its always the late night that i get the peace i want, the comforting weather and the privacy. spending time chatting with my other lonely friends and my nocturnal hamsters eases my mind from all the stress i get from facing people and the piles of work during the weekdays. i love such nights.
went for a wedding dinner today. the event simply suxs. no red carpet. lousy view. bad arrangements. poor services. narrow carparks. ulu location. unprofessional MC. wonder how mine will be like. hopefully i can get settled down by the age of 30, with a successful career and a pretty wife, followed by 3 healthy kids the next 5 years!. *yea. i am dreaming again.* i want it to be grand, because its the basic respect for all the people I invite. Of course, I need to be financially stable first. I am thinking too FAR. life is short, unpredictable as well. No one knows what is going to happen tomorrow, so why am i planning my future? Just a thought.
I am getting too materialistic. I drool over posh cars. I want to be like these people. I get uneasy if I don't earn some money. I hope I wont turn out to be a scheming man who can do anything just to get what I want. I hope not. I don't wanna turn evil.
My family is getting messy. Mum gets agitated very easily, at the slightest matters. Suspect its menopause but she insists NOT. guess i just need to tolerate her crankiness at the time being. I am not as unfilial as what she thinks anyway. It is just so hurting when your parents don't appreciate the things you do for them sometimes, yet complains we never appreciate what they did for us. argh.
I wanna go for an overseas trip. need a break . need to get out of singapore. its getting boring.
realise i am a "kid-killer". most kids love me. i wonder why. if only i can be a lady-killer instead. HA.
floated away at
3:10 AM
Tuesday, October 26, 2004 .think, ponder, roll over, think, ponder, roll, sleep.
it has been a while since I last reflect upon myself during bedtime. Yesterday I was so tired due to the reshuffling of stores which my men and I shifted 60+ OBMs ( boat engines each weighing 66kg! )from one store to another. The last time I recall carrying an OBM was a year ago when I was still a trainee in Seletar Camp. It suxs totally. Thats why I symphatize with my current men and offered my help whenever I can while the other sergeants just sit at a corner and observe what the men are doing due to the mentality : " Nobody pitied me when I was a trainee. Why must I pity my men now? Its just parts and parcels of life " I agree to a certain extent, but still I always believe in easing some loads from them since I always yearn for such help when I was a trainee! Perhaps this explains why most of my men are kinda close to me, and I believe, respect me in a way or another. I believe in doing what i feel is right, and as long as my conscience is clear, it is enough. Occassionally though, I will still wonder if working so hard is worth it. yea yea i said it many many times but this just always comes in my mind! You know? The present ME have cancelled 2 off days of mine JUST to stay back camp to assist my boss in the reshuffling of the stores? If this is 6 months ago, I would have said " Taking OFF is my entitlement. I need the rest anyway and there are always other people to help out! " I can't explain the new found diligence in me too. In the present department I am in, I feel important. My superiors usually consult me for help. They tell the others they trust me more than the other specs, and they usually respect the decisions I make, and weirdly, I love the way it is now! I love being important. I love having work to do, to the extent OF staying back camp instead of going back to rest! I love gaining my superiors' trust. I love being known as responsible and trustworthy. I love the present me. I love my present work attitude. To others, I might be dumb. I might be a moron working hard for the army when I am only getting a meagre allowance of $647.50. To me however is the gain of experience. I have learnt a lot at least for working harder than the rest. I finally got the confidence and technique of handling men and asking them to work. I have learnt to deal with different people at work. I have learned how to handle politics and to take harsh comments lightly. I have learned that there will always be great people out there willing to assist you whenever they can. ( you just need to be lucky to find them ). Of course, I have also learned that being entrusted with work and MORE work is something so fulfilling! AND i believe all these skills will definitely be useful to me in the future when I start working at the corporate world. It sure tires me down, but as long as it is going to assist in my progress, I won't mind the hard work i guess :) If only I apply this during my BMT days and not choose to project the slack look, I would have just signed on and become an officer. ha. too late.
However, I guess there are still many to improve on. Sometimes, I really hate the idea of me being SO direct, SO pissed at slackers, SO offending whenever I am frustrated, SO stubborn, SO ..... too many to mention.
I had a talk with my CSM ( Company Sergeant Major ) 2 days ago and he commented on me being too direct at times, and the way I express myself is just too NEGATIVE. He advised me to learn to talk RIGHT, and not express my unhappiness unnecessarily. This is DUMB. Just because I am ALWAYS the ONE expressing out the UNHAPPINESS of the MAJORITY, i get vindicated! Perhaps I am pure DUMB. My other friends usually chose to keep mum, but for ME, i will usually express it out unknowingly, either with my so-blardy-pissed-off face, or just spurted it out in a fit of anger. and in the end, I become the victim. argh. I hate this. No matter how I tell MYSELF to control, control and control... everything just turn futile in the end. I REALLY need to learn to complain less, though I think it is not going to make me a better person in anyway.
I get too stressed easily. I get stressed over heavy workloads, over projects which seems endless to complete, over RESPONSIBILITIES, over my men, over competitions, over my fitness, over my students, over myself being too stressed. WHATS THE POINT actually?! argh. I must learn to relax... YES. relax. I don't wanna end up pissing people off because I really get quite quarrelsome whenever I am stressed! BUT i wanna emphasize. I can handle stress A LOT better than MANY people, and stress is definitely an essential component in my life. contradicting again.... :p
gosh. I just scrolled up and realise my entry is getting TOO long. I still have a lot more to say but i guess i shall stop. Its a tiring day for me and I shall head for bed now. Good night.
floated away at
7:01 PM
Sunday, October 24, 2004 .i hate editing my entries.
i wonder why writing an entry now seems so difficult. I have been writing entries and deleting the whole chunk of it for like countless times. I am so fed up that I feel blogging is nothing but rubbish. Moreover, nobody seems to be reading my blog and my comments link has been zero for a long long time. Perhaps the stuff i wrote are just too self-centred? Maybe I should just turn to writing private diaries instead of blogs.
Blogs are getting too "commercialized". Blogs are not meant to interest YOUR readers. They are meant to let your readers understand you. Many do not seem to realise this fact. Get a life. If you are writing a blog just to make sure it doesn't bore your readers, look into the mirror and tell the mirror how dumb you are. Entries are not supposed to be edited. It loses the purposes. Write and post. So simple. Who cares what your readers think? Can't accept what I write? Fuck off and stop reading. I don't need your comments.
Even me. I am suffering the fate of trying to make my blog more interesting. There's something wrong with me. Humans are often like this. You know some things are just wrong, but you just can't help committing the mistakes. lol. fuck off.
floated away at
5:40 PM
Thursday, October 21, 2004 .surprise.
you know what? today is such a busy day that i nearly can't even find time to breathe ,but you guys have brighten up my day definitely. Its indeed surprising receiving a basketball with all my men's signature on it when my basketball totally SUXS. Actually, thats the MAIN point, though a waterpolo ball might seem more suitable for me :p. And you know what? the guys had early fall out today at 1700, but because i have some stuff undone and need to stay back camp, they actually waited for me till 1745 just to pass me the basketball?? what a touching moment isn't it? thank you louis, ah da, wenjie, yewen, michael and regan. finding such people around in a camp definitely isn't easy, but yet i am lucky enough. thanks once again. i have never felt so valuable before. thanks for making my day a good one. :)
once again, for all my friends who have contributed in making my 20th birthday a memorable one, thank you!
yesterday's inter-company volleyball was a smooth one. we got 2nd! who says my volleyball suxs? ha. perhaps its because the team captain is me. ha.
floated away at
6:29 PM
Monday, October 18, 2004 .another present.
i received another meaningful present today! some stuff that cannot be bought elsewhere. handmade stuff are cheap, yet thoughtful. :)
i am starting to feel so bloated from the food i have stuffed into my stomach for the past 4 days, especially the amount of cakes I have taken! Have been eating expensive food since Friday night! Now I am craving for cheap and home cooked food! :p time to work out again. I am starting to feel grouchy for not exercising for the past few days. I need to sweat more, of course not by eating food with chilli contents, but pure exercise. people who know me well will know what i mean. :p
floated away at
11:26 PM
Sunday, October 17, 2004 .so thankful.
i am 20 at last. the best birthday i ever had so far i guess, of course it is not possible without the company of my wonderful friends and lovely smses by my close buds, friends, and even acquaintances. Just wanna say a BIG thank you to all of you. My all-time dearest parents and fat brother. My SAS gang:- Jonathan, Lionel, Zongfu, Weehwa. My beloved classmates:- Colin, Deren, Fabian, ZhengChong, Peijun. My pretty girl-friends:- BlackBean Kerry and the mysterious s. My adopted didi, Zongyao. and of course people like r,h,l,m,s,z,j,w,j,k,d,c,e,d and c who bother sending me a simple sms to tell me you actually remember my birthday!
yes. a memorable 20th birthday i had. last year was kinda lonely due to training and the fact i just got single(%^$@#^*^&*$). can't deny i am thrilled by the number of people that celebrated with me this year. all the lovely presents. chocolates, key holder, undersize surf shorts, crumpler bag, jigsaw puzzle, $260 angpaos, undersize t-shirts, many many birthday cakes, great dinner treats, a birthday wish from brunei and even a hand made card! i didn't miss out any i hope.
once again, thank you. i feel so loved. so fortunate that so many people care :)
anyway. no matter how happy my day appeared to be, something bad just has to happen. I banged onto a car today and now I have to pay both side's damages. So darn pissed.
floated away at
10:23 PM
Wednesday, October 13, 2004 .can't laze around.
i realise a charactertistic in me: i can't do nothing. i can't stone. i don't like lazing around. I have to find something to do to pass my time. In short, I am some sort of a workoholic. However, I still appreciate the free time I have occassionally, and cherish it by lazing around but yet doing something. Thats the reason why I find people who can tolerate doing nothing the whole day so amazing. I can never do that. never. Its bad. I am starting to take pride in my work. I am heading towards the art of perfection. I love seeing my job done really nicely. I love committing to stuff that nobody is willing to do. I scold my tuition kid because I seriously want him to do well and not just any tutor who is just interested in the money and not the welfare of the student. I even went to the extent of spending 1 hour with the mum just to counsel the kid, to tell him to do the right thing and stop fooling around. I even sacrifice so much of my perspiration to attempt solving something but ultimately in vain. Sometimes, i feel i am doing too much, too many extra work that people see it as superficial, as me trying to prove something, to show I am "hardworking" or whatever, but seriously, its more of the pride, more of myself, to prove that i am somebody worthy, and of course to shut people's filthy mouth. The change in me is immense. Even my parents say so. Not a good thing actually, but i like it this way.
I am too frank at times. I tend to annoy people very easily. I know. There is always a reason why my precious car got scratched. I have faith in my PR skills, but still, its the frankness in me. I need to change. Its just unwise to be too frank at times. It can help me save many $75(for touching up scratches) . I should eat less chicken franks. ha ha. not funny i know.
i am so unflawless. many other flaws which i don't wanna mention. As a friend, parent, colleagues, please pardon me for all the flaws i have. I know I am irritating. Yes i really know.
floated away at
1:14 AM
Friday, October 08, 2004 .emptiness.
empty. forsaken. lonely. actually, all these are inevitable feelings everyone tends to feel sometimes. but i wonder why is it so strong these few days. life in camp is getting worse. lazy people. countless assignments. unlimited "arrows". training to be a hypocrite. ha.
ran my first competitive X-country today. so stressful. EVERYONE was practically sprinting the moment it was flagged off. I am amazed, how some people can run SO blardy fast. I did well for myself, ranked 99 out of 200+ contestants, and i know if i push myself just slightly more, i might just have a heart attack and collapse! thats why.. i am AMAZED.
thanks to army, i no longer fear competition that much anymore. In the past, I never have the courage of joining any competition, because i hate losing. Losing just suxs, but now i realise, as long as i complete the race, i am already a winner. Sometimes, Winning is not all about going up stage, but achieving something you have never achieved before.. I hate disappointing people, let alone my very own self.
i need some space, yet hate to be alone. I am contradicting. yes, i know i always do.
floated away at
10:34 PM
Sunday, October 03, 2004 .friendship.
friendship doesn't count in quantity, but quality. it goes the same for many others. Its futile going out in a large group of friends yet returned home feeling the same, or even worse, such as clashes of opinions, thoughts and whatsoever. Perhaps thats why I seldom go out in a group nowadays. Anti-social? Arrogant? Can't be bothered? Whatever. Everything has their pros and cons. I do miss going out in big groups, especially during Secondary School days when the group can goes as BIG as 20 plus people?! Now, it is so difficult to get even, lets say... 5 together! Or maybe its just ME. I am weird. really weird.
I am losing touch with so many people nowadays. my Sec School Mates, my JC friends, my BMT buddies, KTV Kakis and my "individuals" friends here and there. tight schedules. indolent attitude. I need time!
IndoChine is near to perfection. good music. perfect ambience. unique toilet . nice decorations. slightly-too-mature crowds. not-so-bad company( HA! ). value-for-money cocktails. tame sharks. nice clevage. ha.
loves orchard at 2am. enjoys the serenity, privacy, and quietness. perhaps that person is right. i love privacy and mystery.
