at other times. i wonder why i am so weird. i wonder why people take me as happy-go-lucky ALL the time. i wonder why i am so kind-hearted, or shall i say foolish. i wonder why i am typing this.. life is just so complicated and unfair.
floated away at
10:57 PM
.heart-warming.
watched channel u charity show today. really touching. really depressing. it makes me realise how fortunate i am. instead of being satisfied , i lament about how bad i look, how uneven my tan is, how unintellectual i am and many more other complaints. i feel so ashamed of my own actions. some unfortunate people in this world are born without legs, without hands, without intellect, yet they are so strong. not only that, i see how noble love can be. taking care of yr handicapped loved ones. u feel the suffering and pain in them, yet can't share with them..... but singaporeans are not that cold-hearted after all. tears shed, numerous calls made and all the dangerous stunts..
was activated today as expected. i was called at 0715 this morning, and how i wish i dont have to drag myself out of bed at that instance. it has been ages since i last had only 3 hours of sleep. however, its a new experience. time flies surprisingly fast too. i miss swimming. i miss the swimming pool. i miss the sun.
floated away at
12:02 AM
Sunday, January 11, 2004 .self torture.
my eyes hurt. i wonder how one lives with blindness. the world is forever dark. they miss all the beautiful elements of life. its so tortuous. going orchard today is a mistake. i feel lost with my blurred vision. going home early on a saturday night isn't so bad afterall. i get rest, and yummy horfun bought by my brother. i really wish i won't get called back tomorrow. i wanna save my sunday to a friend whom i have not met for ages.
floated away at
12:48 AM
Saturday, January 10, 2004 .wasting life.
have been wasting my life away these 2 days. i have been sleeping and so unaware of the world for the past 2 days. going out on a Saturday has become more of a chore. army life just suxs. friendster is so damn laggy. i seriously feel if i remain to stay choosy over tuition assignments, i will never get ONE eventually. i want my car ! i will not club for the next 2 weeks. Tomorrow will sux bad since i will be on stand-by.
suddenly pondered upon stuff i should have forgotten long ago. why must human change? why must life be such a bitch at times. why will one only start blaming oneself only after some bad things happened? regrets and hatred are useless. it will not change anything. i feel like revamping my room. i wanna clear what is supposed to be gone.
still remember the days in sec school when i used to leave stupid and meaningless messages in my friend's voicemail. come to think of it, it used to be a trend! talking to a voicemail actually seem quite dumb if u think of it now, but these dumb things are the one which are really memorable, really unforgettable.
floated away at
5:50 PM
Friday, January 09, 2004 .nocturnal.
2004. decided on getting a new blog. a more private one. one which only my close friends have access to. i want a new beginning. no new year resolutions. this year will be a better year.
