i thought my army life is boring. i thought i have the least wanted job. i thought my posting just doesn't justify me for working so hard when i was on course. however, i keep telling myself, consoling myself how fortunate i am. how i can book out everyday. how i can escape so many responsibilities most sergeants should get. how i can get to pursue swimming in army. how many extras i might get if i am in ops company. how i earn extra money by tuition cause i have so much freetime. how i can attend lifeguard course because i am posted to headquarters. how i get a car just because i stay out. how much freedom i have during working hours. and more. of course, i get less sense of achievement. less excitement. less pride. less money.
however, there is always a reason behind my posting. i don't wish to lament or complain. i love the benefits i have right now. sometimes, most of the time actually, i get extremely dirty when i am doing servicing for my vehicles, all the benefits just weigh downs the sufferings i have. lol. i have learnt to open up. to be contented with what i have. this makes me a much more happier person.
heading down to sentosa tomorrow. yes. i am gonna be BLACK again.
floated away at
7:56 PM
Wednesday, March 24, 2004 .magmanimous.
its amazing how some people can give so much without expecting any rewards or repayments, how someone can get so happy over a simple little compliment, how close you feel for that person although contact is minimal, and how someone can be such a failure/loser. there are too many, much i shall say, things that is so cryptic and convoluted.
i am learning to be a better person. to give and don't expect repayments. to have more patience. to know how to share my joy with others. to stop being imperious and suspicious. to quit saying stuff that hurt people. to do my job with more assiduous attention, and to stop being so obdurate.
i mean what i say. i will try.
floated away at
11:46 PM
Tuesday, March 23, 2004 .so joyful.
i am in an extremely good mood today. i kept smiling. and NO, there is no reason behind it. its just better to smile than sulk. its better to be positive than negative. its better to be energetic than lethargic. you make your day. its up to you to decide whether u wanna be happy, or depressed. ( j, heard that? )
ha. i am still smiling. and yes, my dear beloved shittified brother is invading into my blog once again. so weird huh. somebody in the family know my deep dark secrets. lol. you sux, mr gabriel tan. =p
floated away at
10:55 PM
.too kind.
sometimes, i feel i am just too nice, too kind, too good a friend. sometimes. realise i will do what i can for friends, colleagues and family if its within my reach most of the time. but i begin to ask myself.. is being nice worth it? will people realise it? are people hanging around with me just because i am nice? do they just want a lift or something? will they appreciate what i have done?
and, do i have the right to be pissed off if i end up waiting for people instead of people waiting for me EVERYDAY just before book out? i really hate waiting for people. i mean.. yes, i am already providing convenience for them, but they still ended up letting me wait, wait and wait. is it too cruel or haughty if i just drive off without waiting for these people? my view is, i know i am fortunate to have a car at this age, and i hope people around me get to enjoy too, but some are really getting on my nerves. sometimes, i feel. yea i am lucky. so what. its my business. i don't have the obligation to please you just because i am more fortunate than you in a way. if you want a lift, make sure you wait for me, and not the other way round. now people thinks i am flaunting my arrogance around. wth. its hard being nice, really.
i feel its just not worth it. to some, yes. but most, NO.
floated away at
12:27 AM
Sunday, March 21, 2004 .surprise.
long time no see. haven't been touching the computer for quite some time. busy with lifeguard tests( i am finally certified to perform lifeguard duties outside after taking this very dreadful test ), with tuition assignments, with movies and in-camp stuff. finally, i got myself another student. he appears so much more well-disciplined- at least he bothers calling me up telling me he has done his homework, and yes, i bought him a "shaker" mechanical pencil for reward. how nice i am. watched 2 movies this weekend which i feel is ..*no comments* as for camp stuff, how interesting can it be?
ok. i had 4 new friends request, 2 messages and 2 new testimonials since i last logged in. been a long time since i last had so many new updates, but guess what, all the 4 requests are people whom i DO NOT know. this is funny. lol. its either my new picture really resembles somebody they know and bears the same name as me, OR i look like brad pitt or william hung. LOL. YES, its 4 girls, but either too fat, or people who didn't publish their picture. so sad.
had a boring weekend i can say. my life seem changed after my new car came. there is pressure. there is this "push" for me to earn money. read articles how people start earning money since their ns life. and i mean BIG money. for me, i am contented if i am able to start earning like $5K a month. lol. a consultant came to my house on friday introducing me some business opportunities and it seems so appealing. so unbelievable. still contemplating whether it is a good investment or not. if it works, US20,000 might be rolling into my bank account every month. IF it works. IF.
i start having big dreams. i start thinking going out on saturdays to crowded places like town is kinda meaningless. i no longer feel like doing things my age group people does. i feel i am maturing faster than people of my age group. but somehow i think i am kinda childish compared to people who are older than me. so what am i? i want to invest in stocks. i want to invest in good business opportunities. i feel its never too early to start a business. i don't believe in wasting your life through if you hold a 8-5 job in ns. i wanna fulfill my dreams. i am lost. really.
floated away at
10:22 PM
Sunday, March 14, 2004 .flaws.
my blog isn't complete. there is something wrong with my annotations stuff and archives page. and i am too lazy to solve it tonight. its just another boring sunday night awaiting tomorrow's monday blues. i am gonna clean my car later. haven't been showing it with the attention it deserve recently. lol
had an unhealthy saturday night. went balestier for the famous bak ku teh and ate so much fattening food. sin. but its ok pampering myself once in a blue moon. thanks for the treat from my few beloved friends, and brothers. =) saw her again last night. i am finally convinced i want to be a bachelor. lol. as for the few friends which i haven't been seeing for quite a while, erm, i don't think this meeting changes anything. we are still as strange. still as unfamiliar with each other. and i remember somebody owed me $2 huh. lol.
had a very short haircut today. felt quite satisfied considering the cheap rates and extra attention i got compared to QB House. shall patronise it again the next time round. lol. thanks for bringing me there. => gonna wash my car right now.
realise its time to give my second payment already. pressure starts rising again. i have stopped finding tuition for quite a while. kinda sick of it. always no reply. its just a waste of phone bills. perhaps i shall give out more leaflets. but i have lifeguard obligations which doesn't allow me to commit myself in any timings. wtf. heck it.
-deleted the rest cos i think its a little too shallow. lol.-
floated away at
9:56 PM
Saturday, March 13, 2004 .raking up memories.
i don't think raking up past memories makes any difference to the life i am in now. i definitely felt better that night, sorting things out and expressing all the anger accumulated. i know its a little pointless but it helps. everything that happens seems like a misunderstanding after the clarification. things could have NOT happened, but it still did. i think its more of a fate, or just to make each other feel a little better. i never regret my approach that day. its not nice to regret la. too late anyway. i rather have my current lifestyle.
quite a boring week this week. i bought 4D. i feel 4D, toto, big sweep are just some scams. i don't believe you ever gain unless u are so god darn lucky. but if someone wins, they will definitely buy again and end up losing all those winnings. its addictive. its deleterious for health. but too bad, i seem addicted and have lost a few dollars already. i think about... 10 movie tickets? lol. IF i win this week, i am gonna stop. i promise. lol
floated away at
4:59 PM
Monday, March 08, 2004 .going blind.
i realise i don't feel the urge to blog again. that desire to blog is no longer there anymore again. the determination to make my blog sound more interesting is no longer there anymore again. why is everything so transcient everytime? ha.
my eyes still hurt. it seems like its recovering, but its the first time that the pain lasted so darn long. serious. i fear going blind. but thanks to vanity or whatever, i still think wearing specs out with red eyes makes me look more retarded and unapproachable. imagine going blind because of vanity. its not worth it. definitely not.
enjoyed myself "quite" much yesterday. have not gone that mad for a long time, without alcoholic influence at all surprisingly. saw her after so long. i don't think she changed much. to me, she still look like that la. glad that her presence didn't affect my mood at all yesterday . yes, i am really being truthful! ha. perhaps bachelor's life just seems more appealing to me right now. lol.
floated away at
1:55 AM
Friday, March 05, 2004
.sore eyes.
my eyes are so sore. actually its not sore. its just red. its just irritating. i can't really open my eyes to see this wonderful world. At that very instance, i thought i am going blind. how pathetic it is if i become blind. i can't drive. i can't see my wonderful family and friends. i can't swim. er i can, but i will bang my heads on the walls till i die. ha. i can't see pretty babes. i can't see myself. i can't watch movies. argh. i just can't do soOo many things. i feel as if i am dead. how can one live without a pair of eyes? but its proven. blind people still make a living. they still try to live like a normal person. their will are just so strong. compared to them, i feel i am so inferior, so weak. thanks god i am not blind, yet. (touch wood)
went swimming today again. i haven't been in camp yet. i think i will feel better ignoring how people is going see me. contemplating if i should go back tomorrow.
anyway, my brother was telling me his very bright idea just now. he was suggesting whether organising bashes will be profitable for the organisers. i think it is. for the publicity, i believe frequent clubbers will somehow find out by accident and help spreading it to their peers. erm. good idea yea?
floated away at
3:38 PM
Thursday, March 04, 2004 .dilemma.
i am in a dilemma right now. blame it on my good luck. god has been very kind towards me. being attached out camp for so long is really cool, but i start thinking of the rest of my colleagues who are covering my job scope when i wasn't around. they seem nice. they ain't complaining. i won't know. but, i feel really bad right now. after being attached out for lifeguard course for 2 weeks, i am again attached out another week for formation swimming training when my event is actually over. seriously, its just an excuse to escape from camp. i contemplate whether to choose work or swimming. if i choose work, i have to go back camp and get myself dirty again doing all the dirty jobs. if i choose swimming, i will enjoy, definitely, but i will end up feeling VERY bad as my colleagues will be doing additional work, THANKS to me.
and.. i was told i have to go waterpolo training starting from next tues , every tuesday and thursday till april. when april comes, i will then be attached out the whole month. after april, i will AGAIN be attached out for lifeguard duties from MAY- JUNE. after June, i will have so many off days to clear. erm. tell me. what kind of army life is this?!
ok, it is good life, i know. but the guilt is just there. i can't help but feel i am just being selfish. i can't be like some people who just care about their own welfare and ignore the fact others are suffering more because of them. there are people like these, but i am NOT one of them. i seriously need advice. my friend tell me to do what i think is right, but what is right?! argh. i wanna go back, but on the other hand, i wanna go for swimming training.
i chose swimming in the end. i know my colleagues will be cursing me. i hate making choices. i feel so..
floated away at
12:26 AM
Monday, March 01, 2004 .swimming.
the swimming pool has became part of my life. just when i thought i have to start going back to the dreadful seletar camp again, i was told i am actually attached out for inter-formation swimming for 4 days. YES! back to the pool again. ha. k. had an event today. 4 (times) 100 freestyle relay. we got 3rd =) another medal in my room after so long... FINALLY.
but.. it isn't that honourable winning this anyway. my team came back 4th, but ha, the 3rd team got disqualified, so... HA. yes, sheer luck. has no events tomorrow, but still i will go watch the competition tomorrow at about erm, 9? ha. my army life is really marvellous so far. i love swimming.
however, i felt a little bad attaching out everytime. this means my colleagues will have to cover my job scope for me. i know they are definitely talking behind my blardy back. how slack i am. how a fucker i can get. but i chose to ignore how they look at me. how they view me. how mean their comments will be. perhaps they ain't saying anything. but ha. people just love to comment. i don't wanna bother too much of office politics=p BUT i still kinda feel bad.
was out for lunch with one of my friends just now. he told me it doesn't pay to be kind and innocent. people will just take you for granted and even "eat" you up. its true. thanks to the complexity of the human characters, people turn evil. they start thinking every kind deeds done is with an ulterior motive. haii. so in the end, no one bothers to be the nice guy. what a sad world.
ok, lets comment on my new look. lol. EVERYONE who has not seen me for the past 2 weeks gives that very-stunned face whenever they see me. yes, i am black, but i don't find it exaggerating. BUT, why, everyone thinks i am too burnt. ha. i kinda want to maintain this tan, but my vanity stops me so. LOL. the most hilarious incident is.. one of my friend saw me at parkway and couldn't recognise me. WTF. the last time he saw me was 3 weeks ago. ARGH! ha. it isn't that bad right but i am curious why hawkers aunties start speaking to me in broken english instead of chinese. */@!*/#*.
my new car is gonna hit 1,000km already. its time for servicing, but borneo motors is so damn inefficient. the earliest servicing date is on the 16th and the earliest i can get my WHOLE car done up with the bodykit is 29th march. wtf. sorry for those who is trying to figure out what is a bodykit. LOL.
erm. on my way for a nicer bod. i see a few pecs at last. ha. i wanna continue swimming. i wanna reach national standard. i regret starting training so late. i should have conquered my fears of exposing my scars in public swimming pools, but right now, i still haven't conquered. i still try VERY HARD to cover up the ugly scar i have. it just attracts too much attention la. i hate unwanted attention. sometimes i wonder why must i be so unique in some ways. why the hell i attract more attention compared to my peers. why the hell i often get weird stares from strangers. i don't know why.
