Note2Self-byPharaoh

Self,

Earlier this week I was talking with a friend, who for now I'll call RJ. We were discussing alcohol consumption and why alcoholics drink and some people do other drugs. Without going into too much detail of a back story, he said that he believes that people do cocaine or crack because they feel something is missing in their life.

I told him I agreed but to make no mistake that it's all the same rather the person is doing cocaine, crack, weed, or alcohol, if they are addicted and doing it in excess on a consistant or continual basis, then most likely they all feel they are missing something or looking to escape. I didn't say it then but to me, the difference is for some that void is filled by the daily or hourly glass of brandy, whiskey, vodka, tequila, rum or even beer. While for others maybe the void feels greater than that and they find other ways to fill it. (I just thought about those who use crystal-meth, cocaine and spend hours fucking at sex parties or bathhouses...how big must they feel their voids are to try to fill it with all those things at once? And yes some of us try to feel those voids with sex. But I digress.)

I confessed that I make the choice not to try to solve my problems in the bottom of a bottle. I know I don't want to be THAT type of person. I know I'm stronger than that. I know I'm more resilient than that. I know that rather anyone else believes it to be true or not. RJ didn't think it could be as easy as making a choice. At this point I started to share something with him that I've started doing for myself. I said, "I recently gave myself a new rule, although I won't say my track record is 100% accurate (meaning I occasionally choose to break my rule,) but I've started not having alcohol unless others around me are drinking also because I noticed that sometimes I've been out and was the only one at the table with a cocktail..."

RJ interupted, "People kill me with that. Why do people give up their control like that to folks who don't even know they have it. If I'm at a table with two recovering alcoholics and someone who just doesn't drink - it is alright for me to have a cocktail. It's like I told you last night about the cruise, I wouldn't give people control over me like that. You're sitting there looking at me as if I don't know what I'm talking about, but I've seen lots of reports and articles about this, you're no different from them." At this point, he went off in a different direction saying that I didn't want to hear what he was saying because he thinks it drives me crazy for someone to know more than me about anything....particularly if they know more about me than I do. (Personally I think that comment was him projecting because I know it to be totallly untrue because how can I learn anything if I don't accept that others may know more than me and LISTEN to what they are saying.)

So yeah I probably was looking at him as if he didn't know what he was talking about because well he didn't. Rather than LISTENING and letting me finish expressing my thought, (which I feel is rude, childish and annoying as hell,) he assumed he knew what I was saying and where I was going, so he armed himself and charged full speed ahead but essentially went to the wrong battlefield.

I tried to go back and finish my statement about being the only person at the table with a cocktail, but I was told I had finished and I decided I didn't want to waste the effort in trying. I am going to finish it here because this situation raises some questions, that I'm moving towards. The rest of my statement is that I consider myself a social drinker. For me the definition of that is someone who shares in the experience of alcohol consumption with others. So if I'm the only person sipping on alcohol at a table then I'm not SHARING that experience. Whicn meant to me that there's no difference between being the only one at a table drinking and me sitting infront of the TV after work having a drink by myself...either way I am drinking ALONE! If I'm going to be in a situation where I'm drinking alone I have to question myself as to WHY am I wanting that drink. If I feel that for whatever reason I'm using the drink as a crutch, then no drink. As I said I'm not 100% effective but I try. I know I'm stronger than that and don't want to give into those tendencies. (I know the loophole in that is everyone at the table could have a drink so I'm following the rules but I may still be having mine as a crutch for some reason...ain't quite worked that out yet.)

Don't get me wrong, there are times that I'll unapologeticaly break my rule to have a drink. (Case in point there's a restaurant here in Glendale, Cali that has a signature drink called a "Chai-tini," It is so good, taste like Chai-tea. So yeah occassionaly I will break my rule for the experience of that drink...hmm maybe I'll go get one tonight.)

The other aspect to this that made me consider that RJ didn't know what he was talking about was his own reference to another conversation we had about cruiseships, particularly gay cruises. It started innocently enough as to how are those cruises planned? If they don't see the turn out they are expecting, do they open the trip up to heterosexuals, If they do open it up, do they tell the heterosexuals that it's a gay cruise or what? Etc etc. Well, RJ had found an advertising photo online for a gay cruise line that showed a packed ship where folks were partying like it was a huge club. He said that it look like it would be a bathhouse on water in terms of the amount of sex that probably takes place on the ship. We sort of joked about the "nerds" or "fat boys" or even those guys that live in the middle of nowhere that get on those ships in the hopes of having sex to make up for the lack of sex in their regular life. We also joked about what it would be like for those who go looking to have sex but doesn't hook up with anyone, because all those "pretty boys" look over them and ignore them.

That's when RJ said, "See that's why I wouldn't even go, cause I wouldn't want to give them folks that control over me." When he said it, I instantly thought that he was already giving them that control and he was not even on the ship. To me he's allowing folks in that scenario to control him to make him sacrafice and miss out on a once in a lifetime experience, simply because of fear of possibly being rejected sexually. (Although there are many cruises, the conditions on any give cruise is NEVER exactly the same thus making it a once in a lifetime experience.) Maybe I should have brought it up then and the conversation about alcohol and control would have went differently.

I thought his comment was even more ironic because this is a man who have said repeatedly that he has no problem getting a piece of trade, and although it's not a competition in recent months he's been more successful at it than me, so I think he wouldn't have anything to worry about on the ship cause he could talk up on just about any man there he wanted...(lol while I'd be sitting at the bar waiting to hear how was it.)

SO the question is the title of this "note," who is in control? Am I really in control of my own alcohol consumption or am I being controled by others sitting at a table with me. Is RJ really in control by not going on the cruise, or are the cruise participants in control by making him not want to go, just by their mere existance? Does it really matter? Particularly in terms of my drinking, does it matter who is controling the situation if the result is that I am not creating a habit and engaging in a behavior that could lead me to being an alcoholic?

There's other scenarios that I could mention but I think I've said enough to make the point. Your feed back would be greatly appreciated. I'd love it if everyone who reads this post leaves a comment!

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

I hate to go here twice so soon, but OMG, I fell out and I think we all need a good laugh from time to time. Enjoy!




I don't think I can ever hear the original version of this song again without falling to the floor laughing!

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

I found this on another blog and it was TOO hilarious not to share!



Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

Last week I had a conversation via text with NY Suitor.

NY Suitor: "Can we get a blog update."

Pharaoh: "Lol, what's there to blog about right now?"

NY Suitor: "U tell me. You obviously thought u were exciting enough for your life to sustain a daily blog. Now u less than weekly."

Pharaoh: "Life got boring"

NY Suitor: "You can tell everyone how you kicked my dark skinned ass to the curb."

(WTF?!?!?!?) Pharaoh: "Is that what you think/feel?"

Back-story: So almost a week before this, NY Suitor called me and I was at my parents. He expressed his concerned about us not having talked in a while. In this conversation I told him that the distance factor is more of a hindrance than I anticipated and isn't aligned with what
I'd want in a dating scenario. The conversation was cut short due to the fact that I was at my parents and my presence was being requested in a different room. We were suppose to continue it later, but it had not occurred by this point.

That said I can only assume that he took that to mean that I was kicking him to the curb, but instead of calling me and getting that off his chest, he let it fester and explode on me here in this text conversation....I'm not mad and have since tried to get to the bottom of it. He admitted a couple days later that he did feel like I was kicking him to the curb.

I'm not writing this note to be "messy," but I have a dilemma with this situation. My feeling is that as adults we are all responsible for our own emotions...and expressing them to those that need to hear about those feelings because they did something to alter our individual emotional state. Due to that belief, I think there's no real reason for emotional temper-tantrums like a 5 year old. NO, I am not calling this a temper-tantrum, but I think NY Suitor could have expressed his feelings in a better matter. Particularly considering that when I tried to address it later he said he did feel that way but it wasn't serious.

My dilemma here is communication. NY Suitor complained about not talking in a while but didn't want to communicate his feelings to me. The thing is that because of the distance, communication is crucial it's practically all we have. I can't SEE that he is upset about something, so he has to TELL me. Am I wrong, for wanting and expecting that level of communication or am I being pushy?

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

I'm the first to pay homage to those who I feel have a tremendous talent. This case is NO different.

On Saturday April 18th I attended a gallery showcase for a talented artist. The artist is no other than my aunt, Kweli. She is standing in the picture presenting her painting "Dreams of the Water Bearer."

This is one of about 15 paintings that was on display that night. I don't know if at the time she named this piece if it was for me, but I'm taking it as such since I am a "water bearer," (ie I'm an Aquarius. lol.) I'm going to include a few more pictures of a couple other paintings. I'm happy to say that I believe she sold 4 paintings that night.

The following paintings are just a sample of her work....(ok these are also kinda my favorites.) I'm happy to be able to feature her talent here in my little Blog-Empire. I have to say her talent has inspired me for decades...(I'm over 30 so I can say that.) As a child, my parents had 2 oil paintings by Kweli. There is also a chalk drawing of me from when I was about 3 years old. So it makes me feel good to use my talent to recognize hers.

Certainty of Uncertainty - oil
Luminous Vortex - Acrylic
Incognito - oil

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

PS be on the look out for a "note 2 self" about Kweli's new novel, "Fire Blue"

Self,

I'm a little late sharing this but better late than never right. Last Friday, out of the blue I get a text from a buddy asking if I was free that day. He explained that he's working on a book and that he's having a reading party where his friend come and read a chapter out loud so he can here how it sounds and make any changes where needed. (Great editing tool.)

Well my Friday ritual is to just go to my parents for dinner and socializing, and then pretty much bed. I told him this and that I could try to come by before I go to my parents or after I left there which would be like 11pm. Of course despite telling me that the party was an all day event, he said I should stop at his place before I went to my parents. I told him I could do that but wouldn't be able to stay too long.

I was there almost 4 hours! And no, it was not torture! I enjoyed myself greatly. There were myself and three other readers in addition to my friend. I must say when he told me about this reading I had assumed it was a novel, but it is actually a memoir. I was floored by some of the things I learned about my friend. No I won't share those things, I would hate to take away from the inherent surprise from reading the book.

I only was present for the readings of about 4 chapters (lol 2 more than I had actually intended.) I was enjoying the experience of hearing the story unfold. I look forward to the chance to read it when he's finished.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

I'm sorry but I'm blowing off steam again. This sort of thing shouldn't bug me but at the same time it is one of my biggest pet peeve when trying to date/get-to-know these boys.

Yesterday, I was on yahoo IM chatting with Schehimazade, (he's not the problem - this time lol!) Well, I get a message from someone that I don't think I spoke with hmmm since like January. (I now realize why, but I'm getting ahead of myself.)

The message was just "hey there I haven't seen you on here in a while."

Well I don't use yahoo much so all I could do was agree, I hadn't been on in a while. Well we make smalltalk for a bit. He then asks to see a picture. Well there's already a picture of me on Phoenix (my motorcycle,) right there in the message window, while he only has the goofy picture of some mutt dog wearing glasses with slightly bugged-out eyes. But whatever. I tell him to send me one and I'll send me one back.

This is what he sends me;


A picture wearing big sunglasses - can't see much of what he looks like, right? Well my gut says he's playing a game and not to be bother....but I play along and give him a dose of the same thing. So this is the picture I sent back.


Don't you know, he had the NERVE to complain and say he couldn't see anything because my hand was in my face!

I, of course, pointed out that I couldn't see much of him either because of the sunglasses. (So as far as I'm concerned we're even.)

He actually sent back, "But you can see more than I can." WTF????!!! Does the sunglasses in his picture magically disappear when you look at it....because that wasn't the case for me. I guess I'm stupid for going along with this childish stupidity in the first place from a 42 year old.


The funny/ironic/frustrating thing is that I don't care that much about the picture, I wasn't concerned about it until he asked. And if it never came up it wouldn't have been an issue. What irks me is the game playing about it. If you ask to see a picture of someone in the hope of getting know someone then be a man and send a picture that's a representative of yourself!

You know as I'm sitting here writing this, I realize that yesterday was full of selfish stupidity.

Somewhere in the madness above, I get a call from this other dude who lives in Long Beach, which is down near my parents. We had planned to meet Sunday after I had finished visiting my parents, but just as I'm about to get on the freeway to head into Long Beach he calls saying his roommate just got home with some friends and they going drinking or something. Not a problem, I turn around and head home. But he suggest that he'll come towards me in Glendale to meet. Okay. So he call about 7pm last night, apologizing for not being able to meet because he forgot that he had to work and was calling while riding the train home from work. Okay. He asked about my day and what I was doing. Well at that moment I was getting ready to meet a friend to help him with his taxes. I tell him so.

"Oh, are you and accountant?"

I respond, "No, I'm not an accountant, just helping a friend out with something. What about you, what kind of work you do?"

"Ahh yeah, well I rather not get into that because people always say they do something similar." (WTF!?!? What does that have to do with us having a conversation now trying to get to know each other.)


Crickets. "HUH, hmm Okay???" I said. Crickets. "Well, how was your day?"

"It was good, no complaints."

"Aiight, cool. Well, I'm driving and traffic on this freeway is starting to back up so let me get off here and focus." I said while sitting at a red traffic signal. "Take care."

I was annoyed but I didn't have the energy, desire or the time to make an issue of his bullshit. If you can't have an open conversation then we don't have much reason to continue to talk.

Maybe I do have stupid tattooed on my forehead, since it would seem that I'm the only one to think that it only makes sense to give to others what I expect in return. I'm sure with BOYS like these this will come up, so Would it be wrong if he calls back and tries to ask what I like to do sexually that I say "Ahh yeah, well I rather not get into that because people always say they do something similar?"

LOL ahh but here's the kicker, if I did say that would he get it? Or would I just become the crazy guy? My life...... Right?

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

It's weird. Things are going pretty good. I can't complian....not really. I mean there are a few snags in the fabric, but not rips so I'll handle things and hopefully keep the snags from becoming rips.

LOL Yet right now my biggest...snag is that I don't have time for everything I want or need to do. It's been stated to me that I've "spread myself to thin." Yes, I do a lot. I've mentioned I'm working on two careers. One is pretty basic. I work a 9-hour shift Mondays through Fridays with occassional overtime shift on the weekend which is usually just 4-5 hours long.


The second is a bit more time consuming considering that I'm doing it part-time around the one I just mentioned above. There's training sessions twice a week, with some "emergency" sessions from time to time. I also make time to see clients around my schedule and that's compatible to theirs. This is also difficult because it takes time to foster the relationship with people in order to do business.

I've just started studying for my Investment Advisor federal securities license. I have until July 31 to take and pass the exam. I get three chances to pass. I have to wait 30 days after my first attempt to take it a second time. The third attempt has to then be schedule another 30 days after the second. With that, my plan is to take the exam at the end of May. That way if I don't pass then I can take it again at the end of June and if need be once more at the end of July. After the third attempt I have to wait 180 days before I can schedule it again which basically means re-registering and paying additional fees. MY GOAL IS TO TAKE IT AND PASS IT THE FIRST TIME. (Got to put it out there and claim that shit, right?) This will be my second license in regards to my business, the first is from the State of California. My IA license is going to take some focus and concentration to study.

Then there's the dating front. Well I have quite a few folks that I am interested in spending time with and getting to know better. That's exactly what my "starting five" idea was about, giving me options! This shouldn't be a problem, but it is for two reason, the first of which is simply practical. I don't have that much time! These guys live in different parts of the Los Angeles area and it's work trying to match up schedules and locations.


The other problem actually relates to me working for my IA license. The connection is that I get horny when I'm stressed and all the studying that I'm going to be doing is going to stress me the f*ck-out! It's going to make me so horny that it'll make me into a common bathhouse whore. Which becomes another problem since NEVER have nor ever intend to visit a bathhouse. And with no boyfriend/lover/partner to come home to that can help in that department....whew, it's going to be rough. Sometimes I'm amazed with myself for having graduated from a university because I was single and not getting any then too! (ok not a lot, lol.) I honestly do not know what to do about this...lol anyone interested in having relations together regularly for a couple months and we just SAY we're boyfriends?!?!? LMAO! I jest, but not really? =)

Then there's the commitment to family, friends, and my blog (blogs counting Esquire Eats.) I enjoy my family and friends, spending time with them, in a way refuels me. My blog (and by extention its readers, followers and commenters) also serve a similar purpose. But it's someone obvious that lately I've been leaving few notes to self than I have in the past, and I have a feeling that over the next few weeks and maybe even a few months the number of entries will decrease even more! I'm still going to try to get a couple "True Diva series" post out for Gayte as promised. (lol u're lucky you are cute...well atleast from your picture!) I expect to find some level of balance.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

I've been noticing a "trend" that is rather frustrating to see to me. The picture (borrowed from another blog) to the right is an example of a sexy man, but that's not the point here, so stay focus! The picture also exemplifies this trend. Can you guess it? If not, maybe it don't bother you, that's fine, or worse you do it too.

If you haven't figured it out, don't worry, I'm going to tell you. I'm talking about men wearing these scarf-like fabrics around their necks. WHY??? I mean this one in the picture isn't as bad as some of the ones I've seen in person on some folks. (That said it doesn't mean I'm cool with it on the guy to the right, either.)

The ones I seen mostly are some sort of plaid pattern, hang almost to the guys belly-button or just above it, and the fabric is gathered into in near perfect scallobed waves like several strands of pearls. WTF?????????

If you are about to argue that maybe they're cold...SAVE IT - because I ain't buying it. Now I can't really comment on life in too many other places, but in case you forgot or just didn't know, I live in Southern California. The place where it "never rains" and is the home of the beach bunny persona. I've seen this madness on days where it is easily 75 degrees if not a little warmer. That aside, you can't be cold enough to require wearing a scarf (well I'll call it that until I hear some other name for it,) but are only wearing shorts, a tank-top or as in the picture a T-shirt. If you are cold then dress appropiately...WEAR A DAMN SLEEVE AT THE MINIMUM!

As far as I can see, there's no pratical reason for wearing these things. So when I see them it just screams GAY. I mean GAYGAY. Correction GAYGAYGAY-GAY! It reads soo gay to me that it makes me feel I can get homie in the picture....rather I see him running around WeHo or Compton. Is this "veil" the new signal to identify who is a homosexual and who isn't. Y'all if it is, somebody please let me know. If I see a cutie wearing one walking down the street I'll know its okay to go talk to him. Hell I'll even go buy one for myself so fellas can approach me too...(if I have to mind you.)

Sincerely,

Pharaoh

Self,


Ask yourself - "Self, what is your life's purpose?"


What answer did you get back? This could be the little quiet soft-spoken whisper from the back of your mind....particularly if you were unaware of the answer before this moment. It MIGHT be an enormous roar of a shout from the "front" of your brain if you are conscious of your purpose.

Over this weekend I think I became aware of mine.

A friend sent me a text asking what I thought my life's purpose is. It was hella random and out of the blue. I was driving at the time that I recieved the message. Then I was with people and didn't want to be rude by texting others while sitting across from them. So the question marinated.

And marinated.

Well when I was finally alone, I had the same conversation with myself as above.

Me: "Self, what is your life's purpose?"

Response: "to help, I'm a helper." (with as voice and passion of Thumper from "Bambi.")

Me: "Yes, that's true. However there's more to it than that, right?"

Response: With a sigh of frustration and annoyance. "The answer is, - To be the best person I can be while encouraging, supporting and hopefully inspiring others to do the same."

Me: "It certainly sounds sophisticated enough, and do I like it. By George, I think you're right."

Response: "I know - of course I am," as the voice fades away.

OH okay, that's not EXACTLY how things went, I exagerated a bit for merriment here. What really happend was when I got the full answer, it just rang pure and true. Like a series of notes resonating in harmony. I now believe my purpose to be the best person I can be while encouraging, supporting and hopefully inspiring others to do the same. Before for some reason, I thought that my life's purpose had to be reflected in my career/profession and in the past I don't think that those things were in alignment.

Now that I work with families and individuals to set and achieve their financial goals/dreams there seems to be a better fit between my purpose and profession. Granted like I said before this weekend I would not and could not have been able to express my purpose, but I knew something was off. I'm not saying that my career in financial services is the end all and be all of fulfilling my life's purpose, but I think it is a good stepping stone in the right direction.

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

I recently came across this guy who for 1 day now we've been texting each other.

The converstations starts out with he wants to get to know me.

Ok - Fine. Meeting new people is never a bad thing.

In the course of the texting I learn he's from Penn, helping to raise his nephew for for his deceased brother.

His FIRST lover died 4 years ago and that he's ready to move on. I'm the first person since his lover's death and he hope "this works out."

WOW....talk about luggage! The sad part is I already think it CAN'T work out because I would simply be the rebound guy....a place filler for the man he has spent 4 years mourning. It almost sounded like he was expecting to fall into a relationship with me just because I said I'm open to getting to know him.

The conversation about me dating other folks haven't even come up...so my "starting five," NY Suitor and all that, will probably run him off.

However the thing that's intersting to me about this is the fact that I say I want honest people around me. And he was honest, he let me know where he was basically from the get go. But that added an unexpected pressure, that makes me wonder if he was too honest too soon? I sense that he may be a bit more fragile then he wants me or anyone to know (I know that's the case for most folks.)

My compassionate side tells me not to kick him to the curb, but rationally I don't think I want to go through the ordeal. What to do?

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

Self,

You know you are getting old when on "April Fool's Day" nobody play/plan any kind of joke on you. The closest was a text from two friends (one of which was Prince EsQuire) saying "Don't call me anymore, what you did was F*ck up! -April Fools."

I'm hurt, down nobody love me enough to try to fool me to get a laugh? Maybe I need better friends!

Sincerely,
Pharaoh

PS - April Fool's LMAO! (I'm silly I know!)