my first triathlon, 300m swim, 7.5km Cycling, and 7.5km run. Till now, I still cannot believe i came in 3rd for the swimming and cycling component. Can still vaguely hear the cheers from the audience when i came out of the sea. So glorious. So full of pride of myself. I never really get to "enjoy" such cheers in my entire life before. The last time I can recall was during my primary school day when I shocked my classmates by my swimming speed. Till then, i am just one mediocre guy who never really excel in anything. But today, i felt good. I think I did well. I should be proud of myself. Individual Swimming and Cycling: 3rd out of the WHOLE enginner formation. Everybody saw that. Thats the whole point actually. I was so happy the whole day. Everybody told me I will get to go up stage to get prizes for individual swimming AND cycling 2nd runner up, BUT, my hope was dashed when the organizers only prepared prizes for individuals 1st and 2nd, and group 1st,2nd, and 3rd. My heart sank. I was so darn disappointed. The prizes is secondary. Its the recognition. How glorious it is going up stage getting prizes, isn't it? I thought i have something to be proud of after so many years, but my hope was dashed thanks to budget constraint. FUCK ARMY..
Still, I wanna thank one of my good friend who told me this : " Gavin, getting recognition is not about getting prizes. Its the recognition from your friends. We know you did well, and got 3rd for swimming and cycling, and thats enough. and not forgetting its your first triathlon! " Indeed, i instantly felt better after seeing this message. Sometimes, I guess I am just too emotional. AND competitive. I want to win. I feel great winning, but, who doesn't?
My muscles are aching like hell now. I really feel proud completing the whole triathlon, though my running component really suxs. I feel great now, but still a little soar over the prize incident. FUCK THE ORGANIZERS.
floated away at
5:59 PM
Friday, August 27, 2004 .contented.
my life is good and i am contented with it. I have never felt so contented before. :)
floated away at
2:36 PM
Sunday, August 22, 2004 .to those who are concerned.
*this is my second attempt writing this post because blogger "cruelly" erased my entry i spent writing for 45 minutes!* Its weird why people presume i am troubled after reading my blog. Concern messages start coming in, let it be friendster, sms, or even emails. Nevertheless, I wanna thank all these friends who i don't wanna mention in case i miss out any, for all the concern . Thanks a lot.
i myself wonder why i am so busy. I realise i am just occupied with army events, tuition, gym sessions, swimming and minor minor events thats taking up my spare time. i seem to be missing from the usual cliques i used to hang out with. life is busy, but i am happy! I am contented with the life i am leading right now, tiring yes, but at least i feel more fulfilled and definitely beats a few months ago when i vividly remember lamenting how broke i was, how tough it was getting tuition assignments, how free i was, how unfulfilling my life was, how aimless i felt.. at least now, i have priorities! I wanna do my work well, and wanna excel in swimming! After watching Athens 04 , i am so motivated by all the swimmers that I have the urge to start training for my competition at the end of the year! Guys, i am fine, really!
Anyway, to those who actually thought i am happily attached, hey i am still SINGLE, happily SINGLE. Busy doesn't neccessarily mean i am attached, OK! ha. I am still waiting for the right one to come, and currently, i guess time doesn't permit me to get a girlfriend anyway, and NO, i am NOT turning gay! I wanna appear in CLEO top 50 eligible bachelor OK! :)
Perhaps, my mood is being affected by my friend's demise. Although some says he doesn't deserve any pity since he chose sucide to solve his problems which some claims to be loser-rish and irresponsible, i believe he definitely has his reasons.. and chose to solve it HIMSELF. Impulse or not, I am sure anybody who chose sucide as a solution to end their problems will feel regretful of their actions. Such real life examples make me realise how precious life is, and its ultimately YOU who choose the life you wanna lead. Nobody can force you. Nobody can stop you. For me, I choose to be busy with my life. I never allow myself to be free nowadays. Perhaps thats why I am always busy. I no longer ask my friends out. If I wanna get clothes, I will just head down to the nearest mall and decide on my own purchase. If I need necessities, i just head down to the nearest shop or supermarket to get them. If I need a new specs, I just ask the optician for comments and buy it. I no longer procrastinate as much as before. I no longer trouble my friends for stupid comments like : " does it look good? do i need it ? must i buy it? " its time i start deciding on my own. it seems like i am living for myself. Big crowds no longer fancy me. Company of friends don't seem that appealing anymore. I am not shutting myself up. I just don't see the need anymore. Doing things alone can be enjoyable at times. I don't need to wait for people. I don't need to please anyone. I still have chill-out sessions, but not as often as before. i still meet friends up, but not as often. Perhaps I have changed, once again.
floated away at
10:05 PM
Saturday, August 21, 2004 .i am not attached.
i am not attached..
floated away at
7:40 PM
Thursday, August 19, 2004 .futile.
sometimes, i will just question myself why the hell am i working so hard for the ARMY recently. Who am i trying to prove? Why the sudden change of work attitude? Why do i tire myself almost everyday doing dirty jobs people DON'T WANNA do? Why help others when I don't see any appreciation? Why do so much when most people don't see what YOU are actually doing and thought you are SLACKING? I keep telling myself its for my personal pride, and helping others should always be a pleasure, and I shouldn't expect any appreciation from the others. BUT WHY, WHY the sudden change after my attaching out of waterpolo. I feel so responsible of so many stuff when i can actually get my hands off it. Like today, my department was shifting to a new office and i actually volunteer myself to create a plan for the new office, and got told off by my superior WHY THE HELL I ALTERED HIS INITIAL PLAN FOR THE OFFICE, and only manage to convince him to keep to my plan after much persuasion. I skipped lunch, went up and down, ran office to office, JUST to see everything is well-organised and was done according to my plan. and I am SO worried everything won't go right when i am attached out for lifeguard duties the whole of next week. Why do i feel I have to be responsible for so many stuff. Being hardworking in ARMY just doesn't pay off sometimes. The MORE u DO, the MORE people entrust YOU with stuff, the MORE extra stuff u are required to do! CALLS keep coming in like there's no tomorrow. I keep asking myself: " IS IT WORTH IT?! " sorry, but i am just venting out my frustrations. It doesn't help at all when my p3 tuition kid fucking irritate me after a day of hectic work just now. Blardy indolent, blardy stubborn, blardy defiant. I will continue working hard in army for the time being. Although it just suxs sometimes when people don't see the effort u put in, although I feel I am doing more than the others. although i feel my credit is always taken away by some scheming colleagues who never actually DO MUCH. although i don't feel appreciated at times... i will just do what should be done. At least time flies faster when u are BUSY.
floated away at
10:38 PM
Sunday, August 15, 2004 .shooting star.
its nice being able to listen to friends' problems. :) yesterday, spent the whole night at a playground with one of my good friend engaging in deep conversation. ha. and guess what, i finally saw a shooting star yesterday! at 0200 14th August! GOSH. once in a lifetime. i wished that i will strike lottery, but then, i didn't strike today :(
anyway, i still can't believe my friend committed sucide. so shocked. so saddening. sucide is a bad way to end your problems, and i never thought he would be so foolish to try that. I hate going for wakes. wakes only remind me how fragile life is..
On a lighter note, i love shooting star, and i am lucky i saw it yesterday :) perhaps, its a sign telling me adrian is now in peace.
floated away at
9:59 PM
Saturday, August 14, 2004 .a friend's demise.
yesterday, as i was about to book in to camp, i received news that my friend just passed away. naturally, my first reaction was : " ha. what a joke. i just ran with him on Saturday! " but, as i went to the ops room, i saw it in my own eyes, the incident report that states -Adrian Seow, age 21, fell from his death, at 0037, 13th August, Friday. pronouced dead . i can't help but feel shocked. i mean, i still remember seeing him SO MANY times in camp last week.. eating with him during lunch.. walk back to our unit from the cookhouse... talk about doing up our cars.. talk about how great my specs look.... how we are supposed to meet up this week to bring him to cheap places to do up his car.. how he jumped down the swimming pool during our practice and created such a big splash because he landed on his stomach.. how he used to brag how lean he was ( he was quite plump )... how pressurized he could get whenever work gets too hectic and will start screwing anyone and pissed everybody off.... how he wanted to ORD but didn't had a chance... how he agreed with me that singlehood is better.. and how he wanted so much to introduce one of his girl-friends to me because he thought we will look compatible... and how paranoid both of us got when he parked his car on the double yellow line with me during the Saturday run....its too late. saying anything now is already too late. he was gone. i hate using past tense on a friend, whom i recently got closer to, who i thought had a bright future. who was once my bunk-mate. who once swam together with me. who once ate with me in the cookhouse. who once said my specs looks good when the majority thought it looks weird. such a short life. what a pity. might not know him that well exactly, but still, he was my friend. life is just so fragile. perhaps it was a sign, since i thought he was exceptionally friendly and cheerful these days..
adrian, will miss you forever. seriously. we might never had the chance to do up your car or to meet up for swimming, but still, memories of you will vividly remain in my heart. miss you forever. rest in peace..
floated away at
12:20 PM
Wednesday, August 11, 2004 .so busy.
today, another busy day in camp. one of my men says i am a very nice and considerate person, and i am really glad to hear that. its always nice hearing compliments from people. i love being nice, but please, take me for granted and see how harsh i can get. countless of "thank yous" today. life is busy. but happy. i am a happy guy.
*addicted to Dairy Milk Chocolettes.*
floated away at
11:10 PM
Tuesday, August 10, 2004 .running round the pool.
went down for a swim just now. and as i was resting, i saw some teens pushing each other into the pool, and the one who got pushed into the pool got up and chased the one who pushed him down round the pool. this reminds me of the past. the good times when my good buddies used to come my house, and we did exactly what the teens were doing. so childish yet so memorable. i miss those days. those good buddies, some still in contact, some went on seperate ways. nonetheless, i am thankful of the sweet memories you guys have left on me. thank you.
floated away at
4:28 PM
.busy week.
had a good national day holiday this year.. at least i finally saw fireworks after missing it for 6 years... Time flies. flashbacks of my sec2 days when i participated NDP as a marching contingent. still remember how excited i felt when i marched into the parade square filled with thousands, millions of singaporeans cheering... can really feel the excitement in me. can feel the glory of being able to be part of the parade, but then again, i was only involved during the preview. perhaps i was too lousy. but i vividly remembered my "place" in the contingent was taken up by somebody because i took MC once during the rehearsals. it was so disappointing. In the end, during the actual parade, i was only a reserve who never had the chance to share the glory with other patriotic singaporeans. it suxs. i recalled how i was tasked to bring food to the marching contingent, cleared up rubbish for them, and was ordered around by this damn old lady who was THEN some supposedly big fu*k, INSTEAD of MARCHING . i felt bullied. i WAS bullied. but as i was young, vulnerable, fat and had this super irritating face i suppose, i just kept mum . memories. whatever. clubbing on Saturday was fun. my company was good, though schemer seemed tired and din't dance. she danced like theres no tomorrow, and was so happy when she got approached by a blind guy. HAHA. I, myself, tried POLE DANCING for the first time, at the PLATFORM. weird huh, yes. i know. GUYS DON'T POLE DANCE. whatever. such rare occasions when i actually don't mind PEOPLE laughing at my silly actions.
Sunday. went sentosa. just as i thought i need to get a tan. sun was blazing hot. skin was burnt, but at least i feel my face has this healthy red glow now. i hate being fair. i was fair. i look like a sissy. a real loser whom everybody feels like bullying. but too dark isn't good too. hawker aunties won't speak chinese to me anymore. i love being a chinese. i will kill a cow just to be a chinese. nonsensical. yeah. anyway, before images of her start vanishing, i saw 134 at sentosa. she is a babe. she looks good. i don't know her. just a typical sweetie pie who caught my eye.
National day. supposed to go KTV with min and jie, but my voice felt weak. sorry once again. felt like a student. was practising Maths for 3 hours because i need to master a topic which I never was taught on before. Tedious, but did it in the end. realise i will never be able to master a topic so soon if i am a student now. yes, to excel in something is all in the mind. its just how determined you are. At night, watched fireworks at kallang with many patriotic Singaporeans and *tort. ha what a way to describe you. had a great buffet dinner. nice "candid" pics. late hangouts at *tort room. a midnight tour around NUS. sounds boring, but i enjoyed it. seriously. once an ambition to be able to be part of the NUS family. come to think of it, i am glad i did make it. now its either i will stay put in business school, or perhaps accept the everybody-say-hip SMU, or try getting into LAW which i never ever dare dream of before.
to end this entry, a few nice candid shots of mine, and fireworks which doesn't justify what i actually saw.
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fireworks
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more fireworks
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cappucino is too hot..
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erm... nice. what a life to have. *sips*
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finally.. watermelon to end the day. *yum*
P/S: Thanks *tort for being my photographer. Other photographs are being kept private. :)
floated away at
2:03 PM
Friday, August 06, 2004 .bad company.
one of my friend told me this before : " try to open up, and u can find out how interesting army is, because you meet all sorts of people in the army . " today, i tried opening up to my so-detestable colleagues for once, and yes, this is interesting. i found out they love going "dirty" pubs, going ktv lounges with the company of hostesses, and had many one-night stands. gosh, in my whole entire life, i have never met people like them actually, and the most hilarious thing is, they asked me along to go "explore" next week! frankly, i am tempted. i am curious how these places are actually. places where girls let you touch ANY parts, and some interesting "economy" facts. In these places, u only need to pay $10-20 for carressing, or squeezing their breast, $25 for them to masturbate for you, $40 for them to do oral for you and about $100 for a one night stand, and if you are not bad looking, u might even get a one night stand for $70! interesting? ha.
don't worry. i am still clean. even if i do go, i guess i am not so deprived of sex. ( i know i can definitely get for just $70 *evil grin* ) i am still an innocent boy :) but frankly, i am still disgusted with that colleague of mine. i just feel he is really full of bullshit, and a lamer. argh. but with the existence of such people, it makes me feel more innocent definitely. ha.
experienced office politics today, but i was not involved. A complaining abt B to BOSS. B also complaining abt A to BOSS. and A and B both found out both are back-stabbing each other. A confronted B. settled with a handshake, but in the end B still says A is fucked-up. and i am like the middle guy hanging in between, not knowing which way to go. ( A and B are both my so called boss and now they wanna go on seperate ways, and i have to choose only one ) sounds corny? i know.
gonna have a long long holiday. will be on off till tuesday, and i wanna go sentosa on TUESDAY. ANYONE wanna go?!
floated away at
11:45 PM
Tuesday, August 03, 2004 .its a happy day.
seems like my mood is ever-changing. A few days ago, i was lamenting how boring my life was, how unhappy everything in my life was, but today, i was laughing at every slightest thing, and i just can't seem to control it! it was so embarassing when i just kept laughing during tuition after hearing some weird chantings from her neighbour. just hope i won't get sacked, but i just can't help it!
fell in love with this mos burger frozen strawberry, and its only $1 for 3!
look how much i enjoyed it. ha :)
went nus yesterday. a good experience since i saw how hostel life was like at night. looks fun. this is what i saw yesterday.
people busying preparing for their rag day, when they compete with other hostels.
AND...
me taking a pic with this cute pussy cat . ha
last but not least, i wanna thank this fine lady for fetching me home!
ying and gav
thanks once again. :)
k, thats the end of my entry. so much of trying to be mysterious, i actually publish so many pics of myself! whatever. not many people reads anyway.
i am so happy! to end this, one cheerful pic of myself.
floated away at
12:08 AM
Sunday, August 01, 2004 .an unhappy person.
i am not feeling really good these few days. my body hasn't been feeling very well, everything around me hasn't been going very smoothly, my parents are annoying me, nothing recently has really interest me. Saturday night was boring. Slept at an unbelievablely early time(8pm). It has been ages since i last slept so early on a Saturday night. Saturday night is usually for late movies, clubbing, chilling out, walking around aimlessly, ktv, chatting online ..... whatever but not SLEEPING. I realise i am getting so boring, so tired of life. so sick of people. so-not-sociable and so unfriendly. one of my colleagues actually said i look like an individualist, somebody who can do things just alone, say it be work, watching a movie, going to the gym, swimming, whatsoever. this makes me ponder. it seems like i am one. i go to the gym alone. i usually enjoy going swimming alone. i enjoy driving alone. i enjoy tanning alone. i appreciate being alone most of the time. i find my colleagues a hindrance more of a help sometimes. but going to the movie alone, i only tried once in my entire life. ha. what a loner i am. what a loser. lol. NO. i shouldn't be degrading myself like that, since i am usually deemed as being egoistic, being confident and being arrogant.
its just hilarious. people usually see the opposite of you. i realise. and its hard to convince them you are not usually what they actually SEE. whatever. i am not obliged to convince anyone. i don't need to.
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